Angel Season Five: Recap: Angel Season Five: Recap
by Oceana
Disclaimer: Shockingly enough, I don’t own anything. Am petitioning Joss Whedon about it, since I’m pretty sure I’d be a lot happier in my daily life if I did.
Also, thanks to beta reader Lamiel, my sister (apparently our parents have odd taste in names). She adds polish to my Works of Genius (a.k.a., stories written in a borrowed format using someone else’s plot and characters).
And, in case it matters, real people names Joss Whedon and Amy Acker are used only in reference to their role on "Angel" (creator and actor) and are not meant to imply anything about their personalities or them as people.
A decent line of the season:
ANGEL: People who don’t care about anything will never understand the people who do.
HAMILTON: Yeah, but we won’t care.
Angel Season Five: Recap
It’s late at NIGHT in an ALLEY and a YOUNG WOMAN is being ATTACKED by VAMPIRES.
ANGEL
Just when I was looking for a chance to do my Batman
impression!
ANGEL swoops down and SAVES the TYPICAL EXTRA.
ANGEL
For I am the anonymous, dark, tortured soul-having hero.
MINIONS
And he’s CEO of the biggest corporation in LA!! We’re his minions.
ANGEL
I hate my minions.
WESLEY
Fred, can an entire episode be written out of exposition?
FRED
Looks like it.
CREATOR JOSS WHEDON
This is to explain to the Larger Audience we’ve attracted with our zesty fear-of-being-cancelled begging.
LARGER AUDIENCE
Why is a woman on the show named “Fred”?
AUDIENCE
We’re just waiting for when Spike shows up. We know he’s coming. He was in the opening credits.
KNOX
And I’m here to hit on Fred!
WESLEY
I’m beginning to suspect my unrequited love for her is
part of a bigger plan to keep me in perpetual torment.
JOSS WHEDON
Oh, you figured that out?
GUNN
Wesley, let’s talk about how out of place we feel in the big corporate law firm.
WESLEY
For all the people who haven’t caught on yet.
LORNE
I’ve found my purpose!
LORNE was born to be a CELEB WHORE.
AUDIENCE
Well yeah.
EVE
I’m your liaison to the great demons in the sky, annoying young woman that I am.
AUDIENCE
Go on Angel, you can kill her. One more won’t hurt.
EVE
Keep compromising with evil and you’ll make the world a better place.
ANGEL
That sounds like a plan with no possible flaws.
GUNN
I grew up on the streets, killing vampires with my gang of friends.
AUDIENCE
Fascinating. We had no idea.
JOSS WHEDON
You have to respect the Larger Audience.
HARMONY
I’m Angel’s vampire secretary!
AUDIENCE
Why??
WESLEY
I hired her for no fathomable reason. But look, she adds humor.
ANGEL
Can she type?
WESLEY
Cordelia’s in a coma for reasons much too far-fetched for our Larger Audience to understand.
LARGER AUDIENCE
Who’s Cordelia?
FRED
Lorne can read minds when people sing.
AUDIENCE
Mm-hmm. So, when’s Spike showing up? Seriously.
GUNN
Letting the largest, evilest corporation in the world do extensive alterations on my brain feels like the smart thing to do.
GUNN becomes a SUPER-LAWYER.
ANGEL
I should explain to the Larger Audience that I had a son and that I gave him up, altering his memory and the memories of my friends.
LARGER AUDIENCE
You’re just confusing us now.
ANGEL
I’m gonna unnecessarily kill a human.
AUDIENCE
That seems like it would be a big deal on this show. Given its premise and all.
It isn’t.
SPIKE makes an original entrance.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
ANGEL
Spike gets Fan Girls? Since when does he get Fan Girls?
SPIKE is TRAUMATIZED and CONFUSED.
SPIKE
I was burned up in Sunnydale…
AUDIENCE
We thought so.
ANGEL
I’m good looking too you know.
SPIKE
I’m not certain I like my new ability to walk through walls.
ANGEL uses SPIKE’S traumatic return from the dead as a CHANCE TO BE PETTY.
ANGEL
Buffy so loved me more than Spike. Only me. Always me. Stupid dustman.
AUDIENCE
Well you’re clearly a pre-destined champion of the people.
FRED
Spike’s not a ghost because my tricorder says he’s not.
SPIKE
Yet it’s funny how I used to take not disappearing into thin air at random intervals for granted.
