Like This: Like This
by Samantha
This is my first time out, so be patient with me. All commets and criticism welcome. Possible tissue warning, depends on how easy you cry. Willow/Xander stuff. Hope you like it :)
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After all the time they'd been helping the Slayer, Xander Harris knew that they led dangerous lives. How many times had they looked death in the face and managed somehow to walk away (usually with a good deal of help from Buffy)? Knowing about all the real monsters in the world, it seemed inevitable that one of them wouldn't survive. But he never thought it would happen like this.
He sat in the Surgical Ward waiting room of the Sunnydale hospital, staring down at his hands. Buffy sat on one side of him, Cordelia on the other, and Giles stood in the corner. None of them spoke.
"Alexander Harris?"
Xander looked up at the doctor standing in front of him. He stood quickly, looking at the man expectantly. "How are they?" The others stood as well. Except for Cordelia, who didn't move, simply sat there looking very pale.
"Mr. and Mrs. Rosenburg suffered minor injuries. They're both still down in the ER. They're being informed of Miss Rosenburg's condition."
"Which is?" he asked, voice shaking.
"Ms. Rosenburg is in very serious condition. The backseat of the car was crushed, which means she took the worst of it. She's out of surgery now, but she's in a coma."
Xander's face had become very white, matching Cordelia's. "Is she going to die?" he breathed.
The doctor's face was pained. "I wish I could tell you 'no'. But the truth is, it's unlikely she'll make it through the night. We did everything we could for her. Now it's up to her."
Xander was swaying on his feet. Buffy put her arm around his waist to steady him, trying not to be obvious about her tears. Giles put his arm around Xander's shoulders on his other side. "Thank you doctor," he said. The doctor paused for a moment, looking at them uncertainly, then nodded and walked away.
"I need to sit down," Xander said shakily.
"Yes, of course," Giles said, and led him gently to one of the chairs. Buffy turned and began to walk down the hallway slowly, not wanting them to see her cry. Cordelia got up suddenly from her chair, looking paler than ever, and walked quickly to the nearest bathroom, hand over her mouth. Giles watched her go, concerned. He imagined she wasn't feeling well. She'd barely said a word since her frantic call to him over three hours ago. She'd actually witnessed the accident, been the one to call 911.
He turned his attention back to Xander, who was sitting as before, staring off into space. The boy was in shock, that was obvious to Giles. Buffy was alone somewhere crying, Cordelia a wreck. And then there was Willow, laying in a hospital bed nearby, likely dying from the injuries inflicted by the drunken bastard who was currently in the mourge...he hadn't survived the crash.
A nurse approached them. "Mr. Harris?" Xander didn't look up at first, not in the least accostomed to being called that. Giles put his hand on Xander's shoulder, and the boy looked around blankly. "You can see Miss Rosenburg now if you'd like," she said softly. He looked at Giles, seeming unsure of what to do. Giles nodded and they both stood, following the nurse. "Now keep in mind, she's been badly injured. She doesn't look very good right now." She spoke as they walked into the recovery unit, towards Willow's room. "As the doctor told you, she's in a coma now. But that doesn't necessarily mean she won't hear you if you talk to her." She glanced at Giles. "It would be best if you went in one at a time, and keep it short."
Giles nodded, and the nurse left them in front of a typical hospital door. Xander stared at it for a long moment, then turned to Giles, looking like he had no idea what to do. Giles looked at him sympathetically. "Go see her."
Xander nodded, seeming to regain some sense of reality. He opened the door slowly and walked in. Giles watched as he got to the middle of the room before freezing. In spite of the nurse's warning, Xander had not been at all prepared to see Willow in the condition she was in. Tubes ran from her nose, her mouth, her arms. A resperator was huffing quietly in one corner, and her chest rose and fell with it's unnatural rhythm. Her head was bangaged, but the bandages didn't cover most of the bruising on her face, or some of the smaller lacerations. Slowly Xander took a step, then another step, until he reached the chair by her bed. He fell into it bonelessly, and reached for her hand. His face crumpled. He lowered his head onto her bed and began to sob.
Giles looked away, suddenly self-consious. He pulled the door most of the way closed, but could still hear Xander's crying. He took off his glasses and covered his eyes briefly. Leaning back against the wall he had time to ponder how cruel life could be, before Willow's parents showed up. They went into the room, where Xander still was, and the grief was shared amongst them. Giles left them there, knowing this was for them and not him.
