Dear Angel: Poor Cordelia
by inlovewithangel
“What do you mean? Where are you going, Angel?” Cordelia sat up, concerned. Angel just stood there, in front of her, speechless. Cordelia glanced around, and before Angel realized, she had picked up the letter. Cordelia did not read it; her eyes immediately shifted to the bottom, and Angel knew they were resting on the name Buffy.

“I knew it!” Cordelia yelled out, throwing the letter at him. But it just fluttered and fell in front of her, its weight not enough to carry it all the way to Angel. Angel reached across the bed and picked it up, stuffing it quickly inside his coat pocket. “I knew this day would come,” said Cordelia, more quietly, as she sat down on the bed.

“Cordelia, I…” But there were no words. “I’m sorry.”

“I knew she’d call to you one day. I just thought you would have fallen in love with me enough to not have to answer.” She looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. “I was so blind.” She shook her head, sending salty droplets flying.

“What’s going on?” Fred’s voice sounded from the doorway. Angel and Cordelia looked up at Fred and Gunn, happily holding hands. As soon as Fred saw Cordelia’s tear stricken face, she ran over to her side.

“What happened?” Cordelia didn’t answer, so Fred looked up at Angel. “Angel?”

“I have to take off. I’ll call.” Angel said, feeling like the biggest asshole in the world.

“Where are you going?” Gunn asked, his face hardened, ready for action, in case action needed to be taken.

“Sunnydale,” Cordelia spit out bitterly. Realization dawned on the couple’s faces.

“Can I talk to you outside a minute, man?” Gunn asked, already moving towards the hallway and Angel knew he had no choice but to follow.

“What the hell are you doing?” Gunn asked Angel, once they were out of earshot.

“I don’t expect you to understand. I’m not even sure I understand myself…”

“Then try. Try hard to understand, then try hard to tell me why you just made the woman you love cry.” Gunn was looking into the taller man’s eyes, who was skillfully avoiding his gaze. Angel didn’t want to tell him that Cordelia wasn’t exactly the woman he loved, not in the way he loved a certain blonde slayer.

“I have to see her, Gunn.”

“I’ve met Buffy a few times. She’s sweet. But most importantly, I’ve seen the way you look at her. I knew it was a mistake to get involved with Cordy.” Gunn shook his head at Angel’s stupidity.

“I love Cordelia, I do, but…” Gunn raised his eyebrows expectantly. “But I made a promise. I have to go, Gunn.” Gunn nodded.

“How long?”

“Days, weeks maybe. I don’t…” Angel took a breath. “I’m not sure.” Gunn nodded again. Angel turned to leave. Gunn grabbed his arm before Angel could take a step.

“Let’s just be clear here. I’m not down with this. You don’t play around with emotions like that, especially not love.” Gunn looked into Angel’s eyes, and Angel knew that whatever Gunn said next, he had to obey. “You’re going to go talk to her. Now.”

As Angel stepped into his own room, Cordelia was still crying. Fred had an arm around her. When she heard Angel step in, she looked up with a fire in her eye that Angel knew would burn. Fred shook her head slowly, as if to say: How could you?

“Come on, baby,” Gunn called softly from outside the room. Fred got up and left, her eyes never leaving Angel’s. Angel took a few hesitant steps over to where Cordelia was sitting, and sat beside her.

“Cordelia?” Cordelia turned her body away. “Look, there’s nothing I can say to make this better…”

“She just called and you came running. All she had to do was say your name and you’re there. You always loved her more than me.” Angel opened his mouth to speak, but Cordelia continued. “Don’t even deny it. I can’t believe you led me along this far, pretending I was the only one. All I did was hold her place. Do you know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s not in love with you?” Cordelia looked into his eyes. “Do you?”

“I do love you, Cordelia.” Sadness tinted his voice. Angel was desperately worried about how this would affect them, not as a couple, but as best friends, which is what, he now realized, she had been to him all along.

“But you’re not in love with me. You don’t feel that same burning, that ache that you feel for…” She trailed off.

“Buffy.”

“Don’t say her name—don’t you dare say her name!” Cordelia took a deep breath. “What do you see when you look at me?”

Angel gave a small smile. “A beautiful, talented, wonderful woman.”

Cordelia smiled back, but it soon disappeared. “But not the woman you love. And that’s what you see when you see her, isn’t it?” Angel did nothing, and so Cordelia pressed on. “Isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“So then go. Go find her. I’ll still be here. For you. As a friend.”

“I understand that you may need some time… when I come back.”

“Damn right I need some time, I’m getting a month paid vacation. I’ll call if I get a vision.” They looked at each other, and then laughed. Cordelia would never change. She lifted a hand and stroked his cheek. “Goodbye, Angel. I’m sorry this couldn’t have been. It would have been fantastic.”

Angel nodded. “Yes. It would’ve been.”

“Tell the gang I said hi.”

Angel smiled, and then turned around and walked out the door to his room, his mind now thinking into the future, when he would get to see the girl he had tried so many times to replace, and had failed just as many.


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