ANGEL
Surely you see how this is an improvement.
Like so many of televisions non-corporeal beings, SPIKE is able to sit on chairs, desks, pretty much anything he wants.
AUDIENCE
How how how does someone on the set not notice that this doesn’t make any sense??
SPIKE
Maybe it’s a downward thing. Notice how I don’t fall through the floors either.
SPIKE learns he is incapable of leaving LA in his non-corporeal state.
SPIKE
Nothing to do except follow Angel around insulting him.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
AUDIENCE
Well surely his character will be given more to do soon.
ANGEL
For the record, I’m the one with epic romance, a dark brooding past and a heroic prophecy I must unwillingly fulfill. I should get squees.
AUDIENCE
How is it you have your own show again?
SPIKE pretends to try to take over ANGEL’S body and thereby his life.
SPIKE
But actually the two of us overcame our differences and were working together to stop a bad guy.
AUDIENCE immediately tries – and fails – to figure out when exactly during the episode they came up with this plan.
SPIKE
Say, Fred, I’m being sucked into Hell. It’s freaking me out. Wanted to mention.
FRED
Well saving you is my first priority. Right after I devote everything to trying to help a werewolf girl for who my particular skills probably aren’t much good.
AUDIENCE
You’d think after eight years the Buffyverse people would
figure out how to do werewolf make up, or just stop trying.
WEREWOLF GIRL is served on a platter to RICH MEANIES.
ANGEL
I’ll save her! For I am a heroic handsome man!
FAN GIRLS still don’t squee.
The episode AFTER the one about a WOMAN being STRIPPED NAKED and BEATEN features a WARNING for VIOLENCE and NUDITY.
SPIKE
I just learned about the Shanshu Prophecy. Maybe Angel’s heroic destiny is actually mine? I mean, just because he’s the title character doesn’t mean anything, right?
AUDIENCE
We admire your optimism.
SPIKE is put in a DARK BASEMENT, ALONE, TERRIFIED and NAKED.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
AUDIENCE
It’s like they’re writing our fan fiction for us.
FRED
I’ll work night and day to save the beautiful naked man!
ALL OTHER CHARACTERS
We know Spike’s being sucked into Hell. We just don’t care.
AUDIENCE
Well aren’t you the good guys.
ANGEL
I’m gonna go to Hell too!
The FAN GIRLS sort of smile politely.
PAVAYNE
Spike must choose between saving himself or Fred!
SPIKE
Having a soul now means I choose Fred. Cause I’m surprisingly heroic.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
ANGEL
Sigh.
PAVAYNE is put in a BOX. SPIKE is stuck as a NON-CORPOREAL FREAK.
SPIKE
But if I concentrate really hard, I can touch and move objects. And sitting down is still a given.
Halloween happens. Lorne does speed.
LORNE
I feel like imitating a Buffy episode!
LORNE unwittingly gives himself the power to control others with his words. Somewhere, WILLOW coughs.
LORNE
Well that led to humor and accidental vengeance. Guess I’ll start sleeping again.
ANGEL
I lost my will to be a hero. Sigh. Brood brood.
NUMERO CINCO
Hey, we have something in common! Suicide pact?
ANGEL
Okey-doke.
NUMERO CINCO kills himself, but in a heroic sort of way. This inspires ANGEL to brood with more enthusiasm – or is it less? – regardless, he feels like being a hero again.
WESLEY’S FATHER appears.
ROGER WYNDAM-PRYCE
It’s pretty clear I’m responsible for Wesley’s traumatic childhood.
JOSS WHEDON
Who can blame you? If he didn’t want to be tortured, he wouldn’t have been born, I figure.
WESLEY shoots his FATHER. Repeatedly. He empties an entire clip into him.
WESLEY
Well, didn’t know I was capable of that.
WESLEY gets lucky since it turns out his FATHER was a ROBOT sent to steal ANGEL’S FREE WILL.
AUDIENCE
Some people catch all the breaks.
ANGEL
Knowing Wesley would kill his own father helps me come to terms with the fact that he kidnapped my son.
AUDIENCE
Funny. I think it would make me trust him less.
WESLEY tells FRED he loves her for probably the umpteenth time. Both pretend he’s never done this before, then she leaves with KNOX.
WESLEY
All in all, I’ve had a pretty crappy day.
JOSS WHEDON
Cry baby.
SPIKE takes to shouting details of his personal trauma to any who will listen.
