Disclaimer- I own nothing, sob. I'd bring back Doyle if I did.
Spoilers- Yes, up to Season Four BTVS, and my fic 'Roll of Thunder'
Feedback- Using my trademark pouty Buffy face, please?
Sequel- To 'Roll of Thunder', my silly fic where the gang battled Dracula in his castle.
Authors Notes- I don't know what inspired me to write a sequel to my sillyfic, I guess I enjoy being as rubbish as I want without it mattering a bit. This fic hasn't got anywhere as many 'gaglines' as the other one, so it's not as funny, but it was a laugh to write and is really light hearted. I might make a series, actually. There's a couple of sex references but not enough to shock people. The name is after the film House on Haunted Hill which I've never seen, and the Haunting, as a kind of celebration of the fact that ghosts seem to reside on hills. The legend I refer to is purely made up by me. As always, I hope you enjoy it. Adia X
Summary- Still looking for a place to go on holiday, the gang try their luck in England.

ACT ONE- Black Screen, then hazy images of last episode (Roll of Thunder)

WILLOW VO- "Our last Scooby vacation kind of ended early because of, uh, how we ended up at Dracula's scary palace where he proceeded to try and suck us all dry. Riley died there, it was sad, but Buffy and Angel got back together, which was good. And now, we're all trying to plan another holiday where none of us end up dead and where we get to be away from Sunnydale for at least a day. We weren't having much luck, just hanging round Giles' apartment completely bored, until-"

Cut to- GILES' apartment where everybody is just hanging around. Door opens and SPIKE enters.

SPIKE- "I can't take it anymore, we need a holiday, stat."

XANDER- "I don't get why you'll be coming with us, Spike, you're evil"

SPIKE- "Yeah, well if I don't then while you're away, I might get my chip out and kill the entire town. You need to keep an eye on me"

ANYA- "You just want a free holiday. Even if it wasn't a bad case of denial about your chip coming out, you'd be deluding yourself into thinking you could pull it off. How many times has Buffy defeated you? You're like a cat, nine lives and all that witchcraft voodoo, you know you'll stuff up again and again-"

WILLOW and TARA- "Hey!"

ANYA- "-and by rights, if you weren't so cute you'd be dead by now. I don't get how you haven't become dust yet"

XANDER- "Honey, breathe"

ANYA- "I was just saying. You lot don't like to talk about the obvious, do you?"

XANDER- "True, but you're insulting Willow and Tara through dissing witchcraft, mocking Buffy's job as a slayer and hurting Spike's pride. It's a bit too close to home"

ANYA- "That's ironic. Monsters, demons and spirits can't kill you, but one attack on your feelings can drop you all like a kick in the-"

GILES- "Anya!"

ANYA- "Okay, sorry. No offence Spike, you know I like you, especially your bleached head."

SPIKE- "No offence taken"

SPIKE turns away and we, the audience, see tears in his eyes. He wipes them and looks back.

GILES- "Spike, we've been trying to find a perfect place to stay, but it takes time. We don't want to end up fighting for our lives again like last time"

WILLOW- "It makes for a stressful holiday"

SPIKE- "I wouldn't have minded, a bit of killage always cheers me up. Can't you put all those nancy brochures in a hat and just pull one out? I'm desperate to get away, nothing ever happens here anymore"

GILES- "Well, why don't you suggest somewhere?"

SPIKE- "I will, uh, that one"

Camera pulls in to see where Spike is pointing, a brochure which says 'Murder Mystery Weekend' with a cartoon red lipped woman screaming on the cover.

Most of the Scooby Gang moan.

WILLOW- "Are you serious?! After everything we've been through, it'll be tacky"

SPIKE- "I need to live death and murder vicariously, seeing as no-one is dropping stiff here. Last person to snuff it was Riley two month's ago."

WILLOW- "Ssh! He's 'missing' , get with the cover, or do you want us all arrested?"

XANDER- "But we didn't kill him, Will, Dracula did. I still don't see why we never told the truth to the cops"

WILLOW- "He was last seen getting on a plane with us. When we returned, his girlfriend was smooching her ex without one care in the world for his whereabouts! It'd be pretty suspi-"

BUFFY and ANGEL enter, his arm around her waist with a big grin, her giggling.

BUFFY- "Hey everyone, guess what? We have found a place non-Sunnydale to stay, with romantic scenery and sensual accommodation all at a nifty price"

SPIKE- "How are the lovebirds getting on, you reckon? Just a guess?"

Shot of BUFFY and ANGEL gazing into each others eyes, lovingly

XANDER- "I think they're hanging on by a thread, personally"

SPIKE-"All that passion, sigh, it makes me think of Dru and how good it was before my dear sire got with the programme and started acting all Angelusy again"

BUFFY- "Spike, are you missing your smoochies with Drusilla?"

SPIKE grumbles to himself sadly

ANGEL- "You'll find love with someone one day, Spike. Someone that burns your mind with passion, makes life worth living for, elevates you to another level of happiness…"

BUFFY- "That's so beautiful"

ANGEL- "I know, I was talking about you"

They kiss

GILES- "Uh, Buffy?"

They continue

GILES- "Buffy! You said you found a place to stay?"

