From The Desk Of Angel: From The Desk Of Angel
by Cari7
From The Desk of Angel – By Cari Kinz
Sunrise
(This takes place after the events of ANGEL Season 4 Finale "Home")
"Waiting for the sunrise." If anyone asked me, that's what I'd tell them. Not
that anyone did of course. I'm alone in my office now.
My office. Not the one in the Hyperion that's dim and warm, and smells like old
books and dust. That's behind me now. You'd think that after all this time, all
these years, I'd be use to change. That it wouldn't bother me to pick up and
move and never look back. But it does this time.
Not that the old hotel has a whole lot of great memories for me. I wonder how
the realtor will explain the giant pentagram that's still visible on the lobby
floor? Oh well, not really my problem. I do have problems, but that one isn't
mine anymore.
Dawn is coming. I can feel it just below the horizon though the sky is no less
dark than it was. And I sit and wait for it, in my office with the curtains
thrown back, completely exposed to it. Of course, I'm not worried because my
office is now inside Wolfram and Hart- the belly of the beast. Fitting somehow
that the light can't touch me here.
"The beast's belly...doesn't that usually mean you've been eaten?" Yep, I was
going to march in here and tell them they could kiss my vampire ass. That they
didn't have anything I needed or wanted. But it wasn't me that needed what they
had, it was Connor. And how could I not give him what he needed? And now he's
gone and I get the fabulous resources of Wolfram and Hart. It only cost me
everything. No, scratch that. I lost my son- again- and I've lost the comfort of
anyone even remembering that he existed. But when I think about Wesley, Fred,
Cordy, Gunn and Lorne I realize that I have so much more to lose in this deal.
It's only a matter of time before the bill comes due. What will I do when it
does? I've been alive for too long not to know when I'm being given enough rope
to hang myself. Wolfram and Hart couldn't destroy me, so they are going to let
me destroy me. I get that. I knew it then but I made the decision anyway.
Because there was no other way.
So I wait for the sunrise, and through the necro-tempered glass I'll watch it in
all it's glory. I've paid for that much at least.
The First Day
(This takes place right after the dual season premier of season premier
"Convictions" and "Just Rewards")
"I'm from Wolfram and Hart." Every time I say it, it sounds bad. I hear it, it's
my voice... and it's just Wrong. Capital "W".
But it's all "Wrong"- everything about Wolfram and Hart... Everything with my
team.... Spike.... SPIKE! God, he's the most wrong of all the wrong things. No,
actually THAT'S wrong.
I'm the most wrong of them all .
They all think I'm being broody. That this deal we've struck with Wolfram and
Hart is stuck in my craw. That I'm angry because I can't help Cordy. And now
Spike shows up and I'll have to deal with him somehow. Well yeah, ALL that...
and then there is what they don't know. And hell, I don't even know what it is
they think they know. I can't exactly walk up to one of them and say "Oh by the
way, how do you remember your life this past year?" I can't talk to any of them
about Connor or even how Cordy really ended up comatose. My friends believe in a
lie and I'm the one who gave them that lie.... so yeah, I've got stress.
We were all surprised and leery of Gunn when he told us what he let Wolfram and
Hart do to him. But inside I know I'm a hypocrite. We both made deals with the
Devil- but at least he's up front about his. His decision may ultimately effect
us all, but he only changed himself. I took it upon myself to change all their
lives without their knowledge. I know how I would react if I found out someone
had done that to me, so I pray they never find out what I did to them. I wouldn't
expect them to understand or forgive me and I wouldn't ask.... because in the
same circumstances I'd do it again.
So, tomorrow, when I have to say "I'm from Wolfram and Hart." it will still
sound wrong but it will be necessary. And I will help the hopeless with the
resources I have. I will protect the innocent from the most evil of our evil
clients and I will try to keep my poor deceived friends safe. I don't know if
The Powers That Be are still guiding me, but I still have a mission- a path. So
I'll keep on it until I get to wherever it leads. Hopefully it's not a dead-end.
Ok, so maybe I'm a little broody.
Spike
(This takes place right after the dual season premier of season premier
"Convictions" and "Just Rewards")
Guilt. If you let it, guilt can rise up and swallow you whole. Make you weak and
helpless and keep you from doing what you need to do.
Yep, it sucks all right.
When I first got my soul back, all I'd done as Angelus came to me with crystal
clarity and I was horrified. Horrified that I'd done those things, but also
horrified that I felt guilt over doing them. I understood very well Darla's
disgust with me- a vampire who felt bad for killing! I was disgusted with
myself. I wanted to be what I had been.... but I couldn't.
