If I should die before I wake - Novel version: I could ever sleep again
by Gaius Petronius
"If I Should Die Before I Wake"
by Gaius Petronius

DISCLAIMER:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on
the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox
and Mutant Enemy, Inc. I only borrow them, mess with their heads,
make them cry and, every once in a while, torture them. I do lay
claim to the character of Johannes Martel since he is the central
character in an original novel I've been working on now for too
many years.

Spoilers: BtVS season two. Originally written in script format
during the spring of 1998, "If I should die before I wake"
is the sequel to my first Buffy novel, "Carpe Diem."

Rating: PG for violence and language."

* * * * * * * *

"But in the grey of the morning,
My mind becomes confused
Between the dead and the sleeping
And the road that I must choose."

The Moody Blues, "Question," 1970

* * * * * * * *

"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take."

Anonymous child's prayer

* * * * * * * *

Chapter 6 - "I could ever sleep again . . ."

In the library, Giles sat at the central table. The once spacious
table top was stacked high with dusty old books, several with
covers now curled and bindings pulling apart with age. Usually
meticulous with his grooming, Giles obviously had not been home
the night before. His curly hair was greasy and disheveled, his
face scraggly with a day old beard and his eyes bloodshot from
lack of sleep or possibly a few hefty pulls from his secret single
malt stash in the librarian's office. The Watcher's attention
leaped from book to book, but in his exhausted state, the references
only seemed to confuse him more as he muttered oaths under his
breath.

Nearby, Willow sat pert straight at her terminal as she struggled
to transcribe the Latin in the first Martel notebook to her word
processor. It was slow, tedious work. Every few moments, as if
in answer to Giles' inaudible profanity, Willow uttered a loud
exclamation of "POOH!" and then deleted the offending
error as if it were a personal insult.

"Now I know what it must have been like before optical
scanners," she sighed as she turned a page in the large black
leather bound volume, "And I can't even read this stuff.
Giles, were all the ancient books done by hand?"

"Hmm?" Giles answered without looking up, "Oh,
yes. That's why so many of them have vanished, and others have
had their texts hopelessly corrupted."

"Wow. It's amazing we have as much stuff as we do,"
Willow said shaking her head.

Suddenly she sat back from her computer and listened carefully.
She instantly detected a change in the usual sounds of the day
to day student activity in the halls of Sunnydale High.

"Uh oh . . . Buffy's coming," she said apprehensively.

"How do you know that?" Giles asked as he looked
up from his books.

"I can hear chairs flying."

Suddenly the door to the library slammed open and Buffy stormed
in. Immediately spotting Giles, she marched over to his desk and
threw her book bag on the floor. Willow gasped at the display
of temper.

"What the hell did you tell Snyder!?" the Slayer
snarled.

"Buffy! Calm down!" Willow interjected as she tried
to be assertive the way Xander had been trying to teach her. The
training back fired miserably.

"Shut up, Willow!" Buffy snapped without even looking
over her shoulder. Willow gasped again and pouted.

"Giles! I get dragged into Snyder's office only to find
out that you've told him I'm acting crazy 'cause my cousin was
killed in a car wreck!"

"Well, aren't you?" Giles replied as he marshaled
his unflappable Watcher's tone.

"Oooh!" Buffy howled as she stamped the floor, flopped
into a chair and sulked.

"I had no choice," Giles announced firmly, "He
confronted me. You're failing half your subjects. You've been
disruptive in class when you're there, and he told me, frankly,
you're facing suspension."

Buffy glowered at the floor.

"I had to tell him something . . . ," Giles continued,
"Did he suspend you?"

"No. . . " Buffy pouted, "I must have blown
his mind 'cause he was nice to me."

"Snyder? Nice? Horrors!" Willow exclaimed in mock
shock, "It's a sign, Giles. The Hellmouth must be open again!"

Buffy glanced up at Willow who grinned at her. The smile was
infectious as Buffy realized she couldn't keep up the pouty face.
She smiled back at Willow who licked her thumb and marked the
side of her terminal as if she were keeping score.

