Pinky the Vampire Slayer and the Revenge of Catherine the Great: Part Seven
by Kirbyclause
Buffy awoke with a pounding headache. She braced herself up on one elbow, only that made the pounding worse. She touched her head, but instead of hair she felt the dressing of a wound. It took her a minute to realize that she was naked under her sheet. It took two minutes to realize that it wasn't her sheet, it was a sheet of Angelus.

Buffy's startled "Aie" turned into a moan, as the noise increased the pressure in her head. She looked around, no one was to be seen in the apartment. Then she tried to remember. The She-Mantis kicked her in the head. A long dream about what she wished she could have done with Angel. Then waking up.

There was no clue in her memory about what actually happened between 'kicked in head' and 'woke up'. There was a clue on the pillow next to her. A simply sheet of blank paper was lying next to her. "Oh good, it's blank, don't haf ta read it.", she muttered, eyes closed trying to fight the pain in her head. Then she realized that it was upside down. Slowly she reached for the sheet, and read the simple message on the other side.

Dear Slayer,

You're hurt. I put the bandages on. Gone out.

Love,

Angel

p.s.You're as tight as you ever were.


* * *
"So what's the crisis that everyone is here so early?", Willow asked those assembled in the library. "Well,", Giles began. "That depends on whether or not you want to hear the-the good news or the, auhm, rather not so good news." Willow thought about it. "I'll take the good news version.", she said.

"Cordelia, apparently, actually is a descendant of a French nobleman. Hence the counter spell for the Bay of Books incident yesterday had no effect. So Amy and Jenny were brought in to cast a seperate spell for her. I am researching, while Xander is... Xander.", the Watcher answered.

Willow smiled. "That's not so bad. What's the bad news version?", she asked. Ms. Calander told her, "A giant praying mantis head fell out of the sky last night on Giles car, and so we're trying to take down monsters reborn from a spell that Amy's mom cast to increase her powers by using the magic equivalent of an electircal transformer on the Hellmouth itself." Xander spoke up. "That means all the monsters we've faced are going to be showing up. Again."

"I know what it means Xander.", Willow chided. "Yeah, but not all this fan-fic's readers are as smart as you and kirbyclause.", Xander countered. "Good point.", Willow began. "So where do we stand?"

Amy looked up from a book she was reading. "We've already re-sealed Moloch in his book, and Ampata's seal is unbroken so I don't think we have to worry about her.", the witch told her. "The boy in that nightmare incident is well according to his mother. Machita doesn't have anyone left to bring him *ahem* 'food'. Eyeghon doesn't have anyone left to chase down, as everyone had their tattoos removed. Ted's right where Xander said you left him. Auhm...", Amy trailed off.

"She-Mantis is down.", Xander continued. "Catherine is still trapped, wherever in Kookamonga that is. Those Primal things weren't ever really destroyed, just returned to the Hyenas, who probably have them in their pocket just as much as they ever did. Same stuff with Marcie, she never lost it. Chris' brother was on the science end of things, so Giles is guessing that he won't be affected. The contract was called off on Buffy from Taraka, so all those bad boys will be heading home if they came up. We have the peices of the Judge, and they're still seperate. If 'The Big Mind Controlling Bug From Beyond' springs back, it's going to be sitting on top of the ton of cyanide we left for the eggs. That leaves..."

"Only the vampires", Giles finished. "Each and every one of them that Buffy has killed in the past year is going to return, I think. The good thing is that the Master should return as a skeleton."

"That's a good thing?!", Buffy asked incredulously from the door. She held onto the counter as she staggered into the room. "I don't know what you think, but it is definitely not good. You're supposed to be a Watcher, why don't you watch your words?", the Slayer asked him. "And apparently Buffy's trauma came back along with the skeleton", Xander said.

"Shut up, Xander. I'm back as soon as I whup all those vampires and smash the damn thing into flour again. You'll always be a goof ball.", Buffy told him. "Willow, get over here." "Uh, okay.", Willow said meekly, and scooted to the Slayer's side. Buffy grabbed her, and used her for a crutch, instead of the counter. "Uh, can I ask you something Buffy?", Willow said.

