The Twilight Hours: Part One
by Kacey
The noise invaded Buffy's consciousness from far away. It had the sound of a drumbeat, yet there was no discernable rhythm. Buffy tried to block it out and once again fall into the comfortable realm of nonexistence, but the beat became louder and more frenzied. At last unable to bear it any longer, Buffy yelled "What?"
Buffy heard her bedroom door creak open and then a soft voice said, "Buffy are you...oh you were. Sorry, I'll come back later."
Shaking the last of the cobwebs from her sleep infested brain, Buffy sat up on her bed and said quickly, "No, it's okay Will. C'mon in."
A hesitant Willow made her way into Buffy's room and then sat down beside her friend on the bed. There was silence for a moment before Willow finally spoke.
"I didn't see you after school today," Willow said softly, plucking at the embroidered bed spread.
"Yeah, well, I had some stuff to do," Buffy replied, pushing her tangled hair out of her eyes.
"I thought, I mean I got the impression that we were going to go to the Bronze tonight, you and me, y'know sort of a `I hate men' night out."
"Oh God, Will, I completely forgot. I am so sorry. I just have so much on my mind right now. Believe me when I say that I didn't mean to stand you up like that."
"I thought you'd say something like that," Willow said, a bit miffed.
"Willow-" Buffy began.
"Buffy, I- I just wanted to come by and see how you were," Willow interrupted her, deciding to get straight to the point. "At school today you looked so...I don't know, out of it, I guess. Like the lights were on but nobody was home. You've got us all worried, you know. You just haven't been the same since...since...."
"You can say it, Will. Since I turned Angel back into a vampire."
Willow winced at Buffy's harsh tone. "Buffy, that wasn't your fault. You of all people should understand that. How were you supposed to know-"
"I didn't have to know!" Buffy interjected sharply. "I should have realized how stupid and naive I was being! It didn't matter if I knew or not- now we're all paying for my mistake!"
For a moment Willow thought Buffy was going to cry, but she quickly masked whatever emotion her outburst had conjured. It was precisely this stoicism, this...coldness that had everyone worried. Ever since Angel's reversion to his demonic persona a little more than a month ago, Buffy had cut off her feelings, refusing to speak about the entire incident with anyone. She simply went through the motions of being alive but in reality, Willow was quite sure that she was somewhere else entirely. Willow had told Buffy that that day at school it had seemed as though `the lights were on but nobody was home,' but the truth was that it had been like that every day for an entire month. Willow had finally decided that someone had to confront Buffy about what was going on, and since both male members of the Slayerettes were of the opinion that Buffy just needed more time, Willow had realized that it had to be her.
"Buffy, you can't go on like this."
Buffy bowed her head and with her hair obscuring her face, said simply, "I know."
It was the first indication Willow had heard that Buffy realized the hopelessness of her present emotional state, and that she might want to do something to change it. Heartened by this news, Willow continued.
"You know, Giles and Xander think that we should just leave you alone. That all you need is some time to get over this. But I don't agree with them. They're guys- I don't think they can truly understand what you're going through right now. I'm not pretending that I do either, but I do have the fact that I'm female going for me. We both know that it's...different for guys. It doesn't mean so much. Buffy, I know you're hurting right now. Believe me I know it. But bottling it inside like that can't be helping anything. We're your friends, we're here for you. And even if you didn't feel comfortable talking about it with Xander or Giles, there's always me. I haven't been through anything even resembling what you've been through, but I am a good listener. Please Buffy, it really is killing us to see you like this."
When Buffy remained silent, Willow felt her frustration growing and struggled to keep her tone even. "Buffy-"
"Willow," Buffy interrupted, lifting her head to stare her friend straight in the eye, "I know you guys are there for me. But I'm not ready. I can't," Buffy gulped, "I can't talk about this right now. It's still too soon...I do need more time. I know it's hard not to worry, but I promise, when I can deal with this better I'll let you know. But for now...."
