Dear Angel: The Letter
by inlovewithangel
Note: This gets almost AU. (B/A)

Dear Angel,

Let me begin by apologizing that I am writing this in a letter. I’m sorry that I don’t have the courage to say it to your face.

Secondly, let me say that I love you. You know this, I’m sure, and I hope the feeling continues to be mutual. Basically, since I love you, it is hard to say that I also feel a violent hatred towards you. My question is this: How dare you? How dare you leave me? I was a young girl, so in love, and you just turned around, and walked out of my life. What gives you the right to go?

I know that you said that you wanted me to have a normal life, and you were leaving me for my own good. Angel, you know I respect your opinions, but that's just bullshit. I’m the slayer, Angel, I’m never going to have a normal life. As for leaving me for my own good? Everyday, I miss you. Everyday, I wake up, wanting to call out your name, but having to bite my tongue because it is another man lying next to me. I hate that you’re not here for me. I hate that you don’t seem to see the pain I’m in. I hate that you’re not here, to hold me, to tell me everything’s going to be alright. I hate that you’re not here to know me better than I do myself. This is the great thing you’ve done for me. This was for my own good. Thank you, Angel, you obviously have my best interest at heart.

Now, I ask you, do you remember, almost two years ago now, that we made a promise. Let me refresh your memory. You told me I was still your girl. And I replied: “Always.” I held you to that. Do you know how upsetting it is, to have that not be the truth anymore? I belong to Riley Finn. I can’t stand it. Don’t get me wrong, I like Riley. He is a good, solid guy, and he treats me well. He is there for me, but he doesn’t know me. He doesn’t really know anything about me. He doesn’t understand the darkness that I come from, and that darkness is so much a part of me. He feels like I don’t let him in. To my heart. My body, I give over willingly. But he’s right, I don’t let him in. I can’t. My heart belongs to one man, ironically, to the man that broke it into so many pieces. He is jealous of you, and I don’t blame him.

But, jealousy. That used to be your trait, remember? But now, I own it. Do you know who I’m jealous of, Angel? God, I can’t believe I’m saying this. Cordelia. I’m jealous of the girl we all used to look at like she was the shallow, vapid one. You think you’re the one who looks in at what he can’t have? Do you know how many times I’ve come down to LA, trying to tell myself it was only to see my father, but realizing that it was really just for you? How many times, I’ve asked myself, on the trip down, if this is the time that I’ll have the courage to walk through those doors, and say these exact words to your face? And finally, do you know how many times, I’ve watched from outside those doors, watched you kiss her, and touch her, and look at her the way you used to look at me? Just explain to me one thing, Angel. Why is she allowed to be with you, while I am not? I don’t understand.

After the first time I saw you two together, I came home and cried. Willow and Tara were there for me, stroking my hair. Willow, in the best friend way, cursed your name, and told me to forget you, even though she knew I never could. And so I found myself, for the second time repeating the words I told you once: “I wish that I wished him dead. I don’t. I can’t.” Willow told Xander, and he, always supportive in this aspect, was there to hate you. I walked around in a slump for days. Everyone knew the reason for my sudden depression. Except Riley, of course. Poor Riley.

So, Angel, I love you. And hate you. But most importantly, I want you here. I need you here. You belong with me. And I will never be satisfied until I belong to you, once again.

Buffy.

Angel lifted his head after having read the letter, and sighed. He looked over at Cordelia, the woman he loved. She was sleeping beside him, on his bed, just resting. He quietly got up and reached for his long leather coat and slipped it over his broad shoulders. He heard Cordelia stir.

“Where are you going?” She asked, rubbing her eyes.

“I’m sorry Cordelia. There’s somewhere I just have to be. Somewhere I belong.”


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