Rating - Like the show
Disclaimer - Buffy, Angel, Willow, Oz, Cordelia, Xander and Giles aren't mine. The beautiful song "Even When I Close My Eyes" belongs to Trademark.
Spoilers - Graduation Day 1&2.
Summary - An alternate ending to the end of BtVS season 3 (for some inexplicable reason, I hated Joss').
Distribution - You want? You have (as long as you tell me where it is).
Feedback - DUH!!!!!!!!! Do we really need to get into this?
Note - Words between ' * ' are someone's thoughts.

Buffy silently beheld Angel as he was slowly disappearing in the smoke, the same smoke that denied her from seeing the tears in his eyes. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. She wanted to scream, and she couldn't do that either. Both her body and her soul were too numb to do anything. Too numb to run after the one man she loved more than anything else in this world, and stop him from leaving.

Yesterday I held you
Miles away I miss you
And all the love that you gave to me
Time goes by without you
I still dream about you
I won't give up, we are meant to be

She promised herself she would be strong, she just didn't know it would be so hard and so painful. Something else disappeared that night besides Angel. With him, a part of her was gone. She felt this huge emptiness. Suddenly, everything around her was pointless. She was alone. For the first time in as long as she could remember herself, she was truly alone, and she would be alone forever. She knew that now for a fact, because there would be no strong arms to hold her as she cried anymore. There would be no cold body to lay beside her at night and warm her with his love, there would be no more sweet kisses to make her pain and worries go away…there would be no more Angel.

Eventually there was nothing left. No one was there anymore. The fog had evaporated, and she could see her future clearly now. No one was there anymore. No Angel, no one, and though she knew he was gone, she still couldn't really bring herself to grasp that. She was just standing there, alone, staring at nothing. Hundreds of students were running about her, they all were scared, thrown, but happy nonetheless. She was the only one there, who completely forgot about the fact that they had just stopped the Ascension and that from now on, everything was supposed to be okay. Nothing would ever be 'okay' for her anymore.

Abruptly, she stopped her wanderings and started walking away from that school, and these people. She didn't know where she was going so fast, she didn't know why, and she didn't even hear Giles calling after her.

I never thought you'd ever be the only one
But there's something telling me that I was wrong

"Buffy," she felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around.

Willow peered into her best friend's eyes. She had never seen anything as torn and broken as her gaze was. Buffy looked at her with the eyes that fitted a wounded animal, a being, with no more life, no more purpose, no more hope, and no more faith. "Buffy, I…" she swallowed, slowly removing her hand from Buffy's shoulder, but unable to tear her gaze from hers.

Buffy wiped her tears, but didn't say anything.

Willow sighed. She saw it wasn't time for any kind of talking. "Can I…can I do anything?"

Buffy bit her lower lip and more tears followed. Finally, she broke, right into Willow's arms, crying almost hysterically.

Willow held her, brushing her back soothingly, saying words the Slayer never bothered to listen to. There was never a time when Willow had caught the strong Slayer crying like that…except whenever it came to do with Angel. When there were tears like these, it was always about Angel.

"It hurts…" Buffy blubbered, "it hurts so much…"

"I know," Willow said softly. She pulled Buffy towards a bench near by, and the two girls sat down, Buffy still crying with her face in her hands and Willow just sitting, one arm around her best friend.

"He could have stayed." Buffy whispered abruptly, her voice sounding a little steadier, "If he really wanted to…he could have stayed. He…he didn't love me enough to even try. He just took off…he didn't love me enough to stay…" And the tears burst out again.

Willow gathered her in her arms. *"…I can't leave you. I was wrong. I need you…"* Angel's words echoed in her ears. She hugged her friend tighter. *Should I tell her?* She didn't know. "No…" she said ultimately, "no, Buffy, he loved you. If there is anyone in this world who had ever truly loved, it's the two of you. It's BECAUSE he loved you, that he…" she silenced. *And what was I going to say? 'It's because he loved you that he left you'? Yeah, that's some comfort. On the other hand…it is the truth…*

But Willow didn't have to say anything. The look she received from Buffy prompted her the Slayer had read her thoughts.

They sat in absolute silence for several minutes.

"Are you feeling better?" Willow inquired hesitantly after a spell.

