Sins of Angel: Sins of Angel
by Angelic Mulder
DISCLAIMER: Okay, now, I'd *like* to own Buffy and all associated characters, but I don't. Some lucky guy got there first .



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Monday 23rd: Not being near her, not seeing her is killing me. I feel as though my heart-" Angel laughed bitterly at this and threw down the old journal. How could *he* have a heart after what he had done to Buffy, after how he had hurt her. It was unforgivable. And now the pain felt worse, having been a part of her, something he would never again be. He paced the room. "God! How can I live now?" He muttered, before grabbing his trench coat.

Angel sighed as he walked the lonely street. Suddenly, he smelled the metallic tang of blood. His instincts told him something was very wrong. Detecting shadowy figures in a nearby alleyway, he ran down the street. One vampire, supervising the others' actions, looked up as Angel approached.

"Angelus!"

He grinned and patted Angel's broad back.

"Good to have you back, man!"

The vamp pointed at a small form.

"Look what we caught!"

He pulled up the person's head. Angel winced as he saw Buffy's pale face, splattered with blood. He felt a primal anger welling inside of him. Vamped-out, he growled at the shocked vampire and landed a couple of hard punches on his face.

"Get the hell out of here! And tell your boss this isn't over yet!"

The other vampire and his three buddies ran off, terrified and confused at this apparent betrayal. Angel knelt down beside Buffy and caressed her cheek. He gasped in horror when he lifted up his hand, covered in blood. Buffy's blood. He tenderly cradled her in his arms and carried her back to Crawford Street.

He sighed deeply as he looked upon his former lover's face, she was still very pale. It was apparent she had taken quite some blows to the head. Angel moved over to his bed, where Buffy lay. He gently washed the blood away that caked to her face. Trying to detach himself from the scene, he stripped her down to her underwear and dressed her in one of his shirts. He almost smiled at the sight, but pain jolted through him at the remembrance of what had been done to her. Angel tucked in the sheets around her and slid down next to the bed. He could do nothing now, nothing but pray to a god he had stopped believing in 243 years ago.

Later that night, Angel heard a soft sigh.

"Buffy?", he whispered. "Come on, Buffy, wake up!"

Buffy turned slightly and moaned.

"Xander?"

Anger filled Angel at Xander's name coming from her lips. Had something...happened between Buffy and Xander? He suppressed the spark of jealousy that train of thoughts caused, and stroked her hair.

"Buffy? It's...it's Angel. Are you -"

Suddenly, she started clawing at the blanket.

"No! Noooo! Miss Calendar! NO!"

She let out a terrified scream. Angel ripped the sheets off the bed and gathered Buffy into his arms.

"Shhh...It'll be okay, it's all right, it's all right..."

She relaxed in his strong embrace. He continued to shush her. A tear slid down his face. As Buffy's cry resounded through his mind, he knew he was lying. It would never be okay.


* * *
Darkness. Mist. All around her. Clinging to her. The fog drifted away. Miss Calendar's face flashed before her. She smiled.

"Buffy, you need to wake up. Leave this place."

A horrible, monstrous face appeared behind her.

"Noooo! Miss Calendar! Not again!", Buffy cried out.

She saw Jenny's look of surprise as she turned around. The creature sank its fangs into her neck. With a feral, cry it ripped Calendar's neck out. Her body slumped to the floor, a twisted parody of the human being it once was. The dark mist contorted and formed Angel's handsome face.

"I'm back! You betrayed me!", he hissed.

"You failed me!"

"You failed us! All of us!", the creature, now wearing Jenny's face, joined in.

"Do you know what it feels like knowing your future has been ripped away from you because of some schoolgirl's stupid, selfish little crush? Ask Giles! I bet he knows!"

"I loved you!", Angel cried out, stretching out his arm.

As they advanced towards her, Buffy desperately tried to back away. Then a familiar warmth enfolded her and she slept.

Angel glanced over at Buffy. She hadn't moved all night, not since he'd held her. He had been extremely worried during the night, but now some of the color had returned to her face. Silently he made his way over to the bed and took her hand.

"Oh God, Buffy!", he sobbed. "What will I do if I lose you? If you leave me? No, God, no!"

He pressed her small, cold hand against his face.

"Come back, Buffy, don't leave me..." And his tears flowed freely.

Buffy's eyes fluttered open. The light, albeit very faint, still burned them and she quickly closed them again. She turned slightly, curling up under the covers. That thought jolted her awake. Where was she? What had happened to her? All she could remember was an ambush, vamps, excruciating pain and...blacking out.

