Gone, and Back: Gone, and Back
by TheShawn
Joss owns everyone here, so don't think I am all that original. Also, this is a sequel to Anya's great piece 'Gone', and you should all go and read that... Now!



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The vampire was most definately a rookie. A stupid one at that. The Slayer was taking great delight in beating the demon to a bloody pulp. The creature was simply stumbling its punches, no longer really fighting. Buffy sent blow after blow into it, hearing the sounds of bones breaking and vampire screams, enjoying the pain she was causing.

"P-Please, just finish me. N-no more!" the vampire moaned as Buffy shattered its ribs with a fierce kick.

The slayer gave a disgusted look and opened a vial of holy water. Sprinkling the undead creature, she smiled as it howled in agony. She then pulled out a long wooden cross and pressed it to the demon's chest, enjoying the smell of charing vampire flesh. Finally pulling out a stake, she kneeled above its cowering form and place the tip at the vampires chest.

"You are pathetic. I'd spend the rest of the night torturing your dead ass, but I have stuff to do." Buffy gave an evil smile and thrust the stake into the heart of the vampire, which blew up in a shower of dust. "I hate you all," the slayer whispered as she walked off into the night, hoping another vampire would try and make a name for itself.


* * *
He sat in his room, alone and in the dark. He simply sat there with a piece of paper in his hands, and a tape in the vcr. The figure was rocking back and forth, mumbling incomprehensible words. He watched the television screen with tears running down his cheeks. The smiling young woman appearing on his tv screen was chattering away about love and happiness, and the young man watching couldn't even imagine feeling those emotions.

< Maybe I won't go to school tomorow... > he thought. His parents hadn't made a case out of it. In fact, he only went to school, or out of the house for that matter, two or three times a week. < No, I should go. I should... >

Xander Harris burst out into another fit of crying as he watched his oldest and best friend in the world speak to him on the videotape. Willow Rosenberg was so much more to him than words could say, his friend, confidante, and soulmate. She was the woman that loved him, the woman that he had found out he was desperately in love with.

She was all that, and she was gone.


* * *
Giles sat down in his office and unlocked a secret compartment in his desk. Pulling a small book out, he opened it up and sighed. Pulling out a pen he started to write.

'It has been three months now. I do not know why I write in these pages anymore, these words do not help the problem, and I only succeed in torturing myself more. Every day I pray to hear some word from them, something, anything that could give me some hope. So far these wishes have been fruitless. I have not recieved any word from Angel and Willow, their whereabouts a mystery, and their condition remains unknwown. After I failed them so badly I cannot expect anything from them, yet I pray to whatever God there is that they are well, and plan on returning.

My purpose, however, is not to dwell on what is past. I have to look at the other problems. I'll start with Buffy. I expected her to take this badly and be depressed, but that is not the case at all. Instead she has decided to go head first into her slaying duties. Ordinarily I would applaud such effort, but not this way. She has become vicious, sadistic in her slaying. Torturing the vampires and chasing those that flee and slaughtering them like dogs. I'll be honest, I am afraid of her. Her behavior everywhere else is the same. She threatens anyone in her way, and has beaten up numerous people in the school. Most of the time it is when she's defending Xander, the only person she treats humanely. I found her writing in the library last week, she crumpled up the paper and left. I unraveled it and read, even though I knew I was invading her privacy. She hadn't written much, all it said was 'Angel, I love you, please come back. Willow I miss you, please come back, I think Xander is dying'. I tried to talk to her about it, she almost broke my arm. If it weren't for her concern for Xander, I would think she wasn't even human anymore.

Xander. If the change in Buffy is drastic, the change in Xander is unbelievable. I expected him to be sad and depressed for a while, but the depths of his depression astound me. Even his physical condition is horrible. He has lost almost thirty pounds and is sickeningly pale. He never eats, and I don't think he bothers with much hygene anymore. Whenever he is in school, which is not too often, he spends his time crying and is totally unreachable. When anyone asks how he is doing, the only answer he gives is 'I love her'. The only person he ever talks to is Buffy. Even then the conversations are short and never approach the topic of Willow. I mentioned Buffy defending him, well the fact is that some of the other students started calling him names because of his crying, and some beat him up. He never even defended himself or tried to run away. They had beaten him quite badly until Buffy showed up and brutalized them. Xander only fought once. One time he overheard a classmate calling Willow a 'little tramp in disguise', and Xander went balistic. The student was in the hospital for two weeks. His parents had considered having Xander commited, luckily Buffy and I managed to talk them out of it. If they knew everything he had done, everything he had tried to do, Buffy and I would probably be in jail.