"No," Buffy said simply, holding her head in her hands and looking away from Willow, "I'm actually feeling worse. Could you even believe it is POSSIBLE to feel worse? What am I gonna do now, Willow? I…I miss him so much…" she sobbed quietly, and all Willow could do was lay her hand on her shoulder and sit there, listening to those sobs. She almost felt her own heart breaking too. "I didn't…I didn't think I could ever miss a person like that. He's just left, and I…I miss him like he's been gone for ages. What am I gonna do when I will need him? Or when I'll come to the mansion, looking for him like he's still there, and I'll find nothing and no one? Or when I'll dream about his arms around me again, and again I'll wake up and he won't be there? What will I do then, Willow?" she just spoke, she didn't really questioned Willow. Buffy knew her best friend would have no answer to supply. And how could she have?

Willow hugged her and pulled her to her side. "It'll be okay…" was all she could say, "it'll be okay…"

But Buffy knew better. "It won't be okay," she cried, "It will never be okay again. Never…"

Willow couldn't hold it in anymore. "Buffy, I need to tell you something."

Buffy looked up at her expectantly.

"Angel…" she swallowed, "when I was watching over him, he woke up for a moment, and he…he said that…"

"What? Willow, what did he say?"

Willow looked flustered for some reason Buffy didn't comprehend, not really knowing whether she should or shouldn't go on. "Well, you see, he thought I was you. That…that he was talking to you…"

"What did he say?"

Willow took a deep breath. "He said he was sorry. He said he made a mistake, and that he couldn't leave you. That he needed you."

Buffy looked at her for a moment, and then bent forward, cradling her head in her hands, crying helplessly.

*Great.* Willow contemplated sadly, cradling Buffy in her arms again.

Even when I close my eyes
I can still see your face
Cause baby a love this strong
Time cannot erase
Even when I close my eyes

If you knew how much I care
That baby you'realways there
Even when I close my eyes

When Buffy pulled herself out of Willow's hug and looked up, she perceived the rest of the gang approaching them rapidly. She hastened to wipe the tears away and put on a smile. "Hey, guys," she tried her steadiest voice, "are you all okay?"

She was fortunate it was dark, because otherwise they would all descry the glassiness in her orbs.

"By luck only." Oz told her.

She frowned, "What do you mean?"

"What, you didn't see?" Cordelia asked.

"What?"

"When you blew up the school, the blast was so strong that there were parts of the building flying all over the place. Luckily, I smelled something coming and I ducked at the last second, but the guy that was standing behind me…" he trailed off.

"What?" Buffy asked nervously.

Oz grimaced, "Not a pretty sight. It was a pipe, and it…it just pierced him through."

Everyone shuddered at that.

"Oh, my God," both Buffy and Willow gasped.

"You don't know the half of it," Cordelia exclaimed, showing them the deep, still bleeding, slash on her upper arm, "If I were standing one step to the left, I would be coming in two parts from now on."

"I didn't see anything," Willow said.

Oz sat down next to her and put one arm around her shoulders, kissing her head. "It's good so. I don't like the feeling of thinking you could be hurt."

She smiled at him weakly and leaned into his embrace.

"I didn't see anything either," Buffy voiced, "but at least we're all okay, and it's over." She took a deep breath, suddenly realizing someone was missing, "Xander, where is Giles?" she asked her friend.

"Oh, don't worry about him," Xander waved his hand. "Taking into account he's the only grown up who survived and hasn't ran off, he's talking to the cops."

"Okay," Buffy nodded, "I guess I'll see him later then. Guys, do you…do you mind if I go?" she asked them softly, "I gotta…" she felt the tears threatening to come out again, and tried to fight them back, "I gotta…I wanna go. I wanna be alone." She stood up and turned to go, but was stopped with Cordelia's gentle hand on her arm. Buffy rotated.

"Are you alright?" the brunette asked her.

Buffy was stunned. The last thing she was expecting was Cordelia to ask that question. She shook her head silently, looking down as she felt the tears escaping her eyes again.

"If you ask me, I think you should be happy he's gone," Xander remarked, "Buffy, the guy almost killed you. I mean, Hell, I knew from the first moment I saw him he was no good, but to…Buffy, he drank from you! Was that his way of showing you his great love?!"

"Shut up!" Buffy yelled at him and slapped his face so hard his lip split and blood started trickling out of the open laceration, "You don't know anything, Xander! You don't know anything! You have no right to judge him!" she bellowed, but her voice was so cracked with tears that it came out sounding like a strange screech, "He didn't drink from me! I MADE him do that, he didn't want to! He tried not to! He was so weak, Xander, he was dying! It was the only way to save his life! I love him! How was I supposed to let him die?! I MADE him drink! Are you happy now? I FORCED him to drink from me! I hit him until he became too weak to keep his demon under control and then I pressed his fangs into my neck!" The second the last word left her lips, she turned around and stormed off.

