To Touch the Face of the Stars: To Touch the Face of the Stars
by Brianna Devlin
DISCLAIMER: All BtVS characters were created by Joss Whedon, and all rights belong to the WB, Mutant Enemy and many other powerful people. I just borrowed Angel & Buffy to write my version of his leaving. No copyright infractions were intended. The following lyrics are from "Dante's Prayer," by Loreena McKennitt. Lyrics noted with the following symbol -- //. I personally transcribed all quotes from prior episodes from my own copies of the epys.



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// When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone. //

Angel had asked Buffy to meet him in the park at sunset. Another cryptic message sent to her surprisingly enough via Whistler this time. And that bugged her, actually it wigged her more than she wanted to admit to herself. Whistler only meant trouble. Angelus trouble in her book, although he had tried to help her during the entire Acathla nightmare. He'd warned her in his own cryptic way. Buffy thought, And then she smiled, because as much as the whole cryptic-guy routine bugged her sometimes, it was part of what made Angel, well, Angel.

Impatiently waiting the next round of bad news, Buffy sat down in a swing, mechanically pushing herself into full swing-mode. She tilted her head back and gazed at the stars that were beginning to brighten the sky as darkness fell. She continued her lazy sways on the swing, growing more anxious to see him with each passing moment. The past few weeks had been rough for them, both emotionally and physically, especially with that entire mind-reading nightmare. He'd been her savior more times than she could count, and she felt safe knowing he would always be there for her.

// I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars.


Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
please remember me. //

"Hey," came a voice behind her.

She smiled at the sound of his voice. Looking up at him somewhat upside down from her spot on the swing, she felt a warmth spread throughout her body. "Hi. Wanna join me?"


Angel gave her a quick grin then rounded the set of swings, seating himself on the swing next to her. When she realized he wasn't joining in on her swing-fun, she slowed down and stilled herself next to him. When she looked up he was gazing up at the stars, almost as if he were searching them for something.

"Angel?"

"They're very deceptive, you know."

"What?"

"The stars," he replied, his gaze still set on the darkened sky.

Buffy looked at him and realized something wasn't wrong as in 'cryptic bad news for the Slayer stuff' wrong. The look on his face, no the weight of emotion on his face, told her that this was something more -- something she was certain she really would rather not know.

When she didn't reply, he continued. "They can lead a man to a new world, or to his death. It's amazing how many people have lost their lives thinking the stars were leading them in the right direction. But what they didn't realize was that it wasn't the stars, really, it was their own err. They were misguided because they read the stars the wrong way."

She'd had enough of the philosophy lesson. "Angel, what's going on?"

He finally turned to look at her, a deep gaze that went straight to her soul. He couldn't do it. But he had to. Not only was it the right timing… he thought.

"I'm leaving."

"Leaving? As in going away to meet a contact for more cryptic news to bring to the Slayer leaving, right?" she asked hopefully. she attempted to convince herself. But for some reason, it wasn't working.

"No, Buffy. Leaving," he turned away, unable to look at her any longer, his resolve quickly waning. He had to get it all out, tell her what he needed to now or he never would. He'd committed himself to being honest with her before he left -- it was only fair. He'd considered writing her a letter explaining everything. He had even thought about calling her once he arrived in L.A., but even he knew that was a coward's way out. He wouldn't have his last encounter with Buffy leave her with that impression. They had been through far too much for him to hurt her like that, not that this was going to be any easier. "I'm not coming back."

She literally felt her heart sink, no, rend. She struggled to say something in reply, but each time she'd try to, her voice wouldn't cooperate. It was as if her entire body was willing this not to be happening, so if she didn't accept it, it would all be a dream. Like the dreams where you could hear everyone around you talking, but not your voice, even though you knew you were responding. That's what this was -- a dream, and sooner or later her alarm clock was going to start blasting out some really stupid 80's song, like 'Turning Japanese' or 'Video Killed the Radio Star', or something else, anything but Angel's voice saying he was leaving.

"Never?"

"Never's an awful long time, Buffy. Even for me."

"I see," she said, turning away so he wouldn't see the tears she was battling. So this was it. Turn-about's fair play, wasn't that the phrase? How many times had she told him the same thing. I'm not coming back, or I need time to think. So now it was his turn to hurt her, because that's what he was doing. And now she knew how he must have felt all those times she'd walked away from him, ending their relationship again. And again, and again….

"No, I don't think you do."

"Then why don't you tell me," she spat at him, her voice hardened with anger. She forced herself out of the swing, away from him, unable to stand their closeness any longer.

// Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire. //

"Buffy, you know how hard this is for me, how much it's killing me to say this--"

"Is it really, Angel? Because from where I'm standing, you seem to have it down pretty well."

He knew she was hurting, but her indifference was beginning to anger him. "I need you to listen to me, Buffy," he said sternly. "Just hear me out. Please. I need this from you," he stood, taking a few steps closer to her, only to watch her back away from him.

