Relief

Relief

RATING: pg-13
NOTES: It's been ages since i've posted a fic, and i'm new to a couple of groups too. Please let me know what you thought of this fic, it's kind of angsty, but it has a happy ending. I live for feedback! (that and chocolate)There are probably loads of mistakes in this, and my tenses got a mit mucked up, sorry! My email is really mucked up as well becsue i tried to send this earlier and it wouldn't send, so if you get this twice, i'm very sorry!

Death. Everything dies eventually. Hope, love, happiness. Nothing lasts. There are only two things in life that are with you throughout: bitterness and betrayal. I don't think I'm alive anymore. I breath, I eat, I walk, I exist, but that's all I can do now. Exist. Everything I believed in disappeared, before I even got a chance to work out what it was that was disappearing.

I patrol, I kill the bad guys, but I don't get that sense of satisfaction that I used to. It used to matter to me. I used to fool myself into believing if I won one fight, I could win the war. But this war, the one between good and evil, is eternal. It can't be ended, and it can't be won. I don't think I even know what's good and bad anymore. And I don't think I really care. If I win a fight, my only reaction is that I'll have another one to win tomorrow. Day after day, year and year. This is how I'm going to be living my whole life. All mapped out, all inevitable. And there's no one to be there for me. I wish people would just realise sometimes that I might be the slayer, but I'm still just a person. I'm not made of ice. People think that just because I'm strong on the outside, I have to be that way on the inside too, but why can't they understand that instead of being leaned upon all the time, maybe *I* need to be the one doing the leaning occasionally. I used to have someone to lean on. I used to have Angel, but thinking about him drags up so much hurt, pain, and regret. Anger. I sometimes wonder what I'd do if he turned up again. I pretend to everyone that I've forgotten him, and I'm trying to, I really am, but my heart wont let me. That's something else that won't die. My dam love for him. Sometimes I wish I'd never met him, and sometimes I just wish.

But it's all in the past, and that's the way it has to stay, even after everything that's happened. Why am I even allowing myself to think about this again? I wish. I wish that this past week had never happened and I wish. I guess I wish for a lot of things, but if I could only wish for one thing, it would be for my mother.

'Buffy.' My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of an unfamiliar voice calling to me. I look up to find a doctor stood in front of me, staring at me as if I'm about to break. But I'm the Slayer. I'm meant to be strong. Unbreakable. 'I'm afraid I have some bad news Miss Summers.'

My heart sinks faster then a crashing aeroplane. I know what he's going to say. Some things you just *know*, even before they're spoken. Some things you just *feel*.

'I'm afraid you mother's condition is rather more serious then we first believed. It has spread too far to operate, and I'm very sorry Miss Summers. She should be in peace in a few days.'

I shut my eyes and force myself to blank his voice out. I don't know what else he's about to say, and I don't care. If I can't hear him, then I don't have to face the fact that it's true. I sit there, not sure what to do, or say. I'm not sure how I'm *supposed* to respond. I'm not really in shock; I'm just. empty. Five minutes ago I was thinking about my life, my friends, Angel. about anything except what was happening *here* and *now*. I guess I'm getting pretty good at running away from things. But I can't run from this. I was up all last night, imaging all the possible outcomes, how I would react to them, but I never really believed this was all happening. I never really believed that my mother could be dying.

For the first time it really begins to sink in. Dying. no, that can't be happening to me. Anyone else but me. not me. And at that moment I do the only thing I know how to do. I look up; smile weakly, nod and I shut down. I become the Slayer.

The events that follow seem so hazy; like an old, forgotten memory or dream. Or Nightmare. My life is like one big nightmare. They tell me I can go in and see her. But I can't. How can I go in and see my mother like that? With drips in her arm, and death in her eyes. I'm not strong enough for that, but I'm certainly selfish enough to refuse.

And then Giles is arriving, and everyone else; all giving me sympathetic looks that I don't want. That I don't deserve. They don't understand, but how can I expect them to when I don't even understand it myself? I put on a brave face, I smile at them, and promptly dash out of the waiting room.

