DISCLAIMER: I wish! But no Joss and his ppl own them
SPOILERS: Up to S6 of Buffy S3 of Angel
SUMMARY: When Buffy is brought back to life, she heads to L.A. in her confused state.
PAIRINGS: B/A
DISTRIBUTION: Want. Take. Have. Just let me know!
RATING: PG13
FEEDBACK: I’d love to know what you think
DEDICATION: To Lana and Lynn, thanks for inspiring me with your kind words.
AN: This is written in Angel’s POV

Chapter 1

I sit here and think of her, think of all we had and I know now she’s gone, really, really gone. I thought that I would be able to go on living without her, that was at least until she really left.

If I hear one more person tell me not to give up hope, and to go on, to keep fighting, and honour her in a way she deserves, I swear I will not be held responsible for my actions.

She was all I ever wanted at one point in my life, and I thought that had changed. I thought I had learnt to live a life separate from her, but who was I kidding? My soul screamed for hers every night, my body ached for her touch, and my lips they wished to be pressed against hers again.

I spent so much of these last years trying to get over her, to put her in my past, so why didn't it work? Was it because secretly I always wished for her?

My body feels so tired now, I just want to give up, my soul wants rest from here too, and I… well I just want her back. Tell me what I have to do to get her back, who do I need to kill, human or not I'll do it. Or is it my life I have to give so she can have hers again, if so where do I sign? I want her here, I need her here, but she's gone and I have to except it.

So now I sit here hiding the fact that she is still my every thought, I smell her scent and I hope for a moment, but as always I know why, she surrounds me, even though she's gone, her essence is all around me. I always feel it. But that still doesn't change that she's gone, gone forever.

Gone, what the hell does that word mean anyway; its stupid how can someone just be gone?

“Angel.” I hear my name being called but I don’t move, I can't move, I can't keep pretending that I'm not broken inside.

“Angel” my name is called again, and this time I manage to turn my head, as I see Cordelia rush outside to where I sit.

“Angel you need to get in here, now.”

I now something bad is happening, I can see it by the look on her face, so I follow her, but never would I have thought that that was what was waiting for me. I freeze as every part of me is numb, I can't even form a sentence.

This can't be true, this can't be real, how, when? I get closer and see it is real, but when I reach out, she doesn't want to be touched. She doesn't know who I am.

“Buffy.” I say as the tears fall free from my eyes.

Her head snaps up and she just stares at me, she looks so lost, so confused. I want to take her in my arms and squeeze her tightly against me, just to make sure it’s really her, and that this isn't another one of those cruel dreams.

“Leave us.” I yell to the others in the room, I want to be alone with her; I just want to be with her.

“It's you, it's really you.” I say as I reach out to touch her again, and this time she lets me. When my palm brushes her cheek, I feel it, that first bit of life in my undead body that I haven't felt in years. I step towards her and pull her in my arms. “Oh Buffy, you’re here, your really here.”

She stands there as if she's lifeless, as I cling to her in desperation. I pull back slightly and notice she's in bad shape, she’s dressed in black, her hairs out of place, and Oh God her knuckles, no she didn't.

“Oh God Buffy, you didn't.” I say as I take her hands in mine, she flinches at first but then lets me inspect them. Without even thinking I raise them to my lips as If my kiss will help ease the pain.

For the first time I notice there's life in her as a tear rolls down her cheek. She opens her mouth as if to say my name, but I notice she has trouble forming the word. I watch her struggle for a moment, so saddened that she was put through this. And as much as it pains me to see that she's so fragile, I'm just happy she’s alive.

When she keeps trying to talk and realises she can't she bursts into tears, and all I can do is sweep her into my arms and take her to my room.

I swear from that moment that I’ll look after her, that I’ll never leave her again, I swear she’ll be Buffy again, and then I hope, hope that when she’s better that maybe she’ll be mine again too.

Chapter 2

As I sit her down on the bed, I try to search my mind for answers, how could this be? How could she be back? It scares me to think of what she's been through. She had to claw her way out of her own grave.

I realise that her wounds need to be tended to, and I go about doing so. After I bandage her hands, she lays down and I stroke her hair as she closes her eyes. She's still so lost but I think she knows who I am.

She hasn't spoken yet, I don't even know if she can. Right now all that I do know is that she's alive, oh God she's alive and she's here with me. I'm going to help her get better, no matter what I have to do; I'm going to do it.

She stirs and I know she's remembering something; she's looks like she's suffered so much. How could someone so beautiful be sent to hell, and for what, saving the world, it's just so wrong.

I wish it were me there in her place, it made it through once, when I returned she brought me back, her love made me remember, I remembered her before myself.

I'm going to make her better, she did it for me once, and I will for her. I know what she's seeing in those dreams; she's having visions of hell, of the torture she was put through.

Why Buffy? Why would the powers that be do this to her? She fought and died for their cause, and they reward her by sending her to hell, they left her there for one hundred and forty seven days, God that would have been hundreds of years of suffering and torture for her.

That's it I quit, the PTB can go to hell, I'm not working for them anymore. That's the first smart decision I've made since finding out about her death, and now she's here alive and I still can't believe it.

I lay down beside her, pressing my chest against her back and bringing my arm around her. I'll never let her go again, and nothing will ever hurt her if I have anything to do with it.

I see that she calms a little as my hand gently caresses hers, and I hope that I can bring her some peace. I love her too much to lose her to those nightmares.

There is a soft knock at my door. I tell them to leave, but they don’t, they just keep knocking. When I open the door I am startled to find Dawn standing there, looking at me with tears in her eyes.

Immediately I know why she cries, I step aside and let her in, she mumbles that Cordelia rang and told them Buffy was here. She tells me that when they approached her in Sunnydale she just ran, and didn't stop.

I know that Buffy may have had her reasons for running, but I can't keep her from Dawn.

Dawn kneels down beside her, and gently strokes her hair, her gaze falls to her hands and she sees the bandages.

“You fixed her hands; I don't know what happened to them.”

“She clawed her way out of her-” I choke on that sentence as tears well in my eyes; Dawn walks over to me and puts her arms around me.

“It's okay Angel, she's back now, and everything’s going to be okay.” I hear her say.

“Dawn I need you to do something for me, here's some money, buy her some clothes, she's going to be here for awhile.” Forever is more like it, but I don't say it.

She turns down my offer and tells me that their going to take her home; my body stiffens at the thought.

“Your not taking her away from me, she's staying here except it.” I yell, and I see the hurt in her eyes, I didn't want to upset her, but right now Buffy is my priority. I’m about to apologise when I'm interrupted.