AUDIENCE
And to think, on the other show, he never told anyone.
Not even Buffy.
WRITERS
Well this show sees the comedic value of incest.
FLASHBACK happens.
EARLY ANGEL flirts with EARLY SPIKE.
AUDIENCE
Well of course.
A FLASH OF LIGHT makes SPIKE CORPOREAL.
SPIKE
Let’s hear it for convenient plot developments!
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
SPIKE has SEX with HARMONY – the nearest FAN GIRL available – as a REFLEX.
HARMONY
It took possession and bleeding from my eyes, but I finally
stood up to Spike!
Other office people follow suit.
With the bleeding eyes and possession thing. Not standing up to SPIKE.
Though they probably would if they knew him better.
EVE
The fact that Spike and Angel are both corporeal vampires with souls throws the universe out of whack.
AUDIENCE
That makes no sense whatsoever but what the heck, we’ll buy it!
SPIKE and ANGEL seize the CHANCE TO BE PETTY.
ANGEL
I’m the hero!
SPIKE
No I’m the hero!
ANGEL
I slept with your girlfriend!
SPIKE
Well I slept with yours!
AUDIENCE
We’re starting to suspect neither one of you is the hero.
SPIKE drinks MOUNTAIN DEW, thereby making ANGEL feel SAD.
ANGEL
I never get to drink soda.
GREAT DEMONS IN THE SKY supposedly BALANCE the UNIVERSE.
ANGEL
I think Spike might be the hero. Fret fret.
EVE
For reasons that are beyond stupid, I threw the universe out of whack with my boyfriend Lindsey. Then I put it back. It’s not really important how I managed that one.
LARGER AUDIENCE
Oh look. Another attractive naked man. What a surprise.
AUDIENCE
Lindsey’s back!
HARMONY
Anyone ever wonder what a day in my un-life is like?
AUDIENCE
Not really.
We find out anyway.
SPIKE
I’m going to travel across the world to find Buffy and tell her I came back from the dead so now we can renew our romance!
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
ANGEL
Stupid Spuffy fans.
SPIKE doesn’t go.
SPIKE
She’d probably just be disappointed I came back from the dead.
AUDIENCE
Somehow we don’t think “disappointment” is the word.
LINDSEY
Hey Spike, I’m responsible for sending you to Wolfram and Hart and making you corporeal! Go me!
SPIKE
Any particular reason why?
LINDSEY
Apparently not. Now, let’s re-enact the pilot episode of “Angel”. You be him and I’ll play Doyle. “I have painful visions of people you must save”.
SPIKE
“I’ll save them while living in a squalid apartment and feeling haunted by my love for Buffy”. Hey, this is kind of fun.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
ANGEL dreams that SPIKE is the HERO. It just about does him in.
AUDIENCE
Given the number of times dreams have almost killed people in Buffyverse, you’d think the characters would stop taking naps.
ANGEL
Eve is responsible for my bad dreams! I can tell by her small, indistinguishable earrings!
AUDIENCE
Angel always did have a keen fashion sense.
Then we meet DANA: The Psychotic Vampire Slayer.
ANDREW
I was sent since I was the funniest Buffy character available to recap the Buffy series finale.
ANGEL CAST
You’d think running Wolfram and Hart, we’d know all the potential Slayers in the world had been called, but we don’t.
AUDIENCE
Still, it does seem like the sort of thing Buffy would have mentioned. Like when she told Angel she was moving to Europe and that Spike had died. Or heck, Spike could mention it himself, since he’s there.
ANGEL
No time to dwell on inaccuracies! We’ve got a Slayer to catch!
AUDIENCE
And just how did you all know about the Watcher’s Council blowing up without knowing about the Slayers?
ANGEL
La la la, I can’t hear you.
AUDIENCE is quieted once SPIKE is TORTURED in a BASEMENT again.
SPIKE
Maybe I should rethink entering basements.
DANA
You killed my family and tortured me for months when I was a little girl. So I cut off your hands.
AUDIENCE
Well, there is a level of poetic justice to it all. Though we kind of like Spike having hands.
SPIKE
So do I.
Turns out, SPIKE didn’t torture DANA (though her story is REMARKABLY SIMILAR to an exploit he told DAWN about in BUFFY SEASON FIVE, if anyone cares).
SPIKE is rescued and given back his hands.
AUDIENCE
Hurray for improbable health care!