"Yeah, but it better not be one of those "I'm not the Slayer, I'm so weak, tell me what to do questions.", Buffy snapped. "Um, okay. What was the thing that had happened to your, um, to you?", Willow stammered. "That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.", Buffy said.

They retired to the other side of the Library. "When I woke up, I couldn't remember anything that had happened last night.", Buffy told her freind while sitting on the steps on the other side of the library. "And then I woke up feeling...well, kind of naked." "You mean, cause you were hurt and feeling vulnerable.", Willow supplied. "No, I mean Playboy, nude, and Sharon Stone-naked.", Buffy supplied.

Xander's head perked up from across the library. "Did I here Buffy and naked in the same sentence?", the boy asked. Cordelia pinched him. "Ow, uh, forget I asked.", Xander called across the room. Buffy rolled her eyes and turned back to Willow. "You didn't happen to be in, uh, Angel's house when you woke up?", she asked the Slayer. "Yeah.", came the answer. "And I found this.", Buffy said, holding up Angel's note.

"Uh, this isn't good Buffy.", Willow told her. "Tell me about it.", Buffy replied. "Well, not good as in bad. This wasn't a good thing/", Willow was cut off by Buffy's hand. "That was a figure of speech, Will.", the Slayer said. "Oh.", answered her freind. Buffy continued, "The thing is, I don't remember anything that happened after I was kicked out by the She-Mantis last night, so I can't really say what happened."

"Well, the head landed on Giles car.", Willow said. "At least that's what I think he said when he gave me a wake up call this morning." "What's going on, Will? An uninformed Slayer with Master bones in the area is a Slayer liable to kick your ass.", Buffy warned.

Willow shifted her feet. "Well, all the monsters are comming back." Buffy put her head in her hands, then winced as she touched her head. "The good part is that most of them are already taken care of. The bad part is that we have yet to see one vampire. If they came back, they're going to run back to either the Annointed or Spike, whoever they're more familiar with."

Buffy looked up. "Don't worry about that, I'll turn into a Slaying bomb on them." She started to get up, but abruptly sat down when the dizzyness kicked in. "You aren't in any shape to bomb anyone, Buffy.", Willow said. "And don't worry, we have Pinky and the Brain checking out the Annointed situation."

Then Willow's eyes closed a little, signifying her concentration. "Plus, I think you gave me an idea to fight the vampires without a lot of...well, fighting."


* * *
Pinky and the Brain watched the Vampires from their hiding spot between the rocks in the Master's Lair. The throne was now occupied by the Annointed, with Asbolom on his right and Luke on his left. Asbolom once again lifted his hammer into the air.

"And so came down the blazing hail of hell!", the vampire shouted as he struck the ground with his hammer. The audience of other vampires clapped. Darla whistled a cat call, as if the preaching was the exact counterpart to a beauty contest. "That was nothing.", Luke said simply.

"In the begginning, there was nought but blood flowing through the rivers, showing the open veins of mother earth.", the Vessel began. "And in those rivers, demons of many strains swam, swimming to the Ocean of Pain. For there, the demon to beget vampires was born, born to a new awakening, born for the rise of the vampires!", he finished. The vampires applauded more loudly. Darla jumped slightly and pumped her fists in the air.

Asbolom countered, "That was an honorable entry, Vessel. Yet how can you stand on your own to feet, when all the shoes you have were given to you by them. Take a look around. Go ahead, take a look around. I say...you've been tricked! You've been hood-winked! Bamboozled! We didn't land on Hellmouth, Hellmouth landed on us!" Asbolom raised his hammer. "We shall take back the night that is ours! Our enemies blood will flow like the smooth stroll of a pimp on acid, touring his turf! We our those that walk at night, the night of eternal blackness. Say it with me, Black is Beautiful!"

The vampires chanted, "Black is Beautiful! Black is Beautiful!" The Annointed looked at Asbolom. "Does this look like the Nation of Islam?", the child asked. "What, I'm the only Black vampire around?", Asbolom countered. "Well...yeah.", all the vampires said at once.