Willow could think of nothing to say in response to Buffy's words. She wasn't sure if she believed her, but she also realized that you couldn't make another person talk if they didn't want to. Heaving an internal sigh, Willow glanced around the room in search of something to say to get through to Buffy. It was as she was doing this that she noticed how clean Buffy's room was. Before she thought about it, she found herself remarking on it.
"Wow, what'd you do, turn into Superwoman? I've never seen this place so spotless."
Buffy's answer was a noncommital shrug. "Yeah, well, it was something I needed to do."
As Willow looked back at her friend, she was struck by how gaunt Buffy was. She knew Buffy hadn't been sleeping well, but it just then occurred to her that she probably hadn't been eating well either. Or eating at all, Willow silently amended, thinking of how thin Buffy had looked in some of her customary tight fitting outfits this past week.
"Buffy-" Willow started, only to be cut off by Buffy once more.
"Listen Will, there's really nothing you can do for me now. I appreciate the offer and everything, but I just have to sort this out myself. I think...I think that I need to be alone right now, okay?"
Willow just stared at Buffy, who steadfastly refused to meet her eyes. Feeling a bit hurt by Buffy's abrupt tone, but realizing that her friend was in a lot of pain, Willow slowly got up and walked to the door. Just before she closed it behind her, Willow turned and said in her most stern voice, "Don't think you're getting off that easily, Buffy. I may let your excuse put me off for now, but it's not going to work like that forever."
Buffy said nothing.
Willow stared at her a moment longer and then shut the door behind her. As she exited the Summers' residence, she couldn't help but be plagued by an uneasy feeling that all was not right.
* * *
"For the last time, I am *not* going to go with you to the Winter Ball!"
It was the following morning and as Xander and Cordelia walked down the corridors of Sunnydale High, Cordelia was once again staving off Xander's attempts to have them formally recognized as a couple. But Xander was not to be thwarted so easily.
"Why not? The whole school knows anyway. We might as well make it official."
Cordelia gasped in horror as the implication of Xander's words sunk in. "You mean...?" she began.
"Uh, yeah! Do you really think everyone is blind? We've come out of the closet more often in the past couple of months than the Village People did in their entire career."
"Ha-ha, very funny. Why does everything have to be a joke with you? Can't you ever be serious?"
"I *am* being serious. That's me, serious-boy." Seeing Cordelia's eyes narrow at his last words, Xander tried again. "All right, all right. But if I have to be serious, then you have to be realistic. It isn't a secret anymore. Give it up."
When Cordelia just stared at him with her jaw clenched, Xander felt the fragile hold he had on his temper begin to go, as it so often did when he was with her. "*What* is your problem?! You are the most infuriating, despicable female I have ever-"
Xander was interrupted as Willow came up to them, a worried expression pulling her delicate features into a frown. "Um, have either of you seen Buffy today?"
Xander and Cordelia glanced at each other before both shaking their heads.
Relations between Xander and Willow had been strained ever since Willow had discovered the truth about Xander and Cordelia's relationship. The two old friends still maintained an uneasy alliance, mainly for Buffy's sake, but there was no longer the closeness of the past. It was because of this that Willow simply turned to walk away after receiving Xander and Cordelia's responses.
"Willow, wait!" Xander called after the redhead, leaving Cordelia so he could catch up to her. Cordelia, insulted at Xander's abandonment, stormed off in the other direction.
As Xander caught up to Willow, he noticed for the first time the dark circles under her eyes. He briefly wondered what could have possibly caused Willow to lose sleep. But he focused his thoughts back on the issue at hand, and asked, "Why do you need to find Buffy?"
"I don't know," Willow responded truthfully. "I just, ever since, well, I've had this...feeling, that something bad was going to happen. And I think it has to do with Buffy. It's probably nothing, but still...it bothers me."
"Do you think it has something to do with Angel?" Xander queried.
"I wish I knew," Willow said. "It could be. I mean, he *has* been trying to hurt her, ever since the...reversal."
"So, you're thinking what? That we should keep her locked in her room and not let her go hunting?"
"I didn't say that!" Willow protested. "I don't even know why I'm worried. I doubt it's even anything. Let's just forget we ever had this conversation, okay?"
