Altered Chemistry: 3: South Park
by Kirbyclause
A tall, thin man with a banjo stands in a lone street of Sunnydale at night. "I came here to Sunnydale, got to get me somethin' dead.", he sings.
Willow and Xander appear. "Here, there're vampires everywhere. Just to make sure you stay scared.", they sing in unison. The banjo man continues, "I came here to Sunnydale, got to get a vampire in my bed."
Buffy stands out from behind Willow and Xander. "Ample parking day or night. People spouting 'Don't bite my neighbor'!", she yells at the top of her lungs. "Came here to Sunnydale, wish my blood don't get fed.", the Banjo man continues.
Oz walks out of Sunnydale High and mumbles something before the Banjo man speaks up again. "Came here to Sunnydale, hope I don't lose my head.", he concludes.
* * *
Summers, Xand, Willow, and Ozzy are all standing out on a corner waiting for the school bus to pick them up. "How was your time in L.A. Summers?", Xand asked. "How was your time in L.A.?", Summers mocked. "Only reason you want to know is because you're a loser.", she spat.
"I was surrounded by poor people-cabbage smelling, hippie wishing, poor people. I got screwed!", Summers told her freinds. "Why the bad attitude, Summers?", Xand asked. "Maybe her breasts got too heavy for her.", Willow suggested with a smile.
Xand took up the cue. "Yeah, Summers. Your breasts are so big, that if they were filled with gasoline we wouldn't have had to fight Saddam Hussein for Kuwait.", he teased. Willow, Xander and Oz laughed. "If your breasts had hydrogen in them, we would have three suns.", Willow said after him. The three were nearly rolling on the ground laughing. Buffy glared at them. "You're lucky you're my freinds.", she said. "If you didn't know that I don't have big breasts, I'm just thick ribbed, I'd have to slay you."
Ozzy pointed at Summers' breasts and let out a series of mumbles. "You son of a bitch, I'll cut your guts out and feed them to Xand's gay dog!", she yelled. Summers lunged, but Xand and Willow tried to hold her back. "Calm down, Summers. He was only kidding.", Xand told her. "You peice of crap! I'll kill you!", Buffy yelled. Ozzy took off running.
Seeing that Ozzy was getting away, Summers calmed down. "Okay, guys.", she said. "I'm cool." Xand and Willow let go of the Slayer. Summers intantaneously pulled out her cross bow and fired an arrow at Oz. It peirced the back of Ozzy's neck, went through his spinal cord and trachea, the tip poked out the front of his throat, and the momentum carried the boy until the arrow embedded in a tree and he slid off leaving a trail of gore. "Oh my God, you killed Ozzy!", Xand yelled at Summers. "You bastard!", Willow yelled at her. "Oh look, the bus is here.", Summers calmly commented.
The school bus drew to a stop in front of the remaining three children. When the door openned, Amy started yelling at them. "Get on the bus, we're running late!", she cried. "We're always running late, you stupid bitch.", Xand muttered under his breath. Amy's eyes turned solid black, and shimmering red energy formed in a cloud around her. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!", she yelled at him. Xand cowered, "I said you're a very beautiful witch.". "Oh, thank you.", she accepted.
The kids got on the bus, and immediately headed to the back of the bus. After they sat down, Willow asked Buffy, "What's with the attitude Summers?". "What would you know about attitudes, jew?", Summers replied. "Oh, right. Yeah...right. Your mother's the queen bitch of all attitudes.", Buffy made a show of realizing.
"God damn it, Summers. I told you not to call my mom a bitch!", Willow ranted back. "Well, did you ever suppose that if she wasn't a bitch, I wouldn't point out that truth?", Summers said back. Willow abruptly turned away from Summers. "Man, Summers.", Xand began. "You're acting worse our the bus driver when the bitch found out she had whiter skin than Micheal Jackson."
"What did you say?!", Amy said from the front of the bus. "I said, 'It's nice to be back here relaxin'.'.", Xander told her. "Yes, I suppose it is.", Amy conceded.