Guilt breeds more guilt and I'm a prime example of that.
Which is why Spike bothers me so damn much. Sure, it's not like we were ever
buddies. Even when I was evil, he was Dru's plaything, nothing more. And I can't
even think about this "thing" he had with Buffy.
But of everything there is to despise about Spike, what gets to me the most is
that he got his soul back- but doesn't seem to have the guilt part to go with
it.
Three weeks in a basement, mumbling to himself like a nutcase and then he's
FINE? Where was THAT program when I got mine back?
Maybe it's because he asked for his back and mine was a punishment. Maybe The
Powers That Be, or whoever is responsible, thought a vampire who was actually
asking for his soul back was pathetic enough.
But what about the guilt? It should still be there. I've come to the realization
that no matter how much good I do now, the guilt for what I did then is always
going to be with me. Hell, the guilt for things I've done to do good, is always
going to be with me. Remember what I said about guilt breeding guilt?
So.... where is Spike's guilt?
Champions
(This takes place after "Hellbound".)
Fred said that Spike is a champion... just like me. I didn't argue. I've heard
that word so many times, been called it and I've never argued with it. For awhile
I might have even believed it was true, but mostly it's just been a word. Now
they are calling Spike one. Why? Because he saved the world and sacrificed
himself? Because he's a vampire with a soul? Sounds familiar.
I want to argue that he's nothing like me, that he's done everything for selfish
reasons. He saved the world, yes, but he did it for Buffy, not for the good of
mankind. He fights on the side of good, but he does that because that's where
Buffy is. He's done some petty things...Ran around here distracting Fred with
his problem when she was trying to help with finding Nina. And I wonder, would
he have saved Wes or Gunn if our friend the doctor had grabbed one of them
instead of Fred? I'd like to point these things out to all or them and tell them
he's a fake. That just because he's a vampire with a soul, it doesn't make him
good and it doesn't make him a champion.
But if I do that, how long before they start looking at me?
Why am I a champion? How long after I got my soul back did I pull myself out of
sewer and become a "champion"? Too long. And why did I do that to begin with?
Buffy. Where would I be now if I'd had walked away from Whistler?
I can point at Spike and tell them he's a charlatan but then I will call
attention to myself... and we are more alike than I will ever admit outside my
own thoughts. My road to redemption began the same way, and for the same reason,
that his has.
Whether for guilt or love, what does it matter WHY he's on the side of good...
so long as he is. Maybe I need to step back and acknowledge that outside my own
head. Maybe I should give him more of the benefit of the doubt that this isn't
going to be a passing fancy with him. And that I can turn my back on him once in
awhile without waiting for the stab.
Of course having you’re back turned is how you usually get bit in the ass.
Perpetual Torment
(This takes place after "Destiny")
So Spike beat me. So what? Bound to happen just by the odds. How many fights
have we had, how many times did I beat him down.... so.... it had to happen
sooner or later.
Of course, none of those other fights mattered. None of them was to determine
one of our destinies. And when it came down to it, I choked.
I fought him as hard as I could and he won. First time and only time it
mattered.... and he won.
Gunn says that it doesn't matter, doesn't mean anything because the cup was a trick. No one got to Shanshu. It was a joke. The only thing Spike beat me too was a mouthful of warm Mountain Dew.
But it matters to me. The fact that the cup wasn't real doesn't take away the
fact that we both thought it was. We fought as though it were real... and I
lost.
I can shake off the "what if's" but I can't shake the "what's it mean." Because
it means something. Sirk said that the one who drinks first was meant to. And
sure, the cup was a lie but what he said wasn't. The one who is destined to
Shanshu, will. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop myself from thinking that
maybe Spike wanted it more. I can't bring myself to think that he deserves it
more because then I have to think about all the reasons why he doesn't deserve
it. How many he's killed, lives ruined by his rampages..... which makes me think
about the reason for THAT.
And that reason is me.
So instead I'll go with "he wanted it more." Which doesn't make me feel any
better really, because how could he want it more than me? That means something
too now doesn't it?
And let's not forget that I don't know who set this fun little exercise up, or
why.
Great. More to brood about.
Sides and Trust
(this takes place after "Damage")
Buffy doesn't trust me.
It's not the first time. Knowing how her life is and how my un-life is, it
probably won't be the last time. I heard what Andrew said and I would have
really loved to pop his head off for it. But that wouldn't have changed the fact
that what he said was the truth. Buffy doesn't trust me. She doesn't think we
are on the same side anymore.