I no longer know what to do. My slayer is out of control, and a young man I consider a friend is a shell of his former self. Angel, Willow, please come home, I am lost.'

Giles closed the book and put it back into his desk. Rubbing his tempples, he got up and went over to the stacks of books, and resumed filing.


* * *
Leaving her class, Buffy promptly made her way to the cafeteria for lunch. She entered the room and quickly spotted Xander sitting at their usual table. His lunch was sitting in front of him, but remained untouched. She winced at the sight of his thin frame and scruffy appearance. He simply sat there reading a tear stained letter she knew all too well, and letting the tears fall freely down his cheeks. Everyone else in the cafeteria was avoiding him like the plague, but Buffy didn't think he even noticed. She walked over taking her usual seat, glancing only briefly at the seat next to Xander, the one that should have been occupied.

"Hey Xand, how did your history test go? I heard that DeMoille is a killer marker." Buffy asked smiling, an expression which seemed very alien on a face that was used to grimacing.

Xander looked at her and appeared startled. "Huh? Buffy, didn't see you come in. Um, the test... I dunno, I didn't really do it, just kinda stared at the page. Anyway, how's the slaying?" He tried a smile of his own but failed miserably.

"Oh, you know, punch, kick, stab. No fuss for me. Just doing my part as chosen one and all." < Damn > Buffy thought as she said that. < Yet another failed test for him >. She didn't know how to reach him. She had tried everything, but nothing worked. She was lucky that he talked to her at all, everyone else wouldn't even get a sentence from him. "Xander, how about we go to the Bronze tonite, maybe dance and have a drink?"

Xander didn't even think it over. "No Buffy, I don't feel like it. I think I'll stay Hom..."

He was interupted as Cordelia came over to the table and sat down beside him. She gave them both a sympathetic look and spoke. "Hey guys, how's it going? I know you still miss Willow, but I think..."

She in turn was interupted as Xander jumped up to his feet, his face contorted by a mask of hatred. Grabbing Cordelia by the hair, he hurled her away from the table. "Don't you ever sit there! That was Wills seat! You are nothing compared to her! Don't ever say her name, your bitch mouth doesn't have the right to say her name!" He stalked over to where she was lying on the ground and grabbed her arm, squeezing it painfully. By now everyone was staring at them, yet no one was moving to interfere. Buffy reacted quickly and jumped over to Xander. She grabbed him and tried to push him away from the stunned Cordelia. However she hadn't counted on his weakened condition and ended hurtling him painfully into the wall. She winced as he made contact.

"Xander, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw you that hard." Buffy pleaded with him as he got up to his feet and stared at her. The look on his face nearly broke her heart yet again. The face screamed of betrayal, anger, sorrow, and hatred. Turning around he stormed out of the cafeteria and was quickly out of sight.

Buffy's eyes were teary. She stared as the only friend she had left seemed to storm right out of her life. "I'm sorry", she whispered, and left to go to the library.


* * *
Giles was more than startled when his slayer ran into the library, a faceful of tears. He hardly saw her anymore, except for training, and even then he sometimes wished he didn't. But she was here now, and looked to be desperately in need of help. He had failed her before, he was NOT going to fail her again.

"Buffy, dear God, what's wrong?"

She gave a muffled reply and quickly ran over to him, burrying her head against his chest. Buffy gave out a long string of incomprehensible words while clinging to him.

"Shh, slow down Buffy, tell me what is the matter. Don't be afraid." Giles said as he brought her over to a chair and sat her down. He quickly ran over to the counter and poured her a cup of tea.

Buffy relaxed only slightly and started to relate the events with Xander. She left nothing out, telling Giles about his explosive reaction to Cordelia and how she had hurt him. When she had finished spilling out her sorrow, Buffy looked up at Giles, not knowing what she would find.