ANDREW
I’ll be taking Dana away with this army of Slayers I picked up.
ANGEL
Darn your impressive display of Woman Power!
A WOLFRAM AND HART client kills NUNS.
ANGEL
Hey! That’s my shtick!
ANGEL decides to quit WOLFRAM AND HART.
CORDELIA wakes up from her COMA.
ANGEL
You know how I said I was “quitting”? By that I meant I would defend being CEO ardently and try to convince others that working here is a good idea.
AUDIENCE
Apparently.
CORDELIA
Well vessel to the Powers That Be that I am, maybe you should listen when I tell you working here will corrupt and destroy you.
ANGEL
That’s what I thought. But hearing you say it, I think I’ll stay.
CORDELIA
Angel, let’s mention Doyle for the first time in four years.
ANGEL
He was adorable and Hobbit-like.
AUDIENCE WHO SAW THE FIRST
FEW EPISODES OF SEASON ONE
We still miss him.
SPIKE
Hey guys! It’s the weirdest thing! This guy named Doyle told me I was a pre-destined champion of the people and he has these visions of people in danger!
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
LINDSEY
Thinking about it now, maybe I should have told him a different name.
CORDELIA
Lindsey’s tattoos keep the Senior Partners from knowing where he is and punishing him for trying to kill Angel.
LARGER AUDIENCE
Why is a man on the show named “Lindsey”?
SPIKE single-handedly takes out an ARMY of ZOMBIES. No one seems to care.
LINDSEY
I have super-powers now! Time to take off my shirt!
ANGEL and LINDSEY have a SWORD FIGHT. It features much jumping.
ANGEL AND LINDSEY
Let’s give a scene-by-scene recap of the pilot episode while we fight. ‘Cause gosh we’re nostalgic.
LINDSEY pauses to gloat over ANGEL before he’s done any real damage to him. Surprise surprise, he loses the fight.
ANGEL GANG
Spells can remove tattoos much more effectively than laser surgery. Plus it looks way cool.
SENIOR PARTNERS go ahead and swallow LINDSEY up.
ANGEL
And Eve is so out of the group.
CORDELIA
Angel and I finally share our first kiss!
AUDIENCE
Just when we’d almost made it through the entire series…
Then it turns out CORDELIA is actually DEAD, so the AUDIENCE is a little more forgiving.
Go to a NAZI SUBMARINE in the FORTIES.
AUDIENCE
Okaay…
We get a quiet episode about ANGEL and SPIKE on a boat. Kind of poetic.
ANGEL
Plus we meet early Initiative guys, for people who like in-references.
GUNN
And I’m starting to lose my super-lawyer powers. Pout pout.
A TV SHOW makes CHILDREN smile FREAKY.
AUDIENCE
Scary, scary image.
ANGEL is turned into a PUPPET. Words cannot describe how funny this is.
PUPPET-ANGEL beats the HECK out of SPIKE.
AUDIENCE
But…but…
SPIKE, the AUDIENCE is sad to learn, is now, officially, COMIC RELIEF. This means he loses about 30% of the respect he was previously given.
ANGEL
Ha! Squee for him now!
GUNN
I feel it is prudent to sign an ominous piece of paper presented by this ominous evil doctor in order to get my super-lawyer powers back.
AUDIENCE
We aren’t really paying attention.
PUPPET-ANGEL gets together with NINA WEREWOLF.
AUDIENCE
We’re okay with this because no one is claiming she’s
his epic one true love. Hint Cordelia, hint.
WESLEY and FRED get together. FINALLY.
AUDIENCE
Hurray!
JOSS WHEDON
Heh heh.
SPIKE
I decided to leave town again. Look at me, I’m going, I’m walking out the door, I’m leaving…
AUDIENCE
Right.
WESLEY and FRED are sweet, lovey, and a little nauseating.
GUNN
Hey, Wes, Fred and I are getting back together!
AUDIENCE
Sss!
GUNN
Just kidding.
AUDIENCE
Not even funny.
JOSS WHEDON
Don’t worry, Fred’s not leaving Wesley, she’s just getting her organs liquefied and her soul completely destroyed. Go for the pain, I always say.
WESLEY
Surely it’s a coincidence this happened within a week of our finally getting together.
JOSS WHEDON
Wesley’s so cute and naïve.
SPIKE
I think I’ll stick around a little while longer.
KNOX
I had a huge part in Fred’s dying, which probably means she was right not to date me.