* * *
When Giles got back to the waiting area, Cordelia was sitting in the seat she'd been in before, still silent and pale. Her eyes had the puffy, red look of someone who'd just been crying. Giles sat in the chair next to her.
"Are you alright?"
She looked at him. "Me? I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" She was completely unconvincing.
"What you saw tonight was very traumatic," he said softly.
She looked at him then, and her eyes were huge. "I saw them pull her out of that car," she said softly, eyes filling with tears. "I...I can't believe she's still alive." Her voice choked on the last word, and she looked away, tears spilling down her cheeks. "I wish there was something I could have done. But I was so scared." She started to sob. Giles put his arm around her shoulders, did his best to comfort her.
Buffy was nowhere to be seen.
* * *
The vampire exploded in a cloud of dust. Buffy stood up slowly, straightening herself. Yeah, piece 'o' cake.
Another one hit her from behind, tackling her to the ground. She hit with a grunt, losing her stake. After a moment of struggle she managed to buck the thing off, then went after her stake without even looking around at it. It grabbed her leg before she could quite get to it though, and pulled her back. She flipped herself over as she was pulled towards it, and when she was face to face with it she punched it squarely in the nose. It fell back from her, holding it's face in pain. She went after the stake again, and again it was too quick for her. This time she managed a kick to it's face. This time it didn't let go. It leaned towards her leg, was about to bite it, when a stake was suddenly plunged into it's back, through the heart. The vampire grunted, then dissapated into ash. Buffy looked up at the mystery staker.
"Xander?"
He held his hand out, helped her up off the ground. She retrieved her stake, then turned to him. "What are you doing here?"
"Couldn't sleep," he said shortly, and looked at the dusting of ash on the ground. Buffy followed his gaze uncertainly.
"You know it's not safe to be out this time of night," she said.
He shrugged. "I don't care."
She looked at him, worried. Willow's accident had been almost a week ago now, and she was showing no signs of recovery. Every morning that she pulled through, the doctors said that she wouldn't survive the following night. Her parents were total wrecks, Buffy was going postal on every vampire she encountered, and Xander...well, Xander didn't do or say much at all anymore. Cordelia had come to Buffy a few days ago, deeply concerned for Xander. Buffy didn't think much of their relationship (nobody really did, Willow top among them), but it was obvious that, for whatever reason, they cared deeply about each other. And Cordelia was scared.
"Why don't I walk you home?" she said, taking his arm. He shook his head, but followed her.
"I don't want to go back there. I don't...everywhere I look I see her."
"There's nowhere you can go to get away from that," Buffy said softly.
He nodded silently as they left the cemetary. "Ever since we started helping you, I always knew that we were constantly putting our lives in danger. I mean, I always knew there was the possibility that I could lose her. But...I don't know." He paused, looked up at the night sky. "In spite of what I knew, I didn't really think I'd have to live without her."
Buffy looked away, guilt and sorrow piling up on top of her heart. She knew full well that she was not responsible for what had happened to Willow, but some deep part of her Slayer insinct told her tirelessly that there should have been something she coud have done to stop it. It was tearing her apart, although she didn't share it with anyone. But she suspected that Giles knew. She had a hard time hiding anything from him anymore.
They walked in silence around the streets of Sunnydale, neither of them wanting to go home. Somehow, they ended up at the hospital. The looked at each other as they stood in front of it for a moment. Xander nodded and went in, perfectly familiar with the route to Willow's room. He'd been there a lot in the last week.
Buffy walked home in the dark, not looking around her.
* * *
Cordelia knocked on the door, shifted nervously from foot to foot. After a moment, Mrs. Harris opened the door. She looked at Cordelia curiously.
"Can I help you?"
"Um, yeah...hi. Is, ah, is Xander home?" Cordelia stuttered.
Mrs. Harris opened the door wider. "Come in. He's in his room. Would you like me to get him?"
"Uh, no, if you could just show me where..."
Mrs. Harris pointed to a door. "Down the stairs, first door on your right."
"Um, thank you," Cordelia said, and hurried in that direction. Mrs. Harris looked after her, concern on her face.
Cordelia stepped up to the door, rapped on it lightly. "Xander?"
She heard the sound of movement in the room. The door opened, and Xander's surprised face looked out at her. "Cordelia. What are you doing here?"
"I, just...I got worried when you weren't at school today," she said softly, looking upset. "I just wanted to come over, make sure you were...ok."