I run blindly towards my car, knowing only that I have to be alone, and away from the hospital. I switch to automatic pilot and before I know it I'm pulling up outside my house. A feeling of dread starts to build up inside me, and I feel sick. How can I go inside? Everything reminds me of her, but where else am I supposed to go? I can't very well sleep in the car, and collage is shut for the holidays. I take a deep breath and let myself into the house. Slowly the dread passes off, and I feel nothing. I feel numb. Dead. If only I could stay this way forever.

And when I enter my room my whole world turns upside-down for the second time tonight. He's there, sat on my bed, wrapped in shadows. He switches on the lamp beside my bed and my breath catches in my throat. He's looking at me so intensely, those chocolate eyes of his so full of concern. I feel dizzy, and so confused. Why is he here? I don't even think it's really registered that he's sat on my bed yet. For all I know it's just an illusion. And then all too soon that numbness is washing away, and suddenly I'm feeling so many things, like a damn of emotions that's finally broke free.

'Buffy.' That's the second time tonight someone's said my name like that. Searching, worried, careful, thinking I'm about to break. How many times do I have to tell them all? I'm the Slayer dam it! I can't break. But hearing his voice is such a surreal experience. Part of me wants nothing more then to curl up and listen to him speak all night. I don't care what he says; I just need to hear him. And the other part of me is still stunned. Dimly I recall the fact that I have Riley now, and that Angel should be in LA. And yet here he is, sat on my bed, watching me. Everything is so mixed up.

'Angel. What are you doing here?' I think that my response surprised me far more then it did him. I sounded so cold, so tired, but how else did he expect me to sound? Did he expect me to smile, kiss him goodnight and tell him I'm glad to see him? He's hurt me so much already, and I can't handle another round of it tonight. Not tonight.

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Relief

by Amanda Wallace

RATING: pg-13
NOTES: It's been ages since I've posted a fic, and I'm new to a couple of groups too. Please let me know what you thought of this fic, it's kind of angsty, but it has a happy ending. I live for feedback! (that and chocolate)There are probably loads of mistakes in this, and my tenses got a bit mucked up, sorry! My email is really mucked up as well because I tried to send this earlier and it wouldn't send, so if you get this twice, I'm very sorry!

I patrol, I kill the bad guys, but I don't get that sense of satisfaction that I used to. It used to matter to me. I used to fool myself into believing if I won one fight, I could win the war. But this war, the one between good and evil, is eternal. It can't be ended, and it can't be won. I don't think I even know what's good and bad anymore. And I don't think I really care. If I win a fight, my only reaction is that I'll have another one to win tomorrow. Day after day, year and year. This is how I'm going to be living my whole life. All mapped out, all inevitable. And there's no one to be there for me. I wish people would just realize sometimes that I might be the slayer, but I'm still just a person. I'm not made of ice. People think that just because I'm strong on the outside, I have to be that way on the inside too, but why can't they understand that instead of being leaned upon all the time, maybe I need to be the one doing the leaning occasionally. I used to have someone to lean on. I used to have Angel, but thinking about him drags up so much hurt, pain, and regret. Anger. I sometimes wonder what I'd do if he turned up again. I pretend to everyone that I've forgotten him, and I'm trying to, I really am, but my heart won't let me. That's something else that won't die. My damn love for him. Sometimes I wish I'd never met him, and sometimes I just wish.

My heart sinks faster then a crashing airplane. I know what he's going to say. Some things you just know, even before they're spoken. Some things you just feel.

'I'm afraid you mother's condition is rather more serious then we first believed. It has spread too far to operate, and I'm very sorry Miss Summers. She should be in peace in a few days.'

I shut my eyes and force myself to blank his voice out. I don't know what else he's about to say, and I don't care. If I can't hear him, then I don't have to face the fact that it's true. I sit there, not sure what to do, or say. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond. I'm not really in shock; I'm just. empty. Five minutes ago I was thinking about my life, my friends, Angel. About anything except what was happening here and now. I guess I'm getting pretty good at running away from things. But I can't run from this. I was up all last night, imaging all the possible outcomes, how I would react to them, but I never really believed this was all 'm sorry about your mother.' It was a lame thing to say, but what else was there to say? 'I wanted to see how you were.' He added quickly, as if needing to justify his actions.

I moved further into my room and away from the doorway, a sense of awkwardness sinking in. I was suddenly very aware of just how close he was. 'Well, I'm fine.'

He arched an eyebrow and shook his head. 'Right, I can really see that.'

