Roommates from (the) Hell(mouth): Roommates from (the) Hell(mouth)
by Tom MacCarrol
Disclaimer: Joss, Mutant Enemy, WB etc own all things Buffy. I don't, and am only having fun, no infringement is/was/will be intended. Please don't sic lawyers on me.
Author's Notes: `Living Conditions' showed us what Buffy and Willow had to put up with at college, this is a humorous (?) look from another direction



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INT UC SUNNYDALE STUDENT UNION (day)

Two "Normal" Ditzes sit at a table, exchanging roommate horror stories.

DITZ #1: Can you just believe the total psyco-loser I got saddled with? I mean, I come down the hall just as her mom is leaving. I'm trying hard not to pry but I mean the parental unit is in the middle of this big hug-and-cry good-bye scene, going 'And for God's sake; don't burn down anything at *this* school!'

DITZ #2: Oh migawd. . .

DITZ #1: Yeah, just what I needta hear, I'm like living with some kinda pyro. I distinctly marked down 'non-crazed' on the form....

DITZ #2: Me too. But mine is, like, completely toys-in-the-attic. She brings in this, this, *RAT*. And it's, like ewww, alive, in a cage. Get this, she talks to it- a lot. I swear; they had a *conversation* about how to decorate her side. There oughtta be a rule against living with rodents.

DITZ #1: Puhleez. Wanna talk about personal habits? I caught mine stuffing *garlic* in her bureau drawers. Not even cheap dimestore potporri, but-hello- great chunks of garlic.

Oh, and then there's this wooden stick she keeps next to the bed. I overheard her calling it Mr. Pointy-can you believe. You don't gotta be Fellini to figure that one out, but it's like, sharp. EWWWW, I just cringe at the thought...

DITZ #2: Well, thats just gonna get HER in trouble. I have to put up with some sort of drug-dealing religeous kook. She stashed enough little baggies of dried "herbs" to supply a rock festival; and there's a shrine of some kind on the edge of her desk with candles enough for a week-long blackout, a bunch of voo-doo kinda stuff, and a big-assed *knife*. I hope she drops out before we get busted.

Or maybe gets put away. I mean the girl's Jewish, but the first night; I saw her sticking up crucifixes with poster putty next to the door and both windows, jabbering to herself like a -crazy person - " ...consensus rescissus est" wierd jive that made no sense at all.

DITZ #1: Strange, mine did about the same thing... But I'd be happy if it was just *one* knife. I got a look in her closet while she was setting up the bathroom, and Joan of Arc had less swords, axes, and arrows. Sheesh. Strange chick.

DITZ #2; You wanna talk strange? She was finishing unpacking, and gets to this one box-out come *handcuffs*, leg shackles, and enough chains for Godzilla. The girl power-freaks, 'cause it's not supposed to be in *her* stuff, her boyfriend is gonna need it all for the weekend......

DITZ #1: Neg.

DITZ #2: Pos.

DITZ #1: Neg-ly. What next, a leather Dominatrix outfit, with high-heel boots?

Their chortling is drowned out by the NERF HERDER Theme

Opening credits roll.


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