Angel Season 5 (Redux): 5.12: The Past as It’s Remembered
by Kevin
The room was quiet. Wesley, Fred, and Lorne sat in different corners of the room. Each was despondent. Each quietly contemplated the memories now inside their heads.

“Oh my god!” Cordelia broke the silence.

Lorne was the only one to react, and even he did so only barely. He looked up with a slightly questioning look.

“Buffy’s sister isn’t real!” Cordy said as she pulled out her cell phone and headed for the door. “I have to call Willow!”

Fred looked up at Wesley hopefully. She hoped he’d erred in constructing the Orlon Window that now lay smashed on the table. She hoped that all these “new” memories were in fact the spell and that her memories of a violent and disturbed boy were the fiction. “Wesley?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said harshly as he stood and left the room.

“Okay, then,” Cordy said as she came back into the room. She was talking to Willow on the cell phone. “As long as you guys know what you’re doing.” She hung up and looked at Fred. “Where’s he going?”

“He doesn’t want to talk about it,” Lorne said quietly.

“But we need to discuss what we’re going to do,” Cordy said.

“About what?” Fred asked.

“About the spell! About Connor!”

“Are you honestly saying what that evil little monster version back?” Lorne said.

“Lorne,” Fred sighed. “That’s not fair.”

“He called me a filthy demon! You know how seriously I take my hygiene!”

“This spell is unnatural,” Cordelia said. “And however screwed up things got with Connor, and you have no idea how screwed up they got, he was still good. He still had the potential to do wonderful things-”

“Or horrible things,” Fred interrupted. “He tried to cut Wesley’s head off!”

“Perhaps that was me reaping what I had sewn,” Wesley’s sad voice came from the doorway. He reentered the room and sat in a chair.

“I can’t believe he’d do this!” Fred shouted, suddenly letting out the anger she’d kept bottled up. “I can’t believe he’d tamper with our minds. Our memories!”

“Apparently, I have no place to criticize anyone for unilateral action behind the backs of others,” Wesley said sullenly.

“We have to set things right,” Cordelia said.

“Forget it,” Fred shouted, now crying. “You think I’m going to let that guy, that nice, nice guy revert into . . . he was miserable, Cordy!”

“Sometimes the right thing to do isn’t the easy thing,” Cordy argued. She looked at Wesley. “Right?”

“You can hardly expect me to twice destroy Connor’s potential for happiness,” Wesley said in a calm voice. “To twice cause him to experience the torments of growing up in a hell dimension.”

“I don’t believe this!” Cordelia said. “I showed you these memories so you would do the right thing.”

“Oh!” Fred shouted bitterly through her continuing tears. “And here I thought you just thought we deserved to have our actual memories back. But I guess not. I guess you’re just using us, too.” Fred knew she was being unfair, but was livid about the situation. Part of her blamed Cordy for the way things were, despite knowing it wasn’t Cordy’s fault.

“No, it’s not that,” Cordy said. “But I-”

“Cordy,” Wesley said. “You helped give us our memories back. I’m grateful. But we’ve made our decision.”

*

“How long were you there?” Angel asked.

“You tell me,” Spike answered.

“I mean, how long did it feel like?”

Spike shrugged. “There were no days to mark. Just darkness. And time does tend to drag when someone’s continually ripping your guts open.”

Angel laughed despite himself.

“After all that time, though,” Spike said. “Pig’s blood is a bit of a disappointment. I mean, can I get a little A-negative just this once?”

“That is A-negative. Wesley didn’t think we’d heal fast enough on animal blood, so he took donations from some staff members.”

“That bloke’s alright. But your staff has thin blood.”

“Probably a side effect of the evil,” Angel smiled.

“Tha . . . you know.” Spike nodded. “For getting me out. Tha . . . you know.”

“It’s okay, Spike. You don’t have to say it.”

“Oh thank god!” Spike said, clearly relieved.

“Oh, great,” Angel smirked teasingly. “Him, you thank. But I get tha . . . tha . . .”

Spike laughed. “Thank you. See? There. I said it.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I am?”

“Well,” Angel said, struggling for words. “I don’t think you should test it by getting carried off into another hell dimension, but, now that you’ve saved the world, yeah. I guess I would pull your ass out of the fire again.”

“You know,” Spike said. “This is the best conversation we’ve had since we agreed the Immortal was a total ponce.”

“Man I hate that guy.”

*

“Hey,” Connor said coming up behind Fred.

Fred screamed at the sound of his voice and dropped a test tube.