"Slayerette, one. Sour puss, zero."

"You win, Will," Buffy sighed, giving in to her best
friend's warmth.

"Would you like to know what we've found?" Giles
asked, now taking advantage of the sudden thaw in his Slayer's
attitude.

"Depends," Buffy replied hesitantly, "Is it
good, bad or just ugly?"

"A little of all three, I guess," Giles said gently,
"I've finished translating Jonathan's first notebook, the
one we have. It's mainly all his ideas and theories. A little
dry by your standards, but there's important information that
will come in useful."

Buffy gazed at Giles at the mention of Jonathan Martel.

"I'd like to read it sometime . . . after all this is over,"
she replied wistfully.

"You should. I think it'll help with those 'good memories'
I mentioned last night."

Buffy nodded at her Watcher's reassuring words. At the same
time, Willow got up from her terminal and came over to sit with
Buffy.

"The bad news is," Giles continued, "The second
notebook, the one Drusilla has, is a catalog or index of spells
and specific formulas Jonathan knew. And, from what I can tell,
that book is under a spell itself."

Buffy and Willow listened intently to Giles' explanation.

"If it's destroyed, not only does the writing vanish,
the spells themselves become ineffective and, for all intents
and purposes, cease to exist as well. I don't know whether the
same power controls our notebook, but that's why I have Willow
transcribing it now."

Buffy's eyes widened as she understood the import of Giles'
information.

"So it's sort of like a fail safe or self destruct,"
Willow asked.

"Exactly," Giles said trying not to display any emotion,
"Jonathan knew how dangerous his knowledge was. He was prepared
to sacrifice everything to keep it from falling into the wrong
hands."

"So what're our options?" Buffy asked and Giles could
see the resignation that had settled in across her features.

"The simplest? Destroy the book of spells. But by doing
that . . ."

"We also destroy Jonathan . . ." Buffy completed
the explanation as she nodded her head and sighed.

"How about options a little more complicated but less
nasty?" Willow broke in, searching for something that would
give her friend some kind of hope to cling to.

"We can target whomever is trying to use the book, presumably
Drusilla since she's the one who seems to be behind all this."

"I've always wanted to nail that miserable whiner!"
Buffy growled as Willow sensed the fighting spirit of the old
Buffy surge to the surface once more.

"That shouldn't be so hard," Willow chimed in, hoping
to keep the Slayer's enthusiasm up.

"On the contrary," Giles contradicted, "If she's
succeeded in channeling Jonathan's knowledge, going up against
her will be like going up against Jonathan himself. Drusilla will
be wielding all the powers of a full blown telekinetic."

"Ouch," Willow winced and frowned at Giles. Leave
it to the methodical Watcher to come up with more problems, she
thought.

"I still can't believe there isn't anything left of Jonathan
that would try to stop her," Buffy said, shaking her head
with her chin in her hand. For a moment, Willow swore she looked
like Giles.

"That's an interesting angle," Giles mused as he
assumed the same posture as Buffy. It was only when he removed
his glasses and polished them nervously with his handkerchief
that the Slayer and Watcher didn't resemble a pair of large and
small matching statues.

"Jonathan posed that question himself. Listen to this
. . . " Giles fingered the pages of his translation and began
reading. "According to Nearchios of Babylon, when restoring
body, mind and soul, the division between the first two is clear
and absolute, but the boundary delineating the mind and the soul
is vague and ephemeral. Nearchios claims that in some way, fragments
of the soul, however insignificant, always exist in conjunction
with the mind or that portion of human existence that is the seat
of knowledge. I have never tested this hypothesis myself."

"Then, if Drusilla restored his mind, some of Jonathan's
soul could still be in there!" Willow exclaimed with excitement.

"Possibly, " Giles said, trying to restrain any undue
enthusiasm that could raise false hopes, "Unfortunately,
no texts of Nearchios survive. Most were destroyed when the Library
of Alexandria was burned by the Christians in the fourth century.
Jonathan probably had the last surviving manuscript, and that
must have perished at the hands of the Viennese mob when they
stormed his study."