BUFFY- "Oh, sorry, it's a sweet hotel in England. Here"

Again a close-up. A picture of an English, old-fashioned building with the fluffy written words 'Bolton Abbey Hotel' over it in pink. BUFFY was right, the prices are good.

GILES- "NOOOOOOO! We can't go there, it's evil!"

XANDER- "Is anyone else beginning to see a trend? Suggest a place to Giles, watch him wig out?"

GILES- "Legend has it, that any building named after Bolton Abbey becomes a magnet for angry ghosts, I've read about them, evil phantoms that screw with your mind and turn you crazy"

BUFFY- "This place was only built a few years ago, Giles. There's no way it's haunted"

ANGEL- "Exactly, so who's wants to come with us? There's a special deal if we book lots of rooms together"

Everyone apart from GILES nod and agree, happy to be with their loved ones, and to explore England.

WESLEY- "I can catch up with my family"

TARA- "It'll be me and Willow's first holiday away together"

SPIKE- "I can catch up with the places I once killed people"

ANYA- "Me and Xander can have lots of sex in a different country"

ANGEL- "I can go to Ireland and visit the places I killed people"

BUFFY-"Honey?"

ANGEL- "After we've had romantic holiday together first of course"

BUFFY- "That's more like it"

GILES- "Are you all mad? You can't go there, the ghosts will destroy you, the legend is true"

BUFFY- "But that's what you said about Dracula"

GILES- "And I was right- he existed, tried to bite you, then killed Riley"

BUFFY- "Oh yeah, I, uh, forgot."

ANGEL- "We've pretty much repressed everything Riley related"

BUFFY- "Police are still on our backs, though… damn interviews…"

ANGEL- "All those questions…So we're game?"

SPIKE- "It'll be like memory lane, huh, Angelus?"

XANDER- "And Spike, maybe you'll meet someone else and finally get over Drusilla"

WILLOW- "Sounds like a plan. Giles?"

GILES- "I'm sick of you never believing me, my opinion never counts, despite being completely right. I might as-"

XANDER- "So you're coming or not?"

GILES- "I'm in, and if I'm right about ghosts trying to liquefy your minds, you owe me one gigantic apology. Again."

Cut to- View of the hotel as we hear BUFFY say "Agreed."

Thunder, lightening, the usual. It's early evening, by the way. The entire Scooby gang, inc. CORDY, ANGEL and WESLEY, are walking down a long, dark and drab corridor as the OWNER shows them to their rooms. Candles seem to be the only mode of light which add to the gothic atmosphere.

XANDER- "This place looked more modern in the leaflet"

ANYA- "Pass it over. Oh, I see. Buffy said it was made a few years ago, in 1997?"

XANDER- "Yeah?"

ANYA- "Well, it's small writing, but I'm pretty sure that nine is an eight"

XANDER- "You mean 1987?"

ANYA- "No, I mean 1897"

Cut to- XANDER'S surprised face as the shot blacks out.

ACT TWO- Fade In.

XANDER- "What?! Great, that practically guarantees at least one ghost trying to turn us crazy, as Giles said"

ANYA- "I like being sane, things make more sense. Come on, we'll find another hotel to have intimate relations in instead"

XANDER- "Wait, we have to tell the others. They think this place will be Boo-free, the ghosts might try and turn them mad"

ANYA- "Why should we? They want to be here, we don't."

XANDER: "But we have to at least- alright, lets go."

They sneak back down the corridor, into the darkness. Camera turns 180 degrees around to show the rest of the gang outside a room as the OWNER fumbles with the keys.

OWNER- "This is the honeymoon suite, reserved for Mr. and Mrs. Charlie Angel?"

ANGEL- "That's me, Charlie Angel"

Trying not to laugh, BUFFY takes the key

GILES- (whispering) "You're married?!"

BUFFY- (whispering) "No, but don't you find the honeymoon suite is always the best room?"

ANGEL- "I'll carry you across the thresh-hold"

They grin and exit into their room, saying goodbye to the others as the OWNER continues down another route. When the door closes, we see it is room thirteen. After a few seconds, dramatic music starts as we blood begins to seep from it.

Cut to- CORDELIA'S single room, unpacking.

SFX- Knock at door

CORDLEIA- "Come in"

Enter WESLEY

WESLEY- "My room is right across from yours, so thought I'd pop in and ask you a question"

CORDELIA- "Sure"

WESLEY- "I'm considering…going into the town this evening, and thought you'd join me?"

CORDELIA- "It's not like anything exciting is going to happen here, lets go"

They EXIT and walk down the corridor into the night.

In her bathroom, the room suddenly steams up like someone's left a hot tap on, and on the misty window, the following words appear:

'DAMN, SHE'S GONE'.

Cut to- WILLOW and TARA'S room

WILLOW- "Don't you find this place great? I mean, it was built exactly like a building from the nineteenth century or something."

TARA- "What was that noise?"

WILLOW- "What noise?"

TARA- "I don't like this place, it's hostile, do you feel it?"

WILLOW- "No, it feels comfy. A great place to try spells"

We see behind them that the bedpost pole has turned into a cobra. It backs up, as if to bite WILLOW

As it attacks, WILLOW turns to look at the bed, and it falls to the ground, a pole again.

WILLOW- "This got loose. