Pain is No Stranger: Pain is No Stranger
by spikelover6661
Buffy. The only thought on my brain since the moment I stepped in Sunnydale and after. She is my world, always will be my world. I’ve found you can’t drink away love, can’t fight it away, even in death, I’ll be madly, blindly, truly in love with Buffy. Buffy the Vampire Slayer who can’t bring herself to kill me.

Buffy is a hero. I know that. And I also know I’m not. I’m evil. That’s all she sees when she looks at me. And she likes it. She wants to feel bad. At least in shame, she can feel alive. But I’m *not* alive and it appalls her. But why I don’t know. No one seems to see it. Even evil can change.

I hate it. I hate me and I hate her and I hate her damn little Scooby friends for being so blind. I know I’m blind, I know I don’t always see things for what they are when it involves me, but I see for other people. I see it for all of them, and they don’t see me, at all. I’m dead, I know that, but death doesn't make you any worse than alive. I’m cold and my heart doesn't beat and I may not have a conscience, but I’m getting one. I do feel. Even if a vampire seems to have no remorse, in reality, he does. It just never stops him. He likes to feel bad. To become a vampire, you have to completely give up on life and that’s when you turn your back. But I’m not turning away any more. I’m standing, bathed in light, so that I can love. And be loved.

But Buffy doesn't see that.

None of them see that.

I give and I give and I give, and I do the best I can and it isn’t enough. And I don’t want to hurt her, but I love her so much, I have to. I am evil, I know it, but I can be good, if she’d let me. She doesn't want me to be good, she wants a monster, but I’m not sure all of her wants me as a monster. I don’t even think any part of her wants me at all.

God, the world is a confusing place. If life was simple, though, I might not like it as much as I do. But it would have been far simpler if I had just stayed in South America, made Dru love me. Stayed in denial, but no. I came back, because of Buffy. And here I stay, because of Buffy. If I left, the only time she would notice was when she wanted orgasm and then she would leave, kicking me in the head like I had to do with the need arousing in her.

I have to stop thinking. I have to do something. And I think I finally know what.
*~*~*~*

The cold of night made no difference to me. I can’t feel it. I’m dead. But I can feel the pain, Buffy’s pain, like a beacon, calling me to make it better. But I know I’m the cause.

I find myself at the Summer’s door, not sure I can do what I know I have to. I stand, the rain soaking me, destroying the leather of my duster, but I can’t do anything, but stand in the rain, gel from my hair pouring into my face, hair flattening against my head. I’m sure I looked like a little lost puppy, but this was hard. I loved Buffy and I wanted to make, tender, sweet love to her, but she didn’t want it. *She* wanted to be a monster for once. She wanted to walk on the dark side, and I was that dark side. I don’t want to be her dark side, I want to be her everything. She’ll never let me be that, and I want all or nothing.

I think I stood there until my legs started folding under me. I then knocked, my brain not even focusing on what I was doing, I was too shut down. Dawn got the door and gave me a smile that made the task even harder. I would hut Buffy and in hurting Buffy, I would hurt Dawn. And that was harder than hurting Buffy, for some reason. Maybe because I couldn’t explain it do Dawn. maybe because Dawn loved me. Maybe because Dawn was my little Niblet and I loved her.

“Spike! You’re all wet and shivery, come in! You want... a T-Shirt? I have big ones that might fit. I think I might have one of yours,” Dawn said, letting me in.

“No, no Niblet, I’m not staying long.”

“Oh, come on. I want a sleep over. We have lots and lots of bags of popcorn!” Dawn laughed.

“I can’t, Niblet. Where’s... where’s the Slayer?” I took of my dripping duster and hung it on the Summer’s coat rack.

“Room. Knock, she might be in the nude and I think... well, you know...” Dawn gave me a little push. “Demons, right? Go get her.”

“No, no demons, except me and her.”

“Whatever, just leave me to watch TV *all* alone.” Dawn went in the living room, leaving me, clothes even more plastered to my skin than usual. The house didn’t seem so cozy, knowing what I had to do.

I slowly walked up the stairs, knowing this was the last time I probably ever would. I took it carefully, feeling the wooden stair beneath my feet, through my sodden boots. Feeling the house before I never returned to it again.

I knocked on her door, taking unnecessary breaths. Because I needed to. Otherwise, well... There would be no way to let out my apprehension.

“Buffy, luv, can I come in?” I called, softly.

“Yeah, Spike. But don’t expect what you came here for,” her voice, so heavenly, so perfect, so full of innocence, I nearly fell over in pain. She had lost that innocence. And with me.

“I do expect what I came here for,” I said, opening the door, striding in. I tried to stay away from Buffy, but it was hard. I loved her so much, I had to hurt her now, and when I did, I would never get to touch her porcelain skin again. Ever.

“No, Spike, Dawn!” Buffy sat down on the bed, staring at me intently. Waiting for me to make a move.

“I didn’t come here for that. Or for you. I came here to tell you... I’m done. I’m done being your minion, your unfulfilled love, your wacky neighbor, your truth in blindness, I’m done. And I’m done being your easy way out. I want you, not the same way you want me. I don’t want to be used, I want to be loved and I see, now, that that is too hard for you. For you to stop pretending I’m anything more than dead. You have to feel it, the life in me. But you just don’t. So I can’t keep lying to you, or myself.”

I closed the door and left, never to return again.

(((It’s bad, I know, but I was bored, so take it as it is!!! Please review, I really like the feedback.))))

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