The Watcher: Season 2: 2.1 Life as a David Bowie Song: Act I
by gumboy

TEASER

INT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - GRAVE SITE
A newly "born" vampire bursts through the ground and crawls up
through the dirt. He looks up and sees a catholic school girl
outfit.

VAMPIRE
Slayer.

The vampire is blasted with a stream of holy water. He screams
as his skins sizzles.

ANGLE ON:

MAYA. She's holding her Super Soaker gun.

MAYA
No. But I suggest you just let me stake you
now and get it over with.

VOICE(OS)
Or what?

Maya looks around and sees that three more vampires have
appeared around her.

MAYA
Okay... now if you guys are smart, you
either run off or let me stake you before my
boyfriend shows up.

VAMPIRE #2
Why? He the jealous type?

JORDY(OS)
No.

Vampire #2 explodes into dust. Jordy appears behind him, stake
in hand.

JORDY
Just a werewolf.

Jordy partially transforms. The two vampires look at each other
and run off in opposite directions. Jordy snarls and is about
to run after but...

MAYA(OS)
Jordy!

Jordy turns and sees that the remaining vampire has immobilized
her and is about to snack. Jordy attacks and stabs the vampire
from behind. He explodes into dust. Maya unfortunately gets a
lung full and has a coughing attack.

XANDER(OS)
(filtered)
Moose to Boris and Natasha. Come in.

Maya pulls out her pda/cell and speaks into it.

MAYA
Hey Moose. Got surrounded. Two got loose.
One is heading your way, another toward
Squirrel.

XANDER(OS)
(filtered)
Roger.

Maya coughs again and Jordy helps her up.

MAYA
Vampire dust doesn't cause cancer does it?

JORDY
Yeah, but the Surgeon General is having a
hell of a time trying to get them to wear
labels.

MAYA
Smart ass.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - ELSEWHERE

Vampire #3 is running away from Maya and Jordy. He turns his
head to see if they are following and slows down when he sees
they aren't.

XANDER(OS)
Just where do you think you're going?

The vampire turns to see Xander. He is now wearing sunglasses
to cover his damaged eyes. The vampire stops and laughs.

VAMPIRE
Who do you think you are? Corey Hart?

Xander smirks.

XANDER
Oh! 'Cuz I wear my sunglasses at night. I
get that.

The vampire laughs some more. Xander laughs with him. That is
until Xander whips out a handheld crossbow and sends a quarrel
into the vamp's chest. The vampire looks down at the quarrel
just as he turns into dust.

XANDER
Smart ass.

Xander pulls out his cell/pda out his coat pocket.

XANDER
(grumbling)
All summer long, that's all I hear. Think
these guys would come up with something
better...
(on cell)
Moose to Squirrel. One is heading your way.
Do you read me Squirrel?

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - YET ANOTHER ELSEWHERE

The fourth vampire is running full bore. He turns his head to
see if anyone is following him and gets a punch in the head for
not looking. He falls to the ground.

VAMPIRE #4
Oh my god it's...
(suddenly confused)
Who the hell are you?

Out of the shadows steps... An Asian woman holding a stake??

CHAO-AHN
Wo shi Chao-Ahn! Xi xue gui zai zhe!

VAMPIRE #4
What?

CHAO-AHN
(points to herself)
Chao-Ahn!
(makes stabbing motion with stake)
Slayer!

VAMPIRE #4
Slayer? You? but...

Chao-Ahn sighs in frustration, yanks the vampire up and throws
him against a grave stone

CHAO-AHN
Slayer! Slayer!

ANGLE ON:
Xander, Jordy and Maya sit on a couple of grave stones and
watch Chao-Ahn go to town on the vampire.

MAYA
Don't get me wrong. I love Liv, but I'm
going to miss her.

JORDY
Language barrier withstanding.

MAYA
Of course.

JORDY
I'm getting really tired of being called
"hairy dog boy".

MAYA
Who wouldn't?

JORDY
When does Liv get back?

XANDER
Tomorrow night.

MAYA
She won't have enough time to get over the
jet lag before school starts.

JORDY
What's the time difference between here and
London?

MAYA
Too late to call each other at a decent
hour. I've been living off e-mail. Why?

JORDY
I was just hoping that it was one of those
time zone things where she left tomorrow but
arrived home yesterday.

MAYA
Freak.
(regarding Chao-Ahn)
She's really letting him have it tonight
isn't she?

XANDER
Yeah, she needs to wrap this up.
(butchering the Chinese language)
Chao-Ahn! Wan cheng nin de tang!

Chao-Ahn gives Xander a confused look.

CHAO-AHN
What?

The vampire takes advantage of the break in action and sucker
punches Chao-Ahn.

JORDY
I think you just told her to finish her
soup.

XANDER
Oops.