* * *
Mr. Giles and the children stood in the Library, with the ever present Ms. Calander puppet on his hand. "Today is Buffy's first day back, so I would like to dismiss all of you except Buffy. Is that okay, Ms. Calander?", he asked the puppet. "It's fine by me, Mr. Giles.", Giles said speaking for the puppet.
After Xand and Willow left, Mr. Giles turned to Buffy. "Why don't you ask Ms. Calander what you're going to be training in today?", the Watcher asked. "Because I'm not talking to Ms. Calander. I'm talking to you!", Buffy asserted. "Oh, I think you should ask Ms. Calander.", Mr. Giles countered. Summers sighed. Resigned she asked, "Ms. Calander, what are we going to train in today?".
Ms. Calander immediatly flew into a temer tantrum. "You stupid little bitch! I'm gonna run you till the runnin' 's done!", Mr. Giles yelled for her. "You're gonna do push ups with cars on your back! You're gonna do quadruple spin kicks in mid air! We'll shrink those breasts of yours yet!", the puppet master contiued.
"You dumb psycho!", Summers spat back. "I'm not big breasted, I'm interesting at a frat party.", she told him. Mr. Giles clucked his tongue. "I could have excused the dumb psycho remark, but not facing reality is quite another thing. I'm going to have to send you to the counselor's office."
* * *
Counselor Snyder sat in a chair directly infront of Buffy Summers. "Buffy, Mr. Giles sent you down here for a reason-okay?", he began. "Either you had foul language-okay-or some other behavioral problem-okay? I'm here to help you deal with it okay?" "Okay.", Summers said. "Okay.", Counselor Snyder agreed. "Okay?", Summers asked. "Okay.", Counselor Snyder assured. "Okay.", Summers agreed again, hiding the smile. "Okay.", the counselor agreed again.
"Now, Mr. Giles-okay? He said you've got an attitude problem-okay?", Snyder continued. "Okay.", Summers stated. "Okay?", Counselor Snyder asked again. "Okay?", Summers asked back. "Okay.", he asserted.
And so that continued, with nothing being accomplished for a few more minutes and a hundred "mmm, Okay?"s. Eventually, Snyder let Summers go, and meet her freinds out in that hall. "That old @$%!. He doesn't know a damn thing.", Summers confided. Xand (remembering Buffy's previous mood) changed the subject.
"Hey, you know that Cibo Matto's playing at the Bronze tonight?", he asked. Summers wasn't looking at him. "Hey, here comes Cordy Testaburger.", she said. "Where?", Xand asked drooling. "You're never gonna make sweet love down by the fire with your tongue hanging out like that.", Willow told him. "Shut up, Willow. I hate her!", he replied. Summers smiled. "Well, if you hate her so much, how come you throw up every time she talks to you?", she asked. "I do not!", Xand protested.
"Hi, Xand.", Cordy cooed. Xand heaved instantly. "Eeeww, gross!", Cordy spouted. Then she completly returned to the perfect picture of serenity. "Since you can't talk to me without throwing up, I'd thought I'd just give you this note.", Cordy contined. "Blaah!", Xand vomited. Cordy quickly stepped back, handed the note to Willow, and left.
Willow read the note with amazement. "Dude!", she exclaimed. "She wants to meet you at the Cibo Matto concert tomorrow." "You better go home and not eat anything until then.", Summers advised. "Screw you, Summers.", Xand replied.
* * *
When Buffy got home, her mother was already there. "Hello, honey.", Summer's mom greeted. "Mom, the kids at school say I have big breasts.", Buffy complained. "That's rediculous honey.", Summer's mom told her. "You're just festively plump." "That's what I told them. They said my chest scraped the ground and the sky at the same time."
* * *
Over at the cemetary, trouble was brewing in Sunnydale. A black vampire in a hawaiian shirt and a fishing hat led several other vampires to a specific grave, as well as the Annointed on a leash (whatever creature he was). "Tonight my freinds...", Dr. Asbolom told them. "Is the beginning of the Slayer's destruction. It is the beginning of the rivers that flow full of blood. It is the rebirth...of a four-assed Master!", he yelled.