Xander caught Willow's arm just as she turned to walk away. "Will, listen...I'm sorry. I'm concerned about Buffy too. But I think we just have to trust her and believe in her ability to take care of herself. She *is* the Slayer, remember?"
Willow just looked at him for a moment, and then her eyes suddenly grew wide and excited. Before Xander could even react, Willow had taken off past Xander. Xander was utterly confused until he heard the word "Buffy!" issue forth from Willow's lips.
Turning, he saw a surprised Buffy caught up in Willow's tight embrace. Walking over to join the two girls, he heard Willow say "Thank God you're all right!"
Buffy shot a glance at Xander as if to say "Is she okay?" before looking back at Willow. "Uh...yeah. Why? What did you think had happened?"
A fiery blush swept over Willow's cheeks before she ducked her head and said sheepishly, "Nothing. I just had this feeling...."
"She was worried about you," Xander cut in, forcing Buffy to look at him. "We both are."
For an instant, their gazes stayed locked, before Buffy finally tore her eyes away to look straight at Willow. "Well I'm fine, so neither of you has anything to worry about," Buffy said before walking off in the direction of her locker.
Willow and Xander were left staring after the Slayer, feeling helpless and silently wondering just how many times they had actually heard the words "I'm fine" come out of Buffy's mouth in the past month.
* * *
"What do you think you're you doing?"
Buffy jumped about ten feet in the air when she heard the voice behind her. "Omigod Giles! You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The librarian, however, did not apologize. He merely crossed his arms and stared sternly at his young charge.
Buffy, letting out a nervous little laugh, held up the crossbow she had been retrieving. "I was just getting this. Since I'm hunting tonight, I kind of wanted it. It's my weapon of choice for vampire slayage, you know."
"Oh, well in that case then...."
"Sorry I didn't tell you first, but I didn't think you were even here. And now that you know that I have it, I think I'm going to be on my way," Buffy said sidestepping her Watcher as she went through the doorway of the weapons locker.
"Do you have homework tonight?"
The query caught Buffy completely off guard. Trying to fathom where Giles was coming from with this odd question, Buffy simply stammered, "Uh...no."
"Because I was just going to say that if you do," Giles said, shutting the door to the weapons locker, "you really should be placing that ahead of slaying right now."
"Sure Giles, whatever," Buffy said, quickly walking over to her large bag so she could hide the crossbow in it.
But she was stopped when Giles grabbed the handles. Unable to open the bag, Buffy raised her head to demand an explanation as to what Giles thought he was doing. But when she met his gaze, all thoughts fled from her head at the expression in his eyes.
"I've seen your grades, Buffy," he said gently.
"So?" Buffy raised her chin a notch.
"So, I know you're going through an extremely difficult time right now, and I know that school is the last thing on your mind. I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I think you need to try and make more of an effort in your classes. I know it's hard, but these grades are the worst you've ever received."
Tears filled Buffy's eyes at Giles' veiled reference to the incident with Angel. Rapidly blinking them away until all that remained in her eyes was sadness, Buffy said carefully, "You're right Giles. School isn't really my main concern right now, but I can't see a way to change that. Things'll be different soon, I promise, but for now...."
Giles felt his heart twist as he heard the pain in Buffy's words, and he honestly wished there was something he could do to help the girl. But he knew no words or gesture would make Buffy feel better. This was something she would just have to get through on her own.
"Buffy, you know if you ever need anything-"
"You're here," Buffy finished for him. "I know."
With that, she shoved the crossbow in her bag and hoisted it onto her shoulder. She let out a small "oomph" at its considerable weight.
"What do yo have in there, rocks?" Giles joked.
Buffy looked at her Watcher and offered him a sad smile in response to his joke. "I'm just taking some stuff home that I don't need anymore." With that, she began walking toward the library doors.
"Be careful tonight," Giles called.
Turning around, Buffy's only response was a quiet, "Yeah."
And then she was gone.
* * *
"Ugh, where did I put that book?!"