“Angel.” she says my name in her sleep, and I feel the tears now leave my eyes and fall down across my cheeks. She can speak and her first word is my name. I lay back down beside her as Dawn leaves the room taking the money this time.

I don't really even notice her leave, all I can think is that Buffy knows who I am, she's gonna be okay, oh God she's gonna be okay.

Chapter 3

She awakens in my arms, and I know that she's afraid. She's forgotten where she is; she thinks she's still in hell. She lies on her back now staring blankly at the ceiling.

Dawn enters the room and looks at us lying in bed. I can tell she is just so happy that her sister is alive, but I don’t think she really understands what's going on in her mind. Honestly I don't either, yeah I've been to hell myself, but that doesn't mean I would just automatically know every thought she has, I may have an idea, but that's roughly it.

“Angel, I brought her some clothes, I'll just set them down here.” She puts the bags on the chair by the door and opens the door to leave when suddenly Buffy speaks.

“Dawnie, I have to” she says, and I wonder what she means, Immediately Dawn turns and heads towards us.

“Buffy.” I hear her sister say. “Buffy can you hear me?”

I feel her cling to me, and bury her head in my chest. She's remembering something I can feel it. When Dawn reaches out and touches her, she flinches and tightens her grip on me.

I see her sister close to tears, she doesn't understand what Buffy's going through and it hurts her.

“Dawn, she just needs time.” I say but I know it's not enough, as she runs out of the room in tears. I should go after her I know, but I can't, I can't leave Buffy.

“Buffy, its okay.” I say as I brush my hand across her cheek. “I'm going to help you.”

“Is this Hell?” she asks, so innocently it scares me.

“No Buffy no, you’re not in hell anymore.” I realise that she can't tell the difference between where she was, and where she is now. Or maybe just maybe she wasn't in hell after all.

She just keeps on crying and clinging to me, I pull her into my arms and brush a kiss against her brow.

*********

When I head down stairs to get her something to eat, I hear her friends in the lobby talking about her.

“I think we screwed it up. She's broken.” I hear the girl standing next to Xander say; I think her name is Anya.

“No! She's not broken!” Willow says before she notices me walking towards them.

“Angel hey, how is she?”

“What did youse screw up Willow?” I yell, something is going on and I need to know what it is.

“Uh...nothin-“

“Don't tell me its nothing, what did you do?” I say taking a step closer to her.

“She brought her back.” Anya says

“You what?”

“Angel I had to, I couldn't let her suffer in hell for centuries, when she did nothing wrong.”

“How do you know she was in hell?”

“Angel you weren't there when she jumped, her life was sucked out of her to close the portal. Where else could she have been?”

I want to say it but I'm not sure myself, as much as I am happy that she's back, I couldn't live with it if I found out her friends pulled her out of heaven, I push the thoughts away as her friend speaks to me.

“Can I see her?” Willow asks me.

“After she has something to eat, okay.”

“What? You can't tell us when we can and can't see her.” Xander yells at me.

Without hesitation I grab him by the throat and raise him off his feet “I can and I will.” I say before letting him drop back down to the ground.

“Oh you’re playing the hero now, don't act like you give a damn Angel. You were the one that left her remember.”

I charge at him this time but Willow steps between us.

“How is this helping Buffy?” she asks.

“You're right.” I say stepping back away from the boy, yet not once taking my eyes off him. “I'm going to get her something to eat.”

When I turn around I see the blonde standing there “What the hell are you doing here Spike?”

“Piss off.”

I see him start to climb the stairs, I run after him grabbing him by the collar; pulling him back I watch as he tumbles back down them. “You’re not going near her.”

“Like you can stop me from seeing her.”

“I think I just did.”

“Oh right, your her saviour now are you? It's funny you weren't there when she needed you most, we were, I was. I got thrown off a tower for her, and yeah it didn't help but at least I tried, and where were you Angel, huh?”

He yells at me and I know he's right I wasn't there when she needed me the most. I let her die; when I know I could have saved her. It's because of me that she spent God only knows how long in hell suffering. And if she was in heaven then ultimately it’s my fault she wasn't allowed to stay, because I wished her back, and I got my wish.

“I'm here now, and I'm going to help her.”

“Oh yeah, well your a bit late there mate.”

I can't say anything back because once again he's right, I am too late, but I'm still going to try. “Look I'm not stopping anyone from seeing her, but right now she doesn't want to be around anyone else.”

“Oh right, she just wants to be around you, is that what you want us to believe?” Xander asks me.

“I'm telling you how it is, believe what you want. All I'm trying to do is what's best for Buffy; I thought you would want the same.”

I look at Willow as I know she is the only that will understand and talk some sense into the others “If you want you can all stay here to be close to her, I'll have Cordy show you to your rooms.”

“Okay.” Willow says stopping Xander form saying whatever he was about to.

*********

When I come back into the room only an half an hour later, I see that she has showered and changed, she fumbles with the buttons on her shirt, and when I try to help her she steps back wanting to do it herself.

As much as I want to help her I let her go, it’s not like she needs me to dress her, but I just want to do everything for her, I can't help it.

“How are you feeling?” I ask not knowing wether I will get an answer.

She stares at me blankly for a moment “I'm okay.”

“Well I got you some food.” I say as she walks towards the window and slowly pulls back the curtain. I move quickly so the sun won’t reach me.

“Ow.” she puts up her hand to shield her eyes. I come up beside her staying out of the sun and pull the curtain closed, it singes my hand but I don't notice it as I am too concerned with her.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, the sun.” she is still squinting her eyes.

“It's a little bright I know.”

“I don't like it out there.” she whispers as she sits on the bed.

“Then you don't have to go out there okay, you can stay right here, with me.”

“Will you leave me?’ she asks as she looks up at me with such sorrow in her green eyes.

“No Buffy, never.” I say as I sit next to her and pull her in my arms.

“You did.” when she says those two words I only hold on tighter.

“Never again Buffy, never again.”

I don't know if she believes me, the only reaction I seem to get out of her is occasionally when she talks, otherwise she has a blank look on her face. I sit here holding her in my arms and she just stays there unable to do anything.

Chapter 4

I didn’t want to leave her, I knew I shouldn’t have, but no Cordelia had to send me out on some case with Gunn that was a complete waste of time. And now what happens, I return to find her gone.

“I’ll ask you again, where is she?” I yell as I walk towards Willow and Xander.

