Goodbye Old Me: Secrets and Sorrow
by cheekacherrycola


Everything is as it should be the next morning. I spent the night at Liz’s again, but I think she spent the night on the couch, because I did not wake up to her comforting body next to me. No one mentions last night, and I am glad. I do not want talk about it, I don’t really care.

Me and Liz are up in her room, Michael, Max, Isabel, and Tess are all downstairs in the locked up Crashdown. They said they just wanted a place to hang, and Liz suggested leaving them alone – that we could create our own little show. I laughed at her, but we just kissed. We didn’t dare do anything else, afraid of making a noise that would make the others wonder what was going on.

My girl fell asleep around eleven, and I expected the others to be gone, so I went downstairs for a drink. They were still there, and I almost pushed open the swinging doors, when I heard my name. I heard my name being discussed.


“I told you Buffy wasn’t an Alien hunter, Maxwell.” Michael yawned.

“We couldn’t be sure – we always have to watch out.” Max replied.

“Why can’t you just ever trust me, Maxwell? I’m the second in command, I know you’re my alien leader, but you can listen to me and not just your own little instincts, okay?”


I had heard enough, and I laughed as I walked out. They all stared at me in surprise.

“Alien hunter? You – you thought that I was an alien hunter out to get you, and you’re the aliens?” I laughed even more as the door swung shut behind me and I drew closer to them. I cut my laughter short though, when I saw their scared, serious faces. “You are all really aliens, aren’t you?”

“Wha…” Tess begins. “How much did you hear?”

“You aren’t green, or, or anything.” I stammer, still in a small state of shock. I’ve heard and seen demons and monsters, vampires and witches, but never an alien. “I just always thought that you’d be different – never normal. Never sane.”

“You can’t tell anyone.” Michael says, his eyes digging into me. I do not have to answer him, just as he did not have to answer me earlier today, but I know that Isabel will need an answer. She is fidgeting. A lot.

“I won’t. Do they know? Liz, and Maria?” I ask.

“Alex, our friend Kyle, and the Sheriff too.” Max says, his gaze meeting mine.

“I just came down for a drink…” Is all that there is left to say on my part.


Liz is rubbing her warm hand up and down my naked back, her fingers gingerly tickling me. She blows on the back of my neck and I snuggle the pillow I am using closer to my chest and face. It is Friday. We have exactly three more days until Liz’s parent’s return. Monday, I dread it. Her parents will come home and we will not get to make love on this bed anymore. I turn on my side and stare into her eyes. I trace her nude side with my fingers and she quietly laughs. I put my hand on her belly and kiss her. She rolls on her back, and I partially lie on top of her, my bare chest touching hers. The nerves in my body squirm above her touch and I smile. I pull my lips a few centimeters from hers.

“I love you.” I say. I really mean it to. I do, truly, deeply, think that I am in love with her. My lips touch down to hers again, her hands on my waist, mine on the sides of her beautiful face.

We both hear the door open and we turn towards the noise, pulling the sheets up over our chests upon instinct. My eyes are full of surprise and fear, just as I imagine are hers. Only one words comes out of her mouth – it quivers beneath her breath, her tongue forcing it out of herself.

“Max.”

And I think he is going to fall over and die.

“Liz…” His voice is soft, almost nonexistent, just as I assume he wishes I was.

Liz’s lower lip is quivering, and I bend over carefully and pick up my work uniform which lays on the floor next to me. I put it on, the silence in the air killing me, drowning me in all of it’s hate and sorrow. I slip it on without anything becoming visible to him – my enemy, my fear. What will he do to me? He can hurt me, with his powers I fear that he will kill me. That my Slayer response time is not fast enough to escape his deathly eyes which will soon bare into my soul and tear it up. I set my bare feet on the floor and pick up my shoes from the floor. I do not know where my socks, bra, and underwear are at the moment, so I don’t dwell on it – I just want to leave. I look at Liz, her gaze is still fixed on Max. I get up to go but Max turns and leaves, slowly, shutting the door as he goes. I turn back to Liz, her eyes are full of tears. She still loves him – I can see it in her eyes. I can see it, I feel it, it is rolling off of her in waves. Tears form in her eyes and when I go to comfort her, she pushes away from me.

“Don’t. Don’t touch me. Just don’t.”

I move my hand away, shocked, timid. I just slip my shoes on and open the door, with a final glance I leave, making sure that the door is shut. I lean up against it’s strength for a moment, and sigh. I can feel the tears burning in my eyes now too. As I walk down into the restaurant of the Crashdown, I see Max just approaching the first table where Isabel, Michael, and Maria are. I didn’t know they were here.

“Max, what is it? What’s wrong?” His sister is asking him, deep concern in her voice. She gets up to comfort him, in any way she can.

