All We've Lost: Getting back on track
by Rayne
Angel stepped out of the darkness but kept quite a bit of distance between us. My heart started fluttering as he neared me. Chastising my body’s response to his proximity I momentarily wondered if he would always have this control over me. “I didn’t come because I thought I owed you anything.” The words came out so quietly that even with my heightened Slayer senses I wondered if I had heard anything at all.

Pulling my legs under me so that I sat Indian style, perched rather precariously on the top of the tombstone, I gained all of my mental strength and decided it was now or never to get some type of closure. If Angel was going to move on with his life, I figured the best he can do is answer some of my questions and help me accept it. Taking in a deep breath, I attempt to make myself feel larger and stronger, squaring my shoulders and sitting up straight. “When did you stop?” I ask, unable to complete the thought. I figure he always seemed to know what was going on in my head, what I was thinking, what I meant; so I didn’t feel the need to elaborate. The questioning look on his face told me otherwise, however, so as much as I knew the question would hurt, it had to be asked.

“When did you stop loving me?” The question came out far more emotional than I had hoped it would. I didn’t want him to know how much this was hurting me. I’m the Slayer, I’m supposed to be tough; both physically and emotionally. “Did you ever actually really love me?” I ask, pushing forward, thankful that this question came out far more confidently.

His head snapped up, looking as thought I had just somehow managed to slap him from 10 feet away. I immediately regretted asking those questions, but I was hurting and my entire life has involved fighting. I had been trained since 15 that if someone hurts you, make sure you hurt them back twice as much. It’s how a Slayer survives. That isn’t called for in this situation, though. This isn’t about the Slayer, it’s about Buffy – no more or less a girl than anyone else on the planet with emotions and feelings much like everyone else. I suddenly feel about 2 feet tall.

Those dark brown eyes, seeming no less tortured or brooding than they were before he became human, meet mine for what seems like an eternity before he begins walking toward me very slowly. “Is that what you think Buffy?” he begins, “You think that I don’t love you anymore, that perhaps I never loved you?” We sit in silence for a moment as I begin to think that perhaps he hadn’t intended the question to be rhetorical. He had wanted an answer, I figure, and as I begin to find my words he cuts me off and continues on. “You show up on my doorstep, unannounced mind you, and then run off before I can even talk to you? What are you doing here? What were you expecting?”

My blood begins to boil as I jump down off of the tombstone. So he was mad, I get that, but how dare he come here and begin arguing with me. “I, I,” I suddenly realize that I have no idea what I had come here expecting. Anger subsiding, I let out a deep breath I hadn’t know I was holding and suddenly feel defeated; some warrior, huh? “I don’t know what I was expecting. You, I guess. I guess I was expecting you, waiting for me, wanting me, loving me. I didn’t mean to intrude on your life Angel. I’m sorry I even came here.”

I turn around and start walking away. I had already caused enough ripples in his life and figured it was time for me to make my exit before I make anymore. “Remember when you told me that all you could see in your future was me?” I hear his voice ask and I turn to look at him. Apparently he had begun walking right after I did as there was no further distance between us.

I smirk a bit into the darkness. Of course I remember saying that. I had meant it at the time and still do. I wasn’t ready to go back down that road though. I was trying to be the big one here and walk away, why was he making it so difficult. Averting his question, I look back up at him through slightly tear soaked eyes. “When did you become human?”

Knowing full well that I’m avoiding his question, he turns and leans up against the tombstone I had previously been perched on. “It was about two years ago. After the big battle, the one you sent all of those slayers to help with,” he looks at me sideways, a small smirk playing on his features “apparently that battle fulfilled the Shanshu prophecy.” He looks thoughtful for a moment, “It wasn’t right after the battle though. Probably about six months after the fight I woke up one morning and didn’t feel the demon in me. I went to the Oracles and they told me this would be the last time I would be allowed to see them. I had fulfilled my destiny. They told me that the demon was gone and that I was human; free to walk in the daylight, free to grow old with those that I loved.”

“What about your strength and healing?” I interject, “Last time you were made human you made them reverse it because you weren’t as strong as you had been. You couldn’t protect people anymore,” I paused a moment, “couldn’t protect me.” Then, of course, only after I had stopped speaking, did I remember that I wasn’t supposed to know about that day. “When I was in heaven,” I began as way of explanation, “I knew everything, I saw everything, I was finally aware of what you had given up to keep me safe.” The tears were coming more freely now; damn emotion!

His arms were around me in a moment, enveloping me in his warm embrace. He spoke softly into my hair, “They let me keep the strength and healing. They said that they knew I wouldn’t keep out of the fight and that heaven wasn’t ready for me yet.” He pulled back slightly and with a finger under my chin raised my face to meet his. “How can you think I don’t love you? I was born to love you Buffy; made to love you. Long before you were ever born our souls were already entwined.”

He didn’t need to tell me why he didn’t let me know about being human. Without really knowing, I somehow understood; I would never be able to explain it if I was asked to, but that wasn’t what mattered. “And Nina fits into this how?” I ask into his chest, not willing to let go just yet, not willing to release him when I felt so close to finally having him again.

I can feel him smile into my hair, “you had Spike, I had Nina. Being with her never changed how much I love you. She knew what she was getting into when she and I started things. She knew my heart would never belong to her.” When I took a step back to look at him I saw nothing but love shining in his eyes and I believed him. I was about to step back in his embrace when I felt the sharp slicing pain of a cross bow bolt tear through my abdomen. And everything went black.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Please R&R. I appreaciate the encouragement to continue. Please, be brutal in your critiques! I grow from criticism and flourish in praise!


This story archived at: The Slayer\'s Fanfic Archive
The Slayer\\\\\\\\'s FanFic Archive - http://www.slayerfanfic.com/viewstory.php?sid=17618