And what can I say about that? That since taking over Wolfram and Hart, I've
done good? That I've prevented things that I couldn't have prevented without the
resources I have now? That I can make a difference that I couldn't have made
before? It's all true... every word of it is the truth.
Cordy said once that Angelus lies with the truth. I guess now I do too.
The grey area seems to stretch on, widening every day that I sit behind that
desk and Spike is out doing my job, as he put it. Eve tried to kill me and I'm
forced to take it in stride, and watch while my team-my friends- take it a bit
too easily in stride. They seem too well adjusted.... but on the upside, at
least they do seem to trust me. Now I wonder what that says about them.
It hurts that she doesn't trust me.
It scares me that I don't trust me.
The Apple
(This takes place after the first 12 episodes of Season 5, starting with
"Conviction" and ending with "You're Welcome")
When Eve gave me that apple, I took a big bite- because I knew where the worm
was. Wolfram & Hart was evil, but we could change it.
What a crock. A worm is a worm. You can't make it be anything else. The more you
hack it into pieces, the more worm you have to deal with.
I'm pretty sure I knew that at the beginning. I made a big speech to the others
about how we were going to make a difference- I think I still had hope. But now
I'm more convinced that I was, at best, protecting them. At worse, deceiving
them more. Keeping them from thinking too hard and long about what it is we've
done... what I've done.
I've been waiting for one of them to ask me how we got here. I'm worried that
they will... and even more worried that they haven't. They do their jobs, towing
the company line, happy in the "grey area" that we now inhabit. I've done the
math, I've stacked the good we've done against the "compromises"... No matter
what, it hasn't balanced out for me.
I cut off the head of an employee who was killing virgins. But I let the son of
a bitch running a slavery operation AND who hid a deadly virus inside his own
son's body, live.
I killed the head of my security team because he tried to kill me. But Eve
attached a coma inducing parasite to me and she lived to tell the tale. Yep, I
remember that we helped Nina and killed the Necromancer, contained Pavayne and
stopped Dana's psycho slayer rampage without killing her. So I asked myself,
what are those? Marks in our "good" column when we have to let something evil
slip by?
And what about those parasite induced dreams. Doesn't take Freud to figure out
I'm having trust issues. Feeling lost- I know it- and not trusting my friends to
help me come back. Sometimes a cigar is a cigar and sometimes a stake in the
heart is a stake in the heart. Although he doesn't remember it, Wesley's
betrayed me before.... Gunn and Lorne let them mess around in their heads for
God's sake! Fred... sometimes she gets a look on her face, and I just know she's
going to ask. But then she goes back to work in her lab.
They've changed and I don't trust them. But since I'm the one who brought them
here , and every move I make might be playing right into the Senior Partner's
hands, how can I trust me?.
It's a common theme it seems. And why not? Spike has apparently been doing what
I'm suppose to be doing. Spike! I can't even count the number of ways that's
wrong. The crazy thing is that he's not even at the top of my list of worries.
Andrew was right when he said we already have enough problems. Whoever sent the
cyborg wanted to control me. The Slayers, while perhaps not exactly against me,
certainly aren't with me. I didn't even want to think about what would happen if
the time came when Buffy thinks that greyness has become a bit too dark.
So I had enough of that color. I decided that it was going to be black and white
from now on. That I couldn't do this anymore. I was quitting and going back to
where I belong.
And then Cordy woke up.
I was lost. This whole time I've been floundering around in this mess without my
guide. Doubting the Shanshu prophecy, even while daring to hope it might still
be real.... because without Cordy, The Powers seemed so far away. Like they
didn't care anymore or didn't exist. All my doubts were overwhelming me, keeping
me from remembering who I am... But she reminded me. She showed me the way,
again. Made me believe in myself and showed me that I still have a path.
She woke up because I AM where I belong. I just needed her to show me that.
Needed her to look at me and see what I was so that I could see that I STILL am
what I was:
I'm Angel and I beat the bad guys.
Wolfram and Hart is evil but I'm not. I can say that we will do good and not
doubt it because I know it's the truth now. Because Cordy believed it was true.
And now she's gone.
War Is Hell
(Takes place after "Why We Fight" and ties in with my story "Me, Myself and
Angelus")
It wasn't my war. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I didn't want to
care. So I decided that I didn't. I'm not proud of how I was or what I did.
