Ginsu Knife Cordelia: Part One
by Kevin Latcher
EXT. WHITECASTLE PAWN, SUNNYDALE - (SUNSET)

Above the lonely and seemingly rundown pawnshop a wooden sign is nailed. It reads “Whitecastle Pawn” in white letters and has in the center a drawing of wild west folk legend and gunslinger Sam Whitecastle. Below the picture of Whitecastle a white banner hangs. Blowing in the slight breeze the sign reads,” Under New Ownership.”

Out of the pawnshop steps the new owner, NATHAN DEALER. In a strange way, Dealer almost resembles Whitecastle, but looks less threatening in a suit and tie and with a much thinner mustache. Dealer cleans the display window with Windex. As he does a pair of hands adds another item to the display case. It is a spectacular looking sword, which shines in the sunlight. The blade is shined so well that it reflects perfectly. Dealer looks at the blade and smiles. He sighs and looks out on the empty street.

DEALER :(with a slight southern accent) I can tell I’m really gonna like this place. It’s got tremendous potential.

LEE, Dealer’s assistant steps out of the shop and looks around nervously. The Asian man is tall and thin but muscular. He is shaved bald and looks like he hasn’t smiled in years. Lee squirms uncomfortably in his suit.

LEE: (in perfect English) Do you think it is wise to leave the sword out in the open like this master?

DEALER: Gotta advertise Lee. How else am I gonna get us noticed.

LEE: The sword will attract the wrong kind of crowd.

DEALER: (laughing) There is no such thing as the wrong kinda crowd in the pawn business.

Dealer pulls out an antique watch and pops it open.

DEALER: Well it’s official, sunset. Better get ready for visitors.

Dealer and Lee head inside.

EXT. WHITECASTLE PAWN - TWENTY MINUTES LATER (NIGHT)

A beat up classic black car with the windows paint black pulls up in front of the shop. Out of the driver’s side emerges a perturbed looking SPIKE. He opens the passenger side of the car. Inside is a conscious and pouting DRUSILA. She is wearing a pair of handcuffs.

SPIKE: Everybody out of the car.

DRUSILA: (adamant) No!

SPIKE: Oh come on you can’t still be wound up about that Angel thing. I told you I did it for you!

DRUSILA: (getting angry) I can still smell her all over you, like a stench, it makes me all queasy in the head..

Drusila faints.

SPIKE: Fine, but this is our last stop before blowing Sunnydale. I wanted to pick up a few items, maybe even a little gift, but hey, if you wanna stay in the car that’s fine with me..

Drusila suddenly opens her eyes and brightens up.

DRUSILA: You were going to buy me a gift?

SPIKE: (touching her on the cheek) You know, something for the road trip, like one of those music boxes you fancy so much.

DRUSILA: With one of those pretty little ballerinas inside that twirl around to the little music when ever you open it?

SPIKE: Sure thing pet. So you want to come or what.

Drusila nods her head in excitement. Spike helps her out of the car.

SPIKE: But you know the rules Dru, you keep it cool or daddy has to put the cuffies back on.

DRUSILA: (smiling) I’ll behave.

Spike unlocks the cuffs and frees Drusila. She starts to happily twirls around, singing to herself. The pair walk up to the pawn shop display window. Spike stares hungrily at the sword in the display case.

Spike stops Drusila’s spinning and makes her look at the sword.

SPIKE: Look at it Dru, after all these years, the Sword of Oyama.

DRUSILA: (putting her ear to the glass) It sings to me, like a choir full of birds with no wings.

SPIKE: And it’s been on my Christmas list for sometime now. You know what kind of fun we can have with this?

DRUSILA: (smiling) It wreaks of blackness.

SPIKE: And who better to own such a wonderful toy than yours truly?

There is a loud clearing of the throat near the door. Spike and Drusila turn and see Dealer standing in the doorway just inside his store.

DEALER: Is there anything I can do for you this fine evening sir?

SPIKE: The sword in the window, how much?

DEALER: It ain’t for sale son.

Spike menacingly walks toward Dealer who does not even flinch. He faces Dealer on the outside end of the doorway.

SPIKE: That’s good, cause I wasn’t planning on paying for it.

Spike’s face reverts to true form and he lunges toward Dealer. However, an unseen force prevents him from entering the shop. Spike tries again but is repulsed again.

