Fight the Future: Fight the Future
by Jai L
Disclaimer: Nope. It's sad but true. I do not own Buffy and co. They belong to the big man, Joss Whedon. Now you know who to really worship.



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I've lived on torment so long, I don't know if I can feel anymore. He was right. Whistler. The more I lived in the world, the more apart from it I felt. I'm not a man, I'm a monster. I've seen what he's done. The people he's killed. A punishment I never faced before. Before the curse, I never saw what happened, never stood silently to the side as he fed. But the Romani changed that. I guess the curse isn't over. Even with Angelus back, I am forced to watch what he does. Not by force really. As a free spirit, I can watch others at some moments, but at times, I am forced to watch Angelus' madness.

Buffy. God, I miss you. You were the one thing that proved Whistler wrong. You made me feel a part of your world. I can see you. I stood there, that first night. The night I turned. I was there when you cried. I wanted to hold you, to comfort you. But I couldn't. Then there was the fight. The first face off in the mall. I tried to scream at you to kill Angelus. I burned with hate for him. But of course, you couldn't hear me. You walked away. You still held hope.

Willow. I wish I could thank you for being there for her. You may seem timid at times, but you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You console her when she needs it. She needs it all the time. Oh, I wish I could thank you.

Xander. I hated him once. He could see her all day. That changed. That moment in the hospital when you stood up to Angelus. The bastard is right though. You still love her. You're ready to die for her. You wouldn't give up. I could see the hate in your eyes for Angelus. For me. You hate us both. You consider us the same... I can't blame you. I blame myself for the same reasons you do. He and I are one. Not different, but the same. He... we, ripped your world apart. My kind changed you. We hardened you. I can feel you turning darker, more detached. You're held together by your friends. I respect you so much. You'll try to protect Buffy until your dying breath.

Giles. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Jenny was a great person. She died to save me. You know that now. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry, but she's in a better place, where the darkness can't touch her. Where I can't get to her. You love her. And... She still loves you. I hope you know that.

But now everything is changing. Acathla. The curse. I could have my soul again. I stood there in the library when Willow and Buffy brought it to Giles. A part of me held hope. Then Xander spoke up. He doesn't want them to do it. He doesn't want me back. In his mind, I am guilty. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to tell him I deserve my chance to be there. Then reality dawns. I had over 240 years to be there. When I got my soul back, I was in anguish at the crimes I had committed. Can I face that again? All those faces? Theresa, Jenny. Two of many. How many people died because of what I did? Too many to count. Part of me wants to go back, but the other part doesn't want to. I couldn't live there, face them, knowing what I did.

Time snaps. Buffy is in the cemetery, fighting Angel. I wanted to watch. For my release, my salvation, or my love's death. But something inside me feels wrong. I have to be somewhere else.

Reality snaps. I'm in the library. I am the first to see the vampires. I try to yell out a warning, but it is too late. The vampires are already attacking. I watch with horror as the shelf falls on Willow, fracturing a few of her vertebrate. I feel sick as Xander's arm breaks with an audible snap. Time flows quickly, like a raging river and falls on Kendra. I can barely blink as Druscilla slices her neck and the slayer falls to the floor. I watch with sadness and horror as the blood slowly pools by her body. Yet another death on my soul. I turn and watch them drag Giles away. NO! I rush to stop them but go straight through. I watch them leave, and stand witness to the aftermath of turmoil and chaos. It seemed like hours, days even, but in reality it was on a few minutes. The doors slam open. I see Buffy run in. Did she defeat him? No. I can still feel his darkness. I kneel next to her as she searches for life in Kendra. I know she'll find none.

The tears stream down her face and I am hit with a vision. I see the darkness that is about to come. I inhale deeply and softly whisper, hoping she will hear. Impossible as it is, I can only hope that whatever God that exists allows her to hear as I feel myself being drawn away.

"Fight the future Buffy."

Then I am ripped away. I must watch Angelus' darkness again.


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