He opened the door wider, let her in. She looked around at the typical boy mess, clothes all over the floor, a stale half of pizza still in the box, posters hung with impatient lack of care. It was pure Xander. She smiled a little in spite of her worry. "Sorry for the mess," he said as he closed the door. "I didn't realize-" He stopped suddenly when Cordelia turned around and wrapped him in her arms. He was too surprised to respond for a moment, but eventually wrapped his arms around her too. And for the first time since that terrifying night in the hospital, he found himself on the edge of tears. He battled them for only a moment before losing, and buried his face in her hair. He could tell that she was crying as well, and they stood like that for a long time, taking and giving comfort as best they could.
When they finally seperated, she ran her fingers along his cheeks, wiping the dampness away. Then she kissed him briefly.
"Would you like me to stay?" she said softly. He looked at her, not quite understanding what she meant. "Just to sleep," she explained, face solemn. He looked at her, his expression softening.
"Yeah, I'd like that."
* * *
Xander was woken late in the night by his phone ringing. He came up almost reluctantly from his dream. Willow was in it.
"Hello?" he mumbled, squinting at the clock. 2:47am. Great.
"Xander?" Mrs. Rosenburgs choked voice came over the line. Xander sat up in bed, suddenly wide awake. "Did I wake you?"
"Uh...yeah. It's ok though. What's wrong?" He looked around, saw Cordelia's sleeping form next to him. The phone hadn't woken her.
"It's...Willow. She's-" her voice broke, and Xander found he couldn't breathe. Oh god no...
"Mrs. Rosenburg?" he whispered.
"The doctors say she's going. We're losing her. Xander, you have to come to the hospital." She broke into sobs. "You have to come say goodbye Xander."
Goodbye. The word hurt his heart in a way he didn't even know existed. Still he couldn't breathe. After a moment of listening to Mrs. Rosenburg's sobs, he finally found his voice.
"I'll be right there."
He hung up the phone, feeling violently ill. He stumbled into the bathroom and his body tried to empty his stomach, but there was nothing there. He dry-heaved for a few minutes, until he thought he might pass out. They finally faded, and he sat on the bathroom floor, struggling with everything in him not to cry. He felt a bit more in control after a few minutes more, and went back into the bedroom. He dressed quickly, and shook Cordelia gently.
"Hey," he said softly. Cordelia blinked up at him, surprised at where she was.
"Xander. What time is it?"
"Early. We need to go to the hospital Cordy." He tried to keep his voice level, but didn't do a very good job. She sat up, looking concerned.
"What's going on?"
"Mrs. Rosenburg called. She's not....she's getting worse," he said, voice trembling. Cordelia looked at him for a moment, then put her arms around his shoulders, holding him tightly. He held her back, a few tears spilling out of his eyes. They parted silently, and she gathered her things together as they headed out to her car.
* * *
Mrs. Rosenburg hugged Xander fiercely, not holding back her tears. Xander hugged back, trying to hold his.
"It's good that you could come Xander. She loves you so much you know."
Xander didn't reply, but Cordelia saw his face crumple up painfully over Mrs. Rosenburg's shoulder. She looked at her shoes, not able to face that pain. The two pulled apart and she began to walk him down the hall. Cordelia stayed behind, not wanting to intrude. Xander looked back at her as he went, just to make sure she would still be there. They reached Willow's room. Mr. Rosenburg was sitting by her bed in the darkness of the night, holding her hand. He turned when he heard the other two enter, stood.
"Xander. Thank you for coming."
Xander nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He'd seen Willow a lot since the accident, and it hurt his heart every time he saw her again. She looked so fragile.
"We'll be outside," Mrs. Rosenburg said softly to him, and squeezed his arm. They left him alone in the room, leaving the door open. In case anything happened.
Xander approached the bed slowly, his entire body screaming at the injustice, the tragedy of this. He sat down slowly in the chair, unable to take his eyes off her. Almost reluctantly, he reached out and took her hand. He opened his mouth, closed it again. What was he supposed to say to her? Then he shook his head. This was Willow for god's sake.
"They, uh," he started slowly, voice trembling. "They told me that you're slipping away from me." He looked around, shook his head, looked at her again. "I've been...trying to imagine, what my life would be like without you, but I just can't." His voice broke, and he paused to get it under control before continuing. Still it wavered. "I mean, who would help me with Geometry? Play Rock Paper Scissors until my hand cramps up? Who's going to give me the Willow smile and laugh at all my stupid jokes?"
Xander didn't notice Cordelia, standing outside the doorway. Listening. Crying.
