The Musical Comedy Version: Part Six
by Elaine McMillian
[The VAMPIRES are stalking the streets. Dark, low string music with an atavistic pulse punctuates their song.]

VAMPIRES:
Night is burning, time is fleeting. Now, there is no cause to stall.
Unsuspecting mortal victims; we will rise, and they will fall.
Deaf and night-blind, fragile mortals think they rule the upper earth.
Dinner is all they are good for; limited and finite worth.
We know we must follow orders-- orders we are glad to take.
Although we know we might end up finished by the Slayer's stake.
Killing means that we survive and killling is what we do well.
And should we die, rest assured that all the humans will go straightway
with us to Hell...!

Vampires were moving through the city, taking a little here, a little there. Never enough to kill. Just enough to feed. And leaving nightmares in their wake. A woman woke up screaming, not sure why. A man had an anxiety attack that left him crumpled on the ground in his backyard, his wife hovering over him. Silent and silent and silent, moving like shadows over water.

ANGEL: [off-stage]
For the damned ones walk at night,
Making mockery of safety,
Shut away from dawning light,
Hating what they cannot be....

If any of them had had the sense to look, they would have seen a small, slim figure hiding in the bushes surrounding the playground....

BUFFY:
I know, through all the years of pain,
Through all the doubt and all the weeping,
Hope disappeared like tears in rain--
Let love rise from where it's sleeping....

Buffy waited, coldly angry. All her Slayer instincts told her she should be out there, hunting them. Her brain told her she was doing the right thing; they had a plan, and she had to stick to it. In the darkness, the playground was wicked.

"You ready to do your thing, Andrew?" she whispered.

In hollow tones, a disembodied voice replied, "Yeah, doll. Listen, just for the record, if this doesn't work out-- if you can't release me-- it's no hard feelings. I know you'll do your best."

"Thanks, Andrew. And we'll figure out something. We're clever that way."

"That's the rumour, kid. You know what?"

"What?"

"This is one goofy plan."

"They usually are."

"How come Angel's with Willow?" Xander demanded in a whisper.

"Because you and he bicker too much," Giles replied.

"Then how come I'm not with Buffy? I mean, don't you want some quality time with Ms C?"

"First of all, Buffy needs room to work. Second of all, no," the librarian said sternly. "Now, please, be quiet."

Ms Calendar gave Giles a speaking look, then returned her attention to her laptop. The screen showed a diagram of the playground, with a red, pulsing spot in the middle. "I'm all set," she assured them, absently.

Xander leaned a little closer to Giles. "Nice move, Rico Suave."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You missed your cue, Giles. You were supposed to say something like, 'I would most cehtainly like some quality time with Ms Calendah, but we have a greatah mission. Latah, howevah, I plan to jump heh bones.' Or, okay, something like that."

"Your accent is dreadful," Giles informed him.

"I was scared by Michael Easton when I was a kid."

"Relationships only serve to complicate an already complicated situation, Xander," Giles said, quietly. "I've learned that the hard way. Involving someone in my life would only endanger her."

"Really? I don't know what kind of girls *you've* been hanging with, but the girls *I* know-- Buffy and Will, and Ms Calendar-- are pretty good at taking care of themselves." Xander thought about it. "Heck, they're pretty good at taking care of themselves, and everyone else, too."

XANDER:
It takes a woman to stand by your side
When facing down bad guys who've recently died.
And it takes a woman with spellbook and candle
To help you with problems that you just can't handle.
Yes, it takes a woman, a clever woman,
A girlfriend, a lady, a pal.
Oh, yes, it takes a woman, a nervy woman,
To give you a hand in SoCal.

GILES:
I've found that often, love adds to the riot,
Disrupting my peace, and disturbing my quiet.
I've got so much trouble stacked up on my shoulders,
Can't ask her to share these Sisyphean boulders.
Though I'd like a woman, a friendly woman,
I know how to act on my own.
And yes, I'd like a woman, a lively woman,
But I'll have to go it alone.

XANDER:
Whoa, listen, buddy, you're missing the mark, here,
A sweetheart could help you make light in the dark, here.
Just try and convince her she isn't that strong,
And you'll be the one she'll prove to be wrong,
Because it takes a woman, a "Braveheart" woman,
A woman who knows what is right.
Oh, yes, it takes a woman, a clever woman,
To give you a hand in the fight!

BOTH:
Oh, yes, it takes a woman, a clever woman,
A sweetheart, a lady, a pal!
That's right, it takes a woman, a loving woman
To give you a hand in SoCaaaaal!

Calendar had picked up a walkie-talkie. "Ready?"

"Ready," Buffy replied.

Ancile re-appeared. "Willow and the vamp are set, too."

"Okay," Calendar replied. "Here we go." She pressed "enter".

For a mile-wide radius, vampire heads snapped up. Vampire eyes sparked. Vampire instincts kicked in.

Angel stiffened.

"You okay?" Willow asked, uncertainly.

He shivered. "Yeah. It just feels... *good*."

Willow didn't like the sound of that. He seemed to sense her fear, because he shook his head, hard, and forced a smile.

"What kind of spell *is* that?" he wondered.

"Ms Calendar said it was sort of the psychic equivalent of an Exxon *Valdez* full of blood. I have *got* to get her to show me how she does that," she added ingenuously. Angel's jaw dropped slightly.

Ancile phased in. "Hey, Angel-boy. Hey, Red. Everything's going to plan, seems like."

"Hi, Mister Ancile. We're on our way," Willow said, calmly raising a SuperSoaker full of holy water. She adjusted the small crossbow, already loaded with stakes, that hung at her waist, and checked to make sure the pouch that hung beside it was loaded. She started off, and then glanced behind her. "You coming?"