MAYA
Well... there's one way to end this quickly.

XANDER
Maya, don't do...

MAYA
Chao-Ahn! Hurry up! Xander promised us ice
cream!

XANDER
Oh, for crying out loud.

CHAO-AHN
(cursing)
Gai si!

Chou-an quickly pummels the Vampire into submission.

XANDER
Here we go...

Chou-An stakes the vampire and dusts him. She turns to the Odd
squad with a venomous look.

CHAO-AHN
Lactose intolerant! Lactose intolerant! What
wrong with you people?! Why won't listen?!

Chou-An walks off in a huff. Xander and the odd squad follows.

MAYA
Don't get me wrong. I love Liv, but I'm
really going to miss her.

CHAO-AHN
(muttering)
Yu ben de ren min! Wo duo shao ci bi xu gao
su zhau xie Scooby shi bai zhe Wo shi ru
tang bu kuan rong!

MAYA
(correcting)
Odd squad.

CHAO-AHN
Whatever!

Maya and Jordy smile at each other. Xander shakes his head.

INT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT

Xander and Lucy Fontaine walk down the terminal. Xander is
carrying a white cane with a red tip and is being guided by
Lucy. They are followed by Chao-Ahn, Jordy and Maya.

LUCY
We're going to take a left up here.

XANDER
(gently)
I know Luce. I'm not really blind, remember?
This part is just an act.

LUCY
Sorry. Working in a hospital with real blind
people, you tend to forget.

MAYA
You should get a seeing eye dog.

XANDER
Why would I do that when I have Jordy?

JORDY
You know what? Joke was only funny the first
hundred times.

MAYA
Down boy.

JORDY
Woof.

LUCY
I can't believe I haven't seen my daughter
in three months. We've never been apart that
long.

MAYA
Same here.

XANDER
Oh it wasn't that long.

LUCY
It just feels long. I know this slayer
exchange program was a good idea at the
time, but I don't like being away from my
baby girl for so long.

Xander smiles. He cocks his head to the side as though hearing
something.

XANDER
Don't worry. Your baby girl is now walking
down the terminal and hasn't changed a ...

Xander's face grows troubled.

XANDER
Uh-oh.

The group exchange worried glances.

LUCY
Are you having a vision? Are we in danger?

XANDER
Uh... no.

LUCY
What is it?

XANDER
Um...

Chao-Ahn cocks her head and points down the terminal.

CHAO-AHN
What happen to Liv?

Everyone except Xander looks around then gives Chao-Ahn a
confused look.

MAYA
Where is she?

LIV(OS)
Hey guys.

ANGLE ON:

Liv. But not the one we remember. Gone are the thick framed
glasses, geeky outfit and mousy hair.

In its place are tight leather pants, a midriff baring t-shirt
advertising a punk rock band, no glasses and a stylish hairdo
with funky highlights.

If there were a guitar riff playing right now it would probably
be from George Thurgood's Bad to the Bone.

Liv gives a flashy smile to her friends and family.

LIV
Miss me?

Everyone is pretty much gobsmacked...

XANDER
Hol-

LUCY
-lee

MAYA
Crap.

Maya looks over at Jordy whose mouth is hanging open. She rolls
her eyes and closes his jaw.

Lucy gives Xander a stony glare.

LUCY
Somehow. Someway. This is all your fault.

GO TO BLACK

XANDER(VO)
Aw, Crap.

END TEASER

ACT I

INT. CAPE KENNETH AIRPORT - MOMENTS LATER

Maya and Chao-Ahn run and hug Liv. Jordy is still gobsmacked.

MAYA
Oh my god! You look so badass!

Liv giggles.

LIV
I know!

Chao-Ahn and Liv start speaking in a flurry of Chinese to fast
to follow. Lucy is trying to get a grip on the situation.

LUCY
Who...? What...? How...?

JORDY
All valid questions.

Xander tilts his head to the side again and then shakes it.

XANDER
(sighs)
Dawn.

JORDY
That a valid answer?

XANDER
Yes.

LUCY
I'm so going to kick her ass.

LIV
Guys!

Jordy, Xander and Lucy turn to Liv.

LIV
(referring to Chao-Ahn)
She's lactose intolerant! It's not funny!

CHAO-AHN
Told you!

MAYA
So stopping at 31 flavors before we came
here was kind of twisting the knife, huh?

Liv grins and practically tackles Maya in a huge hug.

LIV
I've missed you so much!

MAYA
Me too!

LUCY
My daughter... is wearing leather pants.

Liv smiles and gives her Mom a hug.

LIV
Hi Mom.

LUCY
You're wearing leather pants.

LIV
I know. Aren't they great?

LUCY
No!

LIV
Mom!

LUCY
You're fifteen!

LIV
Almost sixteen!