He turns when he hears the door swinging shut, they all do. And all of their eyes on me. Me. The one who hurt him the most. I can tell that he wants to cry – but he will not. He just glares and me, and I am suddenly filled with this anger. I grab him by the neck of his shirt, and push him up against the bare wall. My face is inches from him, and Michael and the others are trying to pull me off. They cannot. I am the Slayer.

And then I release him and push the others behind me back a few feet. I turn and run out of the Crashdown, Isabel’s horrid voice asking her brother what that was all about. I do not want to stick around to hear his answer – I honestly to do not care.


Michael stops by my apartment later that night, he does not knock, just walks in. I did not lock the door, because I did not care if someone came in and killed me. I am lying on the bed, my back propped up by pillows. I am hugging one to my chest and Michael comes and sits down next to me. He sighs and picks up an unused pillow, he fluffs it in his lap for a moment and finally lets it rest on his jean covered thighs.

“She hates me.”

“No.” He says. “She loves you.”

I feel the tears coming up behind my eyes again, and I wipe them away as they poor out over my fair fleshy cheeks. “You know what she said to me, after Max left? All I did was try and touch her, and she told me not to. She pulled away from me. She was afraid of me.”

“She was just scared, about Max knowing. She still is. She’ll get over it – in time.”

“No. She won’t.”

He takes my hand in his, and we just sit there like that for the longest time. We just sit there and he finally answers my unasked question: Did he tell the others?

“He did you know.” He starts. “Blurt it out. Isabel asked him what happened, and he almost cried. He told us…” And his story comes out, as the images flash through his mind.


“Max, what was that about?” Isabel asked her brother. “What happened up there?”

Max Evan’s sat down in one of the booths, the others just stood and gathered around him. “She was…they were…kissing.” He swallowed hard, and didn’t look into the faces of his friends. When he did, he noticed Michael’s facial expression was unchanged. “You knew.”

Michael just stood still, as Maria and Isabel looked at him, begging him to say it wasn’t so. “I did.”


“I left then.” He said, finishing his tale. “I don’t know what happened. I left and walked around for awhile before I came here.”

“I’m glad you did – come here I mean.” I say as I squeeze his hand and look into his eyes. “I told her I loved her. She said it the other night, but I couldn’t say it back. I had just told her and he walked in.” I bite my lower lip, and he pulls me into his arms. I will not sleep well tonight, if I even fall asleep at all.


I am sitting on Liz’s balcony, smoking a cigarette. It’s goodness swallows me, turns me dark, makes my feelings go away. I have been sitting up here since seven p.m. It is eight now, she will be off in an hour. The Sunday sky is dark, the moist clouds threatening rain.

I did not show up to work on Saturday, Michael later told me that Liz had, but her mind was elsewhere. She had collapsed in his arms, and Maria sent her up to bed. Michael said that Maria cursed at him for not telling her, but told Liz that if she loved me, it was okay. I was also told that Max and Isabel did not show up for there daily meal at three o’clock. I was not greatly surprised.

I inhale the smoke, it twists my lungs in a thousand different directions as I chock back my sobs. I will not let them come. I fight them down, my eyes are dry, dark black half moons are under my tanned eyes. I feel my ribs through my t-shirt with my hand as I remember Liz’s touch, the curves of her body, the dimples in her face when she smiled up at me. I remember her little cries, the way she whimpers when you touch her just right. I can taste her in my mouth, I can hear her crying out my name. I can see my hands all over her, playing on her stomach, tickling her back, my teeth nipping at her neck.

I guess I have been dreaming for quiet sometime, because my cigarette is no longer in my hands, and I can hear the window opening up behind me. I am hidden in the chair that is facing away from her, the shadows lurking my frail and brittle body. I hear the window shut, and I hear her gasp as she sees me. I do look at her, I only look up at the stars.

“When I told you that I loved you, I always imaged that we’d get married on the moon. That we were those two stars right by Arian’s belt.” My voice is dry, empty of all feeling. “And then came down and became a part of that belt – that trap. Max is right there, you are in the middle.” I point up into the sky, and she comes and sits down in the chair next to me.

“Maybe the two stars will make up, and the one in the middle will apologies for being so dumb, and they can go back to being those two stars, before the little star’s parents come home.”

I turn to her, and smile. She has a way with words. She gets up and I scoot over in the beach chair, letting her lay beside me. She pulls a blanket up over our bodies, and I laugh as we duck our heads beneath it and catch up on some much needed love. I think she kisses me first, but it is all happening so fast. All I know is that I’m happy, and I do not care if anyone sees us – not even her parents.

We have somehow made it onto her bed, my shirt off, the buttons on her work uniform are popping off. I cannot help myself as I run my fingers through her light hair, and I groan beneath her as we fall onto the bed.



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