Nor a Borrower Be: Part 2
by Berloke
Cut to Library. The gang are researching. Angel and Buffy enter

Xander: Buffy! How are you?

Buffy: We need to talk.

Angel: It's the curse. Your soul could be lost at any time. That happy-go-lucky thing you got? Used to be just annoying, now it's deadly.

Giles: Actually no, it isn't

Buffy: How?

Giles: Um, Willow?

Willow: Well, when I cast the curse, it was kind of specific, to Angel I mean. If it did get zapped into Xander. It wouldn't work.

Angel: So how come Xander still has his soul?

Giles: I need to look at some more texts, but I believe that the fact Xander has never been bitten prevented the demon from taking his body. Your strength, speed, vulnerability to sunlight and so on were transferred, but the demon, with no vampire blood in Xander's body, couldn't get in. I assume that's what Ethan was counting on when he tried to take your powers.

Angel: That sounds okay. So where's the demon?

Giles I don't have any idea.

Angel: Well I'm not missing it, that's for sure. I've had it's voice in my head for over two hundred years. It's nice to have the space to myself for a change.

Oz looks up from his book

Oz:Nothing in this We still have the vampire army problem.

Giles: Indeed. Ethan must have enticed them here with promises of power, or blood, or something. I assume he intends to drain their power and take it for himself. If he had the strength of all these vampires, he'd be virtually invincible.

Buffy: So where do we find them? Can't you ask your friends with the extra ears?

Giles: Willy

Xander: Willy's got extra ears? I only ever saw two.

Giles: No, Willy told me where Ethan was.

Oz: That was a set-up

Giles: Which means he's working for Ethan. We go the Willy's and we'll find Ethan.

Angel: How do you he won't just lie again.

Xander: I'm sure I can persuade him .

Giles: Let's not be too rash. Willy's place has always been a favourite haunt of vampires, and if Ethan's involved there may be too many for even you to deal with. You may have strength of three superhumans, but you need training to control it. If you just rush in, again, you could get killed.

Xander: Well okay then, let's do some practise. Guys?

Cut to overhead shot of Xander in the centre of Giles, Angel and Oz, all dressed in heavy padding, carrying weapons.

Giles (carrying baseball bat): Now, I'll lead off, and if Xander feels up to it, you two join in. Engarde

He charges Xander, who disarms him, throws him to one side and gives Giles his baseball bat back while he's still flying away, all in one smooth movement.. The other two rush in, and are decked with equal ease. They pick themselves up and charge back in Cut to a few minutes later. Oz is seen flying across the floor, Angel slumped on the floor against the desk. Giles then aims a hefty swing at the back of Xanders head. He spins around and punches the bat in two, and decks Giles with the backstroke The three of them are sweating and breathing heavily, with their padding all awry. Xander is vamped out, but otherwise not fazed at all.

Giles: Um, yes. Let's go to Willy's then.

Angel: I hear it's going to be nice.

Oz: I'll drive.

Willow: Are you sure're up to it?

Oz: Well I can't walk, so I kinda have to.

Cut to interior of Willy's new bar. It's much bigger than his old place. We are looking at Willy looking very harassed. We can see Ethan reflected in the bar mirror over Willy's shoulder. The rest of the bar is empty. The sound fades in. The place sounds like it's busy. The camera pans round to where Ethan is standing at the bar, which we can now see is absolutely packed full of vampires, but all in their human face. Cut to outside side of Willy's bar Oz, Angel and Giles manhandle Xander, wrapped in a heavy blanket, into a small window in the wall. Cut to men's toilet in Willy's. The gang cover the windows up and unwrap their secret weapon.

Willow (pointing to bowls on wall): What are these f..oh...eeesh

Xander checks out all the stakes he has strapped to himself. He's wearing unusually cool clothes. We are following that law of narrative that stylish yet industrial strength arse kicking is done in a black leather trenchcoat. He's looking very Matrix

Oz: You set?

Xander: Staked and stoked. Let's get it on..

Cut to main room of Willy's bar. Men's room door opens in slow motion and Xander steps in. Music cuts in as soon as door opens: Moby's Help me to Believe He walks through the crowd of vampires in his human face. A couple of very large vampires block his way, and vamp out. Xander vamps out too, and growls. The big guys smile, nod, back down, and go sit beside some even bigger vamps. Xander makes his way to the bar, where he throws Ethan's pile of cash on the bar. Back to normal speed, music stops.

Willy: What's that for?

Xander: The storm damage

Willy: What storm?

Xander: Hurricane Xander.