LUCY
You're wearing leather pants.

LIV
You're channeling grandmother.

LUCY
You... are... wearing... leather... pants.

LIV
I'm wearing leather pants. Try another
track.

Lucy shakes her head, looks down and sighs.

LUCY
Why are you showing off your navel?

LIV
Because it's better than showing off my
tattoo.

Xander and Lucy react in horror.

LUCY
Tattoo!

LIV
Kidding!

XANDER
Oh thank God.

Liv looks at Xander and smiles.

LIV
Hey X-man!

XANDER
X-man?

Liv awkwardly approaches Xander and gives him a hug.

LIV
Like my new look?

Xander gives her a big grin.

XANDER
Actually... kind of glad I'm blind at the
moment.

Liv gives a half smile.

LIV
Right. um...

XANDER
Shall we see how much of your luggage was
lost?

LIV
Okay! Ooo! Prizes for everyone!

Everyone except Xander, Lucy and Jordy run to the baggage
terminal.

LUCY
Oh my God. My daughter's officially a
teenager.

XANDER
Could be worse. She could've been hanging
out with Faith.

Lucy gives Xander an amused glare and walks off

LUCY
Still your fault.

Xander follows her.

XANDER
How is this my fault?

Jordy stands, still lost in space.

JORDY
Whoa.
(realizes that he is by himself)
Where'd everyone go?

Jordy turns and runs to catch up.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Lucy and Liv come in and dumps luggage on the floor.

LIV
(ala Ricky Ricardo)
Lucy! I'm home!

LUCY
You know I hate it when you say that.

Liv gives Lucy a bear hug.

LIV
Miss me?

LUCY
Horribly.

LIV
Me too.

Lucy kisses her forehead.

LUCY
Tired?

Jordy and Xander come in with a ton of luggage and drop in on
the floor. Maya and Chao-Ahn follow.

JORDY
I know I am. What have you got in these
things? Ingots?

LIV
I caught some sleep on the plane. I don't
really need a lot of sleep anymore. I used
the time to go over the curriculum for all
our classes and developed a study plan, a
calendar and a study group schedule for the
next quarter.

Jordy and Maya roll their eyes. Lucy gives a sigh of relief.

LUCY
Oh thank God, my little girl is still in
there...

Lucy looks at the leather pants again.

LUCY
Someplace.

LIV
Let it go, Mom.

MAYA
You spent a twelve hour flight getting ready
for school?

LIV
Yes.

MAYA
Your badass status has been officially revoked.

CHAO-AHN
What is this "badass"?

MAYA
Me.

CHAO-AHN
Oh. You don't want to be her.

LUCY
Are you tired honey?

LIV
Actually, I'm kind of itching to get out on
patrol.

CHAO-AHN
I come with.

LIV
All right. Let's go.

LUCY
But you haven't had anything to eat.

LIV
I ate 20 bags of honey roasted peanuts on
the plane. I'm good to go. Let's go Chao-
Ahn.

XANDER
Uh-uh. I don't think so Missy. You aren't
going out on patrol like that. Fatigues and
Kevlar are still required young lady.

LIV
Come on Xandie. I haven't worn those all
summer.

XANDER
No buts or come-on's. Kevlar and fatigues.
You're dealing with American demons now.
Those British demons are nothing but nancy
boys and ponces.

Liv rolls her eyes.

LIV
Fine. Whatever.

Liv stomps upstairs.

XANDER
And you'll eat dinner before you go out
young lady!

MAYA
Whoa... Look at mister put my foot down.

XANDER
Nobody calls me Xandie and gets away with
it.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liv and Chao are in the middle of a battle between three
vampires. Liv jumps in punches one and side kicks another.
Chao-Ahn is facing the other vampire and throws two punches,
drops and sweeps the leg knocking the vampire over.

The two vampires recover and charge at Liv at the same time.
Liv performs a 360 degree spinning kick, knocking one vampire
to the ground; then ducks under the one vampire's attacks and
stakes him in the chest.

Chao's vampire recovers and starts with a series of punches
that she blocks. As Liv throws a few more punches on her
remaining vampire, she sees that Chao is getting into trouble.
Liv blocks a punch, stakes the vampire and throws the stake at
Chao-Ahn's back while yelling...

LIV
Duck!

Chao-Ahn ducks and falls to the ground. The stake hits the
vampire square in the chest and he explodes into dust. Chao
sighs in relief as she dusts herself off.

NOTE: The following conversation is in Chinese with a Cantonese
dialect. Everything is subtitled.

CHAO-AHN
Thanks. Nice moves.

Liv helps Chao-Ahn up and the begin to walk through the grave
yard.

LIV
Thanks. That summer training program really
put me through the paces.

CHAO-AHN
Wish I could say the same.

