In need of an Angel: Seeking Help
by blackcat200
Disclaimer: I don’t own. Buffy and angel and are not mine, cuz I spend too much time watching them on DVD and reading the transcripts, then creating them.... I have no life I know,(is that a bad thing?) I live through Joss......... ALL HAIL THE CREATOR!! Don’t own the song either. It belongs to Evanescence.
This is one of my many attempts of trying to write a good fanfic without killing anyone so please send feed back. Go ahead and send the flames if you like. It’s cold over here at my place so I can use the heat and I can use them to roast my marshmallows. Yum.
Post “Normal Again” for BtVS and “Forgiving” for Angel. // means thoughts. ~ means song
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The Friday sun went down in Sunnydale, families getting ready to set down for dinner. Singles mothers working double shifts at their jobs to earn extra money so they can their child toys. Babysitters chases little kids through the house. Men going to the house of their girlfriends when they should be going to the house of him and his wife. Teenagers telling lies to the parents saying they’ll be home by 11 when they will really be home by 1 if at all. They go out on the streets, smoking cigarettes, and drinking beer with friends not knowing what lays behind an ally. The vampires come out of the hiding places waiting for foolish people to walk by so they can get their nightly meal.
Oh yes, all is well in Sunnydale.
But where is the Slayer? The one that is supposed to stop the vampires for recovering their meal? She’s not anywhere outside tonight. For she is sitting in her room, in a empty house of hers.
In her room Buffy Summers lays on her bed, not moving at all. She feels alone tonight. It’s just her and the music on the radio.
~never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled~
Scratch that. She’s not alone tonight. She’s been alone every night ever since she came back. Ever since she was pulled out of Heaven and had to dig her way out of the ground. Ever since Giles left her. Even the times she slept with Spike weren’t enough to pull her fully out of the loneliness. It made her feel, but the loneliness never left. It never went away. She always felt dirty. She never seemed to become clean.
~ look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now I know she~
She wanted to turn the radio off. Smash it into pieces and throw it in the trash. But she didn’t. Maybe if she let the lyrics consume her the loneliness would go away. The pain never seemed to leave her. It stayed on her, stuck on her like a spider to its web. Never to come off. Never to leave. It was horrible and it was always dirty.
//God, why am I like this? Why can’t the pain go away? Why won’t it leave?//
There isn’t anyone to turn to. She feels like there is not. Xander is moping over Anya. Willow’s quit the magic. Dawn and Tara are out of town. They went to Disney Land for the weekend. Spike is out of the question and what would Anya do? Probably just whine about her feelings. Oh, and Giles is in England. The one person who she needs most.
//And what would Giles say? Grow up, Buffy. It’s time to become an adult. Time to accept your responsibilities. But I have, or haven’t I? I haven’t called him for help ever since he left. I haven’t complained about anything. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do any more. They bring me back and they want me to be like the Buffy I was before I died. They want super, save-the-world Buffy, the one that smiles and laughs at Xander’s lame jokes. The Buffy that kills the vampires and demons but still has time to go to the Bronze. But I’m not the same Buffy. At least I don’t feel like I am.//
So she puts on the smiles to fool her friends. She does what they want Buffy to do. How they except her to act. And she’s fooling them. They don’t see that Buffy is all smiles and no play.
She sits up on the bed, putting two feet on the floor.
//I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fight anymore. It’s just too hard and too much.//
She hasn’t slept in what feels like weeks. The nightmares wake her up at nights. Nightmares of being there. Buffy shudders at the thought of that place. Of the metal ward. It felt it was real. The people. The doctors. The room. Her parents. The drugs. The pain.
She rubs her right arm. She can almost still feel the prick of the needle on her arm. She feels tears run down her face.
//They act like nothing ever happened. That I didn’t try to hurt them. That I didn’t try to kill them. That I never had those hallucinations. They want to pretend like nothing ever happened.//
~never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie~
// I can’t take this anymore. I won’t take this anymore// Buffy stands up with that thought. Going over to the closet she pulls out a suitcase. She lays it on the bed then starts throwing things into it. Shirts, jeans, nightclothes, socks, etc. She goes into the bathroom gathering things in one trip. She throws those into the suitcase and closes it up.
~ i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled~
Buffy yanks the radio out of its socket and throws it against the wall. It hits the wall and falls into the trash can. Some of the pieces of the radio miss the trashcan and fall on the floor. She picks the suitcase up and goes down stairs into the kitchen. She picks her purse off of the counter. She only has $90. That should be enough to get her to where she needs to go. That should be enough to go to LA.
Buffy writes a short note on a piece of paper.
Willow,
Gone out of town to take care of some things.
Don’t know when I’ll be back, won’t before Dawn gets back.
Tell her no tattoos.
-Love Buffy.
