THE Explaination: THE Explaination
by Pioneer Grrrl
I own nothing but my ideas, all BTVS stuff is the property of Joss Whedon, and I am only a college student who is borrowing them. Assuming that Angel has had a longer sexual history than Buffy, I wrote this fic to "patch up" the "holes" I interpreted in the offical story line. Due to the end of Spring semster (and a lack of internet access at home), I will be unable to awnswer email untill late August--although my addy will be working after that time!! Your patience is greatly apprecated



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I never meant to hurt Buffy, I only wanted to love her as she deserved to be. Without a doubt, she is the best thing that happened to me. For so many years after the curse, self hatred and fear were my constant companions.

Harmless to others, I struggled with Angelus’s hungers on a daily basis. Since I’m not into sugar coating, I’ll be the first to admit that it was intialy difficult to contain him---even in my souled state. Not a “curing” curse, we were merged into the same physical container, which became the battle ground for many internal conflicts. Hell, I eventualy found an open minded shrink, so I could work thorugh issues. Without attempting to be funny, I created my own 12 step program---which helped me remain mentialy strong when I felt my will power slipping. Make no mistake about that, the urge to feed off a human is still with me, however I keep it at bay though an enormous amount of self-control. Even Oz (who's technincaly in the same boat as me) doesn't need to worry if his demom will try to exert influence, I've become pretty good at seeing other people's souls.

For so many years after that, I watched from afar as Slayers came and went, each one determined to destroy the evil known as the hellmouth, each one passing away before her time. While I readily adapted to changing notions about gender and race, I asssumed that I would be an interference to the slayer’s duty---I’m very glad that I was corrected. Approaching Buffy in that alleyway took all of my courage, I was afraid that she would reject--or stake me (chuckles) It’s funny, but at the same time I want the demon gone, I don’t want to die---go figure.

Although the “offical reccords” (or whatever Giles prefers to call them) will read that I was temporarily desouled as a result of a moments peace, I prefer to think otherwise. If the story were actualy true, I would’ve been zapped the VERY first time I was intimate with a living woman. It’s not as if the Romani were duped into thinking I was celibate anyway---they know my history just as well as I do. None of this had ever happened before to me. As I held Buffy in my arms that night, there were alot of emotions running through me, but none of them ever canceled out the horrible guilt I felt for my past deeds. It's one thing to hate other vampires for what they do---it's another to live with the permanent knowllege that you were once one of those psychotic animals. That is somethin that never subsides, regardless of the amount of pleasure one experiences.

No, I think it’s some kind of supernatural STD---perhaps the first case in history.Obviously not able to reccive or trasmit the regualr kinds, I can’t remember ever having protected sex. Trashy as it may seem, there was no apparent reason to do so when fatherhood or disease were not consequences. It appears that our slayer/vamp bodily fluids can produce a possibly unpleasant reaction. Temporarily eliminated, I remember the pain that Angelus inflicted on my friends, and am eager to avoid any repeat performances. Having the demon control me once was bad enough, however a second time is inexcuable. Everybody has forgiven me (even Giles--which is realy suprising considering Jenny was so close to him), but I will cary the burdens of my guilt. Yes, it all makes perfect sense now.... that night in Buffy's bedroom was a small foreshadowing of the future, although I was too love sick to see it. Untill that night, I had never vamped out in a sittation like that, and it shocked me as much as it did Buffy. For whatever reason, I ignored the weird sensation sweeping over me---untill it became too much to bear. Now recognizng them as the warning symptoms of something bad, I understand has to be done.

Should we ever become intimate again, I will gladly use a condom. Although I was raised in an era of suppresed infomation on the subject, I’ll willing to embrace modern technology in order to protect us. Angelus clearly has a diffrering oppion, however I enjoy dating women who are able to vote...etc. After growing up with ditsy ornanemts, it’s refreshing to see women able to vote, attend school..etc. Naturaly, Buffy just completes the whole picture. As a young man (unquestionably ahead of my time) I could only fantaisze about such women--presumed to be witches, they were burned at the stake---they probaly would've been nuch happier today. And that's the other reson I belive Angelus's return was physiologial, rather than spiritual: I HAD been able to meet educated women as a result of the curse. While it's also true that I could've met them as Angelus, it just wouldn't have meant a thing to him---he likely would've been enraged at the prospect of women who could vote. If being like this has any advantages, I belive that this would be it.


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