"Is something the matter Willow?" Giles asked, emerging from behind the stacks upon hearing the redhead's groaning.
"No, everything's fine Giles," Willow responded. "I just can't remember where I put my quantum mechanics book, and I need it to work on this paper for AP Physics."
"I have several books on quantum mechanics, if you wish to borrow one."
"Thanks Giles, but I already looked through all of yours. I had to have this particular book sent over from a library in Los Angeles because I couldn't find it anywhere else. Now if I could just remember what I did with it...." Willow said, resuming the search through her backpack.
"Did you leave it in your locker?" Giles suggested.
"No, I already checked there. I had it a couple of days ago and I seem to remember putting it in my locker, but I guess I was...Buffy!"
Giles, surprised at Willow's sudden outburst, simply stared at her.
Willow quickly explained herself. "I put it in Buffy's locker because mine was too full! Now I remember! I wonder if she's still around somewhere so I can get it out...?"
"Actually, Buffy went home several hours ago. She stopped by after school to pick up some equipment for hunting tonight and then she left. I suppose you could call her and ask her to come retrieve it for you...." Giles said in a tone that suggested that he did not recommend doing that.
"No, that's okay, I know her locker combination," Willow tossed out.
Realizing the inanity of her own comment, Willow blushed. "It was just that, I thought if Buffy was still around, then it wouldn't be very polite of me to just go and open her locker. But since she's not, I'm not going to worry about it."
Willow said this last sentence as she walked toward the library doors, intent on retrieving her book as soon as possible. Giles was left shaking his head and pondering what strange creatures teenagers were.
* * *
"Hmmmm, what was the first number? 24? Or was it 34? Or maybe it was 42? Oh shoot, I thought I knew it...."
Willow was standing at Buffy's locker trying to remember the combination, having experienced a sudden lapse in memory in this area. As she debated over which to try first, she heard voices coming down the hall and quickly hoped that neither of them belonged to Principal Snyder.
To her immense relief, Willow saw Xander and Cordelia round a corner and head in her direction. Apparently Xander had waited around for cheerleading practice to end, Willow realized, seeing Cordelia still dressed in her cheerleading clothes. Was it really that late? Willow wondered, and then glancing at her watch, she confirmed that it was indeed past 5:00.
As Xander and Cordelia drew even with Willow, they stopped. Willow, remembering that she was not the only one allowed to open Buffy's locker, quickly asked, "Xander, what's Buffy's locker combo?"
"Uh, 34-19-24, I think," Xander responded.
"That's it! No wonder I was confused," Willow said.
"What is this, breaking and entering?" Cordelia put in as Willow set to work on the combination.
"No, Ms. Smarty-Pants," Xander said snappily, "we both know Buffy's locker combination and she knows ours in case we have an emergency and need to-"
"Oh my God!"
Xander was interrupted by Willow's gasped exclamation. Acting without thinking, Xander went over to Willow and pulled her into his embrace. "What is it?" he asked quickly.
"It's, it's...her locker," Willow said, pointing.
But when Xander turned his head to confront whatever nameless horror it was that had scared the beejeebers out of his best friend, he saw...nothing.
* * *
"Willow, there's nothing there but a...book on quantum mechanics," Xander said, stepping in to take a closer look.
This news did not comfort Willow, who only became more distraught at having the obvious stated.
"Xander, this is Buffy's locker and there's nothing in it except for one of *my* books!" Willow cried.
Xander knew he was missing some crucial point here, but he could only say "So?"
"So? So?! Is that all you can say? Don't you get it?!"
"Get what?" Cordelia said, deciding to jump into the conversation.
"I should have realized it before," Willow said, speaking to herself, "all the signs were there. Her behavior, then her room, I can't believe I didn't see it."
"Willow," Xander said gently, stepping closer and placing his hands on her shoulders. "What are you talking about?"
Willow raised her eyes to Xander's, and as she did, a single tear spilled down her cheek. In a tremulous voice, she said, "This empty locker, her attitude lately, her spotless room last night- Xander, these are all signs of someone who's going to commit suicide!"
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