“We don’t know.” Her friend tells me.

“We'll what the hell happened?”

“Nothing we just went into your room to see her, you said we could after she ate, so after you left we did.” She whispers, I can tell she feels bad for Buffy’s disappearance, good I’m glad.

“So what did you do to make her leave?”

“I don’t know, she just starting grabbing her head, and saying it was all too much. Then she just took off.”

“Where?” I ask even though I know they don’t have any idea.

“We don’t know.”

“Okay fine, well I’ll go out and look for her, she can’t have gotten far.” I say as I throw my duster back on, and head towards the front doors of the hotel.

“We'll come.” I hear Willow say.

“NO, you’ve done enough.”

I know she is hurt when I yell at her, but right now that doesn’t really mean anything to me, no right now all I care about is finding Buffy and getting her back. It suddenly dawns on me that Spike wasn’t in the hotel, damn it he ran after her, which means he’s with her right now.

I don’t know what scares me more, is it that I’m afraid that she’ll take off when she sees him, or is it that I’m afraid that she’ll let him in?

**********

I’ve been searching for two hours and I haven’t seen her anywhere, I can’t think of any other places to look, but one, although I can’t understand why she would be there.

Something tells me to give it a try anyway, it’s that feeling deep down I only get when she’s around or needs me, and every time I think that maybe she’s there, it gets stronger.

When I pull up to the curb I jump out of the car, walking closer I can see her standing there at the pier looking out at the ocean. It’s dark but I can still sense him, he’s watching her and I hate it.

Sneaking up behind him I pull him aside and tell him to leave, he puts up a fight, but eventually gives in. He knows she’s not ready to be around anyone, he tells me she even ran from him, but he had to stay near by and keep and eye on her, just to make sure nothing happened.

As much as I hate Spike and want to use my favourite axe to slice through his neck, I’m glad that he kept an eye on her.

Slowly I approach her and gently put my hands on her shoulders, she’s startled and she turns around and kicks me, I stumble back and fall to the ground, looking up at her and holding up a hand to stop her from advancing on me.

“Buffy it’s me, Angel.”

She looks at me, then turns back around and takes up her previous task of watching the water.

“Sorry.” She whispers.

“It’s okay.” I say as I rise to my feet grabbing my mid section in pain. Even though she’s been dead for three months, she’s still as spry as ever.

“What are you doing here?”

She just keeps watching the water, and I feel that maybe she’s pulling herself away again, that is until she speaks.

“They kept asking me questions; I just didn’t want to be there.”

“I understand.”

“Do you?” she asks as she turns to face me “Do you know what its like when everyone wants you to be normal again, to act like nothing has happened, to be grateful for being back when you’d rather be dead.”

“Yes”

She looks at me as though I’m crazy and there’s no truth to what I say.

“That’s how I felt when Willow told me you died, and everyone wanted me to go back to the way things were. But I couldn’t, I wanted to die too.”

I don’t know what else to say to her, I feel bad for what I just said. But it’s the truth, and I can’t pretend it’s not.

“I can’t be around them, they did this to me, they brought me back. I didn’t want to leave, I was hap-” she stops and turns back around unable to look at me.

I know now, it’s so clear; I don’t understand how I ever could have thought otherwise.

“You were in heaven?” I whisper, not sure if I should be asking her.

“I think so” she whispers and by the tone of her voice I know she’s trying not to cry.

“Oh Buffy.” I say as I turn her to face me again, only to wrap my arms around her. “I’m so sorry” I know it might not mean much, but I have to tell her that I am, as I feel partly responsible for all those nights I spent wishing her back.

She responds and returns the embrace, holding on to me like somehow it will make her feel better. I don’t know if it does, but I do know that it works for me.

“I knew that everyone I cared about was okay, Dawn, my friends… you. And now that I’m back, I feel like I’m being punished, and I can’t understand it.” She says as she bursts into tears. Suddenly her knees go weak, and she falls, taking me with her to the ground.

There’s nothing I can do or say, everything I think of just seems lame. She needs to let this out, I know she does, but my heart breaks as I feel her tears soaking through my shirt, and burning a hole in my chest, as I hold her tightly against me.

I can’t stand seeing her in pain, I can’t stand the fact that she was in heaven and her friends didn’t give that a second thought, they just pulled her out.

“Let me take you home, and no you don’t have to talk to anyone, I promise.”

She agrees and I pick her up in my arms carrying her to my car. When I sit her inside and close the door, I wonder. How is she going to get through this, its just insane? How am I going to help her when I can’t even understand what’s going through her head.

This is either a break through, or I'm too late, and she really is broken.

Chapter 5

I stay with her, lying beside her on my bed, stroking her hair until she falls asleep. I still can't believe she was in heaven, and that she wasn't able to stay. I watch the rise and fall of her chest as she takes in each breath and a part of me is so happy that I get to see this again.

I remember when not so long ago I used to cherish these moments, her asleep in my bed, in my arms, and I realise that I'm so lucky to have her here again. This is my second chance, she came back, and she came back to me. I'm not going to walk away from her not now, not ever.

But I do leave her, only to go down stairs, I need to talk to her friends and ask what it was that they said to her, to make her run. I need to make sure that if I turn my back for one second, which honestly I don't think I will, that they won’t be back in my room interrogating her.

Once again as I make my way down the stairs I over hear their conversation, I pause wanting to listen, her friends don’t seem to tell me anything anymore. The only time I seem to find something out is when I eavesdrop.

“She doesn't want to see us” Xander mutters and I can see just how much it hurts him. I would feel bad for the guy, but I’m just so angry at them all, that I just brush it off.

“We just asked her too many questions, she just needs some time.” Tara says

“Yeah and Anya asking her what was it like where she was, I mean really what were you thinking?” Dawn snaps at Anya.

“Well what was it that you said to her before we all walked in?” Anya asks Dawn.

“I just told her were glad she’s back, and that we all just want her to be happy.” She whispers, as though she has done something wrong.

“Giles is on his way.” Willow puts down the phone and heads back over to her friends.

“Good.” Her lover replies as she latches onto her hand.

“He's angry.” Willow whispers to Tara while looking down at the floor, luckily my vampire hearing picks it up.

“Because of the spell?”

“Yeah.”

“He said that I didn't care about the consequences... and that I knew tha-”

“That she could have come back wrong. Wrong as in having to get rid of what came back.” Spike says cutting her off, and his words ring in my ears; everything is starting to make sense, stepping into view and right in front of Willow I snap.

