Fumbling Towards Ecstasy: Unraveled: Part Five
by Erana Zeitler
"I take it we've reached a verdict?" Buffy asked, watching Giles as he walked towards her. She looked up to see Mr. Howard, who had just stormed out of his office, standing with his arms folded while patiently waiting for Giles to be seated.
Giles nodded. "Yes," he replied shortly, reaching out to take her hand in a silent show of support. Buffy closed her eyes for a moment, then waited, knowing damn well what Mr. Howard was going to say.
"I know I said you had a week to explain yourselves," he said simply. "However, I believe I've heard enough. Miss Summers, for now and forever, Kendra is the vampire Slayer. Now, please leave. Tomorrow night, in deference to the vampire, I will have Mr. Arthur take you back to California."
"And you thought Xander was predjudiced," Willow whispered to Angel in an attempt to calm him slightly; his hand was gripping the edge of the seat rather tightly after Mr. Howard's 'the vampire' comment. She watched as Mr. Howard walked back towards his office and then turned to Buffy. "You okay?" Willow asked her.
"Oh, just peachy," Buffy replied tightly, standing. "So . . . this is it?" she asked Giles. "I mean . . . can't we appeal?"
Giles shook his head, knowing that the full implications of what Mr. Howard had just said hadn't hit Buffy yet. "I'm afraid not," he answered. "If it's any consolation I'm no longer a watcher, either."
"Oh, yeah, I'm consoled," Buffy muttered, staring at the closed office door. "Angel, if you really want to kill him, ya know, I'm not going to stop you or be mad at you or anything."
Angel gave her a half smile as he stood as well. "Like I told Xander, Buffy, please, don't tempt me."
"If you do decide to kill him, let me know," Giles said to Angel. "I'd be happy to help."
"So would I," Willow added, causing them to look at her in surprise. She smiled slightly. "Sorry, I really don't like him," she muttered.
"Well . . . " Giles said, looking around at the Watcher Council headquarters and clearing his throat. "I - I guess we should go."
Buffy sighed and leaned against Angel for support. "I don't believe this," she whispered. "I really don't." She looked up at Angel and forced a smile. "At least we don't have to worry about that Slayer\Vampire thing anymore," she said weakly.
Angel smiled back at her and kissed her on the forehead. "It'll be okay," he assured her. "Don't worry."
"That's what you said before," Buffy answered grimly. He winced but didn't reply, only tightened his grip around her.
"I suggest we go back to the hotel," Giles said, walking towards the door leading out to the street. The former Slayer and the ex-Slayerettes followed him, all lost in their own thoughts.
* * *
Buffy sat on the bed in Angel's room, waiting patiently for him to come out of the shower. All that had happened in so short a time was overwhelming her, and Mr. Howard's simple words, 'Miss Summers, for now and forever, Kendra is the vampire Slayer' rang in her mind. Giles was more concerned about her well being; reminding her that every vampire in Sunnydale would want revenge now, but Buffy's main concern was her identity. She'd said on many occasions she wanted a normal life; now she was being faced with that prospect only to discover she didn't want it.
The door to the bathroom opened and Angel emerged, wearing only a pair of jeans, his hair still wet from the shower. Buffy smiled slightly to herself, thinking how wonderful he looked wet. She frowned as she tried to think of a time when Angel didn't look good. Somehow even with his vampiric face on Buffy still thought he was pretty damn gorgeous. Yeah, I'm not obsessed, she thought wryly to herself. "Hey," she said aloud, softly.
He jumped and turned towards her. "Buffy," he said, breathing the word and causing a chill to run up her spine. "I didn't see you there."
"Obviously," she replied, smiling again. "Sorry, but I needed to talk, and Giles, Xander and Willow pretty much have no clue what I'm talking about. I figured if anyone could understand it would be you."
Angel sat down on the bed next to her. "What is it?" he asked.
Buffy sighed and sat up. "I don't know what to do," she admitted. "Just because some pencil pusher says I'm not the Slayer . . . it doesn't feel like it's true. I just . . . I can't accept this. Kendra once told me that it's not like a job, it's who I am. So, how can someone be so pompous as to fire me from something that's an ingrained part of me?"
Angel shook his head. "I don't know," he answered softly. "I just think there's something wrong with all of this."
"Yeah, what's wrong is me," Buffy replied. "I mean, he was a bastard about it, but there wasn't anything he said that wasn't true. I put those I care about in danger, and . . . and I . . . I mean he's right, about me not acting unless forced to."
"What do you mean?"
"He didn't come right out and say it, but he did hint about it. When I first found out about you, the whole vamp thing, I didn't come after you until after Darla bit my mom. And I didn't go down to fight the Master until after those vamps killed Willow and Cordy's friends. Probably I wouldn't have gone after your alter ego until he killed one of my friends, and we all know that was the way he was heading. What kind of a Slayer waits until someone's dead or almost dies before acting?"
"That's not true," Angel said immediately. "You know that's not true. Those incidents are entirely separate, they shouldn't be compared by you or anyone else. Each has it's own context."