ANGEL AND SPIKE
Hey, look, there’s a hole that goes straight through the world. Learn something new every day.
DROGAN
If you save Fred, tens of thousands of others will die.
ANGEL
There’s always a catch.
WESLEY shoots someone in the leg.
AUDIENCE
That seems a little excessive.
FRED dies. Ancient god ILLYRIA inhabits her body.
ILLYRIA
Blue is the new vogue.
AMY ACKER
I am such a better actress than anyone ever imagined.
AUDIENCE
Seriously.
WESLEY
I think I’ll go on a killing spree.
WESLEY kills the DOCTOR, stabs GUNN and shoots KNOX.
AUDIENCE
Maybe they should think about taking away his gun.
GUNN doesn’t die since he’s a MAIN CHARACTER.
ILLYRIA
Time to raise my army and kill all the humans.
ARMY
You missed our expiration date by about 20,000 years. We turned into ashes. Sorry.
One more reason not to put things off.
ILLYRIA
Well at least I still have super-powers and can manipulate time. Not to mention my sex appeal is way up.
WESLEY chooses to hang out with the POSSESSED CORPSE of his DEAD GIRLFRIEND.
WESLEY
Since I might be criminally insane at this point. No one’s sure.
JOSS WHEDON
Success!
EVE
You have to break Lindsey out of a hell dimension. ‘Cause.
ANGEL
Okay!
ANGEL, SPIKE and GUNN go to save LINDSEY from the SUBURBS.
EVE
Lorne and Harmony have to risk their lives to protect me from the Matrix Agent.
LORNE AND HARMONY
Well, our characters really had nothing better to do.
ILLYRIA and WESLEY take the time to WAX PHILOSOPHICAL about the NATURE of LIFE.
AUDIENCE
Pretty!
SPIKE
Hey! There’s a scary basement! Let’s go in!
They do. Bad things happen. SPIKE still doesn’t learn.
GUNN
I’m gonna stay in the hell dimension as penance for inadvertently helping to kill Fred. By having my heart ripped out repeatedly, I will improve the world.
EVE signs away her SPECIAL PRIVILEGES to the MATRIX AGENT.
EVE
See, I had you risking your lives so I could stay immortal. Too bad you failed, lousy protectors.
AUDIENCE
How many folks died leading up to this anticlimactic twist?
MATRIX AGENT
My name is Marcus Hamilton, I’ll be taking Eve’s place as the person who doesn’t tell you things about the Senior Partners. Feel strangely apathetic about me.
AUDIENCE
Check.
HAMILTON implies there’s a reason SPIKE keeps STICKING AROUND.
There isn’t.
ILLYRIA
Poem on a rooftop.
If I go to another dimension
In this body’s pretension
Everyone will kill me.
WESLEY
Yeah. Dig it.
LINDSEY
You guys brought me out of hell so I could tell you that the End of the World is when people stop caring about bad things and just accept them as is.
AUDIENCE
Intelligent social commentary? We knew there was a reason we liked this show.
ANGEL
Let’s have Illyria beat Spike up for laughs.
SPIKE
I’m game!
AUDIENCE
He used to be cool…
CONNOR shows up.
ANGEL
Aah! Storyline from a different season!
ANGEL and HAMILTON recap CONNOR about five dozen times.
AUDIENCE
And to think, some of us actually saw the last two seasons.
WESLEY continues to explore the effects of ALCOHOL when consumed in LARGE QUANTITIES. Cause he’s cracked.
DEMON
Connor has to kill Sahjhan for me or I’ll give him back all the bad memories that made him such a psycho.
ANGEL
We won’t bother explaining Sahjhan, though I will take false credit for putting him in the jar.
AUDIENCE
Hey, it’s Connor being happy. Check it out.
WESLEY
Angel altered everyone’s memories? He must have made a deal to kill Fred!
AUDIENCE
Maybe you should try thinking this over when you’re sober, Wes. Just a thought.
HAMILTON offers to rescue GUNN from the HELL DIMENSION.
GUNN
I’d rather find out what happens after I’m strapped on a
table with a demon standing over me with a big knife than make a deal with you.
AUDIENCE
Way to be moral Gunn.
ILLYRIA and WESLEY take the time to WAX PHILOSOPHICAL about the NATURE of MEMORY.
AUDIENCE
You know, we liked Fred and all, but she definitely lacked in the poetic verse department. We see this now.