“So you all did this and didn't tell anyone that actually knew a little about these kinds of magic’s, why? Because you knew that whatever it was that you brought back, I wouldn't let you take it away. You knew that soul or no soul I would have killed either of you, instead of something that only resembled Buffy in the slightest.”

“You knew all this and you didn't tell me.” Dawn chocks out looking at the rest of the gang as tears fall down her face, Tara tries to take her in her arms but she steps back.

Spike comes to my defence and as much as it bugs me, he actually understands, which is more than I can say for her friends.

“The thing about magic kids. There's always consequences, there’s always a price to pay. Willow you knew that, and now you’re all just sitting around waiting to see what it is.”

“No.” Willow yells “She's Buffy, all Buffy. Angel she's going to be okay, nothing is going to happen.”

“I wish I could believe that Willow.” I say and I really mean it, I really do wish I could believe it.

“What?” She asks me puzzled, like she can’t see that Buffy isn’t exactly what she used to be.

“Do you have any idea what she's going through, where she’s been, what she's seen? No you don’t, and neither of you gave a damn, you just wanted her back, and you didn't care what you had to do to get what you wanted.”

“That's not true.” she demands, but I have a feeling that she knows I'm right, and that she did in fact know of the consequences before she cast the spell, which just goes to show that it was never about doing what was best for Buffy.

It was about them being unable to carry on without her. Really how was that fair on her, she died and got to have that piece of eternal happiness, and her friends decided that they couldn't let her keep it, no they needed her around to live out their own lives. Hadn't she done enough for them? No she had to be sucked out of heaven just so they could sleep easier at night.

Okay so now I realise that I have issues when it comes to these people, Xander for sure the boys always bugged me, Spike yeah he shares my views on this subject but I still want to kill him. Anya and Tara I've only just met. Dawn well she's the only innocent one here, but Willow, the one and only person I trusted mostly with Buffy's life other than myself, if not more. And she was the one to take away her peace and throw her back into this world.

“Leave.” I yell barely controlling my temper.

“What?” She asks, and I feel so angry that I don’t feel I need to repeat myself.

“Get out now.”

“Angel I-”

“JUST GO.” I yell merely inches from her face.

“Willow.” she whispers as she slowly descends the stairs, and it makes me back away from the Wicca and look at her.

“Buffy.” Willow says as a smile breaks out on her face.

“You're leaving?” she asks

“Yeah I am.” she says throwing me an awkward glance.

“All of you?” She says as she stops at the bottom of the stairs.

“Yeah.” Xander says and I can tell that he doesn't want to leave her.

“Not Dawn.” she whispers.

“She has school.” Tara says

“I don't care; I want to stay here with Buffy.” Dawn says as she walks away from me and over to her sister.

I see Buffy look back over at her friends before they walk away “Wait; there's something I have to say.” They all pause and turn back around to face her. “You brought me back. I was in a… I was in hell. I, um... I can't think too much about what it was like. But it felt like the world abandoned me there. And then suddenly… you guys did what you did.” My heart breaks as I hear her words, but I do my best to hide my own feelings, she needs to get this off her chest, so maybe I shouldn’t stop her.

“It was Willow. She knew what to do.” Tara says proud of her lover, and Willow well she just stands there blushing, and all I can think is what a hero you are, you pulled her from everything she deserved and into this hell.

“Okay. So you did that.” She says as she looks at her best friend and I can’t tell she’s holding back her pain. “And the world came rushing back. Thank you. You guys gave me the world. I can't tell you what it means to me.” I can't believe she's saying what she is; she left heaven to be here with these fools, and now not only does she have to accept it, but she has to thank them too. No I won't stand for this, I have to say something, but when I try she silences me with her stare.

“I should have said it before.” She says as she looks back over at Willow, and I can't stand watching this, but what hurts more are the next words to come out of the witch’s mouth.

“You're welcome.” She says as she walks up to Buffy and throws her arms around her. The whole bunch of them crowd around holding her, and it’s another twenty minutes before they leave, all but Dawn and Buffy.

I want to talk to her, to try to understand why she said what she did, but I know her sister needs time with her too. So I glance at her one last time, and she holds my gaze for a second before looking back at her sister. I follow Wes and Cordy out of the lobby, leaving the two alone.

Chapter 6

Dawn's been asleep for an hour now, she went up stairs after she had a good and long talk to her sister. I heard bits of her conversation with Buffy, I didn't mean to listen but sometimes my hearing being what it is, I can't help myself.

I would hear my name and automatically zone out on Wesley and tune into the girls in the lobby.

Dawn asked her why she came to L.A... to me, and I wished for an answer, but Buffy didn't give her one. It's not that I wish she hadn't come here, I love that she did, I love that she ran to me when she needed someone more than she has ever needed anything in her life. But I don't understand it. Although if it had of been me in her place, I would have ran to her.

Oh God I love her, I wonder if she knows, it's been so long since the last time I told her, that sometimes I think that she's forgotten. I hate that we never really got a chance, and that we always had to be careful of something. If it wasn't my soul it was the sun, and if it wasn't the sun, it was something else. There was always something keeping us apart, and I can sit here and blame everything and everyone, but sometimes I just know it was me.

I never thought I was good enough for her, I thought that I was being selfish just by being with her, but sometimes it’s good to be selfish. If only I hadn't of blown it years ago, then maybe I would still be with her now. Maybe we would have made it work, I should never have left her, because if I hadn't, well then she wouldn't have died, and she wouldn't be going through what she is now.

Maybe it's time to tell her again, that I still love her, that I never stopped. But truth be told I'm afraid... I'm afraid that she won't want to hear it, and it will make her run. So for now I'll keep it inside, I'll hide the fact that whenever she's near me I feel like I'm going to explode unless I run my fingers along her smooth skin, or kiss her soft lips.

There's so much I've missed over the last years, like her smile and hearing her laugh. God I miss that sound, that one that would just bring my un-beating heart to life. But she doesn't want to laugh anymore; I don't even think she remembers how. But who could blame her.

I enter my room and find she’s on the phone; she's not really talking, just holding it to her ear, as she stares out the window. The sun will be rising soon, I can feel it and I know I have to close those curtains if I want to stay in here a minute longer, but I don't because she's looking at something. I don’t know what it is, maybe it's nothing, maybe it's just one of those trances I seem to find her in sometimes.

“Willow I'm still here in L.A... so it wasn't me, maybe you guys were just dreaming.”

What is she talking about, what's going on with Willow, why is she even talking to her?

“Thank you for letting me know anyway, and for... you know.”