Willow however was not to be suppressed.

"Giles! Buffy! That's it!" she almost shouted, "Remember
what Jonathan said. 'All my spells drop when there is great need.'
If any of his soul is there, he'll answer our call for help!"

"And how do we do that?" Buffy asked as she felt
herself drawn in to her friend's optimism despite her own misgivings.

Giles as well was now seriously interested in the possibilities.

"How did you call him back the first time?" he asked
as he studied Willow for what he hoped would be the key to their
dilemma.

For a moment, Willow was silent. She felt the stares of the
Slayer and Watcher boring through her, searching desperately for
the answer. Buffy's look especially betrayed a sense of pleading
desperation. In a panic, Willow glanced back and forth at the
two. She suddenly realized she had nothing and "choked."

"I . . . I don't remember," she stammered, "There
were vampires all over the place. I just yelled."

Giles sighed with discouragement. He felt the brief moment
of euphoria slipping quickly away as the reality of their situation
settled back in.

"Not much to go on," he said, scratching his head,
"And we don't even know if any of his soul still survives."

"I did it before, Giles!" Willow protested, also
sensing the despair returning.

"It's too dangerous, Will," Buffy shook her head,
nevertheless appreciative for what her friend was trying to do,
"For all we know, Drusilla could be throwing lightning bolts
at us by the time we get there."

"Buffy's right, Willow," Giles concurred in resignation,
"The situation would be entirely unpredictable."

But the First Slayerette wouldn't give up. It was now or never.
Time to bring on "Willow Tough."

"But it would be perfect!" she tried to explain,
"You guys would distract Drusilla, Angel and Spike. They'd
all be paying attention to you. Nobody ever pays any attention
to me. Then I could sneak up to Jonathan and . . ."

Willow stopped, puzzled by what she would do next.

"And?" Buffy asked gently.

"Uh . . . I'd yell for help again?"

Buffy and Giles stared at Willow. She could see their expressions
saying "No way!"

"I guess I gotta come up with something better than 'Help!'
huh," she said sadly as she looked down ashamed.

Buffy only nodded.

"Oh, pooh!" Willow spat out as she stood up from
the chair beside Buffy and stalked back over to her terminal,
muttering as she went.

"I could do it! . . . I know I could . . . " she
chattered to herself under her breath. At the same time she mimicked
Buffy's flippant tone.

"But it's too dangerous, Willow!" She then puffed
herself up in a pompous imitation of the Watcher, "No, Willow,
what a preposterous idea, you helping out!"

Willow then plopped herself in front of her terminal all the
while imitating Giles.

"Now type your Latin, Willow," she snapped with a
breathy snooty voice, tossing her hair at the same time, "Look
this up on the net for me, Willow. Research this one for me, Willow.
. . . Pooh!"

Willow stared down at the Martel notebook that she had been
transcribing. She knew he was there, somewhere. She gently stroked
the open page with her hand.

"I'm gonna help, you. I know I can," Willow whispered
to the ancient volume, "I just don't know how yet."

Buffy stared at her best friend for a moment and then hung
her head. She wanted to apologize for how roughly she and Giles
had treated Willow. Buffy understood the feeling of being taken
for granted. She wanted to soothe Willow's hurt feelings but was
unsure what to say. With a sigh, she turned to Giles.

"So what else do we know?"

"They must have learned how to raise Jonathan by now.
Or are very close," Giles said, again running his fingers
through his dirty hair.

"Uhh, I don't know," Buffy replied, shaking her head,
"It's been awfully quiet lately. I think Drusilla hasn't
quite figured out how to handle the wizard trip yet."

"Possibly," her Watcher concurred, "But we must
assume the worst. Whatever demons we've had to face in the past,
their main objective has always been the full opening of the Hellmouth."

"That I buy," Buffy nodded.

"And one of the Hellmouth focal points is in the Master's
Chamber, under the old crypt in the west quadrangle."