“I hope that wasn’t poisonous or anything,” Connor smiled as he grabbed some paper towels.

“No,” Fred said nervously. “Just regular non-toxic stuff. Anyway, wow, it’s late. I should be going.”

“It’s cool. You can just come dressed like that. I mean, I‘d ditch the lab coat and all, but the rest of the outfit works. Unless you want to go some place fancy.”

“Dinner? Oh. Right. Look, I . . . I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“What? Are you on a diet or something? Because if you are, you’ll probably disintegrate.”

“Eating is fine. Just not together, you know?”

“So . . . you want to sit at different tables? Man. And I thought Eve was weird sometimes.”

“See?” Fred said, grasping weakly at the excuse. “That’s just it. I can’t date someone Eve dated.”

“What? This from the woman who was trying to tear my clothes off a couple nights ago.”

“Yeah, that too. We’re moving too fast.”

“I’m the one who put the breaks on,” Connor said in a tone that was more whiny than he’d intended. “And not going to dinner isn’t slowing down it’s . . . wait. Are you breaking up with me?”

“We’re not even really dating.”

“After an entire day together, several meals, heavy petting, killing vampires, and visiting a hell dimension, you don’t think we’re dating?”

“Connor, this just isn’t working. You need to find someone your own age and . . . you need to just . . . just go away. Don’t call me.”

“What are you doing this? I . . . I don’t deserve this, Fred. I really don’t.”

Fred almost laughed at the statement. The question of what Connor did or didn’t deserve was one of much debate these days. Her own feelings were that Connor did deserve this. He deserved a happy normal life; the life Angel should his soul, not to mention the souls of his friends, to secure.

“Connor. I’m sorry. I wish I could explain it to you, but . . . I don’t want you coming round here any more. I don’t want to see you any more. And you should probably find another sport’s agent, because this place is not for you.” Fred turned her back and choked back her tears. “Good bye.”

Connor stood flabbergasted. He’d have cried if he hadn’t been so shocked. He flapped his arms exasperatedly. Then he could think of nothing to do but leave.

*

“Hey boss,” Harmony said as she came into Angel’s office. “Great to have you back at work. I got so sick of taking your messages.”

“But you’re a secretary,” Angel said.

“Administrative Assistant,” Harmony said scandalized by the use of the word secretary.

“Still. I’m pretty sure taking messages falls under your job description.”

“Yeah, but what about getting hit on by big smelly blue guys? Is that in my job description?”

Angel shrugged. “Other duties as assigned.”

Harmony huffed, dropped Angel mail on the desk, and turned to leave. “I should have guessed you’d side with Sauron.”

Angel absent-mindedly shifted through his mail while his brain screamed at him that, for once, Harmony had actually said something of interest. But what was it?

Angel looked up just as Harmony opened the door to leave. “Who?”

Harmony turned back and made the same embarrassed face she made when teachers called on her in high school. Yes, just like when she was asked about the Pythagorean Theorem, the Yalta Conference, and Arthur Dimmesdale, Harmony knew she wasn’t quite as prepared as she should be.

“Sauron?” Harmony said.

“That’s the villain from Lord of the Rings. Are you sure you have the name right?”

“No,” Harm whimpered.

“What did he look like?”

“He was big and blue,” Harmony said nervously.

“With long hair and a scarred face?” Angel asked.

“Yeah,” Harm said.

“Sahjhan?” Angel suggested.

“That’s it,” Harmony smiled. “Sahjhan!”

Angel was about to shout for Harmony to get her Eve when Eve herself walked into the office with Cyvus Vail.

*

Despite spending the next day following every lead they had, Angel and his crew found no sign of Sahjhan.

Angel, Gunn, Wesley, and Spike were sitting in Angel’s office. Fred was in the lab more and more these days, unable to look any of the others in the eye. Lorne had been to visit her, but having made no headway, he left to prowl the streets for information. Cordelia, furious at the reaction the others had to Angel’s betrayal, had ceased visiting the offices entirely.

“Whatever he’s doing, he’s laying low,” Gunn said.

“Duh,” Spike said.

“And exactly what have you turned up?” Wesley asked.

“Not much,” Spike granted. “Die saving the world and spend a few months in a hell dimension, all of a sudden, people think you’re out of the game. Though I did get to beat up a Fyarl demon. That was a nice workout.”

“We’re not here for workouts,” Angel said. “We need to find Sahjhan.”

Wesley wished Fred or Lorne were in the room so he could give them a meaningful look. As it stood, he alone knew that his memories were restored. He alone knew that he understood perfectly why finding Sahjhan was so important to Angel.

