Cleveland's First Annual Beauty Contest: One Thing
by Monkey Pants
One Thing
Backstage, the five heroes stood in stony silence, as Willow returned to the folds.
‘Okay, ‘fess up guys. What’s wrong?’ said Willow bravely, almost afraid to hear the answer. Illyria raised her cool blue eyes, but said nothing. Faith sighed, then started to change her shoes.
‘She’s pissed about my contrib. To her act’, she announced loudly ‘as if she was robbed, or something’.
Illyria shifted slightly, but didn’t make a move to defend herself.
‘Well, you were kind of stealing her spotlight’, offered dawn. ‘That dance was pretty wild’.
Faith raised an eyebrow. ‘Hey, it’s my style, alright? It was an equal thing. She played, I moved’.
‘My accomplishments are greater than yours’ said Illyria suddenly, ‘rhythmatic gyration will not suffice. And yet humanity appreciates and applauds this barbaric custom. It is what I have come to expect’.
‘Hey, get off your out-dated pedestal, smurfette. You joined this contest of your own free will’ snapped Kennedy.
‘It is a mission, of which I intend success. I reviewed the instructions carefully, prep-’
‘So did we all’, cut Buffy, exasperated. ‘Illyria, the main thing is-’
‘You are no better’, she scorned. ‘Your talents were hollow and ill-received’
Buffy was dumbfounded. ‘I was distracted’ she said carefully.
‘By what, your pretty little outfit?’ mocked Kennedy. ‘Geez, get over yourself for one minute-’
‘KENNEDY, SHUT UP!’ shouted Willow.
‘Fine!’ yelled Kennedy. ‘I’m only doing this for you though, you know that? And did you ONCE congratulate me on my act? No! You yell at me-’
‘I’m not yelling!’ Willow insisted. Dawn laughed, then clapped her hand over her mouth in horror.
‘Dawnie, care to share with the girls?’ Buffy asked shortly. Everyone turned their attention to her.
‘Well,’ smiled her sister unsurely, ‘it’s just, I think Kennedy’s experiencing a jealous lover thing’.
‘Jealous?’ asked Kennedy, now puzzled. ‘What would I be jealous about, Will?’
‘C’mon, calling your ex onstage and reading his mind is pretty intimate stuff’, shrugged Dawn. ‘I’d be totally livid if my girl tried that with me’.
Buffy widened her eyes at her sister in surprise.
‘That was Oz?’ whispered Kennedy. ‘Willow, why did you call Oz to the stage? Why?’
‘I-’, mumbled Willow, looking terrified.
‘Yeah Will,’ Buffy stepped forward, ‘talk about surprised. What’s he doing here?’
‘Um, I think I’ll shut up now’, said Dawn quietly.
‘Good’ said Kennedy coldly. Dawn stared at her, hurt and upset.
‘Oz warned me about the competition’, Willow explained slowly. ‘It’s not about the winner. I mean, it is, but they really want the losers-
‘Oh, isn’t he the dashing hero’, Kennedy interrupted dryly. ‘Elope with him and do us all a favour, will you?’
‘Ken-’ breathed Willow.
Illyria, bored with the unfolding soap opera, left the room, leaving everyone to stare after her.
‘What is that chick’s deal?’ Faith wondered aloud.
‘I’ll guess I’ll go follow’, said Buffy, leaping to her feet, trying to escape the icy atmosphere.
‘I’ll come along’, offered Faith quickly. ‘Maybe a humble apology is needed’
‘Fine’ answered Buffy. ‘Oh, and guys-try not to pulverise each other before the final round.’
The two Slayers departed before Buffy could receive an answer. They walked swiftly up to Illyria, who halted them when she heard them approach.
‘Illyria, what’s up?’ Faith asked. ‘Was it my dancing? ‘Cos it wasn’t that big a deal y’know. It’s a little harmless fun’.
‘This event is laden with treachery and danger’ Illyria answered. ‘It is not what it appears. The witch disclosed information. There will be unprecedented suffering. There will be no victor’.
‘Huh?’ said Buffy. ‘Sorry, but-’
‘There’s gonna be a ritual to open the Hellmouth, isn’t there?’ Faith asked suddenly. ‘And it’s not Miss Cleveland that’s getting the chop.’
