DISCLAIMER: I own nothing...*sob*.
SUMMERY/NOTES: Okay, i don't know where this came from, it's pretty odd, and definately angsty. I just started writing from Buffy's POV just for fun, and this is kinda the result. I imagened her talking to Angel, until i realised the thing's i'd written could only really be done in a letter. So, basically, it's a letter from Buffy to Angel, after he's left for L.A.
FEEDBACK: I honestly doubt you'll like this fic- if you can call it that. I wrote it for me, to get stuff out of my system, i guess. But still, criticism's fine.

I want to tell you I love you. That I still dream of kissing you, touching you the way couples do. I’m not ashamed of that.

So many times in our relationship I wanted to scream out ‘To hell with everything else. Forget about sunlight. The sunlight can’t lighten my heart the way you do. Forget about children. They won’t make me feel complete, not the way you do. And forget about the dam curse and sex. That wouldn’t send tingles down my spine and ecstasy seeping through my heart. Not the way it does when you kiss me.’ Only now I’ve had time to really think about how to put it into words. Not that it really does my feelings justice.

You were so dam sure that what I needed wasn’t you. Just as dam sure as I was that you were everything I needed. Sure, there were bonuses that would’ve been nice, had we both been ignorant and unaware of the darkness that makes up so much of our lives, but they weren’t something I couldn’t have lived without. You were so dam sure of it all that I’m not even sure what you felt for me anymore.

And no, I’m not fishing for you to tell me you loved me. Hearing that hurts, when accompanied with the knowledge that you don’t want to hear me reply in kind. Was it so hard for you, to accept my love? It’s not something I chose to conjure up. Your heart did something to mine… but it was my chose to offer it to you. Did you have to throw it back so hurtfully? Hurtfully because still you claim to have given me your love… when at times I’m left wondering if you had any to give in the first place.

I’ll let you in on a secret I’ve harboured. A fear, really. I’m scared that you didn’t love me, not really, but that you felt you *ought* to love me. You looked at me as if I’m the most wonderfully kind person on this earth. Why? Because I saw you as a person, not a vampire? If you knew the world better, Angel, you’d know that there are plenty more people out there who’d do the same. And a thousand of them would be prettier, smarter, funnier then me. Or did you feel connected to me because of my calling? Was it circumstances that bound you to me, rather then your heart and our love?

Perhaps I am looking for reassurance. Not reassurance that you love me now. Not that you regret the way things turned out. Just that you think of me once in a while. I just want reassurance that the emotions I felt for you… weren’t wasted. Tell me you felt them too. Lie to me, if you need to. Tell me you loved me, once upon a time. And then, when you’ve made your amends, when you’ve opened your eyes and your heart fully to all of human nature, the bad and the good, I want- no, I *need*- you to tell me whether it was my kindness that reached your heart. Or just plain old me.

Buffy.

Go to the sequel Because of My Love for You

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