“Perhaps we’re going about this the wrong way,” Wesley said. “According to Vail, Gwen Raiden was hired to smash the urn. Perhaps we should be looking for who hired her.”

“We could have security drag her in,” Gunn said. “Get rough if they had to.”

“I’d suggest saying we have a job for her and getting her to come in willingly,” Wesley said.

“Ooh!” Spike shouted. “We could ask her to steal one of the mummies from the Egyptian exhibit at the museum!”

Angel rolled his eyes. “What reason would we give her for us wanting a mummy, Spike?”

“Mummies are cool,” Spike said in a ‘duh’ tone.

“We could claim that the mummy has magical properties,” Wesley said. “It’s as good an excuse as any, really.”

“Wesley,” Angel said, gritting his teeth, “if you keep agreeing with Spike, you’re fired.”

*

“Oh,” Connor said as he headed for the exit. “I . . . I was just here to see Lorne but he’s out.”

Eve nodded awkwardly. Connor, always the gentleman, held the door for her. Eve smiled awkwardly to indicate her thanks and headed out.

Outside, the night air was a bit cold for Los Angeles, even in the winter.

“Angel has Lorne on a special assignment,” Eve said.

“Demons?”

“I don’t know,” Eve said curtly.

Connor walked quietly with Eve for a moment. He’d sensed a kind of atmosphere of tension (starting with Fred’s sudden dumping of him) in the Wolfram & Hart office. He knew something bad was going on.

“What happened?” Connor asked. “Or . . . or is going to happen.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Everyone there’s all stressed out and Lorne’s off doing detective work. What’s going on?”

“Just because you got dumped doesn’t mean people are stressed out. In fact, dumping you seems to be all the rage these days.”

Connor closed his eyes, trying not to cry. Eve felt a strange pang of sadness along with a kind of sexual arousal at Connor’s reaction.

“Fine. Be a bitch. See if I care.” Connor continued walking with her.

“Why are you still here?”

“I want to make sure you get where you’re going safely.”

“That’s mighty chivalrous for a guy who just called me a bitch.”

“What is it?” Connor said, suddenly overcome by the nagging questions. “What’s wrong with me that women just decide they don’t want to be with me? Tracy, you, and now Fred.”

“I was just kidding earlier. You know why we broke up. I liked things a little less vanilla than you do.”

“But why is that so important? Why would you rather dump me then just not do that stuff?”

“Why would you rather dump me than do it?” Eve countered.

“Because it’s not healthy! It’s not normal.”

“Normal’s relative, kid,” a voice came. “If your girl wants to blind fold you and make you call her mistress, I say have a go. Then again, I haven’t gotten lucky in quite a long time, so I’m probably a little more desperate than you.”

Eve looked at the large figure who was talking. “Sahjhan,” she said quietly.

“Glad to see my reputation proceeds me.”

“Precedes you,” Connor corrected.

“Man, I’m losing my touch. Time was when the greatest warriors of the human race quaked at my presence. Now I get grammar corrections from a hundred and fifty pound pip squeak. I don’t suppose you’re going to leave me alone with Eve long enough for me to torture her into telling me how I can get to Angel.”

“Probably not,” Connor said.

“Please, Mr. Reilly,” Eve said coldly. She was careful not to use Connor’s first name, just in case. “I’m sure Sahjhan and I can have a perfectly cordial conversation.”

“Are you kidding?” Connor shouted. “He just said he wanted to torture you.”

“That’s because I thought she was one of those loyal until death types Angel seems to always have around,” Sahjhan said casually. “But if she’s willing to stab him in the back, I don’t mind doing things the easy way.”

“Just go,” Eve agreed.

“There’s no way I’ leaving you alone with a giant scary demon guy.”

“Scary?” Sahjhan said proudly. “Thanks, kid. It’s nice to know you think I’m scary even if you’re not quaking in your boots. And, for what it’s worth, I like your moxie.”

With that, Sahjhan casually back handed Connor across the face and knocked him into a car. Connor rolled over the hood. Connor recovered, jumped off the hood, and tried to drop kick Sahjhan. Sahjhan caught Connor in midair. Sahjhan body slammed Connor onto the roof of the car so hard the windows smashed out. Connor felt the wind get knocked out of him. He couldn’t even scream as Sahjhan lifted him and again slammed him onto the roof of the car.

Sahjhan flung Connor across the alley. Connor rolled into the wall. He struggled to his feet and attempted to move between Eve and Sahjhan. “Run,” Connor tried to tell Eve, but he was barely able to breathe, let alone speak.