‘A red herring’, Buffy realized. ‘No one would suspect they’d want the runners up’
‘I plan to converse with Angel and Spike about the matter’, explained Illyria. ‘They will offer meditations on the nature of the conclusion, and what my subsequent move shall be’.
‘What?’ gasped Faith. ‘They’re here?’
‘Yup’, affirmed Buffy bitterly. ‘Alive and kicking’.
‘I….Fred aided Spike in his quest to become corporeal’ offered Illyria.
‘Spare me the details’, muttered Buffy, feeling her chest tighten.
‘Okay, let’s go meet’, pushed Faith, intent on brushing aside a potentially explosive scenario. Illyria led them to the hall, and then disappeared to retrieve the two vampires. They waited awkwardly, until Angel’s Avengers emerged.
‘Hello, lover’, Buffy greeted bitterly. Angel looked at Spike, who raised an eyebrow.
‘Buffy, hi’, they replied in unison. Buffy and Faith looked at each other in disgust.
‘Uh…Illyria told me there was a change in story’, Spike mumbled.
‘Actually, she told me!’ Angel snapped.
Illyria pursed her lips and stalked back to the changing rooms.
‘She’s probably going to calm down the others’, trailed Faith. ‘I’m just gonna follow-’
‘No Faith, I want you to stay here’, said Buffy through gritted teeth. Faith held up her hands in defeat.
‘Fine…’
The four stood silently, the Slayers and the vampires.
‘We didn’t know you’d be here’, Angel said at last.
‘Oh?’ said buffy coldly.
They fell silent again.
‘You look nice tonight’, grumbled Angel.
Buffy raised her eyebrows.
‘Well, you were kind of hot’, Faith decided.
‘….thanks’
‘Is he here?’ Angel asked suddenly,
‘What? Who?’
‘Is HE here?’ Angel repeated louder. ‘The Immortal’.
Buffy was stunned into silence.
‘Another vampire?’ laughed Faith. ‘You sure know how to pick ‘em, B’
‘No’, she answered edgily. ‘How the hell did you hear about that?’
‘We went to -…OW-’, Spike started, until Angel elbowed him hard.
‘We hear things’, Angel finished, ‘that you were in Rome. Wolfram & Hart had some impressive connections.’
‘Oh my god’, Buffy laughed bitterly. ‘You’ve been spying on me, haven’t you?’
‘No’, said Spike defensively. ‘No, we’d never-’
‘And what the hell are you doing alive-undead-watching swimsuit competitions?’ she asked Spike shrilly. ‘I saw…I saw you burn…in Sunnydale…’
‘You did,’ he answered truthfully. ‘Buffy-’
‘No one thought to tell me?’ she cried. ‘All this time, mourning…how long were you gone?’
‘A…a few days’ Spike answered guiltily, not looking her in the eyes.
‘A few-’
‘I didn’t want to hurt you, alright?’ he said angrily.
‘Well, thanks for that’.
‘You didn’t need me’, he pleaded. ‘Buffy, you needed a new start, with out me mucking things up. I wanted so many times to tell you…’
‘So did Andrew’, she realized ‘was that his guilty little secret?’
‘Yes. You had to live, Buffy. I was pulling you down-’
‘You sound exactly like Angel,’ Buffy retorted.
This took a minute to sink in.
‘Hey!’ cried Angel.
‘We are nothing alike’, insisted Spike.
‘Nothing’, Angel repeated firmly. ‘Anyway, it’s not like you were Ms Share-a-lot. I seem to remember cookie dough when we last met.’
‘That was then’, she replied dismissively. ‘Cookie dough is not a commitment.’
‘You used cookie dough?’ Faith spluttered. ‘When did you become so kinky?’
Spike let out a low chortle. Angel cleared his throat.
‘We’re here to keep an eye out for Illyria’
‘She’s not cut out for the job’, argued Buffy.
‘Who said YOU were?’
‘This is SO childish. What’s wrong? Feeling the old 250?’ taunted Buffy.
‘He IS getting on’, mused Spike.
‘Spike, shut up’, said Faith. ‘That’s it. I’m going back to the girls, leave you three to work things out.’
‘Actually, Faith, I’m coming with you’. Buffy gave the vampires a cold stare before turning on her heel and walking away.
‘Fine, be that way”’, shouted Spike.
Angel sighed, leaving Spike to brood in the hall.