I've never known Angel to use sarcasm before, and it took me by surprise. And it annoyed me. Fine, so he knew me too well. Fine, so he knew I wasn't okay, but what business was it of his?

'You walked away last year, and now you want to know how I am? I'm sorry, I think you lost that right a long time ago.' It hurt me so much to act like this in front of him. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted him to comfort me. I wanted to break down. But I can't. Not in front of him, anyway. My words hurt him; I can see it in his eyes. He flinched slightly, and I wanted to reach out to him. But I can't.

'Maybe I did lose that right, but you're hurting, and you're shutting down, and I'm not going to let that happen. You can't deal with this alone.' His tone was firm, unwavering, and I knew he wasn't about to back down. I'd forgotten how stubborn he could be. He's the only person I've ever met that I can't intimidate by playing 'slayer'. He's my equal. Anything I throw at him, he can take, and he can give just as good as he gets. But not tonight. Tonight he seemed prepared to take anything I threw at him, and I knew he wouldn't stop me.

'Well, thanks for the heart felt speech, but I'm just fine. I have Riley. I don't need you.' That was cruelest thing I could have said to him, and I hated myself for saying it. I knew it must have felt to him like I'd ripped his heart out, because that's how my own heart felt.

He looked away, and for a spilt second I thought he was crying. I've only ever seen him cry twice, and it scares me to see him like that. But then he was looking back at me, and although I saw no tears, I saw a pain and hurt so deep that at that moment I hated myself more then I've ever hated anyone or anything. I was only hurting him because he was letting me. I was only hurting him because I was hurting, and I wanted him to feel my pain. But he already did feel my pain. He already understood what I was going through. He's been through it himself, and somewhere in my subconscious I understood that. So why was I saying all these things to him?

'Should you need me. for anything. I'll be there. I'm sorry Buffy, you don't deserve all this pain.' He spoke quietly, and I was trying to look him in the eye but he wouldn't let me. And then he was making his way towards my window, and any pain I thought I'd experienced before was nothing compared to this. He was walking away from me again. Couldn't he see that I didn't mean to be so cruel? Didn't he understand that it was just my defense? My only defense.

'You're leaving me?' I spoke up finally. It came out as more of a sob then proper words, but he seemed to understand me. He turned back around, but I didn't give him a chance to respond. 'You're leaving me again?' I repeated. 'What, it's not enough that my mum's going to leave me, but now you're going to as well? You show up out of the blue, only to disappear just as quickly. Why do you keep doing this to me Angel?'

I was crying now. I was finally breaking down, and I was only aware of two things; my pain and Angel's arms wrapped tightly around me. The feeling of his arms around me was so comfortingly familiar, so safe, just the way I had remembered him to be. Everything about him: his smell, his clothes, the way he would offer me those rare half-smiles in an attempt to cheer me up every so often. it was all so wonderful, if not a little surreal. I was aware, somewhere in the back of my mind, of just how dangerous this all was. I was walking a tight rope, with every chance of falling off. And falling in love with him all over again. But I'd deal with that later. He didn't try to stop my tears, or my sobs, and he didn't try to stop me when I started ranting about fate what a bitch it is. He just held me.

When I awoke the next day, the first things I was aware of were the strong arms wrapped around my waist and the shoulder pillowing my head. Everything seemed so fuzzy, like a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. But all too soon those pieces were falling into place. My mother. the hospital. Angel. I jolted up at that thought and turned; partly scared that the Angel part had been my imagination, and partly scared that It hadn't been. But there he was; eyes shut, fast asleep. Had I not been so relieved and bewildered, I would have taken the time to consider just how funny it was to see him sleeping. If it hadn't been for the flickering movement of his eyes as he slept, I would have thought he looked almost. dead. Which technically he was.

My movements must have woken him, because seconds later he was stirring, and looking just as bewildered as I had done a few moments ago. After he got over his initial shock he smiled at me tentatively, almost nervously, as if he expected me to shout at him. But I didn't know how to react, and even if I re-lived that moment a thousand times, I don't think I'd ever really work out how to react to it, but luckily he spoke first.