Buffy knows for a fact that if she tells Willow where she is really going some one will come looking for her. //It’s really none of their business how a handle things. I’ve done things their way. It’s my turn this time. They didn’t have me for nearly 4 months, a few weeks isn’t going to make a difference.//
She picked up the keys to her mother’s car and went to the garage and opened the door. She secretly received her license a few days ago. Buffy backed the car out of the garage and sped out of the driveway. She smiled as she past the ‘You Are Now Leaving Sunnydale. Come back soon’ sign.
It never looked so good.
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2 hours later Buffy pulled into the Hyperion. The nighttime wind rustled the tree branches around the courtyard. Buffy takes the key out of the ignition, and opens the door. She takes her suitcase out goes inside.
“Any here?” She calls. There is no answer. The lights are out and she wonders if it was a mistake to come here. She looks around at the big floor. //Maybe some one is upstairs.//
Buffy walks up the big staircase, wondering how Angel could afford a place like this. //Money never seemed to be a problem for him.// She places her feet on the second floor and looks around. //Which one is Angel’s?//
There was only one way to find out. “Angel? Any one?”
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Angel’s room was in shambles. He never had the chance to clean it all up. The damage from the earthquake and the fire were still there. Most of the furniture was toppled over. Angel stares at the empty crib that was occupied with his son.
//Why did I let it happen? Why did I even let Wesley take Connor? Why wasn’t I able to stop Holtz? I could have killed Lilah and the rest of people. I should have killed them and saved Connor. Then Connor wouldn’t have been taking by Holtz. He would still be here. I wouldn’t have had tried to open a portal. I wouldn’t have tried to kill Wesley. Wesley how could you have even done this to me. Why didn’t you tell me about the prophecy? We could have done something. You didn’t have to kidnap him. But you did and look what happened. My son is gone. I had something and you took it away!//
Angel runs his hand across his cheek to wipe the tears away. He’s managed not to breakdown now. No since in starting.
//There must be something. There must be something I can still do. There has to be a way. It wouldn’t be right if there wasn’t. What do I do? What can I do? I’m supposed to save people. Maybe I can still save Connor. Maybe I can still get my son back. There has to be a way//
“Angel? Any one?”
Angel turns around on his bed. He looks at the door surprised. “Buffy?”
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"Buffy?" Buffy hears through the first door. She turns her head. "Angel? Angel, is that you?” Without hesitating she grabs the doorknob, turns it, and opens it.
Her eyes meet dark brown ones.
“Buffy,” Angel starts move off the bed towards her. “What are you doing hear?”
“I came to see you.” She replies dropping the suitcase and walking to him. The walk turns into a short run. She hugs him tight and he does the same. Buffy looks into his eyes. She can tell that something is wrong. That something happened, the condition of the room gives it away.
“What happened? Why is the room so trashed? Why have you’ve been crying?” She touches his wet cheek and he turns his head. “I..” He trails off sitting back on the bed. “Angel, tell me what is wrong.”
“Why are you here?” He tries to change the subject. He knows if he starts talking, he’ll start crying.
“It’s not important. At least not at the moment.” Buffy sits down beside him puts one arm on his shoulder. “Angel, tell me what is wrong.” She says firmly but gently. Angel knows he can’t say no to her now. He might as well tell her. “It’s Connor. He’s gone.”
//There I said it, Buffy.// He thinks bitterly.
“Your son? He’s gone?” Buffy remembers the day he called to tell her about his son. She was very shocked at first. Extremely shocked, but she was happy for him. Someone out of her and Angel deserved to be happy. Let it be Angel, he’s earned it. “What happened?” Angel looks away. The water forming in his eyes. Buffy takes her hand and puts in under his chin and turns his head to look at her. His eyes are still downcast. For if he meet her eyes, the tears will overflow.
“Angel.” But it’s the sound of her voice that does it. He buries his face in her shoulder. He tells her the whole story between sobs.. How Wolfram and Hart tired to get him used to the taste of his sons blood by putting it in his pig’s blood. How Wesley found the prophecy, that Wesley tried to kidnap Connor only to have his throat slit and Connor taking away by Justine. About Connor being taking into a portal by Holtz and being left on the ground by Lilah. How he tried to find Connor, how he nearly killed Wesley. How everything was his fault.
Buffy ran her fingers through his hair, rubbed his back anything she could do to comfort him. At one point she was able to lay him down on the bed. She sat up against the headboard, Angel’s head resting on her chest.
“It’s my fault.” Angel sobs. “If I’d never had killed Holtz’s wife or daughter, he wouldn’t have come back. Connor would still be here. Or maybe if I killed Lilah, then I could have gotten to Connor.”
Buffy holds Angel close to her. “Angel you can’t go over all the ‘maybes’ and ‘what ifs’ it only hurts you more.”
“But it’s all my fault.” Angel trembles and Buffy holds him tighter. “Shhhhhhh.” She soothes. “ No it’s not. Shhhhhhh.” “But I...” Angel starts only to be cut off by Buffy. “No Angel it is not your fault. Not your fault.”