LIV
Sounds like you were pretty bored. Nothing
apocalypsey happened this summer?

CHAO-AHN
Not really. There was this supposed vampire
cult trying to kill a lot of cheerleaders,
but it just turned out to be one vampire
with an ego complex. Hairy-Dog-Boy and I
were able to take care of him.

LIV
(laughs)
Hairy-Dog-Boy? He's a werewolf Chao.

CHAO-AHN
I know. I just call him Hairy Dog Boy to
tease him. He's nice a guy. Laconic but
nice. Not like the other one.

LIV
Maya? Oh, she wouldn't be torturing you if
you she didn't like you. She's just trying
to get your goat.

CHAO-AHN
I don't have a goat. Why would she think I
have a goat? And why does she want one?

LIV
It's an expression. Maya torturing you is
just her way of showing you her affection.

CHAO-AHN
You Americans have a strange way of showing
affection.

LIV
Not all. Just Maya.

CHAO-AHN
And what's with Xander and his cartoons?
After showing me how the cell phone works,
he made me watch a cartoon featuring a
talking rodent and moose.

LIV
Yeah, I'll amend the strange affection list
to add Mr. Harris.
(beat)
How... How's he doing these days?

CHAO-AHN
Pretty good. He was kind of sad when he had
to sell his... what do you call it?
"Beemer?"

LIV
He had to sell his car?

CHAO-AHN
Something about being legally blond and
driving lice ends.

LIV
What?

CHAO-AHN
I'm not sure. His Chinese phrase book
stinks.

LIV
Oh...

CHAO-AHN
And then when he resigned...

LIV
He quit his job?

CHAO-AHN
He said something about not being able to
read blue paints if he was supposed to be
blond. He also didn't feel right because he
killed his demon bass. Is that also an
expression?

LIV
No it's...

A Vampire bursts through the ground.

CHAO-AHN
Bloodsucker.

LIV
I got it.

Liv expertly spins a stake out and throws it into the Vampire's
chest, dusting him. They continue to talk without missing a
beat.

LIV
So he's unemployed?

CHAO-AHN
Well he is getting something called
disability chips which is supplanted by his
watcher celery.

LIV
Salary.

CHAO-AHN
Oh. That makes more sense.

LIV
Sounds like he had a tough summer.

CHAO-AHN
He seems okay to me. Then again... I don't
really know him that well.

Liv frowns at the news as we

CUT TO:

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Liv walks into the living room to see Lucy asleep in front of
the TV. Liv gently shakes her awake.

LIV
Hey. You didn't have to wait up for me.

Lucy drowsily smiles at her daughter and pulls her onto the
couch.

LUCY
Huh? Oh. I know. Just wanted to see just a
bit more of my girl. Not as much as I see in
your leather pants of course.

LIV
Let it go Mom.

Lucy yawns.

LUCY
Mother's prerogative. I let go what I want
to let go.

LIV
You didn't tell me about what happened to
Mr. Harris this summer.

Lucy groans and rolls her eyes.

LUCY
Oh god. Who told you?

LIV
Well...

LUCY
Honey, when his Uncle Roary showed up...

LIV
Uncle Roary?

LUCY
He supposedly showed up to help Xander
because of him being blind. Of course Xander
didn't need help which for some reason
pissed off Uncle Roary. So, Uncle Roary then
started moving the furniture to show Xander
he needed him around. Then Xander had to
pretend he didn't know the furniture wasn't
moved around and had to trip over
everything. It was like watching Dick Van
Dyke trip over that ottoman over and over
again.

LIV
I was actually talking about Mr. Harris
selling his car and losing his job.

LUCY
Oh. Oh! Oh sweetie, he just didn't want you
to worry.

Liv sits down on the sofa and lays her head on her mother's
shoulder.

LIV
I mean this had to be a huge adjustment for
him.

LUCY
Well, I won't lie to you. He's had a tough
time of it. He puts on his brave face and
perseveres, but some times the little things
send him over the edge.

LIV
Little things?

LUCY
Like trying to get his socks to match or
getting the hang of braille.

LIV
Braille? But I thought he could...

LUCY
He sees auras, sweetie. He can't see
anything else. I thought you knew that.

LIV
Oh. I just thought when he saw me at the
airport... you know.

LUCY
He saw the change in you.

LIV
Change in me? I haven't changed.

Lucy cocks an eyebrow and plays with some of Liv's crazy
highlights.

LUCY
Oh really?

LIV
That's external not internal.

Lucy yawns and closes her eyes. She leans back on the couch.

LUCY
You'd be surprised how one affects the
other.

LIV
I feel so bad for Mr. Harris.

LUCY
Buck up little camper. He's doing great for
someone in his condition.

Liv says nothing but stews as her mother goes back to sleep.

END ACT I

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