Preconceived Notions: Part Two
by Kacey
Buffy awoke the following Wednesday with a pounding headache. Groaning, she swung her legs off the bed and padded barefoot into the bathroom. After splashing cool water on her face, Buffy dared a look in the mirror. Wanting to groan all over again at what she saw, she decided she was going to need a little extra make-up this morning. Although she realized there was nothing she could do about her bloodshot eyes, she knew a little concealer and foundation would go a long way toward hiding the dark circles under her eyes and her wan complexion.

She had had the dream again last night. It had been strangely absent since the previous Thursday night, and Buffy had foolishly hoped that it had gone away for good. No such luck. It had returned last night, and with a vengeance. It had been so intense, Buffy would have sworn that she was actually there, in the dream, experiencing every emotion to its fullest extent. She had smelled the flowers and felt the rain pelt her body. She honestly wouldn't have been surprised if she had woken up with two white roses in her hands.

But once again, the flowers remained frustratingly out of reach. Just as she had tried to grasp their delicate beauty, she had been yanked back into the world of the living. She was almost sure this was the reason for her blinding headache. It was bad enough, in fact, that Buffy was debating the relative merits of staying home from school that day. In the end, she decided against it, knowing that for one, her mom would probably never allow it, and two, she really couldn't afford to miss any school. Her grades were low enough as it was.

Buffy quickly applied the finishing touches to her make up, then went into her room in search of a suitable outfit. Sweats and an old T-shirt would have been preferable, but Buffy had too much vanity to allow herself out in public wearing that. She settled for a pair of overalls and a comfy shirt, before gathering up her school things and plodding downstairs.

Her mother had Buffy's toast and orange juice set out on the table already, and Buffy flopped into the chair and picked up a piece. Chewing slowly, she tried to block out the pain of her throbbing head.

Joyce Summers, noticing her daughter's unusual lack of verbosity, inquired "You're awfully quiet honey. Is something the matter?"

"I've got a killer headache."

"Have you taken anything for it? Some Advil or aspirin?"

Buffy lied and said yes. She knew her mother wouldn't understand if she tried explaining that drugs as weak as ibuprofen simply didn't affect her Slayer's chemistry. No, she'd simply have to ride this headache out without the aid of modern medicine.

"Do you have any idea what could have caused it?"

Buffy briefly considered telling her about the dream, but decided that her mother probably wouldn't care. "No, I don't," she responded, taking another bite of toast.

"Were you having that dream again?" Joyce asked tentatively.

Buffy stopped in mid-chew. "How do you know about the dream?"

Buffy's mother sat down at the table and covered her daughter's hand with her own. "Oh honey, I've heard you talking in your sleep for the past few weeks. It's the same thing, every time. Something about being wet, and flowers. Do you want to tell me about it?"

Buffy glanced down at her mother's hand covering her own. Suddenly, she knew she wanted, needed, to share just this one little facet of her life with her mom. Before she knew what was happening, Buffy had spilled everything about the dream, and her mom was nodding understandingly.

"Hmmm, honey, that is a bit odd, but it certainly doesn't seem like the kind of dream you'd be having every night. Do you have any idea what the underlying significance could be?"

Buffy blew out a frustrated breath. "I wish I did. Gi-- uh, someone mentioned something about how the white color of the roses could mean innocence, but I still don't see how that relates. It's all so incredibly frustrating. Each time, I swear I'm going to get the roses, and each time, I don't."

Joyce patted her daughter's hand in sympathy. "Well, I'm sure you'll find out in time. In the meantime, try not to let it consume you so much, and maybe it will go away, okay?"

"Okay, Mom."

"Good. Now we'd better get going or you're going to be late for school."

As Buffy went out to the car, Joyce was left alone in the kitchen with frown puckering her forehead. She knew she had to tell her daughter the truth, before the dream did it for her. The question was, how much longer did she have?


* * *
The morning passed in a pain-fogged blur for Buffy, but as she walked into the library at lunchtime, she was relieved to realize that her headache had finally disappeared. Glancing around the empty room, Buffy called out a tentative "Giles? Willow? Xander? Anybody here?"