Xander picks up the chair in front of him, rips two of the legs off and stakes the two vamps either side of him in one fluid movement. The rest of vampires stop what they're doing and start to turn towards Xander. Ethan sees this and jumps onto the bar. I'd recommend “All I Need is to be Loved” By Moby, the mix from “Everything is Wrong” starts up as soon as he does

Ethan: Kill this one here, or you'll never walk in sunlight. Now!

The room vamps out, starting from the ones around Xander, and heading back in a wave. At this point, Xander vamps out as the really hardcore bit from the Moby track kicks in. The maddest, and biggest fight in TV history kicks off. Take every movie barfight you're even seen and put the good bits into this one. Xander is The Man here. He's Jake the Mus from Once Were Warriors, Joe from My Name is Joe, Arnie's T-800 from T2, Tom Cody from Streets of Fire, and William Munny from Unforgiven. He's a main course of Roy Shaw and Charles Bronson with a side order of Chopper Reid and some Lenny McLean for dessert. When Satan himself wakes up screaming it's because the thought of facing Xander has grabbed his heart like a cold obsidian claw. Xander is beating the shit out of everything that moves, staking at a tremendous rate, and flinging vamps to the left and right so much that even the centre gets jealous. His fighting style is a mixture of effortless trick shots( staking vamps without looking, throwing stakes on the rebound off walls etc.) and spectacularly brutal displays of strength (setting vamps head up against bar, and kicking it clean off, picking up entire tables and using the legs as stakes etc). Dust, blood and furniture is flying all over the place.

Cut to the toilet, inside. We see the gang with their faces pressed up against the glass at the top of the door.

Angel: He's doing well.

Oz: The Force is strong with this one.

Giles: Oh Lord, It's the Van Horst family.

Buffy: Which ones are they?

Giles: The walking brick privy collection in the corner. A Clan from South Africa, they fight rhinoceri bare-handed, then drink them to celebrate.

Cut to main bar again. The aforemention very big vampires stand up and run into the fray. Xander takes a few really hard blows from them, but they can't get to him en masse because of the smaller guys in front, and they are sent flying back to their booth one by one. Xander carries on staking. Ethan Rayne and Willy disappear out back. Ethan has left behind the Egyptian necklace. The Van Horst family are soon the only ones left standing, and now they rush him en masse. Cut to toilets

Willow: Look out Xander!

Angel: Man, they got him pinned.

Buffy: Look out Xander! Wait..

Oz: Look out us!

The gang jump back from the door just in time to avoid the biggest Van Horst come flying through the door, shattering it, not even hitting the ground until he hits the far wall, where he shatters half the bowls on the wall, and lies stunned on the floor. He's brought a big trail of dust with him, that settles on the floor. Willow has a nasty cut arm from some of the flying wood. The mad thrash music stops. The gang crane their head round to the bar. Dust is spilling into the toilet floor. There's such much dust in the air we can't even see halfway through the bar. What we can see is post-apocalyptic carnage a go-go. Cue highly cool music. I call Death Threat, by Death in Vegas Xander strides confidently out of the murk in slow motion. He's absolutely covered in dust and blood. His hair's all over the place, and he has a big mean looking closed-up eye, but he's not bothered by it. His clothes are torn halfway to ribbons. His knuckles are cut up, but that's nothing compared the the state of his stakes. They're splintered and hanging in shreds. He drops both stakes, we follow their progress tumbling to the floor. Cut to closeup of stakes falling, taken with one of those cameras that film bullets leaving guns etc. Stakes hit ground in extreme slow motion raising elegant trails of dust Cut back to Xander walking past the thoroughly gobsmacked Scooby Gang, Willow holding her arm distractedly. He's trailing the clouds of dust with him, leaving footprints, and a steady stream of ex-vamp pours out of his jacket. He picks up a big chunk of door, and rips it casually in two to make a stake. The remaining Van Horst vamp mountain starts to stir. Cut to POV of Van Horst. Xander stalk towards him, picks it him up by the throat with one hand, in the classic Darth Vader feet-dangling mode, slams it with vicious force into the tiles, stakes him and drop him. Camera POV falls to earth, bounces once and fades to black as dust obscures the shot. Cut to toilet in normal speed/camera POV

Xander morphs back to human face

Xander: How was that?

Angel: Not bad

Buffy: For a beginner

Giles: A bit of training and we might make a slayer from you yet. He he.

Oz: I guess that's the end of the army.

They walk into the carnage. the dust is settling now

Giles: We lost Ethan, I'm afraid.

Buffy: So that's it? Xander's the Ultimate Fighting Champion, and we're normal?