"Huh. Note to self: Train more", she murmured.

Then Buffy felt someone coming towards her and opened her eyes. She screamed.

"NO!!! Angel! Don't! Don't hurt me!"

She scrambled to get out of bed and readied herself for the inevitable attack.

"Buffy! No!"

He grabbed her arms and pushed her back down on the bed. When he saw the fear in her eyes, his heart broke. She calmed down a bit.

"Buffy, it's okay, it's okay! I'm back."

At the sound of those words she cried out again. Angel put his hand over her mouth to get her to calm down. After a few moments, her cries turned to sobs and he removed his hand. He stroked her hair until she fell asleep.

This time, Buffy woke up to the sounds of a shower. Her head felt like it had been crushed under a ton of bricks, but she smiled when she felt Angel's presence nearby and sank back into the bed, closing her eyes. When she heard a door open, she looked up. Angel came in, still wet from his shower, clad only in a white towel that rested around his hips. Her gaze traveled up past his legs and came to rest on his ass. Her stomach clenched. On went her eyes, to become fixed on his strong, muscular back. Buffy smiled, looking at his hair, tousled and dripping. A drop fell down onto his back, leisurely crawling down his back, disappearing under the towel. The towel, together with Buffy's jaw, dropped. She made herself close her eyes, but still, a flash of a wonderful night with a horrible ending assaulted her memory. The tough Slayer blushed as she felt Angel walking right past her to the closet, pulling out a change of clothes. After putting them on, he turned back to the bed. She groaned, pretending to have just woken up.

"Angel?", she whispered.

A smile of delight crossed his features.

"You're awake!"

He sat down on the bed.

"God, Buffy, I was so afraid I'd lost you!"

"Um, s-so, w-what happened to me?"

"I-I went outside and I saw four vampires, they were beating you up, but they ran off when they saw me."

Buffy nodded slowly. He wrapped her into an embrace, burying his face into her shoulder.

"Oh, Buffy, I..."

Suddenly, she stiffened in his arms and pulled away. Hurt flickered in his chocolate brown eyes.

"I-I still feel very weak, I should probably get back to bed."

Angel nodded.

"Should- should I call your mom? Giles?"

Buffy shook her head.

"Mom went to Las Vegas for the gallery. And Giles has, well, he went back to England. He'll be back next week when school starts. He hasn't really been himself since..."

Her voice trailed off when she saw the guilt in Angel's eyes. He cupped her cheek and stood up.

"I'll patrol for you tonight. You need some rest, and it's time we let them know Angelus's gone."

She watched as he disappeared down the hall. She shivered. This place held so many memories for her. Buffy buried her head under the pillow.

Not long before sunrise, Angel came back. He stumbled towards the bed, checking if Buffy was still there. . He went into the kitchen, taking the opportunity to feed. He started when he felt a small hand on his back. Turning around, he saw a tired, bruised Buffy struggling to stand upright.

"Buffy! Go back to bed!", he scolded gently.

"Rough night, huh?", she whispered.

Angel nodded, leading her back to the bed.

"There's a new Leader in town. Salem. She's...one of Spike's ex-girlfriends."

She frowned.

"Then I have to stop her! I'm wasting time here! I have to..."

He pushed her down onto the bed.

"Forget it, Buff, you're not going anywhere till I'm sure you're better."

She protested weakly, but stopped when she saw the determined look on his face.

"There. Go to sleep. I'll be in the next room."

Buffy nodded and closed her eyes. Before Angel left the room, she called out to him softly.

"Angel? Will you...will you sleep here with me tonight?"

Seeing the wary look on his face, she added, "I've been having nightmares..."

He understood only too well. Buffy scooted over as Angel joined her, putting an arm around her shoulders. She rested her head on his chest. When he heard deep, relaxed breaths coming from her, he prayed it would all be over soon.

When he woke, the first thing Angel noticed was the small form curled up beside him. Wide-eyed, he looked down to see Buffy, head still resting on his chest, arms wrapped around his neck, leg slung over his own. She smiled in her sleep, pressing herself against him. He took in a sharp breath and practically jumped away from her touch. Sitting on the bed, he rubbed his eyes. How could he live like this? A tear ran down his cheek. He sobbed. If only he could have gone back to the moment in which he'd first laid eyes on her. Only now did he fully realize the impact of the choice he'd made that day. It had brought him both the best and the worst times of his so-called life. He was worth nothing. He was an animal only capable of hurting people, like he had done to Buffy with his selfish 'love'. He knew he was so beyond humanity that he was incapable of loving someone. He hated himself and the thing that he'd become.

