Too Little, Too Late: Too Little, Too Late
by Violator
Disclaimer: Buffy, Angel, and Giles don't belong to me. They're Joss'. However, I do have the rights to the idea... oh, wait, I don't read on...

Note: This idea was inspired by matsuterwilliger in chat. Thanks, mat.



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Giles eyed the envelope on his front porch with trepadition. His name was written on the envolope in handwriting he recognised only too well. It had been on the note written when he came home, and had found Jenny-

He cut off that line of thought. This could actually be a good thing, if their plan had worked. Buffy had been out hunting, Giles was reading on the acts Angelus had commited. Willow had barged in on his studies. A disk had been found in the computer room. Using it and his other various sorcerous texts and objects, he had performed a rite... but he had no idea if it had been successful or not.

He bent down and picked up the envelope. There was something heavier than paper in there. It felt like metal. Brushing dust off, he stared at his name scrawled across the paper, then slowly opened it.


* * *
Giles,

I am sorry. Before you read the rest of this, I want you to know that however you hate me, it doesn't even begin to approach the hatred I have for myself. I know this is hollow. There is nothing I can say or do that will make up for what I've done. I won't even attempt to try. But if you can, take solace in the fact that not another innocent will die by my hand, and you are the reason why.

I still remember what it was like, you know. To have all my deepest emotions perverted, my own mind a thing of darkness. It isn't like there's me and the demon, and our minds are seperate. I remember how I hunted Buffy. I remember hating her. Hating you all. I remember what I did to Jenny, and that is worse than any gypsy curse. But it isn't the worst. I'd fall to my knees and thank God if that was worse than what happened last night... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Spike betrayed me. I pushed him too far with the taunting and tormenting, and almost died because of it. When I attempted to kill him, Drusilla attacked me herself, and I was driven away. I wandered Sunnydale, eventually coming back to my appartment. This brings up something I want to mention. In my appartment, you will find the location of some very large amounts of money, and the names of every one of my victims. I want their families taken care of. You will also find the most horrible, damning thing I've done in my 242 years on earth. The thing that showed me there can be no redemption. No atonement. No penance.

I was in my appartment last night. Contemplating who I should kill next. I hadn't decided yet, but it was probably going to be Cordelia. Working closer and closer to Buffy's heart, killing someone she cared about more and more each time. I didn't get the chance. Buffy attacked. I remember deciding that the best way to get to her heart might instead be to remove it with my hands.

We fought for a while. You would have been proud of her. She had me beat. The stake was to my heart. I had seconds left. But I tricked her. Just before she did it, I collapsed, told her I loved her. I feigned a battle between my soul and the demon. Laughing inside, I watched her struggle over whether or not to kill me, while outside I acted as if I were having my own internal conflict. Why? Why didn't she kill me? Dear Lord, why?

Before she could decide, I took the stake from her hands and crushed it. Then I drew her close and drank the life from her veins. I was happy. I was about to make her one of us, a vampire, when it happened. I was wracked by that now familiar pain. I returned to sanity over Buffy's body, two minutes too late to save her.

This is not your fault. Don't ever think that. I was the one who destroyed Jenny's research. I am the one who told myself a thousand times that I couldn't be with Buffy, that nothing good could happen. I'm the one who ignored my own warnings. Ignored the fact that no matter how much I wish it were different, anything I love will always be destroyed.

If everything worked out as planned, there was quite a bit of dust on your porch, and on this envelope. I don't know how painful staking is, but can't be as painful as staying alive. In any event, not one more person will ever be killed by me. Not one more life will be ruined.

I know I can never have it, but I beg your forgiveness.

Angel


* * *
Giles stared at the letter in his hands in numb shock. Haltingly, he overturned the envelope over in his hand to see what the metal object was.

Buffy's silver crucifix lay on his palm, shining in the morning light.


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