"What about what I need? Or is that not important anymore?" she questioned him, her words coming in sobs.

// Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me. //

"This is about what you need. And what I need. What we need, Buffy. Honey, it's the only way." He'd said that to her once before, an attempt to convince her to let him face the spawn of the Hellmouth alone when it rose a few months ago. It hadn't worked then, but he prayed she would listen to him now.

"I know she spoke to you," Buffy said quietly, then wiped a few tears from her cheeks.

"Your mother."

"I followed her to the mansion. You never knew I was there, listening to her tell you to do this."

"That's not why I'm doing this, Buffy."

They fell again, the tears, soaking her already chapped face. "I know."

"Do you? I mean do you really know why, Buffy? Do you know what it's like for me to live every day watching you, wanting you, needing you to the point that it's all I can think about? There are days that go by when I don't even think about the horrors I've committed because I'm in so much pain over us. Over you," he admitted, then took her hands in his, looking down at them.

"Buffy, when I came to Sunnydale to help you, I was nothing. Just some brooding demon who was desperately trying to find out why I was even allowed to remain on earth. I've already told you that I've loved you from the moment I saw you, but it wasn't until I came here, until I realized how much I would be lost without you that I knew what true love really was. When you gave yourself to me, and I don't just mean physically, I mean when you gave me your heart, your soul, that was when I felt complete, Buffy. Not just when we slept together. That was perfect in it's own, special way, and I will treasure that gift forever.

"When I returned, and God only knows why that happened, you were there, again, ready to do whatever you had to do to protect me. Even when you didn't know what I was at that point, still you watched over me. You healed me, entirely, completely."

// Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars. //

Buffy could not stop the stream of tears that fell of their own accord no more than she was going to be able to stop him from leaving. It was painfully obvious he had made up his mind. He was leaving her, and he was taking her heart with him. She didn't need it any longer, not without him. He was her heart, and if he was gone, then what was she? Alone. Empty. Nothing.

Even Angelus had known, he'd laid it out for her when he cornered her during their last fight at the mansion. "… that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends... No hope," Angelus had taunted her. "Take all that away... and what's left?"

Somehow she had found the resolve to fight Angelus at that point. But this was different. This was Angel, not Angelus, and she couldn't fight him any longer. She was tired of fighting him in their battle to control their emotions, their desire for one another.

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares.

"This is the last thing I ever thought I would do, Buffy, but I have to. For both of us. Your mother was right about one thing. We're blind when it comes to each other. We don't see anything else, and right now what you need is to see more than just me. You have to. You've got your entire future ahead of you -- college, a career -- these are the things you have to focus on. Not me. Not us. We both know we can't be together physically, it's too risky, and as much as we say we can deal with that, you know as well as I do how unimaginably hard that is to do on a daily basis.

"Being here this close to you, it's too tempting. God, you have no idea how many nights I've been in your room, watching you sleep, praying for a miracle that would let us be together. Buffy, you are my miracle. Without you, I would be nothing, we've both seen that. But I can't stay either. There are things that I need to do, good things that I can't and won't do here."

"But you do help, Angel. You do good things now. I don't understand why you have to go somewhere else to do them."

"There are needs in places other than Sunnydale, Buffy, and if I can help, I need to be there."

"I need you to be here for me."

"No you don't. Not anymore. You're strong, Buffy, you don't need me to live. You have an inner strength like no one I've ever known, or will know. You proved that when you stopped Acathla last year."

"I sent you to hell, Angel."

"Yes, you did. Because you had to, because it was the right thing to do. Just like giving you up is the right thing for me to do now."

Buffy wanted to feel his arms around her, to lose herself in his strong, protective embrace. She wanted to feel something, anything but the gut-wrenching pain that overwhelmed her now.

"Um, will, you'll, still…I mean…" she stopped when she felt his arms envelope her small frame, pulling her tight against him.

"Oh, God, Buffy," Angel cried as her sobs turned into shudders. "We knew all along this had to happen, but I swear to you I'll never stop loving you. Never."

She looked up at him, her eyes swollen and red, her face tear-stained and puffy. "Never? You said, you said never was an awful long time, even for you, Angel."

"Yes," he smiled through his tears, then kissed the top of her blond head. "I know I did, and I meant it. Never. You're the only one, Buffy. Always."

"I love you."

He pulled her more tightly to him, holding on to the moment for as long as he could. "And I love you," he said, then placed his hands on either side of her face. "Kiss me."

Their lips met, lingering with a combination of lust, loss, and love. When he pulled away, he kissed her forehead, then whispered, "When the night is at its darkest, Buffy, remember us. Remember me." As soon as the words were spoken, he turned and walked away from her for the last time.

She stood in the park, trembling with loss as she watched him fade into the darkness. Buffy looked up at the stars, wondering which star Angel was following to lead him to his new world.

// Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me,
Please remember me,
Please remember me…………………//


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