After a few seconds of breathless silence, Giles emerged from the stacks at the rear of the library. "Oh Buffy," he said as he wiped his dusty hands on his pants "there you are. Willow came in looking for you. It seems she forgot that she has a PSAT review session right now, and she was supposed to eat with you. She said to tell you that she's sorry, but she'll see you after school."

Buffy tried to hide the disappointed look that passed across her features. "Oh," she muttered, "well, no big deal. As soon as Xander shows up we'll go-"

"Oh I'm sorry Buffy- Willow also said to tell you that Xander is getting tutored in trigonometry, so he can't make it either."

This time Buffy was unsuccessful in her attempt to mask the pain on her face at hearing her two best friends had abandoned her in favor of more scholarly pursuits. Buffy knew that she was being irrational feeling this way, because of course she wanted Willow to do well on that major achievement test and Xander to pass math, but she couldn't help herself. Heaving a gigantic sigh, Buffy said "All right then. I guess I'll just go eat by myself, all alone, a shining example of the loser rejects of Sunnydale High. Oh, the fun."

Giles interrupted Buffy's motion toward the library doors. "You know, Buffy, you might want to consider doing some of that yourself."

Buffy, being utterly confused, asked "Doing some of what?"

"Getting tutoring. Going to a review session for the Standardized Achievement Test. You know, you really need to score well on those, not to mention bring your grades up, if you intend on getting into a good college-"

"Should I even bother, Giles?" Buffy startled Giles with her distressed tone of voice. "Should I? Am I going to college? Will I even be alive long enough to graduate from high school?"

At this point Buffy had worked herself into an extremely agitated state. She was shaking uncontrollably and just barely managed to make it over to a chair before she collapsed and buried her face in her hands.

Giles, not really knowing what to do to comfort the distraught girl, took a few steps in her direction, then suddenly stopped. He started to say gently "Buffy, I-"

But before he could finish his sentence, Buffy had jerked her head up and was glaring at him. Rising, Buffy began walking toward her Watcher, who in turn was quickly retreating. "Do you know what it's like, Giles, not knowing if you're going to be alive tomorrow? Knowing that you could die at any moment? You continually badger me about doing better in school, asking me why I don't seem to care about my grades, but I'm asking you- why should I bother? Answer me truthfully: how many Slayers have actually survived long enough to celebrate their 18th birthdays? How many?"

Giles, stunned at Buffy's emotional outburst, could do nothing but gape at her for a few seconds. When he finally found his voice, it came out in something resembling a croak. "I- well, um, it's never, uh, really been counted, and it would be hard to say exactly-"

"Giles! Don't protect me by lying to me. I think it's time I heard the truth. How many?"

This time it was Giles' turn to slump down in a chair. "Very few," he answered in a ghost of a whisper.

The confirmation of what Buffy had intuitively known to be fact seemed to drain all the life from the girl. Letting out a muffled sob, she stumbled into Giles' office and promptly collapsed onto his old battered sofa. Giles, knowing that Buffy needed this moment alone to come to terms with her brutal fate, made no move to follow.

When finally he dared venture into the office, he found Buffy laying on his sofa with her eyes closed. Thinking she was asleep and not wanting to wake her, he whispered "Buffy?"

One hazel eye cracked open, quickly followed by the other, and Buffy slowly sat up. Giles tentatively took a seat beside her, sinking into the worn cushions as Buffy wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Letting out a few last miserable sniffs, she cocked her head toward Giles and bravely attempted a watery smile. Giles felt his heart swell for this girl, so young and yet so old, so scared but still so brave. He felt an answering smile work the corners of his mouth upwards.

"Buffy I-" he began.

But she interrupted him by quickly shaking her head. Giles stopped and stared at her, waiting for her to start, and tried to give her a moment to collect her thoughts.

When finally she did commence speaking, her words came in halting, breathless clumps. "No, don't apologize. I- I should be the one to say I'm sorry. I didn't mean to flip out on you like that...it's just, I mean, well...I *know* all that stuff already. I guess- I guess I just didn't want to actually hear it said out loud, you know?