It’s a while before Angel’s sobs stop and his body stops trembling. Buffy is running her fingers down his back. “Buffy?” Angel speaks. “Yes?” She says looking down at him. “Don’t leave. Please.”
“Never.”
“Buffy, why are you here? I know you came to see me and I really appreciate that.”
//He’s glad I came!// Buffy states to herself.
“But why?” Angel sits up and looks her in the eyes. He can see the pain in her eyes that he didn’t notice before. He can see how much lack of sleep she has been getting.
“Sunnydale has been too much Angel. I can’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stay there. Everything hurts. All I feel is pain and loneliness. I feel dirty. Like there is something inside me, and it’s crawling to get out. It hurts. Everything hurts and it won’t stop. It never seems to stay away. And it’s been getting worse. I have nightmares. Nightmares that feel real. That even makes the pain worse. The pain is always worse at night. Because that is when everything stops and the pain can take over me. Some nights it feels like I’m suffocating. Like the night I woke up in the coffin and all the air was out.”
Angel winces. She never told him about the experience she had about coming back.
“I had to dig my way out. Out of the ground. It hurt. I thought I was in Hell. Everything hurt, I thought I was in Hell.”
//What? She had to dig her way out? How could they let her?!// Angel pulls Buffy close. Finding hard what to say. So he just pulls her close and holds her.
“It felt like hell. In fact it still feels like Hell. With the pain, and feeling dirty. It feels like Hell, Angel.”
“I know Buffy. I know.” She told him about Heaven when she visited him that day at their secret meeting place between LA and Sunnydale. //How can they think she was in Hell. Don’t they think she deserved to be in Heaven?//
“Things have happened Angel. Giles left me to go to England, Tara broke up with Willow who stopped doing magic, Dawn starting shoplifting, Xander left Anya at the alter and I had to get a job at the Double Meat Palace to earn some extra cash. UC Sunnydale didn’t accept me back and I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.” Buffy said shakily.
“What is that Buffy?” Angel asked stroking her hair. “You’ll hate me.”
“Buffy I could never hate you.” Angel tells her tenderly. “You will hate me. I know you will.” Buffy nearly shouts. “No Buffy I won’t hate you. I promise.”
“I slept with Spike. More then once.” //There I said it. He’s going to hate me. He’s going to hate me!//
//WHAT?!?!// Angel’s mind screams but he just looks shocked. “You what? Slept with Spike?” He says in disbelief. “S-s-see?” Buffy stutters as she pulls away, tears rolling her cheeks. “I kn-knew yo-your w-w-were go-going to hate me!” She starts to get off the bed but Angel pulls her back down. “Buffy, I don’t hate you. Shocked, but I don’t hate you. Do you love him?” Angel asked. //Please say no//
“NO! No, I don’t love him. I don’t love him.”
//That’s good.//
“Angel, I still love you. I don’t love him. I used him. I used him to make me feel better. To make the pain go away. And he did but it never stayed gone. It always came back. It was always more badly then before. The pain, the loneliness, and feeling dirty. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I can’t make it go away. No matter what I do it just won’t go away. It just won’t stay away. I can’t take it anymore Angel. It’s too much. It’s all too much! Everybody wants me to be super Buffy. The way I was before I died. But I don’t think I can. I can’t be the Buffy they want. I’ve tried to get help from Giles and all I get it a ‘grow up Buffy’ ‘time to become a adult’ ‘time to accept your responsibilities’. Responsibilities? I was pulled out of Heaven and all he can say is ‘accept your responsibilities’? Shows you how much they care about me! How can they do this to me? I did my job. I saved the world, and I was rewarded. I had closure. I was done. But they couldn’t take it! They couldn’t take it that I was gone. They wanted their Slayer to save the world again! So they took me out. They took me out of a place where I was happy. And now...it all just hurts! All that there is now pain, and suffering, and ugliness, and being alone! And death.” She says the last two lines and breaks off into sobs against Angel.
//Good God what have they done?// Rage builds through him at the thoughts of Willow and Giles and everyone else. //Couldn’t they see she was hurting? Couldn’t they see that she was in pain?// Angel holds Buffy as her body shakes with each sob.
“I feel so lost, Angel. I feel so alone. It hurts so much.” Buffy whimpers. //Please make it go away, Angel. Please just make it go away//
“Shhhhh, Buffy. It’s okay. You’re not alone. I’m right here. I’m right here.” He reassures her stroking her back. “Please make it go away. Please Angel. Just make it go away.” Buffy begs clutching Angel tight. “I will Buffy, I will.” He lays her down and pulls the sheets up over her. He then lays down next to her and gathers her in his arms. Holding her once again.
“Don’t leave me, Angel Please don’t leave me again!” She begs him. “I won’t.” Angel speaks firmly. //She needs me. She really does// “I never will Buffy. Never again. I promise.” And he means it. There wasn’t any way he was going to let her go.
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Is this good? Should I write more? Feed back PLEASE!
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