I Deserve?: I Deserve?
by Willow Mallory
I don't own Angel; Joss, Fox and Mutant Enemy does. I stole him for my own puposes. (Evil laugh)

"I Deserve?" is not my song. It's Third Day's song. On their album Conspiracy No. 5. I'm not in any way affiliated with Third Day, I just like their song.

Note: This is in my own made-up timeframe in which Angel had his soul returned and wasn't killed (or cast into hell or whatever). Also, this song is really Christian, and talking about a sinner to God. So I kinda took it out of context. But it just SO applies to Angel to Buffy. I had to do it. Forgive me.



***

*I tasted the fruit that was forbidden*

The music played, and Angel listened. He couldn't believe how much the song applied to him. And to Buffy.

*I murdered the trust that you had given*

The song was written about a person repenting to God; But it seemed to be written with him in mind.

*And now I'm living in a place that's not my home*

Ever since he had regained his soul, and remembered what he had done to Ms. Calendar, Xander Buffy, and all the rest, he was practically suicidal.

*The pain in your heart made you regret*

He felt that he deserved to be punished, desreved to die; but Buffy was quick to forgive.

*The moment we spoke did you forget?*

The others wouldn't forgive so quickly, though. And he never expected forgiveness from neither Giles nor Xander.

*Will my trangressions bring us all to our sweet end?*

He had thought many a time to just walk outside at noon, or plunge a stake through his own still heart. But he couldn't bring himself to abandon Buffy. And suicide was the ultimate act of selfishness.

*Maybe I'm just being to hard on myself, I don't know*

He felt that if Buffy wasn't going to punish him, he would make himself suffer. He kept reminding himself, through all sort of things, and through listening to this song as much as possible.

*Or is it that your mercy is much more than I deserve?*

For the hundreth time that day, he replayed the night he killed Jenny Calendar. He couldn't stop thinking about it.

*I deserve?*

He thought of the night he had come to Buffy's mother, and had told her about THAT night. He had caused her so much grief.

*More than I deserve?*

He snapped out of his all-consuming thoughts when the music became louder. He silently listened as it repeated the line before returning to it's usual quiet.

*Betrayed by more than just a kiss*

The night he lost his soul came to mind, just as it did every time he heard this verse. He didn't blame Buffy. She never could have known.

*I did much more, I must admit*

He thought of Valentine's night, when he had come so close to killing Xander. Xander would never forgive or forget that night, Angel knew.

*Instead of letting it all end*

The music softened even more, as if to emphasize the next words.

*You bring new hope*

It immediately became louder again, repeating the title line.

*More than I deserve?*

Over and over again. Angel buried his face in his hands. Not crying, for he was out of tears. He ran his hands over his hair. The song started to soften again, as it wound to an end. Angel put his hands over his nose in a praying position before standing to put the song on repeat.

*More than I deserve?*


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