Buffy Vs the Kool-Aid Demon: Buffy Vs the Kool-Aid Demon
by Kirbyclause
Buffy made her usual rounds through the cemetery. "You’d think the vamps might actually hang out someplace I could show off this new outfit.", Buffy said to herself. Then she heard a sloshing sound toward a mausoleum. Quietly, the Slayer entered the concrete tomb.

Once she was inside, she heard the sloshing grow louder. Then her senses commanded her to turn toward one of the walls. "Oh, yeah!", the giant Kool-Aid man yelled as he crashed through the wall of the tomb. "Oh, crap!", Buffy yelled before she started running.

Soon the Slayer was rapidly leaving the graveyard, with the image of a giant pitcher of Kool-Aid with a smiley face rubbed in the condensation formed on it. The Kool-Aid demon raced after her, carried by spandex clad legs and miraculously balanced by red spandex clad arms. Buffy didn’t stop until she out distanced the Kool-Aid monster and reached a pay phone.

With supernatural speed, the Slayer pulled a coins from her purse and rammed them into the phone. "Willow! A giant pitcher of Kool-Aid just attacked me.", she yelled into the phone.

"Word!", Willow answered.


* * *
Xander was absolutely giddy with excitement after a petting session with Cordelia. After a quick trip to the kitchen for drinks, he had returned only to find his new girlfriend in his room. The boy immediately spilled both drinks, didn’t risk ruining opportunity when it arose by cleaning it; and quickly dived on the bed next to Cordelia. He now lay beside, slobbering like a cartoon wolf.

Cordelia glared at him. "Xander laVelle Harris!", she warned. "Break the mood and I’ll break your neck." "No noose is good noose.", Xander replied.


* * *
Willow entered Xander’s house with the key he had secretly given her after the pair lost Jesse to the events on Hellmouth. As soon as the girl made it past the threshold, she heard scuffling in Xander’s room. "Oh no.", she muttered. Willow raced upstairs, worried that yet another monster might be trying to kill Xander. She was right.

"Noose, huh?!", Cordelia yelled at Xander while choking him with both hands on his bed. "I’ll show you noose!" "Cordelia, get off him.", Willow commanded. Cordelia allowed Xander to view his best friend. "See Willow.", Xander told her. "If you weren’t such a good little girl, I could have been having sex with you and Cordelia wouldn’t have choked me."

"Get off him.", Willow repeated. "You’re not choking him hard enough.", she said. And with that, Willow threw herself at Xander and put him in a head lock to be remembered.


* * *
Buffy took a careful look at Xander when he got to the Library. "Your ears look like they’ve swelled.", she commented. "What happened?" "The brain in my blood up backed.", Xander told her. He then shook his head. "I mean, the blood in my brain backed up. Willow’s a lot stronger than she looks."

"Well, mayhap she can tap into that energy for the upcoming battle.", Giles told them while coming out of his office with the biggest, oldest, most leathery book anyone has ever seen. "Against what?", Cordelia asked. "Why, the giant pitcher of Kool-Aid, of course.", the librarian told her.

"See, that’s where I have a problem. A conversation about us the giant pitcher of Kool-Aid is having.", Xander said. "Are you sure you’re alright Xander?", Buffy asked him. The boy rubbed his swollen ears. "I mean, we’re having a conversation about a giant pitcher of Kool-Aid. And I’m yes alright…I’m okay." The boy decided to change the topic of the discussion. "What threat does this pitcher pose?" Everyone moaned at the horrible pun.

Giles readjusted his glasses. "Well, Xander-the question is more of what threat has the demon posed and how might we put a stop to it. The demon was approached by a business man who learned of it through…let’s leave it at ‘unscrupulous ways’. The demonic drink was addictive to children though out the world, and its side effect was stupidity. Hence, the ‘dumbing’ down of American education."

Giles dramatically let the book fall on the table and whipped his glasses off like a true Shakespearian actor. "Now the monster is back from the evil from wence it came. It’s searching for the one girl in all the world…" "That would be me.", Buffy interjected. "…that shows through her high intellect that she had not been affected by the poisonous brew.", Giles concluded. "Strike me.", Buffy conceded. Cordelia punched her in the jaw as hard as she could.

"You told me to.", Cordelia said as the Slayer began to chase her around the library. "Ladies, we don’t have time for this.", Giles told them just as Buffy began to get her fingers in Cordelia’s hair. "We must locate this super smart girl." "Just did.", Xander said. The boy pointed to Willow’s right, shook his head, then pointed directly at her before returning to rubbing his neck.

"Willow never drank a drop of Kool-Aid ever.", he told them. "Well, thanks for bringing a giant, drink spewing, wall busting, demon on us, Willow.", Cordelia told her. Willow hung her head. "It was my father. He didn’t know if it was Kosher or not, so ‘I’d rather be safe than not get into heaven.’", she imitated. "So how do we stop it?", Buffy asked Giles.

Then the sloshing began again. Slosh. *pause* Slosh. *Pause* Slosh…slosh…slosh…Slosh. Slosh. Slosh. Then the library doors burst off their hinges and shattered on the ground. "Oh, yeah!!!", the giant Kool-Aid pitcher yelled. "Oh crap!", everyone else yelled in unison. Buffy whipped up her cross-bow and shot the giant demon. The arrow was easily deflected on the glass surface. The Kool-Aid monster counter attacked; bending over and drenching everything in the library with its red, sugary, stupefying brew.

"My dress! My very expensive, one of kind, specifically tailored, dress!", Cordelia moaned. "Alright designer imposter body juice boy, I’m going to kick your glass!", Cordelia yelled. She rushed the giant demon and jumped into a Bruce Lee, end of the movie, final boss, flying kick. Her retro heel cracked the pitcher, and blood red Kool-Aid spilled onto the floor.

The angered girl spun quickly, and shattered the smiley face. The Kool-Aid contained splattered everyone, the books, the furniture, and leaked out the hall and Giles office to broadcast the distruction. Cordelia blushed (but who could tell through the redness encasing them all). "Ghostbusters much?", she asked.

The Slayerettes looked at her, the shattered glass literring the floor...hell, everything. "I suppose this is where the last witty line closes the story.", Giles said dryly. "But I am unable to communicate in my typical entertaining manner.", Xander said. "Nor I. Dost thou believe yonder demon's demise caused ill effects, my Watcher?", Buffy asked. Giles and Willow looked at each other. "Excellent.", they softly confided.


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