"I've accepted that I'm the Slayer, I've accepted my responsibilities. I know that everyone dies someday, and I realize that it will most likely happen to me sooner rather than later. But that really doesn't make it any easier. I'm 16 years old, I shouldn't have to be thinking about death, and pain and hurting the people I love the most. The most important thing in my life right now should be deciding what I'm going to wear to school tomorrow, not deciding which weapon will be most effective for dusting a vampire. I know, I know, I'm the Slayer, yadda, yadda, yadda. But can't the Slayer be a regular teenage girl, just for once?"

Buffy fell silent and Giles could think of nothing in immediate response to all that the girl had said. As seconds passed and the silence lengthened and charged the air around them, Giles finally said "Buffy, I understand how you feel. Believe it or not, I agree with what you've said. And you have a right to feel that way-"

Once again, Buffy cut him off with a shake of her head. "Giles, don't worry about what I said. I know there's nothing you can do about it. I just had to vent. Just do me a favor and answer one question: Have there been any Slayers who survived past adolescence?"

Giles seemed a bit taken aback by her question, but took no time in responding. "Yes, several as a matter of fact. Although most Slayers, um, pass away before they reach adulthood, there have been cases where the Slayer lived into her twenties and was then replaced by another slayer."

"Wait a minute. I thought there could only be one slayer in each generation."

Giles sighed. "It's all rather complex. What it really means is that there can only be one *active* Slayer in each generation. You have no powers until you are called. For example, the Slayer before you, Jocelyn Rames, died when she was 19 and you were 14. As I'm sure you can recall, that was when you were approached about your being the Slayer."

"Giles, I'm not getting this. I've always been stronger than the other kids, and faster and more agile. In third grade I beat up this huge sixth grade boy who tried to steal my lunch. Don't tell me I didn't have powers then, because that boy's broken nose and black eye would definitely attest otherwise."

"Buffy, I'm sure what you're telling me is true, and this is where it gets sticky. It's never exactly been figured out if a girl is born with powers because she is the Slayer, or if a girl is chosen as the Slayer because she *is* stronger and faster than her peers. Either way, didn't you notice that when you were told you were the Slayer that your abilities increased tremendously, almost as if discovering your destiny and accepting it made you more powerful than ever before?"

He was right. Buffy had always been an extraordinary child, but only after she had discovered she was the Slayer had she finally learned how to channel all of her energy and enthusiasm into making herself what she was today. It was as if her birthright had given her a purpose in life, a sense of direction, and no matter how much she professed to hate it, she knew that it was something she had been waiting for her entire life.

This time it was Buffy's turn to sigh. "Giles, if I die, who's next?"

"Well, I really don't know, to tell the truth."

"Oh c'mon, Giles, I'll bet you do. How old is she? What does she look like? Is she going to have to move to the Hellmouth to battle the undead, or can she do it in her own corner of the world?"

"Buffy, I honestly don't know these things. The only thing I do know for sure is that Slayers appear where they are needed. Jocelyn was British and in the time she was the Slayer, there was a vampire problem in England. The Slayer before her, Leticia Fernandos, was from Argentina, because several years ago, vampires were taking over Buenos Aires. If something happens to you and there is still a problem on the Hellmouth, then that's where the next Slayer will be."

"But what if the next Slayer isn't ready yet? What if she's too young?"

"Unfortunately, there is no such thing as too young when it comes to being the Slayer. You were lucky; at least you were a teenager when you were told. Some girls are considerably younger. The youngest slayer ever was only eight. She started slaying before she was ready, and sadly, she died shortly before her ninth birthday. That was a long time ago, and that lesson was taken to heart. In the past years, there have been several instances of the existing Slayer dying when the next Slayer was only a small child. In this case, the girl was trained from then on and there simply was no Slayer for several years, not until the girl was old enough to fully assume her role. This usually happens around 10 or 11, depending on the girl."

"Has anyone who started that young ever lived to adulthood?"

