Axel's arean: Connor v. Angel
by filmtheory
FILMTHEORY
Hi. I’m Jim. Today I’ve decided to combine three of my favorite pastimes; procrastinating, bashing Angel (the character, not the show), and defending Connor. My wife is asleep, so adding in a fourth pastime would be impossible, or at the very least inappropriate and very, very wrong. Although I doubt that would keep Terry from writing a story about it.

AMY (From the Production Booth)
Jim, we need to move on with this. After the first segment, we still have the Buttafucco/ Amy Fisher reunion and that guy who has pictures of Sam Alito with Jerry Farwell’s mother in the out house.

FILMTHEORY
Oh, hi Amy. That’s our producer, Amy. I met her through our—

AMY
Jim, you have to move on. You can’t just stand on stage and babble about yourself all day.

FILMTHEORY
But I like talking about myself. Hey! I think that could be the fourth pastime I can work in!

AMY
Moving on.

FILMTHEORY
Our first guests are involved in a criminal court case you may have jury heard about on the news. And if the case goes all the way to the Supreme Court, there’s a guy in the back who has some pictures you might want to buy.

LARRY FLYNT (from off stage)
They’re not for sale.

FILMTHEORY
First, we have the defendant, Angel, um . . .
(checks cue card for last name)
Angel!

(Angel walks out on stage and takes a seat. The audience cheers.)

FILMTHEORY
Now, Angel, my understanding is that you threw your son (checks cue card) Connor out of your hotel. Now, my first question is (checks cue card) Why?

ANGEL
He’d done something unforgivable.

FILMTHEORY
Dressed in women’s lingerie?

ANGEL
What? No!

FILMTHEORY
Because if you caught your son dressed in women’s lingerie, we’d like to have you both back next week.

ANGEL
My son didn’t dress in women’s clothes. He sunk me to the bottom of the ocean.

AUDIENCE MEMBER
So you kicked him to the curb!

(Audience cheers)

FILMTHEORY
But now you’re on trial for abandoning your son as he was a minor when you threw him out.

ANGEL
Well, it’s not as if he’s helpless. He grew up in a hell dimension. I mean, just a couple weeks before he sunk me, he cut a guy’s ear off.

FILMTHEORY
I can’t help but notice you have both your ears.

ANGEL
Um . . .yeah.

FILMTHEORY
And you’re still alive.

ANGEL
Well, not technically, but I’m not dead.

FILMTHEORY
So you’re doing better than the guy from the week before who lost his ear.

ANGEL
But I’m his father.

FILMTHEORY
Why did he sink you to the bottom of the ocean?

ANGEL
Because Holtz, Connor’s foster father, tricked Connor into believing I’d killed him.

FILMTHEORY
And this was possible because . . .

ANGEL
Holtz raised Connor to hate me.

(Audience moans sympathetically)

FILMTHEORY
Anything else?

ANGEL
(shifts uncomfortably)
That’s about it.

FILMTHEORY
Well, your son’s here to tell us his side of the story. Ladies and gentlemen, Connor!

(The Audience boos. Connor runs across the stage toward Angel to attack him.)

CONNOR
You [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]

(axel and Timan run onto the stage Jerry Spring bodyguard style. One grabs Connor and the other restrains Angel).

FILMTHEORY
I’m not quite sure what the boy was saying, but we understand that in Quar’tothian, those were some very bad words which cast dispersions upon Angel’s parentage, manhood, and ability to control his bladder.

AMY
I think you meant aspersions.

FILMTHEORY
Did I asperse on stage? Excuse me. I had Indian food for lunch. (turns to Connor) So, Connor, why did you believe Angel killed your foster-father Holtz?

CONNOR
I just met Angel. I was starting to trust him and everything. Then he had his friends take me to the beach to keep me busy while he went after Holtz. By the time I got there, Holtz was dead with two puncture wounds in his neck.

ANGEL
I didn’t kill him!

CONNOR
Then why’d you lie to me about where you were going you filthy [expletive deleted]?!

FILMTHEORY
When your father got back from being sunk to the bottom of the ocean, did he apologize for deceiving you?

CONNOR
No.

FILMTHEORY
Did he explain to you why what you did was wrong?

CONNOR
No. He said it was wrong, but he didn’t say why.

FILMTHEORY
Maybe it’s just me, but that seems like pretty shabby parenting to me.

(Denny Crane from “Boston Legal” walks out on stage).

DENNY CRANE
Denny Crane. Deny everything. No one can prove you slept with any little boys. There’re no pictures or witnesses of anything. Denny Crane.

ANGEL
I’m on trial for child abandonment, not child molestation.

DENNY CRANE
That’s good. Means you won’t go to prison as long. Admit to nothing. The boy ran away. Hock some of your stuff at the local pawn shop and say the boy stole it. You caught him in women’s lingerie and he was ashamed.

FILMTHEORY
I knew it!

CONNOR
I don’t wear women’s clothes.

DENNY CRANE
See? He has a bad memory. His testimony can’t be trusted.

CONNOR
Don’t make me kick your ass, too, [expletive deleted].

DENNY CRANE
I will beat you like an Asian prostitute, little boy.

CONNOR
I’ll cut off your ear like I did to that drug dealer.

DENNY CRANE
I will shoot you in your . . . wait. You cut a drug dealer’s ear off? (Walks toward Connor) I like your style, kid. (hands him a card) Do you need a lawyer?

ANGEL
Can you represent me and my son?

DENNY CRANE
Misdirection. Make ‘em look east, then hit him in the south. Denny Crane.

FILMTHEORY
Well, we’re about out of time. And now, a final thought. Being a father isn’t an easy job. And having a psychopath who hates you kidnap your child and brainwash him in a hell dimension certainly doesn’t make it any easier. Still, that doesn’t mean you give up on the child. Or the relationship.

Sure, your son is going to cut off a few ears and maybe sink you to the bottom of the ocean every now and again. But that’s nothing that a little patience and a lot of time with your child can’t fix. I’m not saying it’s an easy answer. But in general, easy answers, such as throwing your son out on the street, are rarely ever the right answers. So, until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

And while you’re at it, you should probably take care of your kids, too.

AMY
Please join us tomorrow when our guests will be UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, and U.S. Senator Ben Nelson. Thanks and good night.

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