I hear her thanking the Wicca again, does she not know I'm here and that I can hear this, doesn’t she know how mad it makes me. She shouldn't be talking to them, let alone thanking any of them after what they did.

“Why did you do that… again?” I ask as she puts down the phone. She turns away from the window and looks at me.

“What?” She asks and it feels as though she's looking right through me.

“Thank them, after what they did.”

“It’s what they needed to hear.” She says turning away from me again

“What about what you need?” I walk straight past her and pull the curtains closed

“It doesn’t matter.” Her head drops and she looks at the floor.

“Yes it does, it’s all that matters.” My hand reaches out to brush her cheek

“Angel please, just let it go.” She's looking up at me again, I can see the tears shining in her eyes, they're full of so much pain it feels like they're burning holes in me.

“Okay, but I still don't understand why?” My hand drops back down beside me and I want desperately to take her in my arms, and tell her everything’s going to be okay. But I don’t' know if it is.

“I'm not asking you to.” She says before walking over and sitting on the bed. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, I can tell she just wants to forget about it all, and I know I should change the subject.

“So how are you feeling?” I ask her gently

“Fine.” I swear by the way she said it that it’s been rehearsed.

“Buffy I'm the one person you don’t have to lie to, ever.” She needs to know that I will listen; no matter what it is I will be there and understand.

“Angel can we just leave it, I don’t want to talk about this.” She can't keep on doing this; she can’t have a break through and start talking to me only to crawl back into her shell. But if I persist where is that going to get me? So I have to give in and do as she wishes.

“Okay.” I say as I walk over to the bed and pull back the comforter. “Lay down.”

She moves up on the bed and slips under the covers; I walk over to the door and switch off the light. “Angel.”

“Yeah.” I whisper as I open the door to leave, she needs sleep and I can't keep lying next to her when it might be making her uncomfortable.

“You said you would never leave me.” She whispers

It doesn't even take me a second to get into bed and under the comforter with her. She clings to me immediately and it feels so good to have her holding on to me, so good that I can't believe my soul is still bound.

“I never will.” I whisper leaning forward to kiss her temple, suddenly she tilts her head and instead of her temple, my lips meet hers. She gently presses her warm lips to mine and it feels like something I know I can no longer live without.

How on earth did I walk away from her? How could anyone leave someone that they loved the way I love her. How on earth have I gone so long without her kiss?

When she pulls away a groan escapes my lips, it just feels so right having her here with me. I look down at her smiling and I see real proof that she is healing, as she returns my smile with one of her own.

For the first time I believe that everything will work out, and I start to hate Willow a little, and I mean only a little less for what she did, because now I have Buffy back.

Chapter 7

I sent Dawn back home to Sunnydale not long after it happened, I didn't want her to see Buffy fall. I just can’t believe it, she was doing so well and now it seems as though she’s regressed.

She was dealing with the fact that she was back on earth and no longer in heaven, I even saw her smile. But now she's dealing with the fact that to bring her back, her friends created a demon, and now she thinks that demon is a part of her, buts its not. She fought it and killed it, and that’s it, end of story, she’s still here.

She just doesn’t see it like I do though. All she does now is keep to herself; the only time she leaves the room is to lock herself in the basement, to do some training, on her own. I hate that she's pulled herself further away from me.

She says she's fine, but I don’t believe it, she's not the Buffy I used to know, she's so different it really worries me.

There’s been a lot of times in the last few days where I have sat in that chair, by the bed and just watched her sleep. It was different to when I used to watch her all those years ago, she was so peaceful then, even when it was Angelus watching her she was peaceful, but now it’s different.

Now she seems as though she doesn’t even dream, I don’t know if that makes sense, but the only way I can tell she is still there is with each breath she takes. Other than that there’s no movement, no sign of life.

It feels like one day I have found her, and then the next I have lost her again. I cant stand seeing what she’s going through, and I cant sit by and watch anymore, she needs to snap out of this, and I don’t care what I have to do to make her do that.

I used to care before but now I don’t give a damn, she can’t keep doing this; she can’t keep pulling herself away from the rest of the world. From those that love her.

“We need to talk.” I say grabbing a hold of her arm and spinning her around to face me.

“I’m training.” She says spinning back around and throwing her fists at the punching bag.

“I don’t care Buffy, this can’t wait.” I say trying to make her turn around again but she just pushes me away and keeps taking it out on that bag.

“If that’s the way it’s going to be.” I say walking back over towards her; I grab a hold of her shoulders spinning her around again. “Take it out on me.” I demand.

“What?” she tries the free herself from my grip, but I won’t let her.

“Hit me.” I yell trying to do anything to make her pour all those emotions she’s bottling up inside, out on me.

“Angel just go away.” She says turning away from me again. I grab a little more firmly this time and it’s the trigger because she finally reacts.

Spinning around she throws her fist at me and it throws me back a few steps. “That’s my girl.” I say which only results in me getting another hit in the face, only this time it really does shock me.

“I’m not your girl, you don’t own me Angel, you left me, left me all alone to die, so don’t try and make up for it now.” She yells at me and all I think is that I would have rather have had a stake through the heart than to hear her say that.

Yeah I know I left her, there’s not a day that passes by that I don’t think of how big a mistake that was. Yeah she died, and yeah it was my fault, but I’m trying to fix that, but she doesn’t want me to, she wants me to walk away, and I can’t... I love her too much.

I don’t want to hear anymore, so tearing my eyes away from hers I do what I don’t want to and turn and walk away. I make it up the stairs and all the way to the door, when I realize I can’t do it, and I’m stupid for thinking I could. I can’t give up on her even if it is what she wants.

So I walk back down the steps and back over to her “I’m not leaving this room.” I say and I don’t care if she hates having me around, I’m not going anywhere.

“Fine.” She says stepping around me and heading for the stairs, I reach out grabbing a hold of her and roughly pulling her back towards me. She doesn’t really react its like that was what she was expecting me to do, I grab her shoulders tightly and I feel like begging her if I have to.

“Deal with it Buffy, right now, deal with it.” I say as I shake her without even really realizing I’m doing it.

She looks at me for a moment as though she’s lost, blankly staring into my eyes and I just want to do anything I can to find that Buffy, the one I remember from years ago, sometimes I wonder if she really is there.

Once again she takes me by surprise but this time instead of her fists its her lips locking with mine, I don’t know what to think or do, should I react, is that really a question? Returning her kiss I wrap my arms around her wanting to feel her close.