"Two have one common denominator though," Buffy said with a sigh. She looked up at him from under her lashes. "You."
Angel closed his eyes and nodded. "Yeah, that's true," he agreed. "If this is anyone's fault, it's mine."
Buffy groaned and lay back down on the bed, hitting her head against the back board three times in rapid succession. "That is NOT what I meant, Angel!" she said in frustration. "I didn't come up here to send you on a guilt trip, okay? I just want to talk."
"About what?" Angel asked, turning to look at her in her new position and ignoring the guilt he was beginning to feel. "Never mind. Dumb question."
"No, it wasn't," Buffy answered. "I don't want to just talk about the trial . . . er, hearing. I - I want to talk about us."
Angel's eyes immediately narrowed and his expression became defensive. "What about us?" he queried.
"Us," Buffy repeated. "I - I know you said that you'd forgiven me and everything, but, well . . . I don't know if I believe you. Angel . . . I just lost half of my identity today. I don't think I could stand to lose you too."
"Buffy, I don't know what I can do to convince you. There was nothing to forgive because I was never angry with you. Not for one second did I blame you for anything you did. You were absolutely right, and if you had chosen to make me human again Spike would have only brought me back again. It was an intelligent and well thought out decision, Buffy, and not one I would ever blame you for."
Buffy smirked. "If that had been my reasoning behind it, Angel, I wouldn't be mad at me, either. You know as well as I do that wasn't it."
Angel sighed. "I really don't want to get into this right now."
"But I do," Buffy said firmly. "I want to know - do we have a chance of getting back to where we were before?"
"Buffy, as far as I'm concerned we're there now. Believe me, I don't blame you."
Buffy hesitated before speaking again. "Then why haven't we . . . well . . . you know . . . why haven't we? I mean, now . . . it's entirely safe, for you . . . but . . . "
Angel looked at her for a long moment before answering. "Buffy," he said slowly, "you can't possibly tell me that night is a good memory for you now."
"That's where you're wrong," Buffy said immediately. "The aftermath of that night is definitely a bad memory, absolutely. But that night was the most magical and wonderful moment I've ever had in my life. With you . . . Angel, being that close to you, being almost a part of you . . . " She trailed off, trying to find a way to explain it so he would understand. "It was pure magic. Pure emotion. Even if you had never come back to me, Angel, I wouldn't change it. If you were still Angelus I'd . . . I'd hate it, but . . . but I can't regret it. I don't think I'd ever be able to regret it."
Angel shook his head and smiled softly to himself. "You never cease to amaze me, you know that? Just when I think I know everything there is to know about you, you manage to surprise me."
"I'm being pushy, aren't I?" Buffy asked, biting her lip. "I know . . . I get kinda clingy sometimes. I don't mean to. It's just I like being with you. I mean . . . I never want to be anywhere but by your side."
Angel kissed her before replying. "Me either," he said softly.
"You mean that?"
"Absolutely. But are you sure? Buffy, are you positive you want to . . . ?"
"Angel, just trust me on this. I've never wanted anything more. Besides, this way we don't have to change the sheets. And wouldn't it really piss off the Watcher Council if they found out?"
Angel chuckled slightly. "So the truth comes out," he muttered.
Buffy found herself laughing with him. "Maybe that's why," she whispered. "Or maybe it's just because I love you way too much for my own good."
"I know the feeling," Angel said softly. "But, Buffy . . . "
"Don't you dare ask me if I'm sure again," Buffy interrupted, as she reached her hands up and clasped them behind his head, bringing his lips down to hers.
* * *
Willow looked up from a magazine she'd been looking at when she heard a soft knock on her bedroom door. "Come in," she called out, turning and expecting to see Buffy walk in.
To her immense surprise, however, it was Xander who opened the hotel room door and walked inside. "Hey, Will," Xander said, walking towards the bed and motioning for her to move over so he could sit down.
"Xander," Willow replied, narrowing her eyes as she looked at him curiously.
"Look, Will, I just wanted to apologize," Xander began hesitantly. "I've been totally unfair lately, and, well, it's just a lot to deal with at once. I'm just not quite sure I'm ready to deal with what you told me before, though. I mean -- I'm just not." Willow nodded. "That's okay," she answered, smiling slightly.
"You're not mad?" Xander asked.
"No," Willow replied, shaking her head. "It's . . . it's too soon to deal with what I told you, or what you might think in return. It hasn't been long enough since . . . well . . . you know."
Xander nodded. "Yeah, I do know," he agreed, standing. He turned towards the door, then turned back and kissed her on the cheek, unaware of the pleasant shudder that went through her body. "G'night, Will."
Willow watched him go and smiled softly to herself. "Good night, Xander," she replied to herself, then turned back to her magazine.
* * *
Buffy sighed and opened her eyes slowly, not wanting to wake up despite the pounding she heard on the door. Rubbing her eyes she looked around and then, in fear, looked next to her. Angel was sound asleep, and as far as she could tell his soul was intact. That did not, however, explain the pounding on his bedroom door. "Angel? Are you in there?!" Giles' voice rang out. "Buffy's missng!" he continued, and Buffy turned bright red as Angel slowly began to stir.