Giles shook his head sadly. "Most never even make it to be teenagers."

"What?!" Buffy practically yelled. The color was rising in her cheeks and she was working herself into quite an emotional frenzy. "So it's like they're throwing her to the slaughter!" she spat out contemptuously. "If they know there's no way she could survive, why don't they keep her from her duties until she's older?!"

"Buffy, they would if they could, but that's not the way things work. It is usually at that point in a Slayer's life when all the signs point to her being ready to fulfill her destiny. Nothing would happen unless it was meant to happen. If a Slayer assumes her role, then fate has dictated that the time is right for it to happen."

Buffy slumped down in the couch and looked utterly dejected. "So it was my time, huh?" she murmured softly.

"Yes Buffy, it was."

Once again, the silence stretched out and it began to make Giles uncomfortable. This time, however, he kept his mouth shut and waited for Buffy to voice her thoughts. He wasn't kept long.

"What are the chances that I'll live to 20?"

A loaded question if ever there was one. Giles pulled in a deep breath before tackling that one. "I can't give you exact odds, Buffy. All I can tell you is that you're one of the most talented Slayers in years. I think there is an excellent chance that you will live so long that you will have to be replaced because your age becomes too advanced to further promote skillful slaying."

"That actually happens?" asked an awed Buffy.

"Yes it does. Usually by the early to mid-20's a Slayer will no longer be able to fight vampires as well as when she was a teenager. At this time, the next Slayer is called and the first Slayer can officially retire. She becomes free to lead her life as she pleases."

"Does she still have all the abilities from her slaying days?"

"No, they will be reduced to the level they were before she discovered she was a Slayer. It hasn't happened recently, but about 70 years ago, an 80-year-old Slayer named Ambika Bakhru, who had retired at the age of 23, was still in possession of many of her abilities of years before. She may have been alive for many more years to come, however she died when a car in which she was a passenger collided with a tree."

"So what you're saying is that I could be that woman, 80 years old, with a family of my own and still in fine shape?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."

Buffy sank back into the couch cushions, eyes shining. Giles began to worry that he had raised her hopes too high, but laid those worries to rest when he saw a new cloud pass across Buffy's features.

"God," she said, "I bet that even if I did make it to my early 20's, I'd just crack under the pressure of knowing how close I was to being a free woman."

"It happens," Giles responded. "There have been documented cases of a Slayer simply disappearing one day, never to be heard from again. Many are assumed dead, victims of vampires, but others are known to have willingly left their role."

"They just up and walked away?"

"Apparently so. In the 1810's, 20-year-old Gertrude von Kelsing eloped with her lover and never returned to her duties. In 1890, 21-year-old Zada Khalid escaped from her country and got on board a ship for England, where all record of her disappears. In the late 1970's, 20-year-old Kathryn Phelps ran away from the home she lived in with her parents and two younger sisters. Her family never spoke to her again."

"Whoa. I'd never do that."

"Buffy, it's one thing to say that, but a person never really knows how she will react in a given situation. I can't really say that I blame those women for their decisions. Many of them had been Slayers for years and I believe they had adequately fulfilled their duties. It is my opinion that if they ran away from their responsibilities, there was probably a very good reason for it, a reason which only they may have understood."

"So you wouldn't be mad if I just hopped on the next train out of here and skipped town?"

When Giles just glared, Buffy had to laugh. "Giles, I was just kidding. Sometimes you are *way* too serious."

When Giles just continued to glare, Buffy finally said "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Just a little Slayer humor, you know? It kind of makes knowing that I could die at any time a little easier to deal with, all right?"

Instantly, Giles appeared contrite. "Buffy, I know you would never do that, but sometimes the things which come out of your mouth...."

Once again, Buffy laughed, and this time Giles joined in. After a minute or two though, Buffy became serious once more. "Giles," she asked in a hushed tone, "do you ever regret becoming a Watcher?"

Giles wasn't sure how to handle this question. A lie might be better for Buffy to hear, but Giles didn't want to lie to the girl. After a quick internal debate, in which the answer was never really in question, Giles decided to tell her the truth.