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?", the Brain asked his Slayer. "I think so Brain,", Pinky began. "But I thought that the blonde one was dressed as a school girl, not a cheerleader." "No Pinky.", the Brain hissed. "The Annointed obviously doesn't have the Master's skeleton yet, or is not promoting the return of the Master. He must be confident that he can lead the vampires into the next mellenium."

"Maybe he has some of the vampires dipping it in milk.", Pinky suggested. "What?", the Brain asked him. "Well, you know it's good for strong teeth and bones." Pinky proceeded to pick up some dirt and stuff it in his mouth. "Got milk?", he mumbled. "No.", the Brain said resigned to his fate of watching after Pinky. Pinky spat out as much of the dirt as he could. "If you hadn't gotten milk, why did you let me put all the dirt in my mouth? You know it's only good with milk.", Pinky admonished. His Watcher stopped watching the vampires, and turned to the Slayer. "If I could stop you from every monumentally stupid act you ever did, there would be at least 3 of me-one for restraining you, one for removing absolutely everything in your environment, and one for giving up as it would be an impossible task."

The Brain then looked around at the shadow that had loomed around him. The mice looked up to see what caused it. Pinky and the Brain were surrounded by the vampires. "We're door to door salesmen?", the Brain supposed.

"Then what are you selling?", the Annointed asked innocently. "But sire,", Asbolom hesitantly wagered speaking out against the Annointed. "Quiet, Colin is the Annointed.", Luke stated plainly. "Yes, Vessel.", Asbolom conceded. Luke tapped Pinky with a foot. "Well, what are you selling?", the large vampire asked.

"Uh, yes, our product...", the Brain began. "Have you ever wished you could wash clothes, make vegatable juice, and surf the internet at the same time?", Pinky asked brightly. Catching on, the Brain continued. "Then freinds, you simply must own the Wash...Mail...Juice-amatic ...2000! Yes, the Wash-Mail Juice-amatic 2000 will never let you go thirsty or uninformed when you don't have any clothes on because you're washing them!", the Brain said. "Just listen to this satisfied customer.", the mouse said, pointing behind the vampires.

All the vampires, from Darla to Pork and Beans, from Asbolom to Zachary, Luke the Vessel and Colin the Annointed...every single one of them took their eyes away from Pinky and the Brain and looked behind them. "Let's go Pinky.", the Brain whispered intently. "But Brain, I want to here what the satisfied customer has to say. Umph!", Pinky mumbeled when the Brain grabbed his snout and drug the Slayer away while the vampires (after observing the considerably small hieght of the salesmen) scanned the area in the opposite direction for an equally small customer of the Wash-Mail Juice-amatic 2000.

"Maybe he has one of those hologram finishes that you need to look at him from a certain angle to see him?", Darla asked Luke. "Holo... what?", Luke asked, shaking out his 19th century jacket.


* * *
"Buffy?", Buffy heard Giles say. The Slayer woke up slowly. "What is it Giles?", she asked testily. "Well, I do realize th-that you need to...to recover, as it were. However, Willow has left, and she left right after she saw your note. I was wondering if I might be able to help with the subject, after all-you were with Angel all last night and I am your Watcher."

"Yeah, sure, whatever.", Buffy said quietly. "Just lemme go back to sleep.", the Slayer instructed. Buffy pulled out the note, handed it to him, and was asleep before her head hit the table top. But her nap was not for long, as she was awakened by Giles' shreik. "What does this mean?!", he asked Buffy pointedly.

"I don't know, that's why I showed it to Willow.", Buffy replied. "Are you saying that you don't know if Angel slept with you again or not?", Giles asked impatiently. "Hey, no biggie.", the Master bones influenced Buffy stated. "As you said, we need all the help we can get. And if Angel helps, and I don't remember what happened last night, who cares?"

"You mean that if I could prove that sleeping with me would save the world...", Xander began. Unfortunately, Buffy hit Xander in the mouth to shut him up. "Ow,", the boy began, before Cordelia pinched him. Again. "Man, that does it.", Xander extoled. "Let me at the vampires. I'm kicking the crap out of somebody, and it ain't gonna be pretty!"