WESLEY
If I break this jar, Fred will come back!
FRED doesn’t come back. All of WESLEY’S worst memories do instead.
JOSS WHEDON
Ha ha! Fooled you!
WESLEY
My life is actually much worse than I imagined possible. Oh.
CONNOR
My real memories enable me to kill Sahjhan. My false memories enable me to be happy about it.
CONNOR goes away.
ILLYRIA saves GUNN from the HELL DIMENSION.
ILLYRIA
Because I can.
GUNN
I’ve discovered Wesley is completely and utterly off his gourd. Anyone else concerned about this?
AUDIENCE
Anyone concerned he’s running a major department of a powerful corporation? Or that he still has a gun?
SPIKE’S fighting ability has actually improved from the continuous ILLYRIA beatings.
SPIKE
Hey! I almost look cool again!
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
ANGEL
Wesley feels Illyria is all he has left of Fred. He should be the one to kill her.
HAMILTON
I agree. Forthwith.
WESLEY
Am I being picked on?
JOSS WHEDON bursts into laughter. A disturbed AUDIENCE slowly backs away.
ILLYRIA takes to jumping back and forth through time.
ILLYRIA
Allow me to rant about this experience in poetic verse. Now I’ll kill everyone before they kill me.
ALL the MAIN CHARACTERS DIE.
It’s FASCINATING. Just like when they did it on BUFFY.
ANGEL gets sucked into the TIME JUMPING with ILLYRIA.
ANGEL
This is convenient.
ANGEL gets to stop ILLYRIA from killing everyone.
WESLEY
Amazingly, I lied about saying I’d kill Illyria.
WESLEY sucks out her powers with his device instead, thereby stopping her from exploding and destroying LA.
ANGEL
I feel moved to give a woman’s baby to a tribe of demons for ritual sacrifice.
AUDIENCE
Hm…that doesn’t seem noble…
GUNN
Someone has to go to Italy or a demon tribe will launch war on LA. For no given reason it has to be either Angel or Spike.
ANGEL AND SPIKE
Well let the demons attack. We don’t care.
ANGEL
Wait…Buffy’s in Italy!
ANGEL and SPIKE both go.
ANDREW
I’m here because, again, I was the only Buffy character available. Buffy’s dating the Immortal – the guy who’s, you know, better than both of you in every way.
ANGEL and SPIKE celebrate another CHANCE TO BE PETTY.
WESLEY
Illyria is sad because she can’t talk to plants, affect time or hop through alternate dimensions anymore. Plus she’s no longer invulnerable. Poor hell god.
AUDIENCE
She’s like Glory, only with a better personality and no ability to destroy the world. Nifty!
FRED’S PARENTS show up.
BERKELS
We came to illustrate the fact that no one ever tells people when their child dies in Buffyverse.
WESLEY
Well if you think we’ll tell you now, you’re mistaken.
ILLYRIA impersonates FRED. It’s a little disconcerting.
SPIKE and ANGEL have a KNOCK OUT FIGHT with a TRIBE of DEMONS in the SAME BAR as BUFFY. She doesn’t notice.
SPIKE’S coat gets blown up. Not cool.
ITALIAN WOLFRAM AND HART
Here’s ten exactly like it.
AUDIENCE
That actually makes it worse.
ANDREW
And – just like Samwise Gamgee at the end of “Return of the King” – I have an unexpected streak of heterosexuality!
AUDIENCE
Why?
ILLYRIA
I have a crush on Wesley. How’s that for a love triangle? Now, if I present if myself as Fred, surely he will sleep with me.
WESLEY
Um, NO.
ANGEL sleeps with NINA.
AUDIENCE
We thought he had a girlfriend.
WESLEY stops speaking to ILLYRIA.
ILLYRIA
Did I do something wrong?
AUDIENCE
Maybe a little.
SPIKE
I’ll start hanging out with Illyria now, since someone should keep the ancient hell god company.
ANGEL
Check it out, I’ve got a new motto: Let innocents die, help the powerful and evil. What do you think?
ANGEL GANG
Um…
AUDIENCE
It could be catchier.
DROGAN
You know that Gray Area you folks have been talking about all season? It doesn’t exist. I’m pure good, and Angel’s pure evil now, he had Fred killed.
AUDIENCE
Huh.
ANGEL
Nina, I want you and the people you care about to go far far away now. No reason.
NINA
I wasn’t really a developed character anyway.