"All the time," he responded. "Hardly a day goes by when I don't wonder about what else I could be doing with my life. Wondering if perhaps I would be married and have children if I didn't spend every waking moment in this library doing research and rarely seeing the light of day."

Only after Giles had stopped his brief tirade did he realize how that must have sounded to Buffy, as though he blamed her for the current state of his being. Yet when he dared a look at her face, he was surprised to find tears shimmering in her dark eyes. And when she spoke, her words amazed him even further.

"So you do understand," she whispered. "All this time, I thought you were perfectly happy living like this, and that you couldn't possibly know what I was going through. But it's not like that at all. You've had to sacrifice just as much as I have."

"Buffy, that's true, but it's not entirely accurate. Unlike you being destined to be a Slayer, I did have a choice as to whether or not I became a Watcher. If I had not accepted this position, someone else would have. There are many more Watchers in each generation than there are Slayers, and I'm sure that all of them would have been more enthusiastic about the position than I was."

"Then why are you here right now? Couldn't you just quit or something?"

"As a matter of fact, I can leave at any time I wish, and probably within hours there would be someone here to replace me. But I don't want to go anywhere. I did choose to follow in my father and grandmother's footsteps because I felt it was the right thing to do. And although I do often question that decision, I also realize that it is pointless to dwell on the what-ifs. Instead, I must accept the path I have chosen for myself and attempt to make the best of it."

Buffy just stared at him with wide eyes for a moment, looking very much like a lost little girl. Then suddenly she jumped up out of the chair and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a fierce hug. Just when Giles was sure his ribs would be crushed, she let go and gave him a dazzling smile. Giles felt his own lips twitch in response to her sunny enthusiasm.

"Thanks Giles," she said, hugging him once more, "I really needed to hear that."

And with that, Buffy grabbed her bag and waltzed out of the library, leaving a speechless Giles standing in her wake.


* * *
"Ugh, Xander, how can you be hungry again? You just ate lunch a couple of hours ago!"

It was after school that day and Buffy, Willow, and Xander were walking home. Buffy had the afternoon off from training and was looking forward to spending some time with her two best friends. However, Xander had suggested they make a slight detour from their intended destination so he could stop at a local fast food place. Willow, of course, was voicing her objections.

"Willow, dear Willow, I'm a growing boy and I need to eat. You wouldn't want me to starve to death now would you?"

"Fat chance of that ever happening," Willow muttered under her breath.

"I heard that. Now you had better be nice to me or else I won't share whatever I get with you."

"I don't care. I'm not even hungry. You, on the other hand, consume more than an elephant."

Yet even as she said this, Willow was opening the door of the local burger joint and holding it for the others. Buffy just smiled at their antics- she knew how loyal they were to each other.

The three friends went and stood in line. Xander was glancing up at the overhead menu and trying to decide what to order.

"Hmmmmm. I can't decide whether to get a triple burger with fries or two double burgers. They both look so good...."

"Xander!" Willow exclaimed. "You can't eat that much red meat. It'll give you a heart attack!"

"No it won't. I'll burn it off within minutes. After all, I do work out at least three times a-"

"Week?" Buffy piped in, suitably impressed.

"Well, I was going to say year, but now that you mention it, week sounds much better."

Buffy rolled her eyes at Willow.

At that point it was Xander's turn at the counter. Looking at his two companions mischievously, he turned to the clerk and said "I'll have two coronaries with a triple bypass on the side, please."

As Willow and Buffy burst out laughing, Xander gave his order again, much to the relief of the confused cashier. Buffy stepped up and ordered a Coke and Willow went to find them seats.

After they sat down and Xander started chowing down, he asked, with a mouth full of food, "Tho, what did you thdo at wunch doday?"

Buffy and Willow just stared at Xander as he continued to take huge bite after huge bite of his first burger. Finally, he looked up and caught the two girls watching him, and said, still with food in his mouth "What?!"

The two girls started giggling outrageously before Buffy said "Xander, that was majorly gross."