I remember his exact words, and at the time they struck me as odd, but now that I've had time to think about them, I guess they were pretty sensible. He didn't ask me how I was, or whether I was okay, because that would have been meaningless and stupid. And Angel doesn't say pointless things like that. Instead he asked me what my plans were today, whether I was going to see mum. And I found myself opening up to him, just like I had done the night before. I didn't cry, because I was all cried out, but I confessed to him that I didn't think I had the strength to go see mum like that; so weak and. not looking at all like my mum. I admitted that I was scared, and once again his response surprised me.

'Buffy, it's okay to be scared. It's good to be scared sometimes. Your mother knows about your fear of hospitals, and she understands how hard it will be for you to see her like this. It will just make her appreciate your visit even more. It isn't about courage, it's about love, and you're love for her is stronger then your fear, Buffy, I know it is.'

I don't think I'll ever forget those words, I even wrote them down in my diary later that day. Maybe I'll tell someone about it someday. Maybe one day I'llbe in the position to be saying those words to someone. With all my heart I hope not.

I sat silently for a little while, absorbing everything, thinking. Realizing that your nightmares are actually reality is an indescribable feeling, almost like was sinking in a sea of hopelessness. But I've already drowned once, and I don't really intend to do it again. I intend to survive.

I honestly don't know what possessed me to say it, but before I could stop myself I was asking nervously, almost pleadingly, 'Angel? Will you come with me? To see my mum?' The minute I'd said it, I knew I was asking for trouble. Bringing Angel to the hospital, where all my friends could see him, and Riley. it was like I had a death wish. But I honestly didn't care anymore. I was tired, empty, and at that moment I didn't care about any consequences. Things couldn't get worse then this.

He looked over at me uncertainly before glancing at the hustle and bustle of people and cars outside my window. 'I don't know Buffy. I mean, it's not really my place.'

'Right.' I snapped coldly. 'You just thought you'd come down here, check I was alright just to ease your conscience, and then run back to LA.' I was angry now. Angry that he had the nerve to come back and see me but he wouldn't even go to the hospital with me. It's not like he could even use the sunlight as an excuse. Not since he had that ring. 'Fine, go. I'm sorry I even asked you.' I turned away from him and marched towards my door, knowing how immature I was sounding but not really caring. I only stopped when I realized I was wearing the same clothes I'd had on last night. Great, I must have fallen asleep before I'd had a chance to get changed. I turned back around, making sure I was still scowling, before marching towards my wardrobe and grabbing the first item of clothing I could find. I could have pulled out a pair of polkadot shorts for all I cared. All I wanted to do was get away from him.

He didn't try to stop me as I stomped into the bathroom, and by the time I emerged I figured he had left. Part of me hoped so, and part of me was praying that he was still here. I peeked into my room and my heart sank when I found it empty. He had left me. Again. Because I had told him to.

'Buffy.' I spun around to find him stood behind me, leaning against the banister of the stairs, a hand outstretched to me. 'I thought you might need this.' He continued, handing me my coat.

I took it, but didn't reply. Did this mean he was coming with me? I watched him closely, trying to workout what he was thinking.

'I only have one request. Please let me drive? I'm sure you're perfectly capable, but after hearing about you crashing into the garage door-'

'You mean you're coming?' I sounded far happier then I had wanted to let on, but before I could cover it up, something else occurred to me. 'Angel? How did you know I'd crashed the car?'

He chuckled slightly, and I loved the sound. 'I have my sources.' He answered cryptically.

I grinned as he took my hand and led me downstairs and out of the front door. Part of me felt guilty about smiling when my mother was in hospital, but it wasn't as if I was really happy. I just needed to smile. It was either that or cry, and I'd done my fair share of that lately.

'Oh, and Buffy?' he added before slipping into the car, 'Thank you for asking me to come with you. I'm not sorry you did.' He offered me a full smile then, and it had just the same effect on me that it had back when we had first met. I smiled back at him weakly, not trusting myself to speak without saying something totally idiotic or embarrassing.

'I'm not sorry I asked you either.' I told him finally. And I meant it.It seemed so silly, standing outside mum's ward, collecting myself and preparing myself to go in. I mean, I'm the slayer. But this demon is a completely different one. One I can't fight, and one I can't kill. I finally worked up the courage, and entered, deliberately avoiding looking directly at her. Anything but her. the white walls. the rather broken looking T.V. I must have been standing there for quite a while before I really noticed the silence and the uneasiness it brought with it.

