Which choice is made better with love: chapter one
by Spikes Queen
Buffy went to the kitchen and noticed Spike on the back porch. “Hey. You okay?” She asked, going out to watch him pace.

Spike stopped pacing and looked at her. “I don’t know,” Spike said, softly.

“Is this because I went out with the principle?” Buffy asked.

Spike shook his head. “No, it’s not that.”

Buffy frowned. “Well come on,” she said sitting on the front steps. “Sit and tell me what’s wrong.”

“Did anyone tell you what happened around here tonight?” Spike asked, sitting beside her.

“Willow did. The first is back in the mix,” she said, clasping her hands together.

Spike sighed. “This first isn’t finished with me, Buffy. I don’t think it’s safe for me to stay her anymore,” he said, softly.

Buffy looked up at him in surprise. “Whaddaya mean?”

Spike looked at her. “I mean, I should leave town before something does happen.”

“What about me?” Buffy asked, softly.
Spike’s heart shattered. “Don’t make this harder, Buffy. I don’t wanna leave again, but I’d rather leave then hurt you or the people around you,” he whispered.

Buffy got up and went down the stairs. “And what am I supposed to do?” She whispered, not looking at him.

“Buffy…” Spike said.

Buffy turned angrily. “NO!” She flared. “You can’t leave again. What I went through while you were away, I can’t go through that again.”

Spike looked at her disbelieving. “What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t stay. When I came back, I wanted you to kill me because I can’t stand being her and not having you anymore. Then somehow we ended up where we are and I’m okay with that. But I cannot hurt you again. I’d rather you stake before I ever do something like that again,” he said, now standing in front of her.

“Spike,” Buffy whispered. “If you leave you’ll hurt me. When Willow went crazy, I brought Dawn to your place after what happened. I still trusted you even after what you did.”

“You did?” Spike asked, surprised.

“Yeah.” Buffy took his hands in hers. “I still trusted you. Then I found out that you left and that’s what hurt me.”

Spike closed his eyes to keep his tears at bay. “Buffy,” he whispered.

Buffy guided his hands to her hips and brought hers to his face. “Spike, look at me.”

Spike’s eyes opened with unshed tears and he began to shake a little.

“Hey, it’s okay. Just relax,” Buffy said, soothingly.

Hesitantly, Spike pulled her close to him. “I just… Buffy, I don’t wanna hurt you again.”

“I know and you wont. I promise.’’ She kissed his forehead tenderly. “Come on, lets go get some sleep.”

Buffy pulled him inside and downstairs, where she sat him on his cot. “For once, Spike listen to me.”

Spike stood up. “No. Buffy, all I ever do is listen to you. Every time I listen to you one of us gets hurt. I don’t wanna hurt you and you have already hurt me enough. There’s nothing left except I think I still love you and I’m still here,” he said.

“So it’s my fault?” Buffy flared, tears in her eyes.

“Not that I would ever say it,” Spike said.
“You don’t have to,” Buffy growled. “How is it my fault? You attacked me!” She paused when guilt washed over Spike’s face. “Spike, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” she said, stepping toward him.”

Spike flinched away from her. “No, you did, and you’re right. I did attack you,” he said, going towards the stairs.

“Oh no. You are not leaving like this,” Buffy flared. “Why is it my fault?”

“Don’t make me say something I’m gunna regret,” Spike said.

“You… stupid, dopey vampire! Tell me,” she said.

“No. I don’t wanna talk about it,” Spike said.

Tears came to Buffy’s eyes. “Spike, please. I want us to fix this.”

“We can’t. Buffy, don’t you get it?” Spike flared.

“No, I don’t,” Buffy whispered. “Why don’t you wanna be with me?”

Spike bowed his head. “Every time we’re together, one of us gets hurt. You chose Riley and you definitely would have chosen Angel also. I can’t have a relationship like that, where I’m second best. That’s what happened with Dru. I’d do anything for you and you keep shutting me out. I do wanna be with you, but you don’t wanna be with me. Not really,” he said, softly.

Buffy went up to him and kissed him softly. “You have no idea what I want,” she said, softly. “You can’t tell me that I don’t want you, cause you have no idea what I feel,” she said.

“Then explain it to me cuz your killing me Buffy,” Spike whispered.

“I miss you. I miss being with you. Everything I do, everything I touch, reminds me of you. Then I come home and you don’t even wanna be in the same room with me. That hurts more than anything,” she said, moving away from him. “When I come home from work, I go to see you cuz I want to. I miss working with you, just joking around with each other. Every time I’m near you, you become tense and bad moody. I know you feel bad about what happened but, God, I don’t care,” she said. “Spike, I just don’t care anymore.”

“Well I care,” Spike said. “I can’t show you how sorry I am.”

“Goddamn it, Spike! Do you not here the words coming out of my mouth?” Buffy flared. “If I need to say it I will, but I forgave you the second you left, just like you forgave me for all the things I did.”

“Buffy it’s not that simple,” Spike said.

“Why?” Buffy asked.

“’Cause I don’t know how I feel about you anymore,” Spike said softly.


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