Buffy raised her eyebrows, patting the empty spot beside her. Where was Angel? She would have thought she'd have heard him leave. Then her gaze fell on a shadowy figure, looking out of a window at the pale, cold moonlight.

"Angel!"

She breathed a sigh of relief. Just about to climb out of bed and join him, she noticed something was wrong. He had been crying.

"Angel?", she said softly, rising to meet him.

He turned around, embarrassed, tears still streaking his face.

"Buffy! Get away from me!", he cried out.

She out an arm around his waist, but he merely shook it off. "Angel? What's wrong?"

His head jerked up.

"What's wrong? What's *wrong*?! You're asking *me* what's wrong?!"

His demon face appeared.

"I wear a *mask*, Buffy! I'm no human, I'm a monster. An animal. Look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!"

He violently grabbed her arm and put her hand to his face. Frightened, she gasped.

"Angel! You're not..."

"Shut up! Don't try to tell me I'm human, I'm capable of *loving* someone! You of all people should know that's not true! I'm a-a thing, only able to kill and destroy. Do you know how many lives I have taken? How many hopes and dreams and futures I have *crushed* while it was only a game to me, Buffy?! Do you have any idea what that *feels* like?! Knowing you've got this evil inside of you, and not being able to stop it? Seeing the pain and the grief it causes?"

Crying herself, Buffy shook him.

"Angel! You know that's not true! That wasn't you!"

He scoffed at this.

"No, it wasn't! I know you, and I know you're not like that! That was Angelus, not the Angel I know!"

"No! I deserve this! This punishment, this torture! I'm not worth *anything*."

Turning away from her, he buried his face in his hands.

"I'm nothing, Buffy. I'm a wild beast, lashing out at everything around me."

She took his hands away and made him face her.

"You're a man, Angel. A human being. Someone who's capable of feeling love, hate, grief, pain, remorse, everything. You're not a beast, or a monster, or a thing. You're human, and regardless of what is inside of you, and of the times that has controlled you, you *are* someone."

He pulled away.

"I don't deserve you, Buffy. I never have. Not even when I tried to kid myself into thinking you could ever love me. See my true face and hold me."

Anger flared inside of her.

"Don't you say that! Don't you *dare* say that, Angel! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me! You're the one. I gave you *everything*, everything that I am. And if you think I would do *that* to someone who wasn't worthy, then you really don't know me, Angel. Then you really don't!"

She pulled him into an embrace.

"I don't deserve you, Buffy. I can't be around you", he said quietly, nuzzling her neck. (Okay, I'm sorry, I like this sentence too much to change it, but just for the record, he's not hungry! )

"Why not, Angel? Why not? Why wouldn't you deserve to be a part of someone's life? Of my life?!", she said, furious that he would think so little of himself.

He moved to look her in the eye.

"B-because when I am, all I still can ever think about, is kissing you."

He closed his eyes, more tears streaming down his face. Buffy lifted up his chin.

"Close your eyes.", she said softly.

She tenderly planted a chaste kiss on his lips. As the kiss turned more passionate, he pulled away. He averted his gaze.

"Buffy. We can't. We can't be together, not the way I want us to be. Move on, Buff, I can never be there for you. Find someone else to make you happy. You deserve that."

Buffy laughed softly.

"Angel, don't you know by now that the only person I could ever be with, share my life with, is you?", she mock-chastised him. "You've spoiled me for other men. Vampires. Whatever."

Through the remnants of their tears, they laughed softly. He gazed at her. The mood turned serious again.

"God, Buffy, I love you. More than anything."

She smiled.

"And I love you, Angel."

Their second kiss was a thousand times more passionate. So was the third. And the ones that came after that. And all was healed.

The End


* * *
I know, I know, a very light ending! Well, they certainly deserved it what with all the angst! I hope you liked it. I know I did. Tell me at: koper.johnson@consunet.nl God! I was just re-reading this! I have *such* a dirty mind. Tell me I’m not alone at koper.johnson@consunet.nl ! Thanks for reading!


This story archived at: The Slayer\'s Fanfic Archive
The Slayer\\\\\\\\'s FanFic Archive - http://www.slayerfanfic.com/viewstory.php?sid=5197