Goodbye To You: Goodbye To You
by inlovewithangel
//Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by//


He told me he was going. The mournful expression and unaccepted apology on his face in those moments before he turned around were not unexpected. But, I didn’t really give away any of the pain I really felt. No tears, no cries of rage. He walked away, and I just looked on, unable to move, unable to think.


//I’ve been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I’m hearing are starting to get old//


He told me time and time again what his reasons for leaving were. “I can’t take you into the sunlight, I can’t make love to you, I can’t grow old with you…” He repeated them over and over, like he wanted to hammer them into my mind, set them in stone. I think he wanted me to understand why, because then maybe it would be easier for he himself to do what he felt he had to.


//It feels like I’m starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend.//


I was so hurt. So betrayed. Three years of my life, the most joyous and most painful all at once, were over with one man simply turning his back and disappearing into the smoke and mist of my destroyed high school. I realized then, I think, that I was so incredibly tired. I didn’t have energy to bend down and pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I couldn’t meld them back together—I was too damn exhausted. Enter Parker Abrams…


//And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to//


Angel was the man that I thought would always be there, and I’d fought so long and so hard to keep him with me. Even after the most wonderful night of my life finished with the release of a vicious murderer, I couldn’t imagine life without him. Even after every battle we’d had to endure, every friendship I’d compromised because of mine and the vampire’s relationship, I’d never believed that Angel’s and my time was finished. And yet, he ended it…


//I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light//


Even these years later, when I’ve been with other men, who I have liked or not liked, enjoyed or not enjoyed, I know that there is only one person who can truly fill that void inside of my chest, and that person is unfortunately not a person at all…


//But it's not right//


It’s never right. Either it’s not the right time, or the right place. It’s not the right situation or the right feelings, it’s never right. But… it always makes sense. It’s always the most natural thing in the world, this un-right wrongness.


//Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to//


It’s not fair, but then again it never was. The only thing that ever fit in my life filled with grief and tragedy was him. The way he never tried to shield me from the world, only offered support when the pain became too much. The way he made my Calling seem manageable. He was the match. The balance between Buffy Summers, and the Slayer. And he walked away. And I let him.


//And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time//


I don’t know why I stood there, paralyzed by anger and exhaustion. Why I didn’t run to him, scream at him to stop being stupid, to stay with me. Why didn’t I tell him all the things I—he—needed to hear? That I wanted him, needed him, wasn’t complete without him? I often wonder now, does he know? Does he realize I still mourn for him? I, at once, hope he knows and I hope he has no clue. I guess a part of me did want the sunlight, the sex. The scared part. The pathetically human part of me. The part that was too terrified to face not only a destiny filled with pain, but a relationship.


//Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to//


Sometimes, it’s hard for me to let go of guilt. If I didn’t feel like going out patrolling one night, and an innocent young mother was mauled to death by some demon as a result of my laziness, it’s always incredibly difficult to forgive myself. But there is nothing in this world that I blame myself for, than letting that man walk away. If only—if only—I had called his name, put his lips on mine and explained… he would’ve stayed, and everything would be better now. But, what’s done is done, and cannot be undone.


//And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star.//


Somewhere, deep in my soul, I know that Angel’s and my story isn’t finished. I tell myself it is, a lot, just to get through the day sometimes. But it’s a lie. There is too much history, too much love that can’t be erased by simple solutions such as time and distance. I’m both looking forward to Angel’s and my next meeting, and dreading it. I want so much to come of it, and I hope for myself and him that it will. And even if some miracle lends itself to my life, and Angel and I are able to live the happily ever after dream, I will always wonder why I let him walk away. I’m only twenty one, I’m not a grown up yet. I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes: stupid Teenager mistakes and stupid Slayer mistakes. But the biggest mistake I have ever made is letting him go. Letting him tell me, without even saying it out loud, Goodbye.


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