SPIKE: (enraged) What gives! This store is open to the public!

A perfectly calm Dealer points to a sign on the door.

DEALER: See the sign boy. Allow me to read it to ya. No shoes, no shirt, no soul, no service.

SPIKE: Real cute old man. It just means I’ll have to burn the stinking place to the ground to get to the sword.

Drusila comes up to Spike and begins caressing him on the shoulders.

DRUSILA: There there, love, leave the nice old man be.

SPIKE: (angrily) But I want the sword.

DRUSILA: But the nice old man wants to sell the sword to someone else.

SPIKE: Who?

DRUSILA: (devilishly) The nice old man wants to sell it to the slayer.

SPIKE:(bursting out into laughter) The slayer? You’ve got to be joking!

DRUSILA: The nice old man isn’t laughing.

DEALER: (dead serious) She’s right son, I ain’t in a jocular mood.

Dealer produces a music box and hands it to Drusila. Drusila opens the box and sees the little ballerina spinning to soft music. She lights up with joy and watches the ballerina spin.

DEALER: Take it, on the house, so long as you two make haste with the leaving.

SPIKE: Oh this is too much! This is perfect! It’ll save us the trouble! Let her have the thing! (to Dealer) Good luck to ya mate! Come on Dru I’m starved, let’s go find us some thing to snack on for the road.

Spike and Drusila start to walk away.

DRUSILA: Can it be a member of the chess club? They always melt in my mouth.

The two walk back to the car and Dealer sighs.

EXT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT

A mysterious figure in black moves quickly through the bushes and into the school.

INT. LIBRARY

XANDER and WILLOW are attempting to study history with little success. GILES is in the background quietly and neurotically sorting books.

WILLOW: Okay, for 300 points name the third party Teddy Roosevelt ran under in 1912?

XANDER: Ah.. The manly men with mustaches who like to hunt big game party?

WILLOW: (making a buzzing noise) Sorry that’s incorrect, we were looking for the Bull-Moose Party.

XANDER: Oh come on that has to be the lamest party name I’ve ever heard of! Bull Moose! Please I could do better than that!

WILLOW: Like what?

XANDER: I don’t know.. the United Kermit and Fozie Party.

WILLOW: (laughing) The what?

XANDER: You heard me, the United Kermit and Fozie Party as in Kermit the Frog and Fozie Bear, you know those muppet things that we used to worship when we were six.

WILLOW: That’s not better than Bull Moose.

XANDER: (closing his book) Don’t care. I’m calling it. Time of brain death 6:40 p.m.

WILLOW: You can’t call it, the history final is tomorrow.

XANDER: Can not be helped the shot glass that is my brain is full. I absorb one more fact and I forget how to tie my shoes.

WILLOW: But your not allowed to call brain death. It takes two people to call brain death, and with Buffy gone you..(trailing off)

XANDER: She’s going to come back, I mean come on, she’s the slayer.

WILLOW: But it’s been a week and nothing. Just that note she left her mom.. She’s still wanted for murder, she’s been expelled from school, and her mom went into the stratosphere of wigging when she heard about the whole slayer thing.. Why would she come back?

XANDER: (adamantly) She’s coming back,(to Giles) Tell her Giles.

GILES: (unenthusiastically as he shelves) She’s coming back, she’s the slayer, it’s her destiny, she’s the chosen one, so and so on..

XANDER: You know with a passion like that I bet we could market Giles here as one of those Motivational Tony Robbins speakers. Relax, we can handle things while Buffy is doing that whole soul searching life planning thing.

WILLOW: You’re right. We have the experience, and with Angel, Spike, and Drusila gone we can handle the leftovers. And, who knows, maybe Kendra’s replacement will show up to pinch hit..(stops) Did that sound as morbid as I thought it did?

XANDER: (patting Willow) Yeah but we’re all thinking the same thing. Come on, it’s late, we’re spending way too much time in this library anyhow.

XANDER:(yelling to Giles) Yo, G we left you some lunch on the table. Get something to eat, there’s nothing worse than an anorexic Brit.

Xander turns to Willow who has opened up her laptop and is firing it up.

XANDER: I thought we were bailing.

WILLOW: Just let me check my E-mail and we can get out of here.

Willow types furiously on her computer and logs on to the Internet.

XANDER: You expecting some Cyper-porn?