Sahjhan grabbed Connor by the arm and lifted him off the ground. The demon began punching Connor hard in the gut repeatedly, like the kid was a punching bag. Finally, Eve’s shouting, which had begun with the first body slam, got through.

“I said I’d tell you! Just let him go!”

She ran up and grabbed Connor, pulling him away from Sahjhan.

“Oh,” Sahjhan said. “Sorry. Got carried away I guess.”

“There’s a secret entrance to his sleeping quarters,” Eve said. “It’s in the sewers under the Wolfram & Hart building. Walk to the red fire valve and say the word Mandy.”

“Cool. And sorry about the ribs, kid. Hopefully you’ll stop pissing blood in a couple of days.”

Eve sat on the street with Connor in her arms. “We have to get you to a hospital. Why . . . why do you have to be so . . . you?”

“I wasn’t going to let that guy hurt you.” Connor was barely able to speak. “Better he beat the snot out of me and get it out of his system.”

Eve laughed quietly. She leaned down and gently kissed Connor. “You look so pretty all beat up like that.”

Connor pulled away from her and staggered to his feet. “Come on, Eve. Cut it out. Do you have any idea how sick that is?”

“I have some idea, yeah. Doesn’t change how I feel.” She stood and forced Connor to lean on her. “Come on. We’ll call a cab and get you to a hospital.”

Connor tried pulling away, but lost his balance and fell.

“Come on,” she insisted.

*

Sahjhan had about a dozen demons with him as he trudged through the sewers. He hated the fact that he was now wading in filth, but couldn’t wait to get at Angel. He walked to the red fire valve Eve had indicated and said, “Mandy.”

Suddenly, a large metal cage dropped around Sahjhan. He and two of his cronies were trapped. One of the demons on the outside grabbed the metal bars, but they received an electric shock.

“That bitch!” Sahjhan said angrily.

*

“Gwen,” Wesley said happily as the renowned thief stepped into his office. Angel, Spike, and Gunn were in the office with him. “How pleasant to see you.”

“Save the small talk. Gunn said you had a job for me. Of course when he first called me I assumed it was a follow up to our night of passion a few months ago.” Gunn blushed slightly. “But as long as this is a professional call,” Gwen continued, “why don’t we get down to business? What’s this mummy you want stolen?”

“Told you the story’d work,” Spike said smugly.

Angel rolled his eyes, then turned his attention to Gwen. “Why did you smash the urn in Cyvus Vail’s vault?”

Gwen looked at Angel as if he were an idiot. “Um . . . because I got paid to?”

“Why did the person who paid you want it smashed?”

“I get paid to steal things. Or, in this case, break them. I don’t get paid to ask questions. Or answer them.”

“Who hired you to break the urn in Vail’s vault?” Gunn asked.

“Sorry, handsome. Thief-client confidentiality. Divulging the name would be a breach of ethics.”

“Luckily, we’re a law firm,” Wesley said. “Anything you tell us will remain confidential.”

“Yeah, right. I’m sure you’ll really confidentially shake down my client, trying to find out who’s who and what’s what. Besides, if you’re my lawyer, what services are you providing me?”

“We’re not giving you to Vail,” Angel said.

“Are you threatening me?” Gwen asked.

“Not at all,” Wesley replied. “But Cyvus Vail is a client of this firm. He’s contracted us to find out who broke into his vault. Given the description he gave us, it wasn’t very difficult to find you. Given your past aid to us, I was hoping we could handle this without handing you over to him. We’d just find your client and hope that would satisfy Vail. But if you’re going to make it difficult.” Wes reached for the intercom button.

“Oh, fine,” Gwen said, rolling her eyes. “It’s not like I have that much information anyway. The person who hired me was a vampire. She was female. Brunette with an English accent. Can’t really tell you much other than that.”

Angel looked at Gunn. “Take Gwen to the security office and have her look at the photos of all British female vampires. Start with the brunettes, but if she doesn’t pick one of them, continue with other hair colors. If she doesn’t identify any of them as her client, have her talk to a sketch artist.”

“Sounds good,” Gunn said. He held out his arm like a gentleman escorting a lady to a ball. “Shall we.”

“Better not,” Gwen said. “My chip’s not active.” The two left the room together.

*

“So he’ll really be okay?” Connor asked. He was sitting with Eve in her car outside. It was parked outside Connor’s apartment building. She’d driven him home after his check up at the hospital.