The events had shocked Giles, but the fact that Buffy was confiding in him again surpassed his shock. He contemplated what she had said, and decided that it was time for him to be frank with the slayer.

"Buffy. I-I don't know how to say this, but it's been over three months now, and Xander hasn't improved a bit since then. In fact I'd say he has steadily declined. My God Buffy don't you remember what happened two weeks ago?" Without even looking at how her face had paled he knew she did. "Maybe its time...to think about having Xander get some help. Buffy he's a danger to himself and to others. What you just told me proves that. He can't go on like this, and neither can we."

Buffy gave a hard look. It wasn't full of menace as most of her looks had been, but it was full of iron resolve. "I can't give up on him, Giles. He's the only friend I have left. I feel like I gave up on Angel and Willow, I can't fail Xander too. Please Giles, help me. We can't let him go on like this. I don't think he'll survive."

Giles reached over and gave her a hug. "Okay Buffy. We can try and help him. You have to take control. Go talk to him. But Buffy, don't get your hopes up, I don't think you'll be of much help. He may be too far gone for anything to help him. But try Buffy, do whatever you can." Giles held her one more time, gave her a smile, and watched as Buffy left the library, set upon a task that he knew even the slayer couldn't accomplish.


* * *
He was alone. His parents had left for the week, they needed some time away. Xander almost let out a laugh at the thought of his own parents abandoning him. He would have laughed, but Xander for the life of him couldn't remember how. He was sitting downstairs in the family room watching the same tape of Willow again, as he had every night. Her beautiful face prefessing love, a love he had been blind to. His greatest sin of all had been neglecting the feelings of his best friend, ignoring what should have been blantantly obvious. So he sat there, thinking about her loving him, and thinking about how much he truly loved her. The one woman that was perfect for him, the only one that mattered. So he watched the tape, noticing every inch of her beautiful smiling face. Sitting right next to the television screen, he ran his hand accross her face, stroking at hair that wasn't really there. The knock at the door shattered his concentration. Rising to his feet, he went and opened it.

"Oh Buffy. Came over to knock the shit out of me again, did you?" Xander asked as he walked away from the door, sitting back down in front of the television.

Buffy stiffened visibly. "Xander, that's not fair. You had no right to attack Cordelia, she was only trying to..."

"I had every right to slam that bitch! You had no right to stop me, now get the fuck out of my house. What the hell do I care? None of you are Willow...none of you can..." Xander trailed off, crying and huddled up in a ball.

Buffy ignored his harsh words and ran over to him and held him. She knew at one time her holding him would have been the most stimulating thing he would have thought of, but that simply wasn't the case anymore. Her friend was being destroyed and she was struggling every bit of the way to save him. But after this, she knew it was a battle she would lose. "Shh. It's okay Xander, let it out. Just let it out."

He cried in her arms for almost twenty minutes. She held for all she was worth, and let go only when he pulled away. "Do you feel better? Am I forgiven?"

"Yeah Buffy, you're forgiven. But no, I'm not okay. I don't think I ever will be."

Buffy shivered at his last statement. "Xander, we never talked about it. I think we have to, I..." it was then that she saw the television screen for the first time. "Oh Xander. Why do you do this to yourself? She's gone... You have to move on."

"I can't Buffy. I can't and I don't want to. Without Willow it just doesn't matter. Life without her isn't life at all. I've spent my entire life with her at my side, now that she's gone I can't continue. Giles should have let me die."

"Don't say that. Xander, I'm sorry, but I've lost too. Willow was my best friend also. And Angel... I loved him Xander. I loved him with all my heart."

Xander stared at her as she started to cry. He didn't move to help her. He simply stared. "I know Buffy. I know I'm being selfish and wrong, but I don't care. I lost Willow, I never had the chance to love her. I love her so much, and she doesn't even know. Why hasn't she contacted us? Why doesn't she at least send us a letter telling us she's still alive? I have to know Buffy, I have to find out."