You can't change the past. You can only change you. I think I've done that but I
know I have my doubts sometimes.
I had a talk with Angelus. Had a.... dream.... or something. He told me that I
hadn't changed at all. That everything I'd done when we came to Wolfram and Hart
was because I'm the same vampire that I was out on that sub. That I'm the same
vampire who turned Lawson and abandoned him to his fate. That when the going
gets tough, I do what I have to do to make the outcome what's best for me.
He would see it that way.
When you don't have a soul, all the decisions I've made, including Lawson, make
sense on that level. And the best thing about it is, you don't ever have to
think about it again.
But I have a soul. And I think about all I've done every day of my life. What I
did to Lawson was necessary. It was wrong but, again, you can't change the past.
What I've done to my friends... I know there will be a reckoning. It took Lawson
60 years, but it came. And when it comes I'll deal with it as best I can.
What else can I do?
Puppet Theater
(Takes place after "Smile Time")
If you've lived as long as I have, you start to think you've seen everything.
You think you've been everywhere and done everything. You start to think you've
got it all figured out. It makes you sort of cynical. Ok, broody.
We've been here at Wolfram and Hart for months now. I've been running things,
thinking I'm seeing everything.... and now I realize that I haven't been paying
attention at all.
I totally missed all the signals Nina was sending me. Maybe I didn't want to see
them because then I'd have to deal with it .
There was a time not so very long ago when I would have dealt with that sort of
problem just fine. But that was before Buffy. Before I found out about the line
I walk and what happens if I cross it. Like I told Wes, I'm not "that guy". Not
anymore.
I heard what he said about the chances of Angelus making another appearance even
if I gave Nina, or someone else, a chance. But the risk... well, it's there.
Problem is... I like Nina. A lot. What's not to like? She's beautiful and sweet.
And, being a werewolf she understands the whole creature of the night thing
better than most. I sort of had the idea that maybe that was part of why she was
attracted to me.
And then I got turned into a puppet. A real felt and stuffing puppet. Hell, I
could even pull my nose off and put it back on. There wasn't any part of that,
that didn't suck.... well kicking Spike's ass didn't suck actually...but because
of it, I did find out why Nina likes me: Because of me. Who I am. Sure, the
vampire thing is part of it, but that's who I am too.
So, I think that I can have breakfast with a pretty girl and not worry so much
about where it's leading. Maybe if I relax a bit I'll be able to think about
some of the other things I've been looking at and not seeing. Nina's interest is
one thing to miss, but in a place like Wolfram and Hart... I need to keep my
eyes open. I need to see what's going on around me, right now.
Food for thought.
And I still don't know what puppets eat.
Darkness
(Takes place after "Hole In The World" and "Shells")
How many people do you have to lose before they take away your "Champion"
status? I don't care about being a Champion but when I think about this role
I've been given and the people I've lost... now Fred.... It makes me wonder. Is
anyone counting the soldiers that have fallen in my mission? They should be.
I was suppose to save her. I thought about it in the well. I thought about
actually damning God knows how many people to get that demon bitch back to where
it belongs and out of Fred. The idea of losing her, especially after I just lost
Cordy, was too much.
How pathetic must I be when Spike is actually trying to cheer me up? Said that
we would have killed so many people and she wouldn't have wanted that. And he's
right, she wouldn't have.
Doesn't make me feel better. When I saw Illyria for the first time in Fred's
body, I wished I had done it anyway.
It was my fault.
Knox picked Fred..... Gunn signed the papers.
But I brought them to Wolfram and Hart.
I've said that before, but the truth repeated a hundred times is still the
truth. Sure, we were all given "the deal". Each one of us was given the
"opportunity" to say no. No one had to say yes.
Bullshit.
Ultimately it was on me. They've dedicated their lives to the mission and that
mission is with me. For better or worse. Til death do us part.
Fred thought I could do it. Thought I could do anything. Thought I could save
her. Maybe that's where the denial came from. Why I was so sure I could get her
back, that there must be some way. Her body was altered but that's just a body.
What she was, her soul, we could save her. I could save her. Because she was so
sure I could.
But she's gone. Her soul... everything that was Fred is gone.
Sometimes you can't win. All reason and fairness says you are right. You fight
the good fight, but it's not enough.
Sometimes the darkness wins instead.
The Chewy Center
(Takes place after "Underneath")
The Apocalypse is here. I've been sitting in the middle of it all this time,
signing my contracts and shuffling my papers while it plays out under my nose.
