Try and Try Again: Pondering
by tamzinrose
Waiting for something to happen. Anything. She was sick of waiting. It made her mad.

It was the waiting she couldn't stand. It'd always been the waiting that bothered her. That, and the potential bleeding-dying-dead thing. Pre-battle time is always spent getting the wiggins. Stressing out. Majorly.

She always got restless and bored by everything. She'd pace nervously, wanting a distraction, any stupid little distraction, but nothing could ever shift her mind from the weird mode she'd slipped into.

Like a trance. So completely engrossing. All she could do was picture all the ways things could go wrong. Filled with dread, fear and anticipation: her stomach tied in knots, rumbling; trembling and shaking; sitting staring at nothing; crossing her fingers; chewing her lip; shuddering.

Terrifying that waiting can be that crippling.

Then she got out on the battle field and it all melted away, leaving her heart pounding in her ears and her breathing quick, shallow and raspy.

And it felt...normal. Natural. She'd got used to fighting after a long time. She could understand it. She was still scared witless and she still wanted to hide in the corner and cry. But she understood.

Essentially, it was waiting to die. Or waiting to watch one of her beloved friends fall, never to rise again.

She could understand fighting. She hated it, but she understood.

Waiting? Waiting was hellish torture. It made no sense. The only point to it was that it was the same thing, basically. Waiting to find out if anyone was dead, because, this time, she hadn't got a clue if Buffy would rise again.

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