'Hey mom.' I spoke up cheerfully. Too cheerfully. 'How are you?' I winced as soon as that question had left my mouth. 'Right, stupid question.' I added quickly.

'Buffy.' The way she had spoke my name. so many things were said in that word, and it almost brought me to tears as the realization struck me that this would possibly the last time she said my name like that. She smiled at me sadly then, and she looked so weak, so ill. She looked like a person who had given up. She looked like anyone but my mother.

'Mum, hey! Guess what? I forgot to do the dishes today. Aren't you going to tell me off? I mean, when you get home the place will be a mess, and-' I didn't know what had come over me, or what the hell I was saying. I was babbling, and all I cared about was pretending that mum was coming home. That this wasn't really happening.

'Buffy, sweetheart, come here.' Her tone was soothing, and so calm. It was like I was a little girl again, and she was calming me down from a bad nightmare. I wanted to be that little girl again. I'd do anything to be that little girl. I obeyed her, and perched myself on the edge of her bed. 'I'm not contagious.' She chuckled.

'How can you laugh at a time like this?' I demanded, not sure what I was feeling but knowing that whatever it was about to spill.

'What else is there to do?' She asked me gently, and I wanted to shake her. I wanted to shake some sense into her. Couldn't she see? Couldn't she see that she couldn't give up? Not just like that.

'Mum, you can't just.' I trailed off, not sure what to say.

'Give up?' she supplied, reaching over and gently cupping my chin and forcing me to look at her. 'I'm dying Buffy.'

'Don't say that!' I shouted and jumped up, moving my hand to my cheek as if I'd been slapped. I was so close to breaking down. 'Don't you dare say that! Ever!'

'Sweetheart, Buffy, come here.' She reached out to me, and I came, unable to atop myself, and before I knew what was happening I was pulling her into my arms, burring my head into her shoulder and crying.She held me, and rocked me, and whispered soothing words, just like she used to all those years ago. I finally managed to get a grip, and looked up to seethe redness around her eyes, the mark of her own tears, and the sight was almost enough to set me off again. It was as if all the emotions I should have been feeling last night had finally hit me in one huge tidal wave; anger, hurt, sadness, loss, bitterness, helplessness. It's funny, because up until actually seeing mum, the feeling of helplessness had never really struck me. I'd felt angry, bitter, dead. But not helpless.

I lied. It's not funny. It's heart breaking.

'Buffy, listen to me.' She forced me to look at her again, and I held her gaze, forcing myself to be strong. Crying could come later. Crying would come later, but not now. 'I'm so proud of you. so very proud. I know. I know you always thought I hated you being chosen as the Slayer, and at first I did. I thought your calling had denied you a life, but it only served to give you a better one. Who would have thought that you could have taught me so much? But you did Buffy. You taught me about life. You taught me about love. My baby knows how to protect herself, and she protects others. That's all I've ever wanted; for you to be safe.'

'Mum-' She was getting breathless and tired, and I was so worried that she wasn't up to all this talking.

'Please, let me finish, I have something very important to tell you. Angel's waiting out in the corridor isn't he?'

Her question took me by surprise, and I think my mouth actually dropped open. How had she known? I racked my brains frantically. It wasn't as if Will or anyone had told her, because they didn't know themselves, and it wasn't as if Angel himself had visited the hospital last night, because I would have seen him. I frowned when I realized that mum was smiling slightly, almost as if she was about to laugh .'Buffy, honey, I know I've been pretty oblivious in the past, about your Slaying and everything, but I'm not completely blind. He loves you. I know that now, and it's because of his love for you that he's here now.'

I stared at my mother, completely stunned. My mum, the woman who hated Angel, was smiling about the fact that he was here in Sunnydale?

'Buffy, I was wrong when I tried to tell you he was no good for you. It took me along time to realize that, and even longer to be able to admit it. But he does love you, and you love him. My experiences. with your father. have not been exactly great, and I guess. well, I was scared that the same thing would happen to you. I was blinded my own experiences, and I only hope that one day you can forgive me for that.'

'Mum? What are you talking about? There's nothing to forgive, you're my mum!' I replied nervously. I've never seen my mother so worried and nervous, and it scared me.