"You know me better...you understand me better than anyone in the world, Will. And I understand you." His face darkened, voice dropped. "I know that you loved me. I hope you still do." He shook his head, and his voice was barely above a whisper. He didn't look at her as he spoke. "I was so stupid. I never saw you until-" He stopped, looked at her for a long moment. "If you can hear me...I want you to know. That, I love you." His face crumpled a bit, and his grip on her hand tightened. "I love you so much."
Cordelia stood frozen, not wanting to intrude on this anymore, unable to leave.
"I can't-" he stopped again, blinking tears. "I can't do this without you. Please," he said, looking at her intensely. "If you can hear me, please. Please don't leave me." He finally broke down sobbing. He stood up and leaned over her bed, embracing her as best he could. "Please don't leave me, please Willow, please don't..." and his words became incoherent as he sobbed, holding her.
The paralysis finally broke. Cordelia turned and ran, crying helplessly.
* * *
Xander was dreaming again. In his dream, he was in the hospital. The room was brightening as the sun came up, casting a strangely angelic glow over the whole room. He had been asleep in this dream, sitting in the chair with his head resting on her bed, next to her hand. He looked around, not knowing he was dreaming until he saw Willow.
She was awake.
She looked at him, smiling that sweet smile he hadn't realized he'd missed so much until that moment. The light coming through the window formed a halo around her head, causing her hair to light up with an unbelivable fire. God, she was so beautiful. He looked up at her, and began to reach for her, knowing that, as in all the dreams he'd had since the accident, she would dissapear before he could reach her. His hand got closer to her face, closer, closer.
He touched her face gently. Her eyes glowed, and she brought her hand up to his. And that was when he knew he wasn't dreaming.
For a moment he couldn't move. Didn't want to move. Didn't want this moment to ever end. He rose slowly, never taking his face above her eye level. She followed his movements with her eyes, expression becoming bewildered. "Xander?"
His breath came out in a long sob at the sound of her voice. "Will," he managed, then took her into his arms as gently as he could. She didn't protest or give any indication of pain, simply wrapped her arms weakly around him, holding him as he sobbed against her shoulder. "Xander...what happened?"
"You're ok," he said, mostly to himself. He pulled away and looked at her face, taking in every inch of her features. "You're ok," he repeated. She looked at him, confused. "Don't you ever think of leaving me again," he said in an oddly stern voice. She smiled a little and nodded.
"Ok."
He laughed a little, then suddenly kissed her. She was surprised, but returned the kiss, closing her eyes. It wasn't very long, but was the most sweet, powerful thing either of them had ever felt before. When it was over, they simply looked at each other.
Their moment was inturrupted by Willow's parents. They froze in the doorway when they saw her, sitting up with her arms around Xander. The pair on the bed looked at the pair in the doorway, and Xander reluctantly relinquished his hold on Willow as Mrs. Rosenburg approached, sobbing Willow's name. The hugging and the questions and the answers came next, and Xander left them alone to that, confident now that Willow would still be there when he came back.
He went to the waiting lounge, directly to the phone. He dialed Buffy's number from memory. After three rings the other end was picked up by a very grumpy sounding slayer. "What?"
"Buffy. It's Xander."
"Xander...what time is it?" He heard a loud thump and a mumbled curse. Then: "Six am? Is something wrong?"
"It's Willow. Buffy, she's awake. I think she's going to be ok." He couldn't wipe the huge grin off his face. She was gonna be ok. There was silence for a moment, then another thump.
"Are you sure?" Buffy's excited voice broke in.
"Yeah," Xander replied exstatically. Unable to hold his excitement in, he began to hop up and down by the phone. Unbeknownst to him, Buffy was doing the same thing on her end of the line. "You should come to the hospital. I'm sure she'll want to see you."
"I'm on my way," Buffy said, and the line went dead. Xander grinned goofily at the phone, then pushed the disconnect and put in another quarter. He got halfway through Cordelia's phone number when he remembered that she was the one who'd driven him here last night. He put the phone down and looked around the waiting room, and was a little surprised to find her sleeping on one of the couches. He walked over, trying to calm himself, and knelt in front of her. He shook her arm gently.
"Cordy."
She woke up suddenly and looked at him, confusion in her eyes. They cleared up slowly, and she sat up. "Xander. What's going on?"
"She's awake." He smiled brightly. "She's going to be ok."
Her face opened, eyes wide. "Really?"
"Yeah. C'mon." He took her hand and led her out of the waiting room. But halfway down the hall she stopped him.