The other vampires looked at each other. One of them spoke up. "Um...why a four assed Master? Wasn't the one we had a good one?", he asked. Dr. Asbolom slapped him. "Fool. Any creature with four asses is genetically superior to one with only one. Now dig. We have a Master to ressurect."
The vampires dug into the grave, but one became distracted. "Yes, what is it?", Dr. Asbolom asked the vampire. "Uh, I don't mean any disrespect...", the vampire began. "But what is that thing?", he asked pointing to the Annointed. "It is the Annointed.", Asbolom said. "Well, I know that. But what is it? I'm not digging another inch until someone tells me what the hell that thing is.", he stated. "But the Master...", Dr. Asbolom pleaded. "Oh...okay.", the vampire conceded and returned to digging.
* * *
The fateful night of Cibo Matto's concert came. Xand and Willow were at a table, waiting for Cordy and Summers to arrive. Cordy was the first to arrive. "Hi Xand, how do you like my new thousand dollar dress?", she asked. Xand vomited on it. Cordy smiled, "I know that was a compliment." Xand vomited again...twice. Cordy frowned. "What was the second one for?", she asked. Then she turned her head and saw.
Summers had walked in with the world's record of low cut dresses, held on by less material than Pauly Shore's repetiore. She was pushing her cleavage to the max, and got the attention of every male in the tri-county area. When she finally came up to the table, she talked breathlessly. "Hello, Xand.", she said simply. Xand vomited on the floor, with his eyes glued to her cleavage.
Cordy fumed furiously, and reached around in her purse for a pocket knife. Fortunately, Angel took that moment to appear. "Hello, children.", he greeted. "Hi, Angel.", the teens all replied at once. "How are my little mortals doing today?", he asked kindly. "Bad.", Willow stated. Angel turned a look of concern at Willow. "Why bad?", he asked. "Buffy has had a bug up her ass the size of one of her breasts ever since she got back from L.A.!", Cordy snapped.
"Cordy, you know that's impossible.", Angel told her. "It's probably just her alien anal probe acting up again.", he suggested. "God damn it! I did not have an anal probe!", Summers yelled. "And my breasts aren't big, I'm festively proportioned!"
"Screw you guys!", Summers continued. "Xand, let's see how you dance.", Buffy said. She dragged a still partially paralyzed out on the dance floor, and stuck her tongue out at the furious Cordy. Summers took the oppurtunity of a slow song to press tightly against Xand, rubbing him in all the right ways. Xand's dropped jaw and hazy stare edged her to turn and press her back to his crotch, pulling him closer by putting thumbs in his pants pockets. "uhhh...", Xand gurgled. "Don't you wish I'd thank you for saving my life?", she asked the boy breathlessly.
Xand immediately vomited. "Eeeewww! That's gross Xand!", Summers told him. Summers walked quickly to her chair, picked up her purse and hurried out the club. "Remind me to kick her ass good after the Annointed's forces are dealt with.", Angel said. But Cordy had already rushed out the club after her.
Cordy ran up to the rushing Buffy. In her typical sweet voice, Cordy Testaburger spoke. "Summers, I would very much like to say something to you.", she said to the Slayer. Summers turned, "And what would that be?"
"DON'T %$@! WITH ME!!!", Cordy spat. "What?", Summers said incredulously. "You heard me! Stay away from my man you little &^%&! Go campaign for Bitch Of The Year some other way!", Cordy spat. Summers smiled. "Worried I'll take your title?", she asked coyly. Cordy walked up to her. "You keep acting this way, and you'll lose the loser freinds you already have.", she said.
Summers rolled her eyes and walked away. Cordy called after her. "Maybe I'll just go see if Angel has any more of those Cheesy Poofs.", Cordy called. Summers ignored her.
And hence, Summers ignored the muffled gurgles that sounded when Cordy was kidnapped by the vampires.
* * *
Summers walks into the student lounge. Xand and Willow are on different sides of a table on seperate couches. Summers goes off and gets cheesy poofs before sitting down. Xand and Willow start singing 'Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo'. Mr. Giles comes up to the group.
