The Joy of Love, the Clarity of Hatred, and the Ecstasy of Grief: Part 4
by Symphony
The title is from the ep "Passions". Angel said it in his voiceover. The characters belong to Joss and company. The story is mine so if you have comments, likes, dislikes, etc., feel free to email me.
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Part Four
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Buffy sat down in front of Miss Calender's grave. Grass had begun to grow on top of the ground for awhile now. The growth seemed too fast. Like it was eager to take Jenny away from the world quickly. The quicker the better.
Buffy laid the bouquet of yellow roses on her grave. She remembered Giles telling her once that yellow roses were Jenny's favorites. Buffy felt that it was appropriate for her to bring them this time. It was time to make peace with Jenny.
Even after Jenny died, Buffy could not forgive her for her knowledge of Angel's transformation. Buffy carried great guilt over Jenny's death but the loneliness in her heart could not forgive so easily. But she had to now. She had to let ghosts go. She had to stop looking at the past.
Buffy closed her eyes and the image of the ring falling into the black water flashed in her mind's eye. This was like the same thing.
Her eyes opened when she heard footsteps behind her. She did not need to turn around to know who it was. It was Angel.
"I come here every night." he said.
"Why?" Buffy asked.
"I hope that her soul is free and that somehow God could find it in His heart to forgive." Angel came closer. "He forgives all His children, but I gave up rights to be His child long ago." Buffy watched from the corner of his eye as he sat down. He was staring at the gravestone. Than his gaze wavered to the flowers on them. Buffy stood up and stretched. She couldn't be near him. Not yet.
"I have to go patrol." she lied. "I'll see you---"
"No you don't." Angel looked her in the eye. "Tell me how you feel, Buffy. Tell me everything. Scream, shout, kick, moan. I want to hear it all. I need to hear it all." She was not expecting him to say any of that.
"I don't know what to say."
"Say anything, Buffy. Say it all. Just don't ride me like you have been." Angel than dropped his voice to a softer tone, "Don't give me the cold shoulder. Love me, hate me. But don't ignore me." What he was asking her was easy. He wanted to hear the truth. But could she tell him? There was a time when she could have. Now, she wasn't so sure.
"I don't know what to feel anymore." Buffy started. She took a deep breath. "I was in love with you before all this. And it wasn't like I didn't know that you had had an evil phase. I mean, a vampire only has an evil phase. But you...you have a soul. You loved me back." Buffy looked at her hand. The ring had been there once. Now it had met its watery grave. "When you....changed, I still had faith that you could be changed. I never gave up that hope. It was the only thing that could get me through the day. But as time went on, that hope started to die. You killed ruthlessly and you made me and the people I care about suffer so much." Buffy looked at Miss Calender's grave. "Then you had to kill her." Buffy sighed and pushed the hair away from her face. "I started to hate you. I wanted to kill you so badly. God only knows how deeply my hatred ran. I couldn't find it within me to forgive you at all. Every day I looked forward to the moment when I could slay you. And then Willow found out that Miss Calender had left your cure behind. You...I mean, Angelus killed her for that. We decided to cure you. And now, you are Angel and you are not on a bloody rampage. But it hurts so much." Buffy wiped away her tears. "Those were the hardest moments I ever had to go through. I'm tired now, Angel. I'm sick and I'm tired and I just want to...to...disappear." Buffy looked him in the eye. She could see the pain emanating from him. "That is how I feel. I don't know if I can ever love you. I don't even know if I ever want to see you again."
"I have done things that I know you will never forgive me for. I myself won't ever forgive myself." Angel stepped forward hesitantly. "I will never stop loving you, Buffy. I know that that doesn't change anything. " Buffy watched him take something out from the inside of his black coat. It was a wooden stake. He offered it to her. "Finish it. Kill me." She looked at him wide-eyed. "I leave my life in your hands."
"You can't do this. You can't give me this responsibility." Buffy shook her head.
"If someone is going to do it, it has to be you." "This is an easy out for you." she looked at him.
"Perhaps. Or you can look at it as taking revenge."
"Revenge is not mine to take."
"I hurt you. I hurt the people you love. That entitles you to every revenge in the world."
"Does it?" Buffy looked away from him. "I want out of this conversation." She started to walk away but felt Angel's hand grip her shoulder softly. She stopped and stood still. Then she felt herself leaning in his embrace. She had missed this so much. She knew that she loved him so much, too much. She couldn't forget him or ignore him or kill him, even though she wanted to so much.
He held her closely. This was the old Angel. This was the Angel who loved her so dearly. This was the Angel who loved her so much. This was the Angel she loved. This was the Angel she needed. But than she heard a noise near them. She pulled away from Angel to see a surprised Giles.
"Buffy?" he seemed confused. She looked at her watcher and back at Angel. Her duty or her love. This was what it all came down to. Giles looked at her sympathetically. She knew what she had to do. Buffy knew that Giles knew what she was going to do too.
"Goodbye Angel." she said softly. Then she strengthened her voice. "Never come near me again."
She brought her hand to her mouth. She could not allow either Giles or Angel to see her cry. She could see Giles take a step toward her. "No!" she exclaimed. "Just let me be." Buffy turned around and started to walk. But the tears came stronger. So she ran.
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