The Senior Partners gave me busy work. Kept me from seeing what was going on.
Maybe I'm not a big picture kind of guy- I see the wall, I punch the wall, I
move on to the next wall. But I'm starting to see what Lindsey was talking
about. About damn time too.
And it only cost me Gunn.
I'm trying to bring myself to face that. The information we've gotten from
Lindsey is important, anything more will be just as important. But I left Gunn
there.
I left him. He said he wanted to do it. I know he's racked with guilt over Fred.
But I'm the boss. I'm suppose to watch over them. I'm the Champion.
I'm Angel. I'm suppose to keep them safe.
When I told him all that about guilt and redemption, I just wanted to get him
out of that damn hospital bed. Maybe I should have known. After all, I am the
King of Brood-land, so maybe I should have known something bad would have come
out of his guilt.
Bad things always happen here. There's always a price to be paid. It's why the
Senior Partners set me up here- for every step forward we've made, we take two
back.
Two more gone.
Well no more. No more distractions. No more accepting that things are the way
they are. I'm in it now, eyes wide open. Lindsey and Eve and Hamilton and
whoever else can just stay out of my way.
Or not. Either way works for me.
If The Apocalypse is here, I say bring it on.
What Comes Around
(Takes place after "Origins")
It's not like I didn't know it was going to happen eventually. But the funny
thing about eventually is that you hope it won't come. Knowing it will isn't
enough because you are always surprised when the time comes. Never quite
prepared.
And now Wesley knows. He knows what I did and why I did it. And what his role in
it was.
He's hurting. I wish I knew what to say to him but I don't.
He took my son, betrayed me. Now he remembers that he did that... because he
betrayed me again. Didn't trust me. Saw that I'd done something and was sure
that he knew the best course of action.
This time he gave me my son back.
Connor is the son I hoped he'd be. He's smart and well adjusted. And although
he's still their son, he knows he's mine too. He can't be here with me. We'll
never be able to do the things that other sons and fathers get to do. But he's
out there, and he's healthy. And he knows me and where I am if he needs me.
And he doesn't hate me.
It's more than I could have ever hoped for since I made my pact with Wolfram and
Hart.
Maybe what I should say to Wes is 'thank you.' but I don't think he'd understand
it right now. He's lost and confused and in so much pain... Illyria always there
and always a reminder of what he had.
He's in Hell.
As much as Gunn is doing his penance in that holding dimension, Wesley is doing
his right here. And I have to do something to help them both. We'll never get
through this unless we are together.
You have to take care of your family.
Thank you, Connor, for reminding me.
I will.
Slave
(takes place after "TimeBomb" )
Jumping around in time makes you confused and terrified . Also a little sea
sick.
Of course nothing is more sickening than seeing your friends dead on the floor
and what remains of yourself in a heap ready for a dustpan.
Or maybe there is something more sickening than that after all....
I told the Fell Brethren that the child is theirs. Walked right into that office
and watched the mother sign her child over to them.
Gunn thinks I've lost my mind.
I think that Wesley has.
But there is one thing I do know for sure: I'm not a slave to this damn firm
anymore.
Wolfram and Hart wanted me to fight for that child. The Fell would have come
down on us. We would have fought them.
We would have been distracted.
Maybe the invisible war isn't so invisible after all- it's just a matter of
seeing what's there. Not becoming pulled in a different direction.
Not being distracted.
The Apocalypse is here and I have to find a way to fight it: Now. Whatever will
happen to that child in the future, is in the future. And if I can't stop what's
happening in the present, well, the future isn't going to be that big of a
worry.
So they can have him... for now.
Illyria said that a ruler serves no master but his own ambition.
Wolfram and Hart is going to find out how ambitious I can be.
Ah, Rome
(Takes place after "The Girl In Question")
Buffy's with the Immortal. My feelings about that are better expressed with
gratuitous violence and curses screamed that the tops of my lungs… but I'll try
to write it anyway.
What's worse: that's she's with him, or that I had to hear about it from Andrew?
Or maybe it's that there's nothing I can do about it. I'd rather she was with
Spike.
Ok, so that's a lie. Truth is I'll never be happy as long as she's not with me.
I've told myself that I walked away. We had to be apart and I knew it and I had
to be the one to make that decision. So I did. Given the circumstances of our
lives, what future could we have together? So I left.
Only I never really did. Not in my heart.
That's the rub of it: We can't be together and we will never be apart.
Forever love. I told Spike that what she and I have. And I believe it too. How
do I know? Because from the beginning I knew it was doomed and it didn't stop
us.