“Yes,” Eve said. “For the third time. Yes. If I were you, I’d less worried about Angel and more worried about your ribs.”

Connor shrugged off Eve’s concerns. “They actually feel better already. Maybe we should get out of here and avoid any weird questions.”

“I’d rather you not go back to Wolfram & Hart looking like that. If Angel finds out I led you into danger, he’ll be pissed.”

Connor looked at Eve intently. “Why?”

Eve looked Connor in the eye. “Because you’re a client. And a valuable one at that. We generally try to not get our clients killed or injured.” She opened her door. “Let’s get you up to your apartment.”

Connor opened his door and got out. “I’m fine. I can do it on my own.”

Eve closed the door and clicked the lock button on her key chain. “It’s nothing,” she said, taking the keys from his hand. A minute later, they were standing in the doorway of his apartment.

“Want to come in?” he asked.

“You sure that’s a good idea,” she joked, even though she entered and headed for the kitchen. She grabbed a plastic freezer bad from a drawer and hit the ice button on the fridge.

“I can make my own ice pack.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Eve made an ice pack for Connor and a glass of ice tea for herself. She sat on his couch next to him. “You bring out my girlfriendly side,” she smiled, stroking his hair and pressing the ice pack to his ribs.

“For a little while, any way,” he said, taking the pack from her and holding it to his ribs on his own.

Eve looked forward and took a gulp of her tea. “It . . . it was in high school,” she said, her voice quaking.

Connor turned and looked at her. He fought back the urge to ask what she meant. Asking would just be awkward. They’d both knew it would be pretense. Besides, somehow he knew he shouldn’t make this harder for her.

“I was a junior,” Eve went on. “Thought I was big shit. I got invited to a frat party by this guy names Craig. A college guy liked me. That didn’t help with my already inflated ego. So I went. Danced a little. Drank a little. Went up to this room and made out a little. It was awkward as hell because his three roommates were in there with us. It got late and I wanted to get home.” Eve laughed bitterly. “I was worried about my curfew. Man. It seems like a million years since I worried about my curfew. But the rest of it still feels like it happened yesterday.”

Connor’s mouth went dry and his stomach twisted. He felt a fear so intense it made him nauseas. He didn’t want this story to go where he knew it was going. He wanted her to stop telling it, so he could pretend it had an innocent ending. But he wanted her to keep telling it just in case it wasn’t what he thought it was. He wanted to cry, but he didn’t want to make a sound. Because he still didn’t want to make this any harder on her.

Eve’s eyes were tearing up now. She sniffled and wiped her face n her sleeve. “I cried and screamed the whole time. It didn’t matter. The party was too loud. Craig pinned my arms up above my head and went first. Then he kept holding me down while his three roommates took turns.”

Finally, and with great effort, Eve turned and looked at Connor. That’s when it became real for her. After ten years, she’d really told someone. She’d told Connor.

“That’s why I like it the way I do, Connor,” she said. “Because I want to control it. I want to decide who gets hurt and how much.”

Connor was unconsciously gritting his teeth. He stood and stepped toward the door. “I’m going to find them,” he hissed viciously. “And I’m going to kill all four of those mother fuckers.”

Eve felt her heart beat faster. Connor’s murderous rage was as much a destruction of innocence as Craig’s violation of her had been. And Eve so loved the destruction of innocence. Part of her wanted Craig and his friends released from the torture dimension where they now suffered just so she could watch Connor rip them to pieces. The very thought of Connor killing- of Connor killing for her- made her aroused beyond words.

Yet, even as Eve felt this enjoyment, another part of her felt this twinge of pain; a nagging sadness that Connor might somehow change. “You don’t have to,” she said. “When I joined Wolfram & Hart, I made sure they got what they deserved.”

And with that admission, Eve realized something that at once filled her with worry and joy. When she’d first entered this relationship, she’d imagined making Connor love her. Of playing with him like a pet and drawing him into the darkness. Now she found the opposite was happening. He’d made her love him. And, ever so slowly, he was pulling her away from the evil in which she’d mired for so long. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Connor from behind.

“I love you,” she whispered, burying her crying face in her back.

Connor turned his body so he faced her. She continued pressing her tear-streaked face into him. It was now buried in his chest as opposed to his back. Connor wrapped his own arms around her.

“Can you feel that?” Connor said as he squeezed her. “Huh? I know my arms are pretty skinny, but I’ve got a good grip.” He squeezed her gently again. “Whenever you’re in these arms, you’re safe. I’ll never let anyone hurt you, Eve. I’ll never let anyone hurt you.”

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