'You don't understand. one night. Before. graduation.' she paused, as if trying to gather her remaining strength and energy. 'Gosh, fighting sleep is harder then I remember. Back when you were a baby. never used to give me any sleep.' She chuckled slightly, only to cough. I was starting to get really worried. She seemed kinda. out of it. probably because of all the painkillers, but I hated seeing her like that.

'It's okay mum, get some rest, we can talk later-'

'No!' She sounded almost alarmed, and I had to stop her from sitting up. 'Listen to me Buffy. I told Angel. I told him to. it was my fault. I told him to. so sorry Buffy.' and then her head lolled and sleep was taking her, the sedatives finally getting the better of her.

I sat there for a few moments, holding her hand, not understanding what she had been trying to say, or why it had been so important for her to tell me. I've learned the hard way that surprises are never good, and part of me didn't want to find out what mum had meant. Part of me wanted to stay in denial. But the other part, the slayer within, was so much stronger, and curiosity was getting the better of me. Subconsciously I think I also realized that if I had something else to concentrate, such as this mystery, then I wouldn't have time to think about mum, and how awful it had been to see her lying in there like that.

I left her ten minutes later, and I felt so guilty, like I was deserting her, but then Angel was there, those eyes of his searching me, questioningly, loving. Did I just say loving? No.. no. don't go down that road. bad road. evil road. painful road. he's moved on. so have I. Riley. yes, Riley good. Angel bad.

'How is she?' He asked me softly as he took my hand and guided me through the corridors and down towards the waiting room.

'She's dying.' I said quietly. It was the first time I'd ever said that out loud, and the first time I'd let myself accept it. 'She's dying Angel, so you know. she's not too good.'

He placed his arms around me then, and crushed me tightly against him. His embrace offered me so much strength, and a feeling of comforting familiarity. Not safe, but comforting. I forced myself to pull away, not wanting to deal with those kinds of thoughts about Angel at the moment.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to look at least half-calm. 'Mum said something, just before she fell asleep.' I began carefully. 'Something about it all being her fault? Ring a bell at all? She said it was about you. She said she told you to do something.' I trailed off, realizing how ridiculous it sounded .Angel taking orders from my mother? Right, and aliens are invading the earth. 'On second thoughts, it was probably just the medication. it made her kinda. outof it.' I glanced up at him, and he looked anything but confused. He looked nervous and surprised, but not confused. 'You know what she's talking about, don't you?' I said slowly, that anxious feeling returning once again.

'I. I'm not sure.' I've never really seen Angel look like he did in that moment. He always seems so sure and calm; every word spoken clearly and firmly ,every action bold and deliberate. But in that moment he almost resembled a deer trapped in the glare of headlights. 'What. what did she say?'

'Angel? What's going on?' I demanded. I've had so many secrets kept from me in the past, and I really didn't want to have to deal with another one.

'Buffy, it's really not my place to say-'

'Fine.' I cut him off, sighing softly. I wasn't in the mood for this. If he was keeping something from me then I'd deal with it later. Right now I have too much to deal with, and he doesn't trust me enough to-

'You're mad.' He said finally, frowning slightly.

'No,' I corrected him coldly, 'I'm tired, cold, and to be honest I really don't care what you're keeping from me. Surprises and me don't really work well together, remember?'

'You're mad.' He repeated again.

'No. I'm not mad.' I didn't sound all that convincing, although I don't think I could have fooled him even if I had been the best actress in the world. But isn't that what it's all about? Acting? Smiling, laughing, pretending that everything's okay, that the past doesn't exist. You can erase sins, but you can't erase memories, or the influence that comes from them.

'Buffy, please.' He was pleading with me. Pleading me to forgive him for something I didn't understand, pleading for me to just accept it without questions.

I didn't have a chance to respond, and maybe that was for the best, because at that moment we were interrupted by the sound of someone calling out my name. I turned to find Willow and Giles frozen about 5 feet away, mouths handing open and eyes wide in shock. Under any other circumstance I would have found it amusing, but right then I just found it. empty.

Willow was the first to break the silence, stuttering out, 'Angel? What. what. Buffy?'