"Why is he always waking me up?" Angel murmured, yawning.
"He thinks I'm missing," Buffy whispered to a sleepy Angel.
"Tell him you're not," Angel muttered, turning away from her to go back to sleep.
Buffy rolled her eyes and slowly got out of the bed, not wanting to leave the warmth she felt in Angel's embrace, despite the chill of his touch. She didn't want to have to face the sympathy of her friends either, and the cold truth that her life as she knew it had been irrevocably changed in a matter of hours. "I'm in here, Giles," Buffy called out, trying to push her dark thoughts away.
"What?" Giles gasped.
Buffy giggled. "I said I'm in here. Give me a few minutes and I'll be out, deal?" she added, looking around for her clothes. She found them and slipped into them, brushed out her hair, then stopped by the bed. "I'll see you tonight," she said to Angel.
"Mhmm," Angel murmured.
"By the way, I'm not Buffy. I'm Drusilla. In disguise. I've killed Buffy, and now I've come to kill you," Buffy said, peering at him curiously.
"Mhmm," Angel repeated.
Buffy laughed softly as she walked out the door and closed it gently behind her. "What -- how -- um, good morning, Buffy," Giles finally managed, staring at her with an obvious question hiding behind his eyes.
Buffy bit back a grin and headed down the stairs towards her own hotel room. "What was that?" she asked.
"Um, uh . . . " Giles stuttered.
"Don't ask me unless you really want to know the answer," Buffy warned him.
"Um . . . yes, I . . . I think that's a very good point," Giles replied, and turned to walk down the opposite hallway.
* * *
Buffy walked down the stairs towards the dinning room of the hotel. She spotted Willow seated at a table in the far corner, staring at her drink and swirling it around with a spoon. "Buffy, are you okay?" Willow asked as Buffy headed towards her table. "Okay?" Buffy echoed. "Okay isn't the word I'd use but, hey, to each their own, ya know?" She paused for a moment to look around. "Where's Xander?"
"Upstairs," Willow replied.
Buffy frowned. "I'm going to go talk to him again," she said darkly, but Willow giggled, stopping her.
"He's sleeping," Willow said with a small smile.
"Oh," Buffy said quietly, sinking down into a chair across from her friend.
"You want to do some more sight-seeing?" Willow queried, attempting to find a way to cheer up her friend.
Buffy shook her head. "I'd rather not, if you don't mind," she answered softly. "I just feel like moping right now."
"Buffy, don't listen to that idiot. You're a great Slayer."
"I'm not a slayer anymore," Buffy reminded her. "Remember? 'For now and forever Kendra is the Slayer'. I don't understand it! Why? Why did there have to be a choice in the first place? I'm not dead!"
"Ignore him," Willow suggested. "Just because that asshole said it doesn't make it true."
Buffy's eyes widened in total shock at Willow's language. "You really don't like him, do you?" she asked softly, blinking.
Willow shook her head, blushing. "Sorry," she muttered.
"Don't be sorry," Buffy said immediately. "I hate his guts too, and believe me, that's one of the nicer words I've thought about him. I wish he was a vampire so I could slay him or something."
"What'd you and Angel talk about?" Willow asked, changing the subject after a moment in an attempt to calm Buffy down.
Buffy's expression immediately softened and a wistful smile crossed her face. "We didn't do much talking," she said, giving Willow a conspiratorial wink.
Willow's eyes widened. "You mean . . . ?" Buffy nodded. "He's still . . . um, ya know, okay though, right?"
Buffy nodded again. "Perfectly fine and soul-filled," Buffy answered, grinning outright now. "God, I love him so much, Will! I don't know how I managed to survive without him!"
"It was only three weeks," Willow reminded her, raising an eyebrow.
"Three weeks of pure hell!" Buffy intoned. "If I can get through that, I can get through this ex-Slayer thing."
Willow sighed, knowing Buffy was trying to convince Buffy of that, not her. "Exactly," she said, offering her friend a smile. "I'm sure you'll be okay, Buff. It's not the end of the world or anything. Besides, like I said, just because 'Mr. Howard' said it doesn't make it's like, written in stone or anything."
Buffy smirked at the sarcasm in Willow's voice when she said the head of the Watcher Council's name. "Let's not forget Kendra and her watcher," she reminded Willow. "I doubt they're going to be so lenient towards outside interference like Giles is."
"Well, that's Kendra's loss, not yours," Willow said. "Don't listen to Giles, either. I'm sure that no matter how many vamps come after you you'll be able to handle it."
"Here's hoping," Buffy said, lifting her soda glass to Willow in a toast. Willow returned it and they both sighed at the exact same moment, then smiled at one another again. "Ya know what, let's go do that sight-seeing thing after all," Buffy said after a moment. "I think you're right, a distraction is just what I need right now."
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