Giles: Well, I have no way of knowing how long the effect will last, but what really worries me is Ethan.He still has the staff. He only needs to get Xander now, and he'll be worse than anyone we've faced.

Angel: Even me.

Willow picks up the necklace: What's this?

Oz: Ethan was wearing it in the warehouse

Giles: I don't know. It's Egyptian, but apart from that... We'd better head back to the library and find out. Xander, if you want to get wrapped up?

Cut to inside of Oz's van. Xander and Willow are getting cleaned up by Giles. Angel and Buffy sit in the front with Oz.

Oz: So, human again?

Angel: It's an experience. I haven't really had time to take it all in yet..

Buffy: Your hands feel different.

Angel: How?

Buffy: They're warm.

Angel: Everything's different. Smells, the light, being hungry.

Oz: Vampires don't get hungry?

Angel: No we do, but it feels nothing like human hunger. It's more like needing to breathe.

Buffy: Which is another novelty.

In the back, Xander is finished getting patched up.

Xander: Man I'm starved, whatta we got here, potato chips

Xander opens the bag and starts stuffing his face.

Xander: Taste kinda bland

Angel sniffs the air and smiles.

Angel: What is that smell? (turns round) Xander, don't!

Xander stops eating suddenly, and starts to retch.

Xander: I gotta barf. Excuse me (reaches for door handle)

Giles slams his hand on the door

Giles: The sun hasn't set!

Oz: Hold on a second, man, we got an underpass just up here.

Cut to exterior of van, shaded by underpass. Xander is vomming like the best of them.

Angel: Okay I'm feeling less hungry now.

Buffy: Dinner!

Angel: Excuse me?

Buffy: We should have dinner at my house. All of us. Come on it'll be perfect. Your first meal for two hundred and twenty years might as well be a good one. I'll call Mom, and we can have a proper civilised dinner party. She's totally jonesing to throw out some hospitality.

Oz: Not to seem ungrateful, but the precedents....

Buffy: Oh Okay I'll just sweep through the house and throw out anything scary looking, and if any undead crashers do turn up, well, we just sit back and watch Xander kick their asses.

Giles: Well I'm afraid you'll have to count me out, I have to research more about this necklace. And I couldn't possibly impose on your Mother at such short....

Buffy: Oh come on Giles, we've just taken on an army and won. We've got the necklace. We can find out what it does later. We can relax. And Ethan can't steal Xander's powers if he's at mine having fun.

Willow: I can cast a spell so we get really funky candle flames. And everlasting ones, for that matter.

Buffy: Cool. See, everyone's on board with this. Look I know why you and Mom have this whole “awkward” issue.

Giles: You do? How long have...

Buffy: Giles, you almost got her killed by a completely postal vampire. You two just need to hammer that out over some fine foodstuffs, she'll forgive you, and then you'll be able to drop this whole Cold War thing, right? That is it, right?

Giles: Yes, yes, once we've cleared that up we'll have absolutely no reason at all to be awkward, and that's God's honest truth.

Buffy: See? So we're on. Xander, are you finished barfing?

Xander: Yep, I'm empty. Still hungry though.

Angel (walking around in the sun outside the underpass) : I got some pig's blood at mine.

Oz: Liking the sun, huh?

Angel: I love it, there's so many things I can do now. Hey let's get some holy water and I'll drink it. Or I know, I'll walk into someone's house uninvited. Hey has anyone got a cross?

Angel walks up to Buffy and puts his hand around her cross necklace. In doing so, his hand touches her chest. They share a look as they realise the shag-related issues surrounding Angel's humanity. The dirty buggers.

Buffy: I tell you what, Angel and I'll got to his place and phone Mom from there.

Angel: Yeah, good plan

Giles: Or you could use the phone over there

Cut to shot with phone box in foreground. The underpass is only about fifteen feet away in the background.

Buffy: Um, no these public phones are always broken, and, um very unsanitary. Do you think everyone who uses them has washed their hands? I don't think so. No, Angel's phone is very clean and it works perfectly. Let's go honey.

Xander: What about my blood?

Angel: No! Uh I just remembered that, uh I forgot, to remember that I drunk it all last night.

Oz: Um, Buffy? you might wanna look in the glove compartment , Angel being human and all.

Cut to shot from inside glove box. Buffy reaches in and takes out box of condoms. Face lights up a la Christmas. Cut back to gang.

Willow (looking worried): Oz?

Oz: They're Devon's

Willow: Oh, okay

Looks worried again

Buffy ( hiding box from Giles): Well, Angel and I will be going now.