Summers straightens instantly, setting down her cheesy poofs and standing before Mr. Giles. "Ms. Calander told me that there's something serious going on with the vampires recently.", he told her. "No problem. I'll slay the crap out of those buck-toothed bastards.", Buffy assures him. Ms. Calander (the puppet) comes to life.
"Oh, I don't know about that, Summers.", she says in her own voice. "It wasn't too hard for him to kill you the first time." Summers looks back at Mr. Giles, and he has changed into the Master. Mr. Master shoves Buffy down onto the table, and the Ms. Calander puppet has become the Annointed.
"Aaa!", Summers yelled as she woke up. The Slayer looked at the window and saw nothing. After she blinked, Angel was standing there. "Hi, Angel.", Summers said as all the children did. "Don't you 'Hi, Angel' me.", Angel snapped.
"Strange things are goin' on, child. Your freinds need you. And you here all sleep like you tryin' to get me to kick yo' ass.", Angel scolded. Summers glared at him. "You know what, it would be funny to see what you would look like in a jail cell with a window facing the sun. Sooo...maybe you should get your un-dead, black clad, bastard ass self THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!", Summers screamed so loud that her open mouth had forced her to close her eyes. When she openned them, Angel was already gone.
* * *
Mr. Giles sat with Xand and Willow in the school's cafeteria. "You should have seen her, Mr. Giles.", Willow exclaimed. "He was shaking her ass like a BangKok bar girl. She has to be possessed." "Aren't we overlooking the fact that she might want to be nice to me?", Xand asked. Mr. Giles, Ms. Calander, and Willow all stared Xand down. "What?", he asked.
Willow shook her head. "I don't think you want Cordy to hear that one.", she said. Then she turned to Mr. Giles. "What do you think could make her into such a butch bitch?", Willow asked. Xand turned to his left. "Ozzy, what's butch?", he asked. Then he realized, "Hey, that's right. She killed Ozzy!", he yelled again. Willow stood up and yelled, "You bastard."
Willow recieved a punch in the mouth from a very disturbed Summers. Xand moved to stand, but Summers swung her leg around and forced him over the back of his chair. The Slayer then threw herself at Mr. Giles and Ms. Calander.
"The Master's coming back!", she screamed at the librarian after she pinned him to the ground and wrapped her hands around his neck. "Why didn't you tell me, Mr. Giles?", Summers yelled. "Calm down.", Willow ordered forcefully. "Why are the vampires coming back, Mr. Giles?", she continued while tightening her hold on him. "Why aren't you with your books, Mr. Giles?! Why were you measuring me for underwear, Mr. Giles?!" "Dude!", Xand screamed at her.
Summers calmed down, but still held Mr. Giles to the floor. "I have never heard of a revivication ceremony being successful.", Ms. Calander wheezed with Mr.Giles' voice. "But you've heard of them?", Xand asked. "This is really &%$#ed up right in through here.", he commented.
"What's going on-okay?", Counselor Snyder asked after a sudden appearance. "Is everyone okay-okay?", he continued. "Yeah, we're all okay.", Willow told him. "Okay.", Snyder said. "Okay.", Xand said. "Okay.", Mr. Snyder repeated. "Okay.", Willow said again. "Okay.", the counselor said again. "Okay.", Summers said and smirked. "Okay.", Mr. Snyder, said. All four of them were laughing out loud by the time Mr. Snyder went back to his office.
After they got up from laughing, Summers returned to her disturbed mode. "Okay, we need to get info on this ceremony.", she told the others. "You go to the Library and do research. I'll get us some cheesy poofs."
* * *
"Ah, ah, ah...", Mr. Giles began. The Watcher looked up from a book written in Latin. "It says here that the vampires need the blood of whoever's closest to the Master to revive him.", he told the children. "That would be Summers.", Xand said. "Why do you say that?", Willow asked him. "Well, with breasts that big, how could she help but be close to him.", he quipped. "You son-of-a-bitch. You probably were real close to him, since your dog is a gay homosexual.", Summers replied. "Well, at least my mother isn't on the cover of 'Antique Crack Whore' magazine!", Xand shot back.