*************************************
The Chosen Two said nothing on the brisk return back to the others, but Faith knew that Buffy was hurting. She always liked to think she was in the know, and not knowing Spike was alive had dealt a blow to her confidence. Okay, maybe she deserved it, she pondered, watching her thoughtfully. The world did NOT revolve around Buffy Summers.
When they entered the changing rooms, Claire Cleaver waved her hands at then extravagantly.
‘Where have you been?’ she demanded angrily. ‘I have been worried sick, two of the candidates go missing right before the final round, the most important stage of our competition-’
‘Victory is the most important’, Illyria interrupted. ‘Victory is why we submit ourselves to such ridiculous, irrefutable torture.’
Claire stared dumbly for a moment, recovered her senses and wrung her hands nervously.
‘Ms Burkle, that is an extremely cynical way to look upon the world’ she chided. ‘may I ask you why you are in this competition at all?’
‘I think she just said, Ma’am’, Dawn said. ‘She wants to win’
Claire smiled widely at the youngest candidate. ‘Why, it’s nice to see someone paying attention, Ms Summers. I see potential in you. Yes, youth will go far…’
Dawn blushed. ‘Aww, why thanks Ms Cleaver…’
‘Teacher’s pet’, muttered Buffy.
‘Anyway, now I must take leave of you all to allow you to prepare for the next and final round. If you could do one thing in this world, what would you do?’
‘Oh!’ squealed Willow dramatically. ‘I LOVE that round!’
‘Yes, so do I young lady’, Claire beamed dreamily. ‘I used to think for months what my perfect reply would be…’
‘Golly, good thing we have a whole what, 50 minutes then, ain’t it?’ Faith muttered sarcastically.
‘You had time to practice before you even got to this contest’ Claire snapped.
‘I’ve been practicing all my life’, Dawn muttered. Of course, no-one heard her.
‘Expects choreography to start in five minutes!’ Claire exited the room all smiles and guiles, leaving the contestants to grimace uncomfortably.
‘Okay’, said Buffy. ‘Who’s for some uber-crammed plans?’.
************************
The audience waited in anticipation for the final round. Nobody knew why there were so little contestants. Nobody knew what went on between the red haired chick and Mr Joe No-one. No-one knew why the bleached blonde loser kept announcing loudly that he was leaving this bloody stupid contest, or why his bulky gelled companion stopped him from doing so. But why should they care?
This was all about the attractive women on the stage.
***********************
He watched. He waited. Yes, soon, if the judges kept their word. She would be perfect for his uses. But oh, the ritual. The losers were needed first, then the winner would be his. It would not be like the last time.
‘Showtime’.
************************
The audience applauded as the contestants whirled on stage awash in colourful gowns that swirled prettily around them. This was the ultimate round. There was no turning back.
Willow marched to the front of the stage confidentially.
‘If I could do one thing in the world, I would bring peace to everybody. There’s be no hatred, or wars. And no unnecessary deaths.’
Buffy stood alongside her.
‘Um…I would make sure there was no….uh…cruelty to ….hmmm…kittens?’
Dawn joined her.
‘If I could do one thing in this entire world, I would listen to what everyone has to say. ‘Cos everyone is worth listening to. Even if it doesn’t seem that way at first.’
The came Faith.
‘If I could do one thing, I would live my life again, and take back all my mistakes and bad….wait, no I wouldn’t. I’d stop beating myself up for being me.’
Illyria walked up to the line briskly.
‘One thing in this pathetic world could change. The disparaging frailty of the human condition. I have not existed here extensively, but can distinguish humanity as weak and ineffectual. This is not surprising. But still progress and advancements can be exacted to ensure this world is worth its orbit’.
The audience, to everyone’s surprise, cheered. Whether Illyria was pleased with this, no-one could say.
Lastly came Kennedy.
‘I’d help poor people’, she announced loudly. ‘poverty must really suck’.
Marching in a circle, they sand the national anthem, and then bowed gracefully. The audience clapped.
Spike frowned.
Angel brooded thoughtfully.
Oz bit his lip, feeling unnaturally anxious.
It was time. The women left the stage once more.
‘And now, there will be a short interval as the judges make their decision…’
As part of Selene’s challenge, YOU must vote for the winner. Please review and say whether you think DAWN, BUFFY, FAITH, KENNEDY, ILLYRIA or WILLOW should win the contest.
Thanks :)
***VOTING NOW FINISHED****But please feel free to review :)
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