Because even when I killed her friends, she didn't stop loving me.
Because when she sent me to Hell, I didn't stop loving her.
No matter what happens in the future, it's always going to be there. No matter
who we meet or where we go, it always comes back to us. Angel and Buffy. Buffy
and Angel. Forever.
Whatever she has with him won't compare. Knowing that was the only reason I
could get back on that plane and come home.
Maybe Spike can move on, I think I'll envy him a little if he can.
I'll make a go of it... maybe.
So I got blown up and my heart broken and didn't even do the job I was suppose
to do. But at least I feel somewhat closer to Spike.
God, now I really am depressed.
Heroes
(Takes Place after " Power Play")
Nina called me a hero.
A hero is someone who saves the day..... Or the night. Keeps everyone safe.
I haven't always been able to do that. But, I guess to her, I am one. I did save
her. I've kept her safe. And now, because of me, she will be far away when this
thing I've set in motion finally comes to it's head.
So that is what she sees me as.
But I saw real heroes today, standing in my office.
They raised their hands and agreed to follow me into Hell. And not for one
minute did I think they wouldn't. I didn't doubt one of them. I knew they would
do it.
I wish they hadn't.
After all the things I've said and done these past weeks, after seeing my
potential for evil up close and personal, a quick crossbow bolt to the heart
wouldn't have been un-reasonable.
But they didn't write me off. They came to me, to save me. Even Spike.
My friends. My family.
They listened to what I had to say. They listen to me tell them that I was about
to go on a suicide mission and that I needed them to come with me. That we
weren't going to save the world- not really. That evil would still be here after
we were through. That the Senior Partners would continue on in some form for as
long as humans continue on the Earth.
They raised their hands and said they would go with me. Raised their hands and
agreed to die on their feet rather than live on their knees. Agreed that we
could no longer just accept the way things are.
I didn't lie: I can't do it without them because if I could, I would. But it
doesn't change the fact that part of me wishes they had said no.
They didn't, and now I have to lead them into a darkness that I don't think we
will come out of. Not all of us, certainly. Possibly none of us.
Sometimes the darkness wins, but for one bright moment, we will stand up to it.
We will push it back and show what we are made of.
We may go down, but we will take as much of it as we can with us.
We will make a difference.
We will be heroes.
The Stand
(Takes place during "Not Fade Away", before the final moments.)
I don't want to die. I've lived 250 years as a vampire and I don't want to die
any more than Wes or Gunn or any of the rest of them do.
I look at them and I think that it should be easier for me to give up my life
than it is for them. I've live so long, done so much. I've had more than that
"full life" everyone wants to have.
But it's not enough. I have so much more that I'd like to do before the end.
The funny thing about that is, I could just walk away. I don't really have to do
this. Wolfram and Hart are going to be around after we destroy the Black Thorn.
One could make the argument that I'm throwing away my life and the lives of my
friends for nothing.
I know that's not true though.
When nothing we do matters, it matters what we do. We live as though the world
were the way it should be, instead of how it is. And, if it's necessary, we die
rather than become part of the problem.
I write these words knowing that I've done some things lately that are less than
heroic. And I still must give an order I'd rather not give. I honestly believe
what I said to Lindsey- he could talk his way out of trouble and right into
power. And I can't allow that. I hope that Lorne can understand and forgive me
for what I am going to ask him to do.
For today, I've given them the only thing that I have to give: a little time.
Told them to go and do whatever it is they want to do. To walk in the sun...
except for Spike of course, to see their friends... whatever they want to do.
For me, I'm going to see Connor. My well adjusted, healthy, son. I won't tell
him that it's probably the last time he'll see me. I certainly don't want him
getting caught in this. I don't know if the Circle of the Black Thorn really has
the power to take away the Shanshu or not. Maybe they were just jerking me
around, testing me some more. Doesn't really matter though because there's
always Connor. I know now what every parent knows; that they will live on
through their child. And sure, it's not what the Shanshu promises, but
considering I don't think that I'll make it through this night, it's more than
enough.
Wolfram and Hart have been trying to control me from the first moment we crossed
paths. They've looked for a way to use me, and my friends, to fulfill their
vision of how I fit into their Apocalypse.
They almost had me.
But tonight I will show them that I'm not their tool. I am not something they
can control.
I'm not their bitch anymore.
And when they come down on us, it will be because we took the first shot. We
wrote our own ending, if it comes to that.
That's all I have left to say.... for now.
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