Everyone's jaw dropped. "What did you say?", Summers asked. Then a rock flew in the window with a note attached. The Slayer caught it easily.
"This is Cordy's.", Summers commented as she took off the hair piece holding the note to the rock. "Come to the Bronze alone, or we make her a meal.", she read out loud. "Gee, I didn't know vampires licked carpet.", Xand commented. Everyone turned and stared at him. "Okay, I'm going to act like I didn't say that."
"I'm going.", Summers said. "You're quite right, lets go.", Mr. Giles said. "No, I'm going. Not you, not the civilians, me.", she told her Watcher. "But what about the rest of the note?", Willow asked. "What rest?", Summers replied. "The part that said, 'p.s. For stupid bitches that can't figure out that this is a trap, listen to your freinds. This is a trap you stupid bitch!'.", Willow supplied.
"Your mom's a stupid bitch.", Summers yelled back at her. "Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Antique Crack Whore magazine.", Willow shot back. "God damn it! My mother is not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!", Summers yelled and ran out of the library.
* * *
Summers walked down the back alley behind the Bronze, only to come face to face with Angel. "Hi, Angel.", she said testily. "Don't you 'Hi, Angel' me child.", Angel shot back. "I know you came here for that little Cordy girl. You know she might already be dead.", Angel told her.
"That's just it.", Summers shot back. "You're just wandering around here with all this death, and you're never gonna die. Maybe you'd realize I'm the Slayer if I gave you a little death.", she stated grimly. "Child, what are you talkin' 'bout?!", Angel asked confusedly. Summers walked up to him cooly. "Oh, just that you're a vampire...I'm the Slayer...Let's see who has the bragging rights. I'll ROSHENKO you for them."
Angel growled. "Don't you have someplace to be?", the vampire asked. "No, Terrence and Philip aren't on until...Oh, yeah. Cordy!", Summers realized. The two raced down the alley and burst into the deserted Bronze.
Besides the pair, there was only a lone female form. Angel sniffed the air. "That's not Cordy. That Xand boy's vomit isn't on her.", he stated. The female turned, revealing her fangs. "You vomit on each other. And mortals call vampires sick!", she exclaimed.
* * *
"Ah, ah, ah...a little more to the left, Willow.", Mr. Giles said. "Mmm-hmm.", the supple young girl agreed. She then raked her nails across Mr. Giles' back to his left side. "Ah...yes. Thank you, Willow. You can do wonderful things with your hands.", Mr. Giles told her. "You'd scratch my back if I had an itch.", Willow told him. (What did the reader think was being discussed? Even South Park doesn't get into pedophelia!)
Mr. Giles returned to the book in Latin. "Here it is.", he declared. Ms. Calander continued. "It is actually nearest, as in who was in the room where the Master died.", Ms. Calander said with Mr. Giles voice. "So it's not a trap?", Xand asked. "Damn, now we're still going to have to deal with Summers' bitching!", he exclaimed.
Mr. Giles shook his head. "No, it was a trap. It just wasn't for her.", he told the children. Willow and Xand turned to face the vampires standing on the upper level of the library.
* * *
Summers thrust the subdued and restrained vampire into Angel's arms. "Don't kill her unless you have to.", she instructed. "I need to get back to the library."
As soon as the captured vampire was sure the Slayer had gone, she turned a freindlier face to Angel. "You know, we could do anything until the Slayer comes back.", she purred, hoping to seduce her way out of the trap. "You like makin' sweet love down by the fire, woman?", Angel asked. "Mmm...This is going to be easier than I thought.", she murmured.
* * *
Summers rushed into the library. She walked in on the remains of a warzone. The table was on its side, chairs were thrown about, even Mr. Giles' office door was ripped off its hinges. Xand's hand grasped the side of the table, and he pulled himself up.