* * *
Willow couldn't believe that she was doing this. She was lying face down on a table as a group of people pranced about around her chanting in some strange language and sprinkling her with some sickly smelling stuff. She was putting all of her faith in a group of strangers who might very well be trying to hurt her. Yet it was her only chance, so she had to take it. Looking to her side, she saw Angel standing there in the background, and was a little relieved.

After the two had left Sunnydale, they had quickly learned to count on one another. They travelled accross Europe looking for the Rom, the people who had cursed Angel, and might be able to help Willow. Almost three months had gone by without even a hint at the location of the nomadic gypsies. Then, suddenly, the gypsies had found them. It had happened in southern France. As Willow was walking around during the day, she had been approached by three stange men who told her that they were aware of her situation and could help. They had decided to talk more later that night when Angel would be able to be there. At first the gypsies seemed apprehensive about being around the vampire, but that was to be expected. They had later explained that their clan held grudges a long time, but because of Angel's selfless help he had given Willow, the past could be overlooked. The concept they had offered to help Willow was a simple one. She was not a ordinary vampire, she was something special. An ordinary vampire was doomed to be a vampire for the rest of its existence. Even Angel, who was good and had a soul, would always be a vampire. But Willow was different. They said that there was a way that she could be helped, it would be hard, but that it would return her humanity.

That had been two weeks ago. The two weeks had been required for preperation. Materials were needed, and the spell had to be properly organized. It would take seven gypsies who knew the magic, and the blood of a vampire. Angel had been more than willing. Everything was prepared and the night of the spell was at hand. She had been prepared for what would happen, yet she knew she would not be ready.

So Willow was laying on a cold table while they chanted. Then the shadowy figure of Angel stepped forward and bared his arm. Taking a silver knife, he made a long slice and let the blood fall on the back of Willow's head. The pain hit her suddenly. It was like a fire errupting in her stomach and arching outwards. Willow couldn't help but scream as the spell ran its course. It seemed like hourse of agony, which in reality was more along the lines of twenty seconds. Finally she couldn't take anymore and lapsed into sweet unconciousness. < Xander... >


* * *
Willow awoke in a small room, her body covered in sweat. She tried to sit up but immediately realized the mistake. Her head spun and she quickly plopped back down. Suddenly the remembered what they had tried to do. Getting up despite the pain she quickly examined herself. She thrust fingers into her mouth searching for any sign of fangs. She found none and immediately saw a cross laying on a small table. Slowly edging towards she picked it up and held it tight. Nothing. A wide grin errupted accross her face and she let out a loud yelp. She did a crazy dance that even Xander would have envied, and was quite surprised when she found a baffled Angel staring at her from the doorway.

"Angel!" she cried as she lept at him, pulling him into a tight embrace. "Look, no more bad bitty teeth. I'm me again!"

Angel smiled and hugged her back. "Yes Willow. You're human again. The spell worked perfectly. The gypsies left three days ago, they said..."

"Three days ago! How long have I been out?"

"Um, about five days. They said you were fine and just needed rest. Don't worry Willow, everything's fine."

Willow was about to balk when she thought about it. < Everything's fine. I'm human again! > "Angel. Can we go home now?" she asked in a meek voice.

"Yes. I've already booked us a flight anytime we want to go." Angel said with obvious hope in his eyes.

"Yay! How about tomorow. We can leave tomorow night." Willow was happy. Happier than she had been in months. She was finally going home. To family and friends, to a life she had left behind. To Xander. She missed him so much. But it would be okay. She was going to see him soon, and she knew everything was going to be all right.


* * *
Buffy had just left. Once again Xander was alone, just the way he liked it. A part of him actually appreciated what Buffy had tried to do for him, but the larger part was glad she was gone. He sat back down in front of the televion. The tape had long since ended, so he simply reround it and watched it again. < Why don't you call Willow? I need you. Why didn't you tell me how you felt while you were still around? We could have handled it, we've handled everything else. I'm sorry Willow, but I can't go on. I can't... >

Xander watched the video and cried himself to sleep. His dreams were nightmarish. But even the nightmares were tame when compared to the hellish existence that was his reality.