I sighed heavily and flopped down onto one of those plastic, uncomfortable foyer chairs. 'It's along story.' I glanced up to see Giles and Angel looking at each other warily, almost as if each expecting the other to pounce. In that moment I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Angel. I've been on the receiving end of Giles disapproving looks more then once and it isn't nice, although come to think about. Angel's stares can be just as penetrating and intense, if not more so.

'Giles.' Angel nodded politely and Giles slowly returned it before turning to look at me expectantly.

'Angel came back to see how I was.' I said simply, as if that explained everything.

'And?' Giles prompted when it became apparent that that was all I was planning on saying.

'And nothing. He came to see how I was, and-'

'Well, it's good to see you again Angel.' Willow said cheerfully. Good old Wills, always making sure things ran smoothly.

Angel nodded and shot her a grateful look beforere turning his attention to the information desk, as if silently wishing it could swallow him up. I knew the feeling.

'And nothing happened?' Giles continued.

I looked at him, completely stunned by his frankness. Did he think I was an idiot? Did he think I'd actually risk everything, just for one night with Angel? Well, sometimes I think that I would have. But that didn't excuse that fact that Giles had absolutely no faith in me about the matter. I think he realized his mistake, because he was quickly looking down and muttering a muffled 'sorry.' 'I need some air.' I announced, and immediately both Wills and Giles were standing, preparing to go with me. 'Alone.' I added. Everyone was so tense, so uneasy. These people, who had shared so much together.

'Wait for me, I won't be long.' I ordered, and they obeyed. What else could they do?

I returned 15 minutes later, after taking a long walk around the hospital grounds, which had not been at all helpful in clearing my head. I hadn't expected it to. I had also not expected to find everyone stood just outside the main doors of the hospital. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. Xander, Anya, Riley. oh god, Angel. Riley. together. in the same place. uh oh.I kinda went into a panic, but as I hurried closer any concern about possible trouble vanished. It was already there. Riley, Xander, Angel and Giles all appeared to be in the midst of the full-scale argument, but as soon as they noticed me everything fell deadly silent. I think I preferred the shouting.

'What the hell is going on?' I demanded.

'That's what you should be explaining to us.' Xander replied calmly. 'I want to know what Dead Boy's doing here.'

'And I want you to stop calling me that.' Angel shot back through gritted teeth.

'And I want to know how Buffy is.' Riley spoke up quietly.

I didn't know what to say to that, or more correctly, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say to it. 'What's going on?' I repeated, avoiding both Riley and Angel's stares.

'Erm. nothing.' Willow began nervously, 'we were just. talking.'

I shot Willow an incredulous look. 'Talking? Well, from where I was standing it sounded much more like shouting. What is going on?'

'I should go,' Angel spoke up quickly, and I glared at him. No way was he leaving me to deal with this.

'Yes, you should.' Xander muttered.

'Okay, lets get something straight here. Angel has come to see how I am, and he is not, I repeatednot leaving just because you want him to Xander.' In the corner of my eye I caught Riley looking down, and I immediately felt guilty, although I wasn't sure what for. 'Riley.' I didn't know what to say to him, I honestly didn't. It was so awkward, with Angel stood there, watching me so intently, and everyone holding their breath, just waiting for my next move. I moved to address everyone. 'You know what? I know you came here to show your support, but you are so not helping me at the moment. I can't deal with you stupid fights and your stupid-'

'Buffy, calm down, please.' Willow said softly, looking around at everyone desperately. 'Look at you all. Can't we all just get on for a few minutes without fighting?'

I crossed my arms and turned to look at everyone each in turn, needing to see their reaction.

'No,' Xander said shortly. 'We can't. As long as Dead Boy is here, then I refuse to be.'

I stared at him in disbelief, and sadness swept over me. It was happening all over again. I was defending Angel against them all, and they wouldn't listen.

'Your choice Buff.' He added calmly.

'No, there's no choice to make' Angel spoke up coldly. 'I'm leaving. I shouldn't have come; you've all made it perfectly clear that I'm not welcome. I don't blame you for that, but I'd just like to point out that none of you are perfect either.'

I think that out of all the surprises I've had this week, Angel's comment was the biggest. It's the first time I've ever heard him defend himself against his past. I was almost proud of him. almost.

'You are not leaving.' I said flatly. 'I am.' And with that I turned and walked away from them all. I was sick of the fighting, I was sick of the harsh words, I was sick of everything. And I loved them all so much that it hurt.