"Wait," she said, pulling on his hand.
He turned, his face still lit up with the good news. "What is it?"
She put her free hand to her forehead, wondering how to go on. How to explain.
"I can't, go with you," she said haltingly. "I can't....be with you."
He took a step closer, confusion on his face.
"We....I..." she took a deep breath. "We're....over, Xander."
"Cordy, no," he began. She shook her head.
"You don't...you love her." She looked at him sadly.
Dawning in his eyes. He opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out. He looked away, suddenly not sure what to do or say.
"It's ok," she said, forcing him to look at her. "She needs you."
He looked at her for a long moment, admiring her, and loving her in his own way. "I never meant-"
"Shh," she put a finger to his lips. She looked into his eyes for a long moment, then nodded. "I'm glad she's gonna be ok," she whispered. He nodded, then suddenly took her into a tight hug. She held back as hard as she could, unable to hold back all the tears. She straightened her face as they pulled apart, and looked at him again. He didn't move, just watched her. "Go," she whispered.
He stepped back out of the embrace, took a step away. Then he stepped back, put his hand on her face, and kissed her gently. When it was over, he walked away. She looked after him for a moment, then turned and went the opposite direction.
* * *
Willow finished dressing gingerly, pulling her skirt up over the cast. She was pretty lucky, the only broken body part was her left leg, which would heal fine. So the doctors said. Her head still hurt if she didn't take painkillers, and would for a few more days. But the swelling in her brain, the swelling that had been the result of the consussion, had gone down the morning she had woken. She had no memory of the accident, and no memory of her time in the coma...except one. She remembered what Xander had said to her that night. When he'd told her that he loved her.
She also remembered the kiss he'd given her when she'd woken up. That had been three days ago, and there had been little indication of anything more than the typical Xander behavior since then. No more kisses. No more declarations of love. Willow had pretty much come to believe that Xander had just been scared, and hadn't really been aware of what he was doing or saying. It hurt a little, but Willow was happy enough knowing that he'd been that concerned about her.
Although she had heard an odd thing from Buffy just last night. She had told Willow that Xander and Cordelia had broken up, the morning that Willow awoke. Wierd.
She was reaching for her crutches when she heard a knock on the door. "It's open!" she called, grabbing the crutches. Xander poked his head in, smiled at her.
"Hey look, you're on your feet....foot....and in real clothes!" he said brightly. She smiled at him.
"Yeah, and they're still gonna let me leave in a wheelchair. You can come in you know."
"Oh, hey. You think they'd let me drive it?" he asked, a devilish smile spreading across his face. He didn't move from his odd position in the door.
"Ah, somehow I doubt it. Why are you hiding out there?" she asked, trying to look around him. One of his arms was conspicuously absent from her sight.
"Oh alright, can't keep anything from you," he said dejectedly, but couldn't get rid of the smile completely. He brought his arm around and Willow was suddenly faced with the biggest bouquet of flowers she'd ever seen.
Her eyes became huge, and a delighted smile lit her face. Xander watched her, and his heart skipped a beat. God, why had it taken this long to see how beautful she was? She reached out and took the flowers, burying her face in them and inhaling deeply. She looked up at him with those huge eyes, and he knew it was now or never.
He closed the door behind him and walked up to her. He took the flowers from her silently and placed them gently on the bed. She watched him somewhat nervously, fear and excitement causing her body to tremble just a little. He turned back to her, his face serious now. He looked at her for a long moment.
"I meant it all," he said simply.
Her eyes moistened. They both knew exactly what he meant. Her heart began to triphammer wildly as he moved closer to her, put his hands on her face, and kissed her. The kiss that morning had been sweet, lovely, unforgettable. This kiss was deep, long, filled with the passion she'd felt for him over the years. They wrapped around one another, absorbing each other totally, becoming one. The way they always should have.
When the kiss finally ended, they stood there next to the bed for a long moment, holding each other tightly. Neither was aware that the other was crying, Willow for the realization of a longtime dream, Xander for the shock of so nearly losing her. They pulled apart almost reluctantly. As they did, there was another knock on the door. They looked at each other, for some reason embarrased, then broke out into laughter.
"It's open!" Willow called, turning to pick up the flowers off the bed. Xander watched her as she did, not really noticing when Buffy came in, Giles close behind. All he saw was Willow. He supposed that somewhere deep inside, he's always known that he would be with Willow forever. But he'd never thought it would happen like this.
And he wouldn't have had it any other way. Not for the world.
THE END
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