Afraid to Lose: Afraid to Lose
by BuffAngel
Authors Note: I got the idea for this story, thanks to one of the many strange Buffy dreams that I have. This happened to be one of the ones that really got to me, emotionally speaking. When I first woke up, it was about 4 in the morning and I had to be at work by 5. So I get into my car and turn on the radio and I heard these two lines: “I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose... I’m clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose...” This Sarah McLachlan’s song, ‘I will remember you’, wasplaying and all of the sudden, everything in the dream came back to me and I knew that I had to write it. Don’t ask! I just havestrange dreams okay!! *L* Just let me know what you think!
Summary: Basically, this story revolves around Cordelia and the fact that her parents were killed by vamps. It’s about how she deals with her emotions. I guess you could say I just made up this whole reason behind why she always has this “holier than thou” attitude towards anyone who isn’t her!
Disclaimer: I own nothing..blah blah blah..why repeat something that everyone knows.....OH..and the song that I WILLbe using later on in the story is Sarah McLachlan's song, "i will remember you"
Feedback: I live for it...what can I say? Everyone likes to be told that their stuff is good....so, if you like my stories, lemme know!
~~Oh, by the way.....Jess...since you’re always puttin me in your dedications. I’d like to take up a few lines, here, to say ThankYou....thank you for being such a good friend, and a great little sister (‘cause you know I love ya like one!!) You’ve been so cool and so supportive of my writing. As I try to be for you, ‘cause, girl...you KNOW you k i c k a s s!! A wise person once saidthat: “All great minds think alike...” We were just lucky enough to get to talk to each other. Keep up the great things that youhave going for you. And like I told you that one night...if you ever get ahold of something that you know you need to keep, hold onto it and never let it go, girl! *HUGS*
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“Hey, Xand!” Buffy said, catching up with her friend in the hall. “So how’s she holding up?”
“You probably know just about as much as I do. She won’t even look at me, let alone, talk to me.” Xander said, shrugging his shoulders. “I’ve tried to talk to her and all she does is say something cruel, likeusual, to embarrass me in front of all her ‘friends’ and then goes the other direction.”
“She’s not doing it to be mean this time, Xander,” the Slayer said, patting him on the arm. “Cordyjust lost both of her parents and well....she’s never really been one to just get all emotional around otherpeople. I mean, if it was me, and I just lost my mom.....I’d probably break down in front of everyone. She’sdifferent.”
“I know, I know,” he said, understanding where the girl was coming from. “I just can’t imaginehow she can’t act like it doesn’t bother her. Like she doesn’t even care that they’re gone. If we didn’tknow about it and hadn’t gone to the funeral, you’d never know anything had changed.”
“Maybe she doesn’t care!” Buffy said, suggesting the impossible.
“I don’t accept that, Buffy,” Xander stated. “I just have this feeling that there’s is something moreto her. Something deeper. I mean, I know that I shouldn’t care, because of how she’s always treated me infront of people. I know that I’ve never been serious about anything in my life, with the exception of onething.”
“Her...” Buffy guessed, stopping to look at her friend. “You really care about her don’t you,Xander.”
“Does it show that much?”
“Oh yeah!” Buffy said, laughing, then getting serious again. “Maybe you should just wait until youcatch her alone. Corner her and make her talk...if there’s anything to talk about.”
“Yeah....maybe you’re right.” Xander said, nodding his head thoughtfully. “...maybe you’re right.”
“Well, this is my stop, I guess,” Buffy said, stopping in front of her American History class. “I’m ahalf hour late, but hey, I’m usually sleeping in there by now, anyway!”
“See ya after school then, Buff.” Xander said, hugging the blonde Slayer.
“Oh look! How sweet! It’s the Slayer....and her puppy!”
The voice was unmistakable. Xander turned to see Cordelia Chase standing not ten feet away fromhim. He wanted to say something to her. That ‘something’ would have usually consisted of snide commentsand biting remarks, just to see her flinch. This time was different because he wanted to say something thatwouldn’t hurt her feelings. That wouldn’t run off. It was at that moment, that Xander decided, that nomatter what she said or what she did.....it wouldn’t and didn’t get to him.
“Cordelia.....” Buffy said, sounding uncomfortable. “How’ve you been?”
“Why do you even bother?” She asked, in disbelief. “It’s not like I care how any of YOU havebeen....”
“Obviously you do Cordy...” Xander started.
“Don’t call me that!” Cordelia snapped at him.
“I’ve always called you that.”