"Uh, yeah," Angel said. Willow nodded, and kept going.

"Where were girls like her and Buffy when *I* was growin' up?" Ancile wondered. He phased out again.

Angel went after Willow. *I should've taken that bouncer's job in Toronto,* he mused.

Like iron to a magnet, vampires converged on the middle of the playground. Buffy stepped out, smiling ever-so-slightly. The ponytailed vampire stepped out to face her.

"You should've run when you had the chance," he snarled.

"Yeah, whatever."

*Here we go,* thought Ancile.

[BUFFY and PONYTAIL begin to circle each other. Their movements is rather like the choreography of "Beat It", only more so.]

VAMPIRES:
Night is burning, time is fleeting. Now, there is no cause to stall.
Unsuspecting mortal victims; we will rise, and they will fall.
Deaf and night-blind, fragile mortals think they rule the upper--

[The VAMPIRES all look a bit odd, then take a deep breath and recommence. However, now the music is brassy and light:]

VAMPIRES:
It's time to face the music!
It's time to face the night!
Get set to join the party
Of the ones who shun the light!

[Chaos, mitigated by anarchy. WILLOW cheerfully SuperSoaks, then stakes, a vampire. ANGEL settles for the simple, yet elegant, neck-snap. The main activity centres around BUFFY and PONYTAIL.]

VAMPIRES:
It's time to do the game face!
It's time to show some fang!
It's time to show the Slayer
She should not oppose Our Gang!

XANDER: [pausing]
Why does this always happen?
I really hate to brawl!

WILLOW: [grabs his arm, pulling him back towards the action]
Oh, come on, I'll be with you--
Come on, we'll miss it all!

XANDER, WILLOW, & MS CALENDAR:
It's time to kick some butt, guys,
It's time to bust a move!

BUFFY:
Those musty old traditions--
This girl will *so* improve!

[The fight continues. MS CALENDAR, GILES, and XANDER join the fray, and the forces of Darkness are rapidly decimated, until less than a half-dozen vampires remain. Suddenly, EVERYONE stops and strikes a pose.]

ALL:
It's the allegorical, metaphorical, meteorical, living-in-So-Cal--
This is what we call the Buffy Show!

[Pause. Blink. Blink.]

"...the *hell*??" gasped Ponytail. "The *what* show?"

"Buffy!" Willow called. She tossed her crossbow to her friend. Buffy caught it gracefully, aimed and fired in one smooth move.

Poof.

Ponytail was dust in the wind.

VAMPIRES:
All we are is dust in the wind.
Dust-- in the wind...
Everything is--

"Andrew, that's enough!" Buffy called. She turned to the remaining vampires. And smiled.

They broke and ran.

"Sometimes," Buffy said, reflectively, "having a reputation is a good thing."

"I suppose that's that, then," Angel remarked. He brushed a loose strand of hair from Buffy's eyes.

"Not yet," Buffy corrected him. "We still have to help.... Andrew?"

The surprise in her voice caught everyone's attention. Andrew Ancile was floating above the earth; but his green, ghostly glow had been replaced with a shining, white light.

"I think I'm already helped, doll," he said, his voice echoing and re-echoing in the night. "Thaaaaankkkkkksssssss...."

He was gone.

"We don't get much in the way of closure, do we?" Xander said.

There was a long, quiet moment. "So, what do we watch?" Willow asked. "*Psycho IV* or *Bad Dreams*?"

"I'll, um, have to pass on that," Giles said quickly.

"What else're you going to do?" Buffy asked.

"Ah... I was thinking I might spend some... quality time. With someone." He carefully cleaned his glasses.

"Riiiiight," Xander spoke up hastily. "We'll just be going, then." He linked arms with Buffy and Willow and hurried them off, Angel trailing behind them.

Ms Calendar looked at the librarian. "So, what do we watch?" she asked. "A movie? Jay Leno? the stars?"

"I was, um, thinking more along the lines of a sunrise."

Her eyes got very wide. "You were."

"Um... Yes?"

"Well. Okay."

He blinked. "Okay?"

"Okay. But we're taking my car...."

"What was that all about?" Buffy asked, as Xander escorted them off.

"Guy stuff," he said, mysteriously.

"Then don't tell us any more," she said quickly.

"We can go to my place," Angel volunteered. They looked at him. "I have a VCR," he said, a bit testily.

"Great," Buffy smiled, linking her arm with his.

"Just one big, happy family," muttered Xander.

Willow nudged him in the ribs. "Believe it, mister." He smiled down at her, and put his arm around her shoulder. *It takes a woman, a clever woman, A sweetheart, a lady, a pal....*

Buffy stopped in the street. "Uh-oh."

"What uh-oh?" Xander stopped, too.

She sighed, then grinned. "Closing credits." *Thanks, Andrew.*

[Slow, easy percussion and synthesizers.]

BUFFY:
And when the storm
Has run its course,
Don't you feel sad,
Don't feel remorse.

WILLOW:
'Cos you've got friends
Who wish you well.
And they will help you
To beat back Hell.

Say it now: Shoop, shoop, shoop...

BUFFY, WILLOW, XANDER, & ANGEL:
Sometimes you fight,
Sometimes you lose.
Just pay attention
To what you choose.

'Cos you've got friends
To stand by you.
And they will be there
To see you through.

Sayin' now: Shoop, shoop, shoop....

END


* * *
Song ID time! "O Fortuna" [Orff's *Carmina Burana*], Reprise of "I Dreamed a Dream", "It Takes a Woman" from *Hello, Dolly!*, "The Muppet Show Theme", and "The Shoop Song / Waiting To Exhale".

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