This time Xander actually swallowed before opening his mouth. "I said, `What did you do at lunch today'?"

"Oh," Buffy said. "Okay, I can answer that question. Well, Giles finally revealed the average Slayer life span."

"And it was...." Willow prompted.

"Not good," Buffy replied. "Natch, make that *extremely* not good. Apparently, I'm pretty much at the age where Slayer dusting becomes pretty common. But Giles did tell me that if I can make it to my 20's, then I can retire and another Slayer will take over!"

"Excuse me when I say `huh,' but isn't there only one Slayer in each generation, blah, blah, blah?" Xander queried.

"Yeah, Giles explained about that though. I guess that there can be more than one Slayer alive at once, it's just that her full range of abilities aren't used until she assumes her role. So, even as we speak, my replacement is out there somewhere, enjoying her happy little life and not even knowing what's in store for her. God, I'm getting depressed just thinking about what she'll have to go through."

"So where is she?" Willow asked. "I mean, will she have to move here or whatever when she becomes the Slayer? Oh, sorry Buffy, I didn't mean that you would, um, well, I was just kind of wondering if she'll have to leave her old life?"

"Giles said that Slayers appear wherever they're needed. So there is a possibility that she'll end up someplace else entirely and never even hear mention of our happy little corner of hell."

"Let me get this straight," Xander said. "You're telling us that in oh, say, five or so years, Sunnydale might actually be, well, sunny?"

"I didn't say that. We *are* still living over the Hellmouth, after all. I doubt that Sunnydale will ever qualify as one of the safest places to live. But, maybe the vampires will disappear and there'll just be everyday weird happenings, instead of, well, continual carnage."

"You really think so?" Willow breathed.

"Actually, no Will, I don't. We're still going to be living over the world's biggest center of mystical energy. Maybe there'll be a temporary lull in vampire activity, but I seriously doubt it'll last long. I have a feeling that Sunnydale will be home sweet home to more than one Slayer in the future."

"Gee, isn't that a happy thought," Xander said. "There'll be plenty of vampires for generations to come. Just think of the fun we can share with our children and grandchildren!"

Willow, noting the solemn faces of her friends and the lull in the conversation that Xander's comment had brought, decided that a change of subject was in order. Hastily, she asked, "So Buffy, any new insights into that dream?"

"I think, or at least this is what Giles made me think" Buffy began, "that the dream may be my subconscious' way of dealing with my lost childhood. Not just in the sense that I'm no longer young, but also in the way that I've lost my innocence. If you think about it, when you're a teenager, you're still not supposed to know about all the bad things that go on in the world. You're not supposed to have to look at dead bodies, or see your friends murdered. I guess you're never really supposed to have to deal with those things. But I have, and I'm only 16. So my mind has to find some way to cope, and apparently the dreams are it."

"Wow, that's deep," Xander said.

Willow and Buffy laughed. When they had quieted down once more, Willow asked "But Buffy, where does the part about Seattle come in?"

"Hmmmmm, you know, I never actually got around to telling Giles about that part. But thinking about it now, it really does tie in perfectly with my interpretation. Since I was so fixated on Seattle as a child, it makes sense that my subconscious would use it as a location for a dream about my lost youth. And the part about my trying to find shelter but not being able to, I think that just means that I'm trying to find protection from the dark threatening world I live in. Again, it makes sense that my subconscious would say that going back to my childhood was the only way to escape it."

"So basically what you're saying," Willow said slowly, "is that you're having this dream to help you come to terms with your lost childhood and your destiny as the Slayer?"

"Well, I hadn't really thought about it in exactly those terms, but now that you put it that way, it sounds right."

"I suppose it beats having a nervous breakdown and being put in a mental institution," Xander quipped.

Willow playfully swatted him on the arm before turning back to Buffy and asking "What happens now? Now that you know the purpose of the dream, does it just disappear?"

"Good question. I guess I'll find out tonight, huh?"

"Can I be there when you do?" Xander asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively and leering at Buffy.

This time, it was Buffy's turn to smack Xander's arm.


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