Xander stood there, dumbfounded, staring after her with wide eyes.

"You have the perfect timing, Harris," Cordelia berated him, "You know, if I were Buffy, I'd hit you so much harder, cuz Hell, you deserve it!"

"Oh, yeah, and what do you know?!""Obviously better than opening my mouth when it so should remain shut!"

"You're a jerk, Xander. Just admit it," Willow told him.

"Yeah, like you don't hate him for biting her!"

"No, I don't! I always thought there was something we didn't know in that story! It's the second time you and your stupid jealousy make everything worse! The SECOND time, Xander! How much more do you think you can hurt these two?! When are you gonna finally stop being so selfish and childish?! Why do you hate him so much?!"

"He's no good for her! He's a vampire, Willow! He's been ruining her life since the moment he stepped foot in this town!"

Willow looked at him for a moment. "Just shut up, okay?!" she snapped, "and if I ever hear you saying anything like that, or ANYTHING bad about Angel in front of Buffy, I'll hit you myself!" she turned to Oz, "Could you walk me home?"

"Sure," he nodded, taking her hand into his.

"Wait, guys, I'm coming with you," Cordelia caught up with the couple.

Xander groaned in frustration and perched down on the empty bench.

On my lips I still taste
Our last kiss and I pray
There'll come a time to hold you once more
Smile for me and let the whole world see

That our love will never die
It's worth fighting for

The minute Buffy entered the mansion, her sixth sense kicked in. Something was wrong. She didn't find the fact she was feeling him all over the place even a little odd; she expected it to happen, she never thought her heart would let go so soon. But the feeling that not everything was right did bother her, a lot.

When Buffy reached the bedroom, her worst fears became factual. She stopped right outside the door into the room, in a place where she could see everything that was going on inside, but whoever was inside couldn't see her.

And she saw. She stood there, her eyes red with flowing tears and pain, and her hand on her mouth, as she beheld what was transpiring in there.

He was on the bed, half sitting, half lying down, propping himself up on one elbow, while attempting to pull something out of his body with his free hand. His face was a grimace of affliction, and his body was perspiring. The sign to that he had finally achieved his goal was an excruciating shriek that made Buffy's entire body quiver, as he tossed the bloody piece of metal to the floor and collapsed backwards onto the bed, panting, even though he didn't need the air. His eyes shut slowly and he pressed his hand against his bleeding side, as the blood started making its path through his fingers.

Buffy could smell the blood. She could see it, trickling out of his immense wound, soaking the covers and the sheets with its deep red…she closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, the same sight from before was revealed to her. On second thought, it might have been worse than before…

I never thought I'd ever have regrets
But there's something about you I just can't forget

"Angel…" she only realized she was saying his name aloud after it left her lips.

He instantly rose his head and looked her way, pulling the comforter to cover the wound from her eyes, although it was in vain.

Buffy sighed, still standing at the door.

"What…" his voice sounded weaker than usual to her, "what are you doing here?" he asked falteringly.

Buffy didn't answer, she just strode over to him, and before he was agile enough to protest, unveiled his wound for her to see. "Oh, my God!" she gasped once she took a close look at it, "But you…you looked alright…whydidn't you tell me?"

"I thought I could handle this myself," he said, laying his head back on the pillows.

"THIS? First you were shot and poisoned, and now you were run through by some piece of metal, and you thought you could handle THIS yourself? How many things can you handle yourself within only twenty-four hours?! You're not invincible!" Buffy was sobbing when she finished the sentence.

"I'm sorry," Angel whispered, looking away, "I just didn't want to scare you."

"Well, you failed miserably," she gestured towards his bleeding injury.

Angel sighed and closed his eyes. "Go away, Buffy," he whispered, "I'll be on my feet and out of here by next night."

Buffy wanted to cry, *Why is he always sending me away?* "You'll bleed to death before THIS night ends," she made one more step towards the bed, and he flinched, "Angel, why don't you let me help you?" she asked, pleadingly, "Why didn't you come to me when you were hurt?"

Angel still kept his eyes closed. "You've done more than enough for me for one day," he opened his eyes, catching Buffy off guard, "go away," he told her. His voice was weak, but even. "I left you, remember? We're exes. These are your own words," he prompted her painfully.

Buffy looked down, "It doesn't matter how many times you leave me, I'll never stop lo…" she saw a flash of agony in his eyes, and therefore rephrased, "caring for you. I thought I've done enough to prove that to you."

"My point exactly. You've done enough. Now, go."