But she pulls my arms away and instantly grabs at my shirt tearing it open and pushing it off. I pull away looking at her.

“Buffy? What are you doing?” I ask

“Angel, make me feel again, make me feel something.” She begs

“Buffy I cant, you know that if I could, there’s no way I would say no, but I can-”

“You won’t lose your soul Angel.” She says cutting me off, and the thing that really grabs my attention is how sure of it she sounds, it’s comes out like a statement like its something I should already have known.

“What are you talking about?” I ask her trying not to get my hopes up, this can’t be real, she can’t be saying that...”

“There’s no curse.” Is the next thing to escape her lips.

Chapter 8

/ Buffy's POV /

Fire. Hell, hell, hell, have to get back, mommies waiting.

Don't like it here, scary here, no mommy here, I don't understand, hell, want to go back, how?

Run, run, run, run, they won't stop following, hands hurt, was in ground, got out, now fire, hell.

Need to go home, can't find it, run, need to run.

~

Stop running now, feeling, feeling something, hell, but better here. Don't know her, don't like her, want to run, but I can't find mommy.

Vampire, knows me, holds me, loves me. Don't understand, but I feel, feel him, hell, home.

~

Dead, was dead, died for Dawnie, love Dawnie. Back now, Angel, help me, need Angel.

~

Better, I think I am, I don't know anymore, I know I'm back, I know how I came back, my friends did this. I'm here with him, I know I shouldn't be, it never works with us, but I can't help it, I don't want to go, I'm not ready to.

~

He says he'll never leave, I don't believe it, I'm sick, whatever I am, whatever they brought back its dirty, I'm dirty. He can't love me when I 'm this dirty. I hate myself, I hate everything about what I am now, the only thing I like is him and what he does to me, makes me feel, safe, loved.

I want to feel more, I want him to make me feel more, there’s no curse, nothing stopping us, but him. He doesn't want me, I knew he wouldn't, I knew he would leave.

**********

“What did you just say?” I ask her when I know exactly what it was that she said. But she couldn't, there's no way I could have heard her right, there's no way that my…

“You're soul's not going anywhere.” Why does she keep saying it like its something I'm meant to know, why does she say it like it really doesn't mean anything at all?

“How?” What am I stupid? Does it really matter? My soul is bound, Buffy said it and I believe it, do I really need the details? Something tells me I do, that whatever is behind this isn't good and I should find out as much as I can, but when she asks her question, I really don’t seem to give a damn.

“Does it matter?” She echoes my exact thoughts

I look at her, she's so damn beautiful, standing there her hands planted firmly on her hips, her long blonde hair falling past her shoulders, those eyes, the ones that are still so lost looking at me, and then there are the other things that are driving me completely insane. Her body, the one I would do anything to touch, her lips the ones I wish I was still kissing.

That's when I realize that it really doesn’t matter, and I really don’t give a damn. Grabbing a hold of her arm and pulling her towards me “Nothing matters” I whisper against her lips, before forcing my own upon them.

I haven’t made love to her in years, and all I can think about is the fact that it’s about to happen, so I kiss her like it’s been forever since the last time. I kiss her as she slides my shirt off my shoulders and then hastily gets to work on my pants.

My hands slid up under her top and I want to take it off, I want to pull at it, rip it to shreds, just to get it off her so she is standing here half naked before me. But as she is about to remove my pants something hits me and I know I can’t do this, not like this anyway.

“Buffy wait.” I pull her hands away from me.

“No Angel, don't stop, please just take me away from this.” She begs me, I don’t like this, this isn’t her, not the Buffy I remember.

“Away from what? Talk to me Buffy; tell me what you're running from.” I’m losing her, I know it, I don’t know what to do, how the hell do I make things better?

She ignores me and starts on her own clothing, watching me as she undoes the top button on her pants.

“Don't.” I watch her every move, I want to but we can't do this, it's not right; I know it, so why can't I stop her.

She reaches for the bottom of her top and starts pulling it up, about to remove it, I can see her naked abdomen, and I just want her to take it off, take it all off, but this is wrong, so I stop her.

“Stop it.” I demand, pulling her top back down

“You don’t want me?” she asks as I do the button up on her pants.

“More than anything.” I don’t know how to make her see that.

Staring at me for a moment I wonder if she believes me, this is just so hard, I want to give in, and make love to her more than ever, but I can't. Even if my soul is bound like she swears it is, I can't take advantage of her like this.

“Liar.” She snaps, her tears starting to fall, I made her cry, I'm so damn good at that.

“No Buf-” I try to comfort her, but she won’t have any of it, and my open arms are pushed away.

What the hell am I meant to say? I don't know what to do to make things better, and maybe there's a valid reason for that, I'm not supposed to. I really don't want to give up, but maybe I'm not the one that's meant to help her.

The door at the top of the stairs creaks open and I’m in no mood for interruptions, whatever the case is they can handle it without me, because I’m too afraid to leave. I can’t risk coming back to find her gone. As I’m about to tell whoever it is to get out, and leave us alone, I’m beaten to it, as the intruder whispers her name.

“Buffy.” I turn to see her watcher staring down at us, shocked, like he never believed Willow when she called days ago to tell him his slayer was alive.

She's blinks for a moment, then there's recognition, then more tears. Stepping around me Buffy quickly climbs the stairs coming to a halt before the English man.

Throwing herself into his arms I see what's happening, Giles was meant to be the one, the one to help her, not me, it was never me, all I ever managed to do was make things worse.

When I'm left all alone, in this dark room, the same one she was offering herself to me in only mere moments ago, I feel there's nothing left for me to do but take out my anger on the bag.

I love her, I need her, more than anything, but now she'll leave and Giles will be the one to help her. Not me, it was never me. She came to me broken, and I tried to fix her, to help her heal, but in the end, I wasn't up to the task.

Chapter 9

I’m still in bed, it’s been seventy hours since she left me, and I feel like she took my whole world with her. I wanted to be the one to help her; I wanted to be there when she said she was all better. I wanted to hold her when she cried, and kiss her when she needed love. I got that for a little while, but a little while wasn’t long enough.

I keep telling myself that there’s things I should have said to make her stay, I should have told her I’m here, I should have told her that I care more than anyone else ever could. I should have made love to her.

No! I can’t go there, that’s not the answer, and it would only be a patch, something to seal all her deep wounds. But sooner or later that patch would peel, and she’d be worse off.

Still, I could have at least told her I love her.

