The Sighing Game: Part 2
by Rebecca Carefoot
Disclaimer: None of the characters in the Buffyverse belong to me..they belong to Joss Wheadon, Mutant Enemy, maybe some other people none of whom are me.

This is the second part of the Sighing Game, it is from Angel's point of view and it takes place at the same time as part one...there are some spoilers, lots of introspective brooding, Buffy/Angel romance..I think you get the picture.



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Part Two

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Angel stared blankly at the wall of his apartment. A stake through the heart could not possibly hurt this much. To see her, so beautiful, so sad. It tore him to pieces. To know that she felt the same way he did and yet it could not be. To be one of those doomed lovers that he had always despised, one of a fated couple. It stung. To know that over 200 years of love and loss was no shield. To hold her close and feel her stripped away. It hurt like nothing else he had ever felt in his life.

Like nothing but the moment of conscience reawakened. The guilt of a hundred year killing spree across the span of the entire world, the deaths he had caused, the joy he had felt in killing. In that one crystalline moment it had all come rushing into him. As his soul was returned, he had almost destroyed himself. He would have burned himself to death in the sun's bright rays. He would have done anything to escape the guilt. But he had found another way. He had found solace in killing them. In destroying all the vampires he could. He fought the demon within himself and he fought the demons outside as well. So far he was winning, he had made himself into a killing machine. The guilt was buried, the pain was buried, every emotion was hidden beneath a burning desire to kill them all. Angel had had it all figured out. Once he got rid of all of them he would be at peace and he would slip away. A stake to his own heart wouldn't be such a hard thing to do. It would all be over so quickly. It was the perfect escape.

But then she had come to Sunnydale to fight the vampires, to fulfill her destiny. Beautiful Buffy, so young and so perfect. At first he had seen her only as an ally. A way to kill the vampires faster. Angel thought she might have a better chance at killing the Master than he would. After all she was the one girl in all the world with the power to stop the forces of evil. But how many times had he heard that, too many. There was always a new "one girl in all the world" and yet the Master lived. Still there was a chance and any vampire she killed would be one less for him.

So he warned her that first week. He followed her into an alley. And she surprised him by knocking him on his ass. He thought that was when he first started falling in love with her. He hadn't been surprised in such a long time. It was a good feeling, a human feeling. She was so suspiscious and for some reason he found that charming. The way she spoke back to him, she wasn't afraid, or if she was she hid it so well. He gave her the cross, silver. He had worn it when he had first had his soul returned. He had needed something to help him fight the demon and the pain of that cross helped him to gain the self control he needed to keep from feeding off warm blood. He still wore a cross sometimes, gold. It was much smaller but it helped to calm the urges.

He began to watch her, sometimes offering hints and help; but mainly staying in the shadows. He saw her wear the cross sometimes and it made him feel connected with her somehow. He knew that she couldn't truly love him, not if she knew what he really was. But seeing her wear that cross it was like she was his. It was as if she cared about him.

He remembered the night when he had given her his jacket. The leather one. He really didn't need it, vampires didn't feel cold. She seemed to like it, in fact she wore it pretty often. That made him feel good too. It made him feel like she carried him with her everywhere she went. He imagined to himself that she felt the same way he did. That she fantasized about him, that when she closed her eyes at night all she could see was his face, that she wore the jacket because she could imagine it being on his skin. He told himself that he was a fool, that he was acting like an overly hormonal teenager. It had to be a crush, but it was so ridiculous. He was old enough to know better.

Then that night he had followed her from the Bronze and they had had their run in with The Three. It had been close. He had thought that they were done for when one of the three extremely strong vampires had slashed him across the ribs. He was embarrassed to say that he was almost glad that he would die with her. But they had survived and she had invited him into her house, a sacred priveledge he certainly hadn't expected.

She had bandaged his wound. He hoped she didn't realize what her touch did to him. His flesh prickled with her nearness. It took all his self-control to keep from pulling her near and kissing her. He hid all day in her closet, hiding from her mom he told her, but it was from the sun he hid. And then she brought him some dinner...a little plateless she said. He didn't mind that, but it was also a lot bloodless. Poor girl she had no idea what she was getting into. He decided then to hide it all from her, to just leave and never come back.

But she started mumbling about her diary, thinking he had read it. His heart soared as he slowly realized that she cared for him. He began his speech about having to leave but his heart wasn't in it. His heart was with her. And he had blurted out that part about wanting to kiss her. Then the incredible, the impossible had happened. They had come together like the crashing of the waves on the shore, an inevitability. Their lips had met in the kiss to end all kisses.

In the midst of his joy, Angel felt his face begin to change. He fought it, but it was too late. He stared in horror at the fear and hatred he saw reflected in her eyes and her scream. He threw himself out the window and ran into the night. But she hadn't had the will to kill him, she seemed to understand. At the Bronze when they fought he could tell that she still cared for him just as he cared for her.

And then they had met for their last kiss, the most painful and wonderful kiss of his life. The world became that kiss, nothing else mattered. As she walked away he could feel his flesh sizzling where her cross had imprinted itself on his skin. But that pain was nothing to the anguish he felt watching her walk away.

So now here he was, sitting alone in his apartment. Unable to keep his mind off her. Her face filled his mind, her smell filled his nostrils.

Angrily he jumped up from the bed and threw a chair against the wall, snarling. He couldn't stand it, he had to see her. He had to hear her voice.

He rushed out the door barely taking the time to grab a jacket. He walked the streets to her house filled with an urgency that he could not understand. Nothing mattered but her, nothing had ever mattered but her.

He stared up at her window, she had taken back the invitation. He couldn't go in. He picked up a few pebbles from the ground and flung them at the window, but there was no response to the clatter they made. He jammed his fists into his pockets trying to figure out what he could do next. Either she was out slaying, she was a really sound sleeper, or she just didn't want to see him. He was inclined to believe the latter. Lost in thought he didn't even notice the vampire creeping up behind him. It leapt, hungrily seeking a midnight snack. Angel snarled. This was not on the top of his list of things to do tonight. His face changed and the other vampire stared a moment at the familiar ridges.

"Angelus?," it whispered.

"No one calls me that anymore," Angel said thinking of Darla. "And you are?" The vampire tried to attack but Angel was too strong, he easily pinned him to the ground.

"Why do you fight us?" the vampire asked. "Why do you murder your family?" Angel reached inside his jacket and pulled out a stake. He drove it into the creatures heart with all his strength. As the creature turned to dust Angel sneered.

"I just don't like you," he answered. "I guess it's just something about your faces that rubs me the wrong way." He grinned toothily. Hunting always made him hungry. He stared up at her window once more and lightly touched his vampire face. Not tonight, he thought. I'll try again some other time.


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