DROGAN and ILLYRIA play a VIDEO GAME.
AUDIENCE
This is just spectacular.
HAMILTON appears and BEATS UP ILLYRIA, which, honestly, no one thought was possible.
AUDIENCE
Say, he’s kind of scary.
LINDSEY
Angel had Fred killed so he could get into the Circle of the Blackthorn. Think of them as the associate producers of Evil.
ANGEL
Now all I gotta do is kill Drogan and…I’m in!
AUDIENCE
What do you bet this is part of a plot to take it down from the inside?
ANGEL
It’s part of a plot to take it down from the inside.
AUDIENCE
Ha!
ANGEL GANG
Wouldn’t it be funny if we didn’t help? Just kidding, we’re in.
CIRCLE OF THE BLACKTHORN
Just in case this is part of a plot to take us down from the inside, we’d like Angel to give up the Shanshu prophecy.
ANGEL
Well there went that thing we’ve been talking about for the last four years.
AUDIENCE
Hero.
ANGEL
Lindsey, want to join forces with me?
LINDSEY
I was gonna try and kill you again, but…oh, what the heck!
ANGEL
While it would seem that the ultimate apocalyptic battle against evil would interest the thousands strong Slayer army Buffy raised, it would make better television if just our characters handled it.
“ANGEL” CHARACTERS
We’ll prepare for death now.
LORNE sings.
ANGEL visits CONNOR.
SPIKE reads a poem he wrote and then tore up over a hundred years ago. He gets APPLAUSE.
AUDIENCE
Good for him.
SPIKE
I feel moved to tell another group of strangers about the traumatizing incident with my mom!
AUDIENCE
Just, why?
GUNN helps his favorite CHARITY.
WESLEY sits in a dark room and BROODS.
ILLYRIA
Want to try my sex idea?
WESLEY
That would just be disturbing.
AUDIENCE
Thank you.
ANGEL
Okay everyone, let’s go right all the wrongs I’ve been committing for the past few episodes!
WESLEY
I am clearly going to die.
AUDIENCE
We’re in denial.
HARMONY
I’m sleeping with Hamilton and revealing Angel’s secret plot. See, I have a purpose.
HAMILTON and ANGEL have an AWESOME FIGHT as an excuse to DESTROY the SET.
AUDIENCE
Didn’t Hamilton totally beat Illyria in like five seconds flat?
JOSS WHEDON AND JEFFREY BELL
Yes, Angel’s survival is clearly the most unrealistic aspect of the vampire/Matrix Agent fight.
AUDIENCE
Well…
WESLEY is stabbed by the BAD GUY he was supposed to KILL.
JOSS WHEDON
Failure.
ILLYRIA shows up to do a POIGNANT DEATH SCENE with him.
AUDIENCE
We’re still in denial.
WESLEY
Maybe now I can finally find peace.
JOSS WHEDON
What do you bet I have a movie and/or miniseries that features him in hell?
ILLYRIA avenges WESLEY’S death in no time flat. Unbelievably cool.
CONNOR shows up to help ANGEL fight HAMILTON.
AUDIENCE
We’re still not used to his ability to smile.
LINDSEY and LORNE enjoy the fact that they didn’t die.
LORNE
Or, at least, I do.
LORNE shoots LINDSEY.
AUDIENCE
This season certainly has a thing for guns.
LORNE
That does it. I’m leaving the series.
AUDIENCE
But there’s a whole five minutes left!
ANGEL is still fighting HAMILTON.
ANGEL
Awful nice of him to let me drink the blood out of his body like that. Now I win. You go away and not die Connor.
CONNOR
But daaad!
The building decides to do a DAVID LYNCH MOVIE impression.
CONNOR
Okay then.
ANGEL
To the alley of the pilot episode!
AUDIENCE
They really want us to watch the pilot episode.
JOSS WHEDON
Would you already?
SPIKE
Hey, I’m not a ball of sunshine. That’s a plus.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
GUNN shows up, mortally wounded.
GUNN
I probably get stabbed more than most people.
AUDIENCE
Pincushion.
ILLYRIA
Look at all the legions of monsters headed this way.
ANGEL
Hey, it’s the dragon from the Buffy Season Five finale!
Series ends.
AUDIENCE
Either all the main characters died and legions of monsters were unleashed on Earth, or there’s going to be a follow-up movie and/or miniseries.
JOSS WHEDON
Pretty much.
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