Oz: You want a lift?

Angel: No, we'll just get a cab.

Looks up and down road. No cabs there.

Buffy: We'll phone for one.

Angel: Okay

They walk towards the phone quickly. Willow and Oz are smiling indulgently. They look at the thunderlike faces of Xander and Giles, and quickly try to return to deadpan.

Cut to inside of van in motion again. Giles is changing Willow's dressing, and hands the bloodstained bandages to Xander. Xander, unseen by the rest of them, starts to nibble on the bandage, then tucks in more. (Should that be sucks in?) Anyway:

Xander: Man, Willow, your blood tastes really...

(Suitably horrified expression from Willow)

Xander: Bad, horrible, foul. In fact Oz, stop the van: I'm going to vomit again.

Giles (snatching the bandage back): Xander, behave.

Xander: Okay, sorry, won't happen again. But gimme a break, I'm starving.

Willow back up into the corner away fom Xander. Giles stays where he is, but turns up the collar of his tweed jacket.

Oz: Heads up, butcher. (stops the van)

Willow: I'll go get it.

Giles: I'll pay.

Giles and Willow leave sharply

Xander: Oz man, I would never

Oz: I know

Xander: It's just the blood smell, you have no idea

Oz: Actually I do.

Xander: It's like a little voice in your head.( looks at Oz's neck for a moment)

Oz: Just saying: Do it.

Xander: Totally. How can you stand it? (long look at Oz's neck, then break off)

Oz: It's easier away from the full moon. But you get used to it. You just have to focus.

Xander: Focus (now staring fixedly at Oz's neck)

Oz: Keep telling yourself it isn't blood.

Xander: Not blood. Right

Cut to extreme closeup of Oz's neck

Door of van opens. Xander snaps out of it.

Willow: Lunch is up.

Giles: It's a mixture of pig, lamb and cow with a twist of chicken.

Xander grabs the jar and swigs

Xander: Man that hits the spot. How'd you know the recipe?

Giles: I didn't. The butcher recommended it

Cut to Angel's mansion. Angel and Buffy are finishing getting dressed. Their hair is, unsurprisingly, a mess.

Buffy: I gotta fix this. Mom will totally wig if we show up like this.

Angel: She'll just think you had a rough day. You have, look at your hand.

Buffy: Angel this isn't Rough Day Hair, this is Marathon Sex Hair. She's not stupid, and much as it digusts me to think of it, she'll able to tell when two people have had sex. I can. Don't you have any mirrors at all?

Angel: Here.

He walks her to that big white screen with the light opposite it, in the corner of the room. They then fix their hair using their shadows. Cut to their shadows. Buffy's shadow looks up at Angel

Buffy: I always wondered what that was for.

They carry on fixing their hair.

Angel: Marathon, huh?

Cut to Faith's motel A young man is putting on his clothes. Faith sits in bed, looking upset.

Faith: You don't have to bail so soon. Stay a while.

Guy: I told you, I gotta get to work.

Faith: Please? I just don't wanna be alone y'know?

Guy(sneering): Hey whatever. I'll call you. Bye. ( buggers off)

Faith sits hugging herself, and starts crying

Cut to Buffy's house. Night-time. The table is set with the company plates and cutlery, very similar to Dead Man's party, except for the zombies.

The gang walk in chatting, dressed for a gathering. Xander is at the back. He can't get past the door. The others don't notice, and Xander is left on his tod.

Xander: Uh? Guys? Hello?

Buffy's voice is heard through the hallway:

Buffy:Sorry Xander. You can come in.

Xander: Thank you (walks in)

Cut to hall. Angel and Xander walk past a mirror, and both do a double take. They start waving their hands around in synch, then see that they're acting the same and stop quickly.

Cut to Gang at dinner Close up on candle flame. It's a little guy doing the YMCA dance. Other flames are suitably magical. Joyce and Buffy come in, bearing steaks.

Joyce: Now let me see: Rupert is the medium rare. Buffy and Willow are the medium. Daniel, you're the blue. Angel and I are the well done, and Xander is the, well, warm. I didn't have a meat thermometer that goes down to 98, so I had to guess.

Xander: I'm sure it's delicious. (looks at it). Oooh nice and bloody

Joyce: I poured a little extra on.

Xander: Dee-lish

Cut to later, the Gang are in the middle of eating their steaks. Xander is arseing around, vamping in and out.

Xander: And I got this growl thing going on. (Vamps and growls)

The Gang all laugh, but Willow, sitting next to Xander, discreetly moves her place setting about half an inch away.