"That's it, I'm calling Angel's apartment and see if he can give me a straight answer.", Giles said. The Watcher exited to his office.

Then Willow walked in. Xander immediately returned to his usual goofiness. "Alright, I want you to meet my plan.", Willow said to the group. Chris and Eddie walked in to the library, both carrying a large amount of...stuff. Willow immediately began the introductions. "That's Giles, you already know Ms. Calander, you've met Buffy, Xander, Cordelia, and this is..."

"Amy", Chirs finished. "Yes, I am.", Amy said amicably. "How did someone like you end up in a group like this?", Chris asked her singularly. "Witch.", Amy said simply. "You?", she asked. Chris held up his parcel of tools, scrap materials and chemicals. "Mad scientist, I guess.", he said. "You don't look mad to me.", Amy commented. "You should see me after my coffee gets cold.", Chris joked. Amy smiled.

"Hey, baby.", Eddie said to Cordelia in an extra low, imitation Barry White voice. "Uuuhhhuuhhnn.", Cordelia whined, then hid behind Xander. Eddie shrugged his shoulders and walked over to Buffy. "How's it goin' sweet thing?", he asked. Buffy didn't raise her head from the table as her fist lashed out and knocked Eddie on the nose, sending the boy to the ground. "Okay, I get it, this isn't a study date.", Eddie said as he climbed off the floor.

Pinky and the Brain entered through Giles' office, with a much less heated Giles. "Did you find the vampires?", Willow asked the mice. "I don't know, what do you consider a vampire?", Pinky asked. The Brain quickly stated, "Yes, they were right where you said they were." "Then we have a plan.", Willow said happily. "I know this might sound ignorant, but what exactly is your plan Willow?", Ms. Calander asked her. Willow put one hand on Eddie's shoulder, and one Chris' shoulder (much to the dismay of Amy.).

"We're gonna make like a big budjet movie that couldn't afford a descent actor.", Willow said. "We're gonna make the biggest bomb that we can keep the Geneva Conventions out of."


* * *
Giles had just entered his office after finding Xander's little quip about fighting the vampire horde. The Watcher quickly (and clumbsily) dialed Angel's apartment on the phone. As soon as the librarian got an answer, "Angel, what have you done to my Slayer?".

"What?", Angelus asked. "Did the bandages I put on her slip or something?" "No.", Giles replied. "Then what in the hell are you talking about Watcher?", the vampire asked him. "This note, that's what in the hell! What is this about being tight?", Giles yelled back into the phone.

"Oh...that's vampire slang for rapidly healing skin.", Angelus lied. "Buffy's skin pulled together nicely, so I said that she was still tight as she ever was." Pinky and the Brain came to the outside door of Giles' office, the Librarian waved them through. "Very well. Auhm...I suppose that's all for now." Giles hung up.


* * *
"That English guy's a moron.", Angelus muttered. Angelus walked over to the 3 children currently tied with a bed sheet in his apartment. "See, Kenny was right, Cartman.", Kyle yelled at the fatter kid. "Kenny was not right.", Cartman replied easily. "This guy isn't a vampire."

Angelus switched faces and bared his fangs at the children. The kids screamed (and cursed...a lot). "Then how do you explain this, you pumpkin plump, size of Siberia, fatter than a farm feild, pansy?!", Angelus yelled at Cartman. "Uh...gingivitis?", Cartman supposed. "And I'm not fat! I'm big boned, Goddammit!"

"Uh, Mr. Vampire sir...", Stan began. "You only really need to eat one of us, and not only has Cartman been pissing you off, but he sweet and juicy." "Sweet and Juicy!", Kyle yelled. "Hey, what's with you guys?", Cartman asked nervously. "What about 'All For One And One For All'?", the fat kid asked. "That was the school play, fat ass. Now that we have vampires on our hands, I'm not going to act like a freakin' Musketeer!", Kyle yelled back.

Angelus let the children yell at each other, building up their blood pressure and adreniline. His only real concern was getting the bodies out of the apartment, and cleaning any possible...spills. That way at least no one could PROVE that he was messing with Buffy's mind.


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