She threw her hands up in defeat. "Why are you so stubborn?!" she cried, "Why is it so difficult for you to admit that MAYBE, NOW, I should stay?!" then she spoke more softly, "I won't beg you to change your mind, Angel. I'm over it. I know no matter what I say, you'll still believe what you're doing is right. All I want…all I want is to help you. I want to make you better, and then…" she swallowed the tears, "then you're as free as a bird. Angel, just let me help you. It hurts me seeing you like this. I know if it were I, you'd…" Buffy sighed, preferring not to say what she meant to. "Never mind. So, can I? Please, can I stay?"

He peered at her for a long moment, not saying anything, and then only sighed, closing his eyes again.

Buffy smiled to herself, having finally succeeded in convincing him.

Even when I close my eyes
I can still see your face
Cause baby a love this strong
Time can not erase
Even when I close my eyes

If you knew how much I care
That baby you're always there
Even when
I close my eyes

After several minutes, she had him in a clean bed, with a huge white bandage around his waist. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, gazing down at him, as he seemed to be in slumber.

"Are you still that miserable from me being here?"

Angel chose not to answer that.

"You feeling better?"

Still the same reticence.

"I know you're not sleeping, would you at least honor me with some sort of a reply to my clearly dull attempt to start a conversation?"

He still lay soundless.

Buffy sighed. Somehow, she had a feeling it was going to be a monologue. "Okay. Considering you're not about to answer me any time ever, I guess I will be talking to myself now. Well, myself, I just wanted to let you know you're an idiot. Yeah, that's about the it. And what's more, you know you are. You know, you'll leave me tomorrow. You'll get on with your life, I'll get on with mine, everybody's happy. But you know what? It might take years, it might take months, weeks, and it even might take days, until you'll wake up one day and find out just how alone you are. And it will all be your fault, which'll make it even worse. You know I'm right. In fact, you're feeling it already.

Wanna know how I know that? I know that because I'm feeling it too," she sniffled, brushing tears away again. "You know what I wanted so much and now can never have?" she emitted a short laugh, "I just wanted to dance at my prom with my boyfriend. Not my ex. My boyfriend. Was that so much to ask?"

She still received no reply from him.

"We really are playing the silence game now, aren't we?" Buffy observed sarcastically, "Fine. I'll just…I'll do what you want," she stood up, heading towards the exit, "goodbye, Angel. I just…" she stopped for a second, without turning around. "I just want you to know that…" she subdued a cry, "I just want you to know that I'll still be here…when you'll return."

His eyes fluttered open. "Stay," he whispered.

Buffy halted her pace and slowly rotated.

He could see in her eyes that she didn't believe he'd actually said this word.

"What did you say?"

Angel groaned, but managed to sit up. He looked directly into her eyes as he spoke. What he was going to say required eye contact. "I think your idiot boyfriend owes you a prom dance."

Buffy gulped.

Angel beamed, "Come here," he called for her mellowly, extending his hand.

She obeyed speechlessly, walking up to the bed, and taking his hand, "What are you doing?"

Angel pushed himself to his feet and stood before her.

Buffy immediately started to protest, "Angel, lie down, please. What are you doing?"

He smiled, shushing her with a gentle finger on her lips, which was followed by a sweet kiss.

When he pulled away, Buffy was still standing with her eyes closed, tears running from underneath her long lashes.

Angel waited until she opened them, to tenderly brush her tears away. "Dance with me?" he asked softly, cupping her face in his both hands.

Buffy couldn't believe this. "Now?" she inquired with a giggle.

He nodded. "Now. That's for that dance we should have had on your prom-night."

Buffy beamed, while Angel took her hand in his, winding their fingers together, and encircled his other arm around her waist. She sighed and put her free hand on his arm, leaning into his chest, burrowing her face in his embrace.

Angel kissed her hand he was holding, gently swaying her in his arms to a nonexistent music. He bent his head to kiss her hair and smiled.

"It's different," Buffy whispered suddenly.

"What is, love?"

"The dance. It's so different from the one we had at the prom. This one is…real. Then, I…I just wanted to cry throughout the entire dance, because I knew it was our final. I just wanted to make those moments last forever. And now…now I want them to last forever to, but this time it's because…I'm so happy, Angel," her lips brushed tenderly against his bare chest, "I love you so much."

"I love you too," he replied, rising her chin up and meeting her lips in a kiss.

I never knew with you I had it all
Guess I couldn't see the writing that was on the wall
Sometimes you have to go away just to find
That what
you're searching for is exactly what you left behind

(Unless you tell me otherwise....)

Go to the sequel, One Little Secret

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