* * *
"I couldn't help him Giles. I tried, but I-I don't think he can be helped. He refuses to move on. He still watches that tape of Willow, he sits there and tortures himself. He even said that he regretted you, um, saving him that night." Buffy had come into the library, knowing that Giles would still be there this late in the night. She had simply colapsed in a chair and told Giles all that had happened with her and Xander.

"Buffy, I'm sorry. Don't feel bad, there's nothing you can do for him. He may be too far gone for anything to work. At least you tried Buffy, that's what counts."

She gave him a sad look and sighed. "I know. But it hurts. My best friend is destroying himself and I can't help him. Only one person can help him, and she is..."

Buffy was interupted as the door to the library slowly opened revealing two shadowy figures in the doorway. Both paused for a second before the smaller one let out a squeal and ran towards Buffy.

Buffy was completely stunned as the figure wrapped its arms around her and gave her a great hug. She could hear it sobbing and babbling out words. Finally managing to gain control of the situation, Buffy managed to pull herself free and get a look at her attacker. Buffy gasped as she saw the auburn hair and the round face. "Oh... God... You!!!" Buffy reached out and grabbed her in an even fiercer hug, almost crushing her long lost friend.

Finally releasing her, Buffy let out a storm. "Willow! Oh, I'm so happy! How are you? Are you okay? What happened? Where did you go? Is Angel..." Buffy stopped as her friend simply pointed to the doorway, where Buffy found her vampire love in a tight embrace with her watcher. As the two lover's eyes came into contact, they rushed forward and tightly embraced. Gentle kisses and words were exchanged, and they slowly slid apart. Angel looked at the Slayer lovingly, as she balled her fist and knocked him into next year.

"How could you? How could leave without even a word?" Buffy yelled at him, then rushed forward and held him again. The two of them sat on the floor and held their heads close together.

"I'm so sorry Buffy. I didn't want to hurt you, but I thought that I wouldn't be coming back, and that a clean break would be less painful for you. I love you... I'm sorry..." Angel said as he held her even closer.

Giles broke off his hug with Willow and cleared his throat. "So, um, does your being back mean that Willow is better?"

A wide grin spread accross the redheads face. She explained the events leading up to her cure, and how her and Angel were so eager to get back home. "Um, Buffy, I don't mean to be rude, but where's Xander? I really wanna see him!"

The great smile that was plastered across Buffy's face disapeared. She hung her head low and couldn't raise her eyes to meet her firend's. "Will, he have to talk. Xander..." Buffy trailed off, unable to continue. She looked at Willow and was nearly crushed by the look of fear in her eyes.

"What's wrong Buffy? Is he okay? Nobody hurt him? Please tell me!"

Buffy tried to comfort her friend, but realized that the words were hollow. She decided that she had to try the truth. "Willow, Xander is bad. When you left, and he found out you loved him... I think a part of him died. He doesn't eat or sleep, he hardly goes out, and he won't talk to anyone. All he does is sit at home and watch the video you made and cry."

Willow paled and her body was wracked with sobs. "No! He's my best friend... I love him! I-! didn't mean to do this... I didn't mean..." Willow trailed off as she collapsed on the floor.

Buffy hugged her firend tightly and whispered. "Will, I'm sorry, but it gets worse. Two weeks ago, Giles forgot a book here and came to pick it up in the middle of the night. When he came into the library he found Xander laying on the floor in a pool of blood. He had slit his own wrists. The note he left... Well it was bad. It said that he couldn't go on living without you. If Giles hadn't come in, he woulda died. I'm sorry Willow."

Willow was crying. Her entire body trembled as she absorbed the news. Several times she tried to speak, but no sound came out. "What have I done?" she finally whispered. "Oh Xander..."

Buffy stroked Willow's hair and tried to comfort her. "Shh, it's not your fault. You did what you thought was best. But, it'll be okay now! You're back, he'll be happy again!"

Willow stopped sniffling. "You think?" A look of relief came over her face. She stood up and held on to Buffy. "Come on, let's go! I gotta go to my Xander. I gotta make him better!"

"Quickly Giles, to the slayer mobile!" Buffy yelled.

"Um, you mean my chevette?"

