BUFFY: Summers.

MULDER: Summers, yeah. The truth is out there, Miss Summers, and we intend to find it.

BUFFY: We?

MULDER: Me and my partner Special Agent Scully.

BUFFY: Hmm, cute couple I'm sure.

SCULLY: Why don't you cut the crap, and answer our questions?

BUFFY: Why don't *you* bite me? (glares menancingly at Scully)

MULDER: Hey, hey, hey! Quit it, ok? (Buffy and Scully roll their eyes, and then look at each
other in surprise) (Threateningly) We know all about your little vampire friends, Miss Summers.

BUFFY: Ooh! Lets throw a party and celebrate your big *discovery.*

SCULLY: Not vampires, Mulder. It was a gang...with, uh, (searching desperately for something
realistic) uh, ketchup round their mouths. Yeah! That's it! Ketchup.

MULDER: (morosely) You mean to say that everything that I have ever believed in, comes
down to a measly bottle of ketchup? What about my sister, Scully? Can you account for her?

SCULLY: Uh, yeah...she, uh...she was playing with a loada balloons filled with helium, and they
made her float out of the window and into the night sky.

MULDER: Helium balloons?!

SCULLY: (sulking) It's a better theory than your stupid "everyone's-out-to-get-me" thing.

MULDER: Whatever shorty!

SCULLY: (snarls)

BUFFY: Hey, nice pout, hon!

SCULLY: (proudly) You really think so? (glances over at Mulder, slyly) See! I told you! (to
Buffy) Why'd you suddenly say that?

BUFFY: (flatly) Don't ask. (watching Scully carefully) I'm the vampire slayer, I don't need
reasons. (Scully's eyes widen in horror, as Buffy slides a stake out from behind herself) Oh don't
worry, Mister Pointy only attacks (mimicking Scully's skepticism) *vampires,* if indeed they do
actually exist. (smirks) And I can sense one, Agent Scul- (Buffy spins around, as she notices
Scully's eyes flicker to a point behind her, and gasps as Mulder brings his briefcase down
sharply on her head)

MULDER: That's gotta hurt.

SCULLY: Didn't you hear what she was going on about, Mulder.

MULDER: Kids today, eh?!

SCULLY: *Mulder!* Are you even listening to me?

MULDER: Sure - you're emitting insanity.

SCULLY: I should be the one saying that! I'm the skeptic and you're...you're (suddenly realises
what is going on)...THE VAMPIRE! (Scully slips into a fighting stance, but Mulder/vampire
grabs her clenched fists, and shoves her roughly to the floor.) Is that really you, Mulder?!

MULDER/VAMPIRE: You think anyone'd wanna bite *his* neck? No!

SCULLY: (whispered) I would.

MULDER/VAMPIRE: I know.

BUFFY: What do you know?!

MULDER/VAMPIRE: Wait a minute! (turns around and faces Buffy) You're unconscious on
the floor.

BUFFY: No, I'm not. You are.

MULDER/VAMPIRE: What?!

BUFFY: (swiftly yanks another stake from her pocket, and plunges it deeply into
Mulder's/vampire's chest) See? I told ya, hon. (The vampire bursts into ashes) Oh look, isn't that
sweet? He's left us a souvenir! (sweeps the ashes aside with her foot) Nice.

(A bumping sound comes from a small side room, and Buffy spins around, tensely)

SCULLY: Mulder? (stumbles to her feet, and rushes towards the muffled sound. She pulls the
door open and finds her partner, bound and gagged, and she quickly yanks the gag out of his
mouth)

MULDER: Scully?

SCULLY: Mulder!

(Love music begins to play)

BUFFY: Ok, ok, cut the mushy stuff, guys! I don't want the ratings on my show to go down.
(Slams the door closed on Mulder and Scully) I mean, it's not as if anyone *really* wants to see
you two snogging, caressing and all that stuff, is it? So lets just leave it out, please? (Bumping
noises radiate from the cupboard, and Mulder can be heard squealing) Grown up's today, eh?