“Only the people I care about, can call me that,” Cordy said, her voice shaking and nervous. “and,well, I’m told I’ll never see them again, so....”
“Why do YOU even bother Cordy?” Xander asked quietly, not shying away from her nickname. The girl only stood there, not knowing any answer for his question. “I mean, you saw me and Buffystanding here in the hall by ourselves. Obviously, nothing was going to force you to acknowledge us, yet,everytime, without fail....you go out of your way to stop and say something smart.” He pointed out, thenonce again, turning her own question around to her. “Why do you even bother?”
“Xander....” Buffy said, trying to intervene. She had stood there the whole time, trying to keepfrom stopping him. She knew that everything he was saying was true, and she knew that Cordy knew it too.
Cordelia turned, walking in the opposite direction of the other two teenagers. Xander only staredafter her, even though he really wanted to stop her. The silence was starting to get really uncomfortableuntil she turned to say something before she went back into her class.
“You know what the funny thing about this is?”
When neither of them answered, she finally did.
“They told me it was a bar-b-q fork........” She finished, shaking her head. “Imagine that...”
Then she was gone, leaving her former friends in the hall, thinking about what she had just toldthem. Neither of them knew what to think.
“I didn’t know,” Xander said, quietly speaking up. “I didn’t know they told her that.”
“It has to be hard for her Xander. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want it.”
“I should have been there for her.” He stated, shaking his head.
“You couldn’t have been Xander! She didn’t tell ANYone. None of us knew!” Buffy said, hervoice raising a little. “Giles read about it in the paper, for Christ’s sake! You did all you could do when youshowed up at the funeral.”
“I know,” Xander agreed with a nod. “I guess it’s just one of those sitches where you’re alwaysgonna wish that there was more that you could do, ya know.
“That’s pretty much it.” The blonde Slayer said, placing a hand on her friends arm. “Look....howabout going to The Bronze tonight. Afterall, I did just get my license yesterday!”
“As long as you promise that we’re not gonna die on the way there,” he said jokingly. “Cuz youknow, that would suck to die from something so minor, when we’ve all lived through two and a half years ofdemons and the Hellmouth!”
“That’s for sure!” Buffy said, rolling her eyes. “So I’ll pick you up at nine, after patrol and we’llmeet Will, there, since she’ll already be there at seven to watch Oz and the Dingoes.”
“Okay, sounds good.” Xander said with a smile. Then almost as an afterthought, he added, “Whatabout Deadboy?”
“What about Angel?” Buffy corrected.
“He’s coming, too, huh!”
“Yes Xander....” the girl laughed as she reached for the doorknob to her classroom.
“That was pretty much a gimme!” Xander told her, as he turned to leave.
“See ya at nine Xand....”
* * *
Hopping into the back seat of Buffy’s moms Cherokee, Xander found that he could only stare at hisfriend in disbelief.
“What?” Buffy asked innocently, as she looked at Xander from the front seat.
“I don’t know, Buff! You may have to take your moms car to the shop tomorrow.” Xanderstarted, sarcastically. “I think you broke the steering wheel when you were laying on it!”
“WHAT?” She asked, now confused. This caused Angel to laugh.
“I think he’s talking about the horn Buffy.” Angel said, pointing to the steering wheel.
“YES! Thank you....!” Xander said, gesturing to Angel with both hands. “Finally...someone elsewho understands that blowing the horn for two minutes straight, officially constitutes as a problem, here!”
“Bite me, Xander!” Buffy stated as she peeled away from the curb in front of her friends house.
“I’m not Deadbo.........shutting up now!” Xander decided, nodding his head. “Yeah! Witness me,shutting up.....I’m quiet boy......really I am!”
“That could only be a miracle...” Angel muttered, only loud enough for his girlfriend to hear.
Outside The Bronze, there wasn’t much parking. The fact that it’s entrance was, more or less, inan alley, didn’t help matters any. Buffy had been driving in circles for what seemed like forever, in search ofa decent spot.
“Buffy...” Xander said excitedly, smacking the girl on the arm. “Look, there’s Cordy!”
“Yeah, Xand...I have eyes too, ya know!” the Slayer said with a nod.
“I think she’s leaving Buffy,” Angel said, interrupting before they could argue again. “Isn’t thather car right there?”
“Yeah, I guess we’ll wait on her to leave then.” Buffy said, putting the car in park, to wait.
“What’s she doing here by herself?” Xander questioned himself. Then to Buffy, he said, “Cordynever comes to The Bronze alone. That’s so not like her Buff....”
“She hasn’t been doing anything ‘like her’ for the past week Xander!”
