My Big Mistake: My Big Mistake
by Hels
"My Big Mistake" Is a song from singer Delta Goodrem's album "Innocent Eyes."
I felt the words fitted with how I thought Buffy would be feeling after Riley's departure.
Just a late-night madness thing, really!

Even after the moment had died and the noise of the helicopter had faded back into the night, the ringing in Buffy’s ears was louder than ever. She sank down onto the concrete and cried, though her throat was sore from shouting. Realising hours later that it was morning, she walked home the longest way possible, taking in all the places she used to go with him. She ran her hand along the counter of the outdoor café, swung around the trunks of the trees in the park and smelt the flowers he’d once picked for her from the Dean’s garden. She looked up at the sky and tried to feel the happiness she had felt with him. But a cloud passed over the sun and the memory, and she turned her face down with tear-filled eyes. When she reached Revello Drive it was past ten, and everybody on the street was going about their lives, making Buffy in her sweaty, dusty clothes feel like she was in another reality. She swung the back gate open and approached the house, but then heard the sound of singing coming from the second floor window. Dawn was singing karaoke, her sweet young voice carried down into the garden and mingling with the overpowering scent of jasmine. Buffy listened, half smiling, but then caught the words of the song. The previous day she would have laughed it off as soppy trash, but for some reason now it resonated uncomfortably with her shattered nerves.

Amazing fairytale that had come true
Mr Reliable romantic that was you.

Buffy smiled, for a moment finding the memory of Riley made him almost tangible. She reached out a hand to feel his cheek, but touched nothing but air.

Then it all went wrong
I’m the one to blame
Taking you for granted
In so many ways.

Buffy pulled her legs to her chest and shivered, her cosy memories suddenly dragged away from her.
”It was my fault,” she thought, ”and there’s no one who can tell me I’m wrong.”

How can something so magic,
Become something so tragic?
Right before my eyes
Two separate lives
Every second was a precious moment
Now I'm thinking about the path I've chosen
Wish I could un-make my big mistake.

Crying now, Buffy’s mind took her back to all the times she’d spent with him and felt so warm, so secure. Why was she so screwed up? Wasn’t that enough?
”But something was missing,” She sobbed out loud, ”the tears!”

I guess it all went wrong
And I'm the one to blame
But what I would give to have you back again.

Riley had been too steady, too reliable. He had always been there quiet and strong waiting to be needed, and she had never let on that she did need him. She’d shut him out of her mind, yet he’d laid open his heart to her.
”God, I was selfish.” Buffy thought, with a shudder. “I wonder if I truly am doomed?”

The days the weeks the months,
The years that we have wasted
I'm sorry
I still love you

“No, wait, I’ve just realized I love you.”
Feeling beat up by the forces of fate, Buffy stood up from the bench and screamed at the sky,
”Why?” She flashed back to the night before.
”Riley! RILEY!” She fell forwards and clawed at the ground. Dawn’s voice lifted up in the finale of the song, and Buffy haltingly joined in the final chorus,

How can something so magic,
Become something so tragic?
Right before my eyes
Two separate lives
Every second was a precious moment
Now I'm thinking about the path I've chosen
Wish I could un-make my big mistake.

The slayer, just a girl, laid on the grass and called out her fear and regret. Behind her tightly closed eyelids she saw a slide-show of all those moments she would never be able to forget; picnics in the park, dancing at the Bronze, dinner at an elegant restaurant. Horrified by her hollowness she sobbed, her emotion rising to a terrible crescendo. The song died and Dawn ran to the window,
“Buffy? Oh god, what’s the matter?”
Joyce opened the kitchen door and stared at the broken form of her daughter.
The ringing in Buffy’s ears now had words,
”My big mistake, my big mistake, my big mistake.”
In the Californian sunshine, a truly broken heart heaved. A mother grieved for her daughter’s smile, and a sister cried at the loss of a friend.


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