Axel's Arean, season 2.: Timan’s out: The truth about Hellmouths
by Timan
VOICE OVER
And now it’s time to venture out into the big wide world with your favorite roving reporter Timan in ‘Timan’s out” (off mic) Favorite reporter? Who wrote this crap?

TIMAN
Hi folks it me again all healed up and back for season two. As you might have guessed there have been some changes to the segment since the last time I was on starting with the name. It used to be called “Timan, out and about” but for some reason Axel has cut my budget by Eighty percent and has taken away my travel vouchers which means I can no longer be ‘about’ I can only be ‘out’.

For my first segment I decided to take a look at the most mysterious and powerful of entities the Hellmouth. What is it? How does it work? Is it really influencing the voices in my head that tell me to dress like a chicken and poke people in the eye? For the answered to this I traveled to Cleveland to find out the answers to these questions.

I stole Axel’s car I drove it across country and made it to Cleveland just before nightfall. After fire bombing it to make sure no one else steals it I headed out to find Dr. Brock Livingston the resident Hellmouth expert. I took my trusty camera and my dedicated team of Oompa-Loompas, who I liberated from Wonkbar’s dressing room, (I decided not to ask questions) and using the money I got from Borrowing Beer Good's Wallet, Which I found just lying around in his pocket, I met up with the good doctor in one of the fanciest restaurants in town.

(Cut to a shot of inside McDonalds. Timan sits across from a man in a white coat and a t-shirt reading ‘Trust me I’m a doctor’)

TIMAN
Dr. Livingston I presume (Timan chuckled)

DR. LIVINGSTON
Yeah, I haven’t heard that one before

TIMAN
So tell me doctor how does a Hellmouth work?

DR. LIVINGSTON
It’s quite simple really. There is an opening on the end of a long tube you use to suck up the dirt that ends up inside a bag.

TIMAN
(Confused) Ah . . . You just described a vacuum cleaner.

DR. LIVINGSTON
Did I? Oh, wait, I’m looking at the wrong notes.

(Dr. Livingston shuffles his notes and reads the new page.)

Ah, this is it. Well, Timan, Hellmouth’s originally came from the planet Krypton and now fight for truth . . .

TIMAN
(Annoyed) That’s Superman!

DR. LIVINGSTON
Oh . . . Hang on a moment.

(Again Dr. Livingston shuffles his notes around. he lands on another new page and starts to read.)

Now I have it. Hellmouth’s are those little rectangular pieces of paper you put letters inside so you can send it to other people.

(He notices Timan Glaring at him.)

What?

TIMAN
You have no idea what a Hellmouth is, do you?

DR. LIVINGSTON
Ah . . . No.

TIMAN
Why did you say you were an expert on one?

DR. LIVINGSTON
I thought it would get me chicks.

TIMAN
That explains why you spelt the word ‘Doctor’ with two E’s on you name badge.

DR. LIVINGSTON
I’m still getting paid for this right?

(TIMAN Sighs and hands over Beer Good’s credit card. Cut to graveyard a vampire is chasing a scared woman through it. He catches her and after a brief struggle he feeds on her. The woman continues to struggle until she finally stops moving. The vampire drops her to the ground, wipes his mouth clean then walks over to Timan.)

VAMPIRE
Sorry about that I got a little hungry

TIMAN
That’s alright. So how do you think the Hellmouth has affected this town?

VAMPIRE
(Excited) It’s great! I feel so energized!

TIMAN
In what way?

VAMPIRE
I feel like I can do anything. Watch

(The vampire picks up one of the Oompa-Loompas and tosses them. The others complain in the form of a choreographed song and dance number but nobody listens)

See that? That little orange guy made it all the way to the other side of the graveyard.

TIMAN
So I see. And the Hellmouth is doing this?

VAMPIRE
Oh yeah, all my senses are heightened (looks at Timan hungrily) hey you’re smelling kinda tasty

TIMAN
(Nervous) Ah, thank you for your time.

After running for my life I decided to go to the source of the hellmouth’s energy the opening. I asked the local tourist center and they were more then happy to direct me to it.

(Cut to a shot of outside a strip bar. Timan looks worried)

TIMAN
You sure this is where the Hellmouth opening is?

GUIDE
Absolutely sir. Just go in there, find a woman named Sally and pay her fifty bucks she’ll show you the opening

TIMAN
(Shrugging) Alright

(Timan walks over to the door. suddenly about twenty cars with sirens blazing skid out of side streets and pull up next to Timan. Men climb out in full riot gear and point rifles at him. Above a helicopter fly’s overhead and shines a spotlight on Timan)

HELICOPTER LOUD SPEAKER
This is the FCC! Do not move. You are violating the terms of your second season we are shutting down this production!

(One of the Riot men walk up and place Timan in handcuffs.)

TIMAN
(Extremely worried) Well, ah, looks like we’re out of time for this installment of Timan’s out. I’ll see you next time

(Another Riot guy hits Timan on the head with his rifle)

RIOT GUY
Shut up!


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