I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memories
Stopping at the back of her car, Cordelia turned with a look of sadness and regret crossing hereyes, to look directly at the people she once called her friends. They watched in silence as the girl finally gotinto the car. She sat there for a moment, causing the group to wonder just how long she was going to take. They had seen her look right at them, before she’d gotten into the car, and figured that she was taking hertime on purpose.
“Well that’s a miracle,” Buffy said sarcastically as the girl started to back out slowly.
“No kidding,” Xander spoke up, causing Angel and Buffy, both, to look at him. “What?”
“Never mind Xa........”
Buffy’s words were abruptly cut short when another car slammed, head on, into the front of hermothers car. Luckily, they had all been wearing their seatbelts.
“What the hell?” Angel yelled, getting out of the car. Buffy and Xander were both out of the caras quickly as he was.
“CORDY!” Buffy yelled, approaching the back of the other girls car. “What the hell is wrong withyou?”
I'm so tired, but I can't sleepStanding on the edge of something much too deepFunny how we feel so much, but we cannot say a wordWe are screaming inside, oh, but we can't be heard
“What the hell is wrong with me?” Cordy exclaimed. “What the hell is wrong with ME??”
“You trashed my moms car, Cordy....”
“Oh SO what!”
“Cordy!?” Buffy exclaimed in disbelief.
“It’s all your fault....” Cordelia screamed, pointing at the blonde Slayer. Almost as anafterthought, she turned to Angel. “And yours...”
Instead of retaliating, Angel only looked at Buffy, both of them realizing that she was blaming themfor what happened to her parents. Taking a step closer, Buffy held her arm out as if to tell Xander andAngel to back off. Cordelia, who was in tears, started to yell at them again.
“Stay away from me! Get away!!”
“Cordy, I’m sorry about your parents,” Buffy took a couple more steps, closing the distance. “It’snot my fault and it’s not Angels. We’re here to help, Cordy. That’s what friends are....”
I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memories
“You’re NOT my friends!” This time, Cordy was the one who stepped closer. “If YOU had nevercome here, NONE of this would have ever happened!!”
“Cordelia,” Buffy said, placing her hands on the other girls arms. “Let us....”
“Get OFF of me!!” Cordelia yelled, flailing her arms.
For some reason, Cordelia finally lost control, attacking the Slayer. Knowing that she was strongerthan the other girl, Buffy wrestled with her, finally getting ahold of the girls wrists. Cordy only continued tofight her, causing them to end up on the ground with Buffy on top of her, pleading with her to stop fightingand calm down. She stopped, finally giving in the pent up grief and sorrow that she had been holding insince she’d found out that her parents were gone.
“Angel...Xander....” The Slayer said, looking at the two guys for help.
Xander, who for once, was faster than Angel, ran over to his friend and former girlfriend, who wereboth on the ground. Buffy was quick to move, allowing Xander to pull the other girl into his arms. Notknowing what to do, she backed off, moving to stand by Angel/
I'm so afraid to love you; (I'm) more afraid to loseClinging to a past that doesn't let me chooseOnce there was a darkness; A deep and endless nightYou gave me everything you had, oh, you gave me light
“Xander...” Cordelia whispered, choking on a sob.
“Shhh..it’s okay,”
“No..it’s....I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through.” She told him, bury her face in theboy’s chest. “I love you so much.....I just.....I was so scared that I would lose you....that you would gettired of me.”
“Cordy, I...” Xander started.
“I never wanted to treat you like that.....I swear.....you never deserved that from me....” shewhispered, for the simple fact that she couldn’t talk any louder. The events of the past week had finallycaught up with her. “They’re gone Xander....I’ll never see them again....”
“Shhh....I know....” Xander comforted, wrapping his arms around her even tighter, pulling the girlcloser to him. “I’m so sorry Cordy....so sorry......they’ll always be there, though...even though you can’t seethem, ya know.”
I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memories
“It’s only been a week, Xander....a week, and already, it’s getting harder and harder to picture them in my head. I don’t want to forget them.”
Deciding that the two would be fine on their own, Buffy and Angel got back in the car, to go find a place topark, so it would be out of the way.
“We’re gonna go find a spot Xander, and we’ll see you later....” Buffy told him.
Xander only nodded his head in acknowledgment.
“You won’t forget them, Cordy....” he whispered into her hair.
I will remember youWill you remember meDon't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memories
“It’s just so hard....” Cordy said, again choking on her sobs.
“You’re gonna make it. Okay?” Xander assured her. “Don’t cry......”
Weep not for the memories
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