"Yes"


* * *
Xander awoke to find the video once again over. Xander wanted to rewind it. He wanted to see her face again. Walking over to the vcr, he once again started his torture. He slid down on the couch and went into his pocket. He pulled out his wallet and looked inside. He was wracked by a a fit of sobbing when he saw the picture of he and Willow together, but then proceeded to pull out what he was looking for. The small object flashed in the light and glinted with menace.

He looked at it for a moment and then started. With the razor blade in his hand, he began to cut his forarm. Simply watching as he may small thin lines in his skin where a trickle of blood followed, he marvelled at his own self mutilation. Xander wondered if he would have the courage again. Trying to take his own life once had taken everything he had, he wasn't certain if he could do it again. Blood was running freely down his arm when there was a knock at the door. Xander ignored it, prefering to gouge his arm with the razor. The knocks became more urgent, yet Xander was oblivious to it all. He was enjoying the exquisite pain too much to be bothered with the outside world. With each cut he withdrew a little further from reality, the physical pain deadening the emotional.

Suddenly the door burst open, shattered by a vicious kick. A blonde haired woman rushed in and quickly knocked the razor out of Xander's hand. He could only stare, wondering who she was and why she was there.

"Xander stop!" the blonde yelled. He looked at her confused. "Xander, please, don't hurt yourself anymore. You have to..."

She stopped talking when the small redhead pushed past her with a strength that seemed impossible. Willow grabbed Xander and held him close to her. Her breath caught in her throat when she looked at him. She let out a cry as she noticed the blood running down his arm. That was nothing compared to the scream she emitted when she saw the scars along his wrist. She looked him in the eyes and knew true horror when she didn't see any recognition.

"Look Xander, Willow's back" Buffy whispered as she knelt beside him.

He turned his head towards her and seemed to finally recognize her. "Buffy. No... That's not Willow. I see her every night, she's not real. Willow's gone Buffy. She's not coming back. Please, leave me alone."

Buffy backed away, terrified. Willow hugged Xander closer, and whispered into his ear, "Xander, feel me I'm real. I was cured, I'm me again. Please Xander, come back to me, I need you. I-I love you. I need my Xander back." The tears rolled down her face, and she gently stroked his hair.

Xander was sobbing uncontrollably. He didn't know what to believe. He wanted it to be true, but couldn't bear another disapointment. He turned his head towards her. He looked into the eyes of his best friend, the woman he loved. Slowly, he reached out a hand and stroked her hair. The hair he had failed to notice his entire life. Xander rubbed her cheek, wondering how he ever could have missed her beauty. "Willow?"

"Yes Xander, it's me. I'm sorry I left, I'm sorry I abandoned you, I'm sorry... I did this to you." Willow cried out, clutching Xander for all she was worth.

"Willow... My Willow is back. Please, don't leave me. I need you. I don't think I did so well without you."

"Never. I'll never leave you again. Xander Harris, you're stuck with me. Don't worry, I'm here, and I'll help you get better." She brushed his cheek with her lips.

"Thank you Willow. I'm sorry I never knew... I should have seen, I must have hurt you so bad. All these years and I've treated you like garbage, I took you for granted. I'm sorry Willow... I never meant to hurt you."

Willow looked at him confused until she noticed what he was watching. The tape. Her tape. The one where she professed her love for him. Instantly she blushed and tried to pull away from him. She couldn't get away, though, Xander held her too tightly.

"Don't Willow, don't run away again. I know you love me. It's not bad. I love you too. I love you so much it hurts. It took you leaving for me to realize." She looked at him as if she didn't believe a word of what he had just said. "Don't say it Will, I'm not acting crazy. I really do love you. I think I always did, I was just too afraid to admit it."

Willow was shocked. The words she had waited for so long to hear, he loved her! She was crying, however, this time they were tears of joy. Their lips connected in a kiss that changed her world. Breaking apart, she turned to see Buffy Giles and Angel smiling at the two of them. Quickly the three of them rushed over to hug Xander. He seemed happy. He even hugged Angel, and thanked him for taking care of 'his Willow'. The five of them talked the rest of the night. Xander was slowly turning back to his old self, joking more and more as the night wore on. Throughout the entire night, he never let go of Willow, holding her to him as though she were the most precious thing on the face of the earth, which of course, she was.


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