WILLOW: No, an Italian Monk is supposed to be sending me some information about biological warfare the Vatican tried to use against Vampires during the Middle Ages.

Xander and Willow watch the screen. The “Mail Box” has one message in it. The message is from a “Celest.666.”

XANDER: Celest666, now that’s a name any monk can be proud of.

WILLOW: It’s not the monk, he goes by the name Holydude. I don’t know who Celest666 is.

XANDER: Well, the suspense is killing me, open it.

WILLOW: Why, you know it’s going to be bad.

XANDER: Bad can be cool too you know.

Willow reluctantly opens the mail. A brief message appears on the screen. Willow’s eyes go wide, and Xander’s jaw drops.

BOTH: (yelling) Giles!

Giles drops his stack of books in surprise and comes staggering out of one of the storage rooms.

GILES: What.. what is it?

XANDER: Guess who’s sending Willow E-mail.

Giles walks over to the screen and reads it.

GILES: Celest.666.. My word, Angel. (reading the message) How’s it hanging Willow. If you’re reading this it probably means I was unable to suck the world into hell and Buffy probably killed me. Oh well, if you gotta go it might as well be trying to start Armageddon. Anyhow, to show you guys I’m not a sore loser, I thought I’d play one last game from the grave.

WILLOW: See I told you it would be bad and not in the good bad way.

Giles: (continues to read the message) This is the second part of two time delayed messages that were sent out online two days after my death and a week after my death. I gotta tell you Will this Internet thing is a total blast. I can access info and get in touch with people all over the world, all from the comfort of home. I’ve made some new friends online and even have my own web page. I wanna know what the whole Scooby Gang thinks, so check it out..

XANDER: You know that sounds even more threatening in a British accent.

WILLOW: There’s a connection to his web page Buffy4ever.com. Please don’t say we have to look, you know it’ll be bad..

GILES: I don’t think we can afford not to.

WILLOW: (typing) I knew you’d say that..

The computer connects to the site. The Buffy4ever homepage scrolls on to the screen. It consists of a large picture of a smiling and innocent looking Buffy. Unfortunately all the instructions appear to be in some form of Japanese.

XANDER: Why is it all in Japanese?

GILES: It’s not Japanese, the characters and grammar structure are completely off. It’s almost as if they were randomly thrown together.

WILLOW: There’s an English text option. You want me to press it. (noticing Giles and Xander’s stern glares) Alright, I’m clicking already..

The site converts into an English format.

XANDER: I liked it better when I couldn’t read it.

The screen is filled with the message, ”Meet Buffy Summers, the chosen one and the Newest Slayer!” Willow quickly scrolls through the page.

GILES: My God. He’s put a biography of Buffy on the web. Everything about her is on here.. Where she lives, where she goes to school, her favorite foods, her favorite music, her hang outs, her mother’s statistics..

XANDER: There’s stuff on Buffy here that we don’t even know about. I didn’t know she had a mole there..

WILLOW: It gets worse. Look.

Pictures of Giles, Xander, Willow, Cordelia, and Oz along with stats also appear on the screen.

XANDER:Just when I was starting to feel jealously over being excluded from dead boy’s wrath.

WILLOW: Why, why is he doing this?

GILES: He’s created the perfect guide for anyone to carry on his work and kill Buffy and everyone she holds dear. Who has access to this site?

WILLOW: (typing):Almost anyone, although judging by the links to the site Angel’s aiming for a primarily Asian audience.

XANDER: Asian Vampires? I don’t think we’ve seen any of those before, but I guess even vampires have to have diversity.

GILES: (horrified) It all makes sense, the strange writing! Angel’s calling in the Tao Li.

XANDER: That better be a fast-food service.

GILES: The Tao Lai, are an ancient order of Asian vampires. Primarily thieves, killers, assassins, commandos, ah what’s the word for it.. Ninjas.

XANDER: Are they as dangerous as they sound?

GILES: Worse. Buffy’s in great danger. We must warn her.

WILLOW: (happily) But she’s not in Sunnydale. Nobody knows where she is, so she’s protected.

Suddenly with a loud crash a figure in black shatters through one of the library windows. The figure in black stands up and appears to be a vampire in full ninja garb. All through his face is covered we can still see the distorted vampire features beneath and hear the its low vampire growl. The NINJA draws his extremely large and lethal looking sword.

XANDER: Yeah, but who’s gonna protect us?


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