The mention of the Master sent shivers up and down Buffy's
spine as if a cold breeze from the Hellmouth itself had swept
through the library.

"God. . . That place," she murmured, "Why does
it always seem to come back to there?"

"Well it is the center of the paranormal activity in Sunnydale
and . . ." Giles rambled in his clueless fashion.

"Giles, just shut up," Buffy interrupted as she felt
her hands trembling.

"What did I say?" Giles asked surprised, at the same
time glancing back and forth between Willow and the Slayer for
an answer. Willow, who had been eavesdropping, piped up from her
terminal.

"Giles! Master, Buffy! Dead! Duuuuh!"

"Oh, right. Sorry," Giles replied, trying to smooth
over the blunder, "Anyway, at least Drusilla seems to be
the least accomplished of the three. We have that going in our
favor."

"I don't know Giles," Willow frowned, "She may
be loopy but she's also pretty scary. Was she always that way?"

"We're not sure. Several accounts say her harvesting was
a long and terrible ordeal spread out over weeks as Angelus fed
on her repeatedly. The records disagree as to whether she was
mad before or went insane during the harvesting."

"And this is supposed to make me sympathetic, Giles?"
Buffy asked incredulous.

"We can't show sympathy for what these creatures are today,"
Giles mused, putting into words thoughts he had wrestled with
since his early days as a Watcher, "But their tragedy is
in what they were and the agony of their falling. Their destruction
serves as a warning to us and deserves our awe and respect."

"Giles, I just stake 'em. I don't cry over 'em,"
Buffy replied coldly.

"What about Angel?" Willow said and her question
was like a blow directly to Buffy's heart. For a moment, the Slayer
was silent as she searched for the strength to say what she had
to say.

". . . I'll have to stake him someday, too . . ."
Buffy said quietly.

"Buffy, 'There but for the grace of God . . .'" Giles
lectured.

That was it. Maybe it was Giles' patronizing tone, maybe Willow's
always being right, but Buffy couldn't take the incessant talk
from either of them. The last three weeks had been hard enough,
waking up in the middle of the night, feeling Jonathan's strong
arms wrapped around her, their bodies pressed against each other
and then suddenly seeing his face in the seconds before he turned
to dust.

She couldn't make it go away and she feared it never would.

"I know Giles, I know!" Buffy lashed out at both
her Watcher and Willow, "But God didn't have anything to
do with Angel losing his soul! Or Jonathan dying!"

That's all Willow could take as well. She had to halt her friend's
downward slide into despair.

"Buffy, you've got to stop beating up yourself for everything,"
Willow argued back, "Xander's right. This guilt thing is
gonna eat you alive!"

"Maybe, Will," Buffy answered firmly, "But I'm
not screwing this one up."

Buffy paused as she considered her words carefully. They came
naturally this time, just as she knew what she had to do.

"I have to set Jonathan free," the Slayer said, struggling
to contain the emotions she felt welling up inside her chest,
"That's what he asked me to do in the cemetery. Whatever
it takes, Giles. If I have to, I will destroy Jonathan's notebook
and him with it. But I will not let Drusilla control him like
that!"

There was a long pause. Willow stood up, walked over and sat
back down in the chair beside Buffy. Not knowing how to respond
or ease Buffy's pain, Giles stared at the floor.

"And it's not because of opening the Hellmouth or saving
the world. . . ." Buffy continued quietly, her eyes beginning
to glisten, "I don't give a damn about that stuff anymore.
. . "

She then looked up sadly at her Watcher, her face begging him
for answers she knew at the same time he didn't have.

"Giles," Buffy said, her soft voice trembling, "I
don't think I could ever sleep again . . . knowing his spirit
was . . . wandering . . . like I saw it . . . and I had failed
him . . ."

"Buffy . . ." Willow said as soothingly as possible.

Buffy didn't hear her.

". . . my Couz, . . . " the Slayer whimpered softly
as she put her face in her hands, "My poor, Couz . . ."

Giles and Willow remained silent. Buffy's sobs echoed faintly
in the Library.

* * * * *

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