"Xand, you're bleeding!", Summers observed. Xand glared at her. "*&$% this, Summers. You're not going insane, you're ^@#(#$&$(#^#^@&**#@!*^ (#*@#*(@#&#(@&#(&#$($)##&@*&^#()!^#$%*&@$^ !", he yelled at her. "Dude!", Summers exlaimed. Xand continued for nearly a minute while Summers could only stare on in awe. "I have to ask.", she said after he was threw venting. "What's a *&#%#*@^#&(@(#^@#^**@^#?!"
Xander shook his head sorrowfully. Buffy dismissed it. "Come on Xand-man, I think I got a way to get them back."
* * *
A few moments later, Summers and Xand rushed into the Bronze. The vampiress crawled over to the two mortals. "I'll tell you where they are, just make him stop!", she begged.
The pair looked over at Angel, now completly absorbed in his own world of song. "I said, I said, I said, I wanna wanna wanna make SSSsssSSS- wee-heee-eet love to you womaaaaan.", the vampire continued. "Angel!", Summers snapped at him. "Down by the fire/Fire/fire/FIRE!", he went on. "ANGEL!", Summers repeated. Angel continued to sing on. "ANGEEEEEELLL!!!", Summers screamed. Angel stopped singing, and took in his environment. "Oh, sorry children."
After a moment of quiet, the three turned to the captured vampire. "Now what were you saying about knowing where they are?", Summers asked her calmly. "Heh?", the vampire asked sheepishly.
* * *
A little while later, the three were in the shadows of the factory serving as Vampire Central. Cordy, Mr. Giles, Ms. Calander and Willow hung upside down from a chain held above the Master's skeleton. Dr. Asbolom displayed a knife to the surrounding vampires. "From these four mortal asses of four mortal beings, I will call forth a four-assed immortal being!", the vampire preached.
One vampire raised his hand. Dr. Asbolom acknowledged him. "Isn't it really only 3 asses, as Ms. Calander is a puppet?", he asked. Asbolom replied, "That's not a puppet, she's just short for her age." The vampire raised his hand again. "What now?", Dr. Asbolom asked. "Since we already have the mortals and the skeleton, can I please ask what exactly is that Annointed thing you have there?", he asked. "No, time is of the essence.", Asbolom replied quickly.
"Psst, Summers.", Xand hissed. "We need a plan, now.", he whispered intently. "You and Angel go get everyone.", the Slayer told them. "You'll need to distract the vampires, child.", Angel told Summers. "Oh, I'll distract them.", she replied. "I'm going to play Roshenko with them whether they like it or not."
Asbolom leaned toward the Annointed with a knife. "For the old one, for his pain...for the dark.", he preached. "For the dark.", the vampires repeated. Except for one. The questioning one had gotten his genitals kicked in by the Slayer.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Were those your nuts?", Summers asked. The vampires roared in response. "Look, I'll Roshenko you for the skeleton. If you can still stand up after I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, I'll just leave with my freinds and you can keep the bones.", she pleaded. The vampires rushed.
Summers grabbed the closest vampire and threw her into the paths of the others. Immediatly, she broke a torch off and started staking and burning vampires. Angel and Xand ran to where the chain ended, and started pulling the mortals to safety.
Dr. Asbolom screeched. "NO! Stop them! I must have my four assed master!", he yelled. "Why don't you tie eight thigh masters together, then?", Summers yelled. The Annointed looked at the rescued humans and the ashes of slain vampires. It (?) broke free and left out the back. Angel and Xand came down, and Dr. Asbolom was soon surrounded. His last words, "I may be but a man, but I make the asses of the gods!".
"That was unequivacably freaky.", Willow commented. Summers turned to the Master's skeleton. "There's only one thing left to do.", she said. "Dump Xand, dump Xand.", Cordy chanted with crossed fingers. "I don't want Xand.", the Slayer told her. "Yes!", the girl yelled.
Summers took one last look at the Master. "ROSHENKO!", she yelled, and brought her foot down on the Master's pelvis.
* * *
Ozzy, Xand, Summers, and Kyle were waiting for the bus the next day. "Are you sure you guys forgive me?", Summers asked. Ozzy rolled his eyes at her, while the others nodded. "I'll make it up, I promise.", she told him.
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