Joyce: And you're both the slayers too?

Xander: Yessiree, scourge of the underworld, that's me.

Buffy: I just wish you'd told me before I busted my hand on your face.

Joyce: You mustn't feel bad about that Xander.

Xander(unconcerned): Okay

Cut to later, the main course is done and the puddings just about finished.

Buffy: And then every time I turned round, like even for a second, they were at it again. It was so embarassing.

Cut to Joyce and Giles sitting stock still with fixed grins.

Joyce: More cake anyone? Angel?

Angel: Thanks Mrs Summer, but I'm stuffed. That was the best food I've had in 223 years.

Joyce: Oh please.

Angel: No I'm serious.

Buffy: Before you get too big-headed, Mom, it's also the only food he's had.

Oz: Well I second Angel's vote. That was some quality chow.

Giles: Yes, you do put on an excellent spread.

Joyce and Giles nearly have a coronary, in the background we hear Xander, Willow and Buffy thank Joyce for the food.

Joyce: I'll go get some coffee.

Oz: Hey, I'm real sorry, but I gotta bail. We got a gig at the Bronze.

Joyce: Are you sure you don't have time?

Oz: Well it takes a while to set up the amps. To hide the fact we suck.

Joyce: Nonsense. I'm sure the rest of the band can manage. I'll make an expresso.

Oz: No can do.

Giles: I had best be going too. I still have..

Joyce: Your books, of course. You go. Now, those coffees!

Sharp exits from Giles and Joyce

Cut to the Bronze. Dingos Ate my Baby are playing, the crowd is jumping, and the gang are on the dance floor. Camera pans round to Cordelia and the Cordettes

Cordy: Have you seen how much weight she's put on? And she doesn't even have the courtesy to hide it. She should be forced, by law, to wear something floral in size whale. Oh God, here she waddles.

Girl approaches on way to bar. She's hardly huge, but chunkier than Cordy et al.

Vanessa: Hi Cordelia!

Cordy: Hey Vanessa, love the new look, very curvy.

Vanessa: Thanks. I thought maybe I was getting too big

Cordy: No way, the boys love that latino booty thing. I wish I wasn't so skinny

Vannesa: You're so sweet.(leaves)

Cordy( to Cordettes): Can you count my faces?

Cut to later. Cordy is seen dancing with two college guys. Xander is staring at them, looking a bit suspicious.

Cut to outside Bronze. Cordy and the two guys are walking down an alley.

Cordy: I have so had it with school boys. I had this phase where I thought college guys were, well evil. But now I realise what I've been missing. Is your car nearby? Only these heels are killing me. You really have to suffer to look this good. No-one ever gets that.

They stop and stand over her.

College guy 1: We understand pain pretty well.

College guy 2: And soon, so will you.

They vamp out.

Cordy: Hey, you back off. I'm close personal friends with both the slayers. And you know Angel? Well so do I, and in fact he's kind of got the hots for me only he won't admit it and, there he is!

Vamps look round, but there's nothing there. They turn round while Cordy grabs a blunt piece of wood

College Guy 1: That'll never work.

Cut to Xander, backlit, with smoke around him etc.

Xander: Why don't you try mine?

Xander has a stake on his leg in the Western gunslinger style. He hooks his black jacket around it, in the time honoured Clinty fashion. The Death Threat music from the end of the bar fight starts again We go back to slow motion, and Xander stalks towards the vampires, looking rather predatory. And, of course, cool as mince.

Music and slow motion stop abruptly Cordy: Xander what are you doing? Go back and get Buffy, you moron.

Xander: Hey! I'm being cool here.

The two college vamps jump at him. He of course leathers the pair of them in suitably energetic style. The first one get him in a headlock, but Xander shoves a holy water bottle into his mouth, which makes him break off. At this point, Xander kicks him in the teeth so hard he flies halfway down the alley. His head goes on fire and he dusts in mid air. Meanwhile, Xander has gubbed the other one near enough into orbit. Xander spins round, casually tosses his stake over his shoulder, and the vamp lands on it, and dusts.

Xander: And I'm done

Cordy: When did you get born-again hard?

Xander: Long story. Walk you home?

Cordy: In these shoes? I think not.

Xander: Not a problem.

Picks her up and walks off. Cordy looks back at the patches of ex-vamp.

Cordy: That is it. I'm never going to date college boys again. Ever.

Xander: Cordy, you'll BE in college next year.

Cordy: Well I'll just have to pull a Mrs Robinson. How come you're pulling a Mr T?

Xander: You remember that Ethan Rayne guy?...


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