So now all I do is lay in bed, breathing in her sweet scent from the covers she was wrapped in only days ago, wishing I were still holding her in my arms, reading to her as she fought the demons in her nightmares, caressing her soft skin as she smiled at me through her pleasant dreams.

But I don’t get to have that anymore, she’s gone, Buffy’s gone, I mean she’s still alive but not here with me. I watched as her watcher helped her pack her things, I watched as they got into that car together, I watched as she left me, paying me back for what I did to her, so long ago.

Wait… twenty eight months. It’s been twenty eight months since I left her. No it has to have been longer. How is that right? The time we spent together, almost three years, it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t as long as these twenty eight months have been.

I wonder why it’s so hard, why I feel like every day with out her takes a piece of me.

I need her, I always have, and I always will. These last weeks have shown me just how much, her death has shown me. Why couldn’t I see that before, why did I have to hurt her and let her die when I could have spared her that pain?

Why am I still here? I don’t deserve to live after what I did to her. I guess when I was helping her, and trying to get her through this, a part of me was trying to make up for everything… like I ever could.

The large hand hits the twelve and its eighty one now, and soon it will be eighty two, each minute, each second is unbearable without her, how am I mean to make it?

I wonder what she’s doing right now, how she’s feeling. Giles better be taking care of her, because if I find out that he’s left her with those so called friends of hers, well I’ll make my way to Sunnydale and bring her back.

I know I should be doing that anyway, she needs me, I can feel it, her souls crying out for mine, and I double over in pain, the only thing that escapes my lips is the one word, it’s five letters in total, and comes out a plead “Buffy.”

**********

Two hundred and ninety six hours and twenty three minutes, and she’s still not back. I thought she’d realize she needs me by now, that I need her. I thought she’d run back to me, doesn’t she see that that’s what I need her to do.

How long will I keep going on torturing myself? I should have given her what she wanted, patch or no patch at least she’d still be here.

I should go, back to Sunnydale and tell her. Buffy needs to know I was stupid, she needs to know I want to take back my last moments with her.

All I’ve ever wanted was her happiness; maybe I could give her that. Maybe this was our fresh start and I just couldn’t see it.

The only thing is I barely feel her now. Everyday she drifts further and further, which either means that she’s drawing herself away from everyone close to her, or she’s letting someone else in.

Is it fair to say that I would give anything for it not to be the latter? She’s mine; no one else can have her. She needs me, she told me so herself, but then again, she also asked me not to leave.

And I did.

I turned my back on her at the worst time possible. Now I have to hope that I’m not too late, that she hasn’t found understanding in another. I’m her understanding. I’m her love, she needs me. How many times do I need to remind myself of that?

After a quick shower, and a speedy drive, I find myself in these same familiar streets. Sunnydale. It feels strange to me, like it’s no longer my home, that is until I feel her.

It’s faint, but it’s there, she’s my home.

My eyes scan the darkness searching for her. She’s close by; I can see her now, her long white hair glowing in the moonlight. Her small frame kneeling beside her… beside her mother.

Her head turns slightly, she knows I’m here, she’s been expecting me. Well that’s wishful thinking for you. The funny thing is I would have sworn for hours on end that Buffy would always know it’s me. We have a connection, one that I can barely feel anymore, but still a connection is a connection.

“Spike it was a kiss, it meant nothing, now please leave me alone.” She pleads thinking I’m someone else, thinking I’m that I’m that soon to be the very meaning of the word dead, blond vampire.

I pause, not taking a single step closer. What did she… No, she couldn’t, no.

All I can do is shake my head in despair, this isn’t happening, she hasn’t. I don’t know what she was thinking. What has she done to us?

What is she doing with… “Spike?” His name is a growl that escapes my lips.

Buffy whips around when she hears my voice, as though she’s just been caught doing something wrong. Looking up at me her face contorts in pain and I can see she can’t hold it any longer. Taking her head in her hands, she cries.

Spike? How, why, Buffy? This can’t be real; she can’t have gone all the way to him. She loved me, not that jerk; I was the only vampire, the only man period to ever have her love. I swear that’s what she said. Than why, why that bastard?

I can’t move, I want to comfort her, tell her that’s its okay and I’m here for her, but I can’t.

Spike?

Did I even hear her right? Not Spike, anyone but Spike.

There’s nothing I can do, I came here for no reason at all, I was so blind with love and a touch of regret for letting her go, that I thought she was pining away for me like I was her. I’m such and idiot.

I back away, slowly turning, unable to be near her. She let him touch her. My Buffy, and my grandchilde, no I can’t think about this.

“Angel?” She whispers my name, and then comes to her feet to follow me. But I just keep walking; I can’t talk to her right now. All I see is him, he kissed her, and she let him. I can’t deal with this.

So once again, I walk away, I’m sure I’ll regret this, but sometimes walking away is just necessary.

Chapter 10

“Angel wait, please.” She calls out to me, but I can't.

If it had of been anyone else it wouldn't have hurt as much, but Spike, how could she? Every which way I try to get my head around it, I can't. I love her so much, and I tried to help her, I tried to make her pain go away, but she ran to him, she wanted him, not me.

“I can't give you excuses, I know that, but I can give you the truth… Everything here is just so hard.”

I don't want to stick around but in a way I think I owe her that much.

“My friends know now, that I was in heaven, and so much has been going on here, and Spike jus-”

I raise my hand to stop her from going on “You know what, I don't want to know.” I was right in the first place, I can't just stand here in a cemetery and listen to her tell me that she loves him, that he makes her feel good, that she's has chosen him over me... that he touches her in ways I only dream to.

Turning I make my way out of the cemetery, and over towards my car. Every part of my body is pulling me in the other direction; my heart is telling me that if I leave I'll never stop regretting it. My soul is screaming for her, but I can't listen, and so I follow my stubborn mind and once again walk away from the only thing that ever meant anything to me.

“Angel please.” She begs me again, as she watches me turn the key in the ignition.

I bring my eyes up to look at her one last time, she's so beautiful, and of course Spike would want her, just look at her. But I always thought, or hoped at least that she would never want anyone other than me. Wishful thinking, I know that's all it was.

“Goodbye.” I whisper, my unshed tears blurring my vision as I know that this is it.

“Don't go.” she yells to me as I speed off down the road, with L.A in sight.

**********

It's been an hour since I got back, and I swear that Cordy was here sitting right next to me but mere minutes ago. I think she was trying to cheer me up, but then the conversation turned as she started talking about a pair of Jimmy Choo's that she desperately wanted. It’s funny how her aim was to put a smile on my face yet in the end she walked out with an advance on her paycheck and a week’s vacation.

