If I should die before I wake - Novel version: Footprints in the Sand
by Gaius Petronius
If I Should Die Before I Wake"
by Gaius Petronius
DISCLAIMER:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on
the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox
and Mutant Enemy, Inc. I only borrow them, mess with their heads,
make them cry and, every once in a while, torture them. I do lay
claim to the character of Johannes Martel since he is the central
character in an original novel I've been working on now for too
many years.
Spoilers: BtVS season two. Originally written in script format
during the spring of 1998, "If I should die before I wake"
is the sequel to my first Buffy novel, "Carpe Diem."
Rating: PG-13 for violence and language.
* * * * * * * *
"But in the grey of the morning,
My mind becomes confused
Between the dead and the sleeping
And the road that I must choose."
The Moody Blues, "Question," 1970
* * * * * * * *
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take."
Anonymous child's prayer
* * * * * * * *
Chapter 15 - Epilogue - Footprints in the Sand
In Giles' apartment, Jonathan Martel lay comatose on a simple
cloth cot. His eyes were open but staring blankly at the ceiling.
The room was almost dark except for the light cast from the pair
of burning candles at either end of the cot. Buffy sat alone in
a small metal folding chair by Jonathan's head. Every now and
then she gently stroked his hair.
There was a tentative knock at the apartment front door. Buffy
didn't rise to answer. A moment later, the door opened slightly,
and Willow poked her head in.
"Anyone here? . . . Buffy?"
"Yeah, come on in, Will," the Slayer finally answered.
Willow and Cordelia slipped in cautiously and joined Buffy.
They both stared in silence at Jonathan for a brief moment.
"Where's Giles?" Willow asked.
"He went down to the LA Library," Buffy answered
flatly.
"So he couldn't find anything in his own books? His contacts
in London?" Cordelia asked trying to get more information
than could be gleaned from Buffy's cryptic answers.
"No. Where's Xander?" Buffy glanced around expectantly
for the missing Scooby.
"He wouldn't come," Willow said.
Buffy looked down, hurt.
"No, it's nothing like that," Willow answered, "When
Giles said there was nothing more to go through in the library,
Xander still wouldn't leave. He's there now searching through
piles of books. Most don't even have pictures in them."
"When Giles told him it was a waste of time," Cordelia
said puffing with pride that Xander was her boyfriend, "Xander
told Giles to go do something that I won't repeat!"
"I didn't hear it all," Willow added, "Something
about Giles' pencils and sitting down and . . . I'm not going
to go there." Willow's face flushed slightly at the memory.
"Any luck on the Net?" Buffy asked.
Willow shook her head. All were silent for a few moments more.
"How long is he going to be like this?" Willow finally
asked.
"I don't know. As long as we keep the candles burning."
"And he can't see or hear or move?" Cordelia asked
as she stared with morbid curiosity at the breathing body before
them, "He hasn't given any signs or anything?"
Buffy sighed deeply before she spoke.
"When Spike burned his book of spells, that was the last
time he recognized me. I just feel so alone now."
Again, everyone in the apartment stood silently, each absorbed
in their own thoughts. Finally, Cordelia spoke.
"When I was a little girl," she confessed, "When
my dad used to walk out on my mom and all, she'd sing to me at
night when I was . . . lonely."
Tentatively at first, Cordelia began singing an old Welsh lullaby.
"Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
all through the night.
Guardian Angels God will send thee,
all through the night."
As she began the second verse, her voice took on a lovely sweetness
and quietly soared with the words.
"Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
Hill and vale in slumber steeping."
Buffy, listening carefully to every word in the lullaby, finally
looked up at the head cheerleader whom she was seeing now for
the first time.
"I, my loving watch am keeping.
All through the night."
Buffy stood as both she and Cordelia embraced. Once more silence
ruled the apartment.
"I'd pray if I could remember any," Buffy said as
she sat back down.
"Xander taught me one when we were kids," Willow
volunteered.
"Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep."
From the vague memories of a childhood never really lived,
Buffy realized she recalled the last two lines. As she picked
up the prayer where Willow left off, she gazed down at Jonathan
and finally understood what he had been trying to tell her.
"If I should die before I wake," Buffy recited slowly,
"I pray the Lord my soul to take."
Buffy stood up and slipped one of Jonathan's hands in hers.
She caressed it tenderly, held it to her cheek and kissed it.
She then put his hand down and bent down to kiss him one last
time. Like the first time they kissed, their lips barely touched.
She drew in his breath, searching desperately for any sign of
the vibrant life force he had shared with her and she treasured
so deeply.
Sensing nothing, Buffy straightened up, walked to the foot
of the cot, paused to gather strength for what she was about to
do, and blew out the first candle.
The darkness in the room drew in around them. Jonathan's dull
grey eyes were now half shut. Realizing what was about to happen,
Cordelia bowed her head slightly and closed her eyes. Understanding
as well, Willow stuffed her hand to her mouth as the wetness ran
uncontrollably down her cheeks. She wanted desperately to cry
out, "No," anything to stop the events unfolding before
her, but couldn't.
Buffy walked to the head of the cot, paused, brushed Jonathan's
hair with her hand, paused again, and blew out the final candle.
Jonathan's eyes slipped shut and his head tipped forward slightly.
The blank, empty stare on his face vanished away and was replaced
by the look of someone, who, after a long journey, was finally
sleeping peacefully. In a moment more, the body of Johannes Martel
returned to dust.
Still weeping, Willow buried her face on Cordelia's shoulder
who held her tightly. Buffy stood silently beside the cot with
only the faint glow from the street lights through the windows
illuminating the room.
*****
Two days later, Buffy and Giles stood on a beach littered with
rock outcroppings. Waves broke against the cliffs towering around
a spit of sand that reached like a finger out into the ocean.
Buffy cradled a small wooden box in her arms.
"Thanks for bringing me, Giles," she said without
emotion.
"That's all right. . . ." her Watcher answered, "You
better do what you have to do."
Buffy nodded. She turned towards the water and walked down
the spit of sand to the waves. As the water sloshed about her
sneakers, she lifted the lid off the box, bent down and emptied
the dust of Johannes Martel into the waves. She then stood again
and stepped back from the edge of the water.
"Good night, Couz . . . " she said quietly, "I'll
remember . . . I promise."
The roar of the waves was the only answer.
Buffy watched for a long time as the water swirled the dust
out to sea. She then turned and walked back to Giles with the
now empty box still cradled in her arms. As both strode slowly
up the beach together away from the ocean, Buffy suddenly stopped
and turned to face the ocean. She gazed back one more time at
where the dust washed away. Giles halted with her.
"Giles, . . . " she said staring out over the ocean,
after a long pause, "I wonder what it would be like . . .
to stand here forever."
Giles lowered his head and didn't say anything for a few moments.
At last, he spoke quietly to break her reverie.
"Buffy . . ."
"Yeah?"
Buffy looked up at her Watcher. The expression on his face
said "It's time."
"Okay, . . . " she nodded, finally satisfied, "I'm
ready. Let's go."
Buffy turned away from the ocean. She and Giles resumed walking
towards the car. Although still clutching the box fiercely, she
did not stop to look back again. By the edge of the water, the
waves washed away the last remnants of her footprints in the sand.
FINIS
1998 - 2004
* * * * * *
pax,
Petronius
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