Angel came to see me later that night, to saygoodbye I think, although I was too scared to ask. I didn't ask what had happened after I'd left either. I've learnt not to ask questions that I already know the answers to and don't want to hear.

'I'm sorry about earlier.' He spoke up finally.

'I know.' I sighed. 'Don't apologize, it wasn't really anyone's fault, and I guess I over reacted.'

He didn't try to contradict me; he just offered me that half smile of his and chuckled. 'I guess we all did.'

And then curiosity got the better of me. 'What actually happened after I left?'

'You really want to hear this from me?' He teased. 'You forget how biased my account would be.'

'Go ahead.' I grinned.

'Well, lets see. it all ended very dramatically with Giles, Willow and Anya bidding goodbye and walking away, Riley followed after them, and Xander walked into the door.'

'Really?' I couldn't help but giggle at the mental image of Xander and that door.

'No.' Angel sighed, putting on a false, heartbroken expression. 'I made that part up out of wishful thinking. He just left with the others in search of doughnuts.'

I laughed even harder at this and when I finally calmed down I realized I'd somehow managed to edge myself so close to Angel that I was almost touching him. 'Angel? I wish it could always be like this.'

'Like what?' He asked carefully, as unsure of my meaning as I was.

'Like this. Relaxed, happy, no friends to create arguments or problems. just.' I couldn't complete that sentence. I didn't have the nerve. I wanted to say 'us' but I was too scared.

'Yea.' He said softly, knowing what I meant. 'I. how are you? I mean, apart from everything that's been happening lately?'

'Different.' I said thoughtfully. I proceeded to tell him all about my classes, the teachers from hell, slaying. and I even found myself telling him about Parker, although I think I was possessed at the time. I didn't know what to expect from him as a reaction, but he surprised me. He reached over towards and actually pulled me into his lap. Of course I could have stopped him, had I wanted to. He wasn't rough or forceful or anything like that, he simply reached out for me and curled me up against him.

'I'm so sorry Buffy.' He whispered into my hair.

It took my brain a while to register that he'd said something, and even longer to think of words to respond with. Being so close to him again. He'd held me close last night but that had been different. He had been comforting me, and I had been far too preoccupied with my pain to really think much of it. But this was different. We were sat on my bed, cuddled up so close, and everything was so deliberate. We were here like this because we both wanted to be. We needed to be. His hands were combing through my hair so gently before trailing down my arms to rest on my stomach, his hands entwined loosely with mine.

'That's okay, it was my mistake, not yours. You don't need to apologize.' I said lightly, sounding much more casual about the whole thing then I felt. Deep down it still hurt, and somewhere deeper still I hated myself for sleeping with Parker. I felt. almost dirty.

'It wasn't your fault, Buffy.' He said firmly, but with that infinitive gentleness that he always speaks to me with. 'It was Parker's, not yours. He should have known better. Please don't blame yourself.'

I almost wanted to ask him how he knew I blamed myself, but that would have meant admitting that I did blame myself, so I simply nodded. 'Are you mad at me?'

'At you?' He sounded astonished. 'Whatever for?'

'I feel. I feel like I. I betrayed you, I betrayed something so special. making love to you.' We'd never spoken about our night together, well, not really spoken about it, and I'd always been too embarrassed to bring it up. But I felt so safe with him right then and so comfortable taking to him about anything and everything. 'I love you.' I confessed suddenly. This was it. I was once again offering him my heart, leaving myself venerable, and I don't think I could take any more pain. This was it. Make or break.

'I.I.' he stammered slightly, as if scared to say it, before finally whispering, 'I love you too. I never stopped. I couldn't.'

And I felt such relief at hearing those words. It was like breaking to the surface and taking that huge breath of air after being trapped under water. It was wonderful. 'Angel.' I had tears in my eyes, but these were a different kind then earlier. These were out of happiness. These were out of love. I turned to look at him to find a stray tear rolling down his cheek and without thinking about it I put my lips to it and kissed it away. I think that sensation shocked us both, and yet it was so sweetly familiar. I don't think I've ever really known hunger until that moment. Hunger to kiss him, to hug him, to do anything and everything with him. Hell, I was even desperate to wash up with him. This was insane. This was finally making sense.

The End

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