How the hell did that happen?

I think it was her way of teaching me a lesson; she always hates it when I'm brooding. I hate it to, but mostly I hate thinking of her, of Buffy that is.

I hate thinking of her being with that moron, I hate that I didn't drop by wherever the hell it is that he calls home and kill the blonde freak. But mostly I hate myself for walking away from her, I knew this would happen. When am I going to realize the fact that no matter what, I want and need her?

Another thing I want is to go back and find her, tell her I'm sorry, but I can't.

“Here's the thing, I'm going to speak and you're going to listen.” I whip my head around to see Buffy standing there, in the middle of the lobby. She followed me, and although a part of me wonders why when there's nothing left to say, the other part is just so glad that she did.

“Buffy, I...”

“No you've done enough talking, it's my turn now.” she insists, she's so angry at me; I can see it in her eyes. So I sit and let her say all the things she has come here to.

“It all started just before I jumped, I knew that everyone would be mad and that they wouldn't understand, but I didn't care, I had to save her, I couldn't lose anyone else Angel.”

She's already crying I can see the tears as they slowly glide down her smooth milky cheeks. I want to stop her, to tell her that she doesn't have to explain, that I still care about her but it's just too hard to love her. I don't though, because I know she needs to let this out, it’s been eating away at her since she came back.

“So I did it, for her, because I was only going to get to live till I was around twenty five anyway, and Dawn, well she has so much more living to do. When I came back, I... I didn't understand anything; all I knew was that I was in heaven and the next thing bam! They pulled me out… I just wanted to die.”

She breaks down in sobs and I quickly come to my feet wanting to comfort her, to tell her that it’s okay, and that I'm here, but she takes a step away, she's not done yet.

“Living in this world again after being dead for so long was too hard, I didn't understand things, and I started to forget heaven. I didn't want to do that because I still wanted to be there. The only time I seemed to feel anything was when you would hold me as I slept, that's when the dreams would come. In a way they were nightmares because I was reliving everything that happened in those three months, like I was meant to remember again, like it was too important of a thing for me to just forget. The last dream was the night after I killed that demon, the one Willow and the rest of them created when they brought me back. I dreamt of a conversation, I still can't remember who it was with, all I do remember was a voice telling me your soul was bound, had been since Willow did the spell. You see when Jenny translated it, she took out the clause. So the next day I remembered the dream and all I wanted was to make love to you, but I didn't think that you would want me, I mean look at me I'm so dirty, I...”

“No you're not… You're beautiful.” I say as I jump to my feet and rush over to her, reaching out I gently caress her cheek with the palm of my hand, how could she even think for a second that she was anything but angelic? Everything else she said about my soul doesn't really register, sure it makes sense, and it means that I can be with her, but right now, as much as I want that, it's not what's important, she's what's important.

“Please Angel... let me finish.” She begs as fresh tears fall from her mesmerizing eyes.

I only nod, quickly pulling my hand away.

“When you denied me, I thought that you didn't want me anymore, so when Giles showed up, I left because it was too hard to be around you and think that you were disgusted by me. But when I got back to Sunnydale I realized just how wrong I was. Every minute that I spent here with you, you tried to help me, you got me through one of the darkest times of my life, but the only thing is… I'm still not better. My life sucks, I have so many people depending on me, I've been thrown back into slaying, and I have to go around pretending that everything was just fine with me inside.... well I did until tonight.”

She pauses to take a breath, and I can tell that whatever it is she’s about to tell me isn’t going to be easy.

“There was this musical thing that swept through Sunnydale, we were all singing, in fact I'm still cringing just thinking about it. Anyway the truth came out, Willow, Xander, Giles, Dawn, they all know now, they know I was in heaven.”

“And?” I ask wanting the part of the story I'm clearly missing.

“And that's it.” she says with a shrug of her shoulders.

Oh no she doesn't, there is no way she is going to tip toe around the subject of Spike, I want to know, I want to know what drove her to the point of letting him kiss her.

“What about Spike?” I ask as calmly as I can manage, even though my hands are clenched into tight fists by my side.

She just looks at me for a moment, she's so lost, I can see it now more than ever. “Spike was the only person in Sunnydale that didn't expect me to be okay with everything. The kiss was stupid and wrong, I know that but… Spike is the only person I can talk to.”

“That's not true, you have me.” I can't believe that she would think of Spike like that, he's a vampire for God's sake. I mean sure I am to, but I have a soul and he doesn’t. So why would she want him to be there for her instead of someone that truly loves her?

“Do I?” She holds my gaze for a moment before looking away. I know what the answer to that question is yes, but for some strange reason I can't get the word out. “I thought as much.” she looks back up at me for a second before turning and heading for the door.

“Buffy wait. We can't keep doing this, following each other home and then leaving, it's not right.” There's so much more I want to say, but it's so hard to think, I just want her here, why can't I just tell her that?

“Okay, so what exactly do we do about it?” She asks turning once again to face me.

“I don't know, all I do know is that I don't want you to go, I don't want Spike kissing you when it should be me. I don't want you to end up in his arms because I couldn't be there for you. I love you so much Buffy, and I honestly don't know if we have a future, but I want to try. I know it’s going to be hard, we do live in different cities, but still… I don't want to go another twenty eight months without you.” I don't even know if what I just said made any sense at all, but its how I feel, and she needs to know that.

“You love me?” she chocks out as if she can't believe it.

“Always.” There really hasn’t ever been, or for that matter ever will be another answer.

“Show me.” she smiles, and with three quick strides I pull her into my arms and I'm kissing her again.

**********

I told her that it didn't matter, that I would wait, she still has so much healing to do, she needs time and I accept that. But then when she pretty much insisted that I make love to her, well... who am I to say no?

She's been asleep for a couple of hours now, and all I can do is watch her, breathe her in, feel her tender warm skin against mine. I love her, I always will, and no matter what’s next, what battles we have left to fight, we'll do it together.

As I stroke her sun kissed hair, she stirs, smiling up at me her eyes still closed. “Angel?” She mumbles.

“Yeah.”

“How's forever?” She utters those two words, the ones that this time around I know I have an answer to.

Sunlight, children, no of it matters anymore, because in the end what does any of it mean without love, real love. Gut wrenching rip your heart out, leave you broken, yet at the same time euphoric kind of love. If either of us got the chance to have a family with anyone else, none of it would give us the happiness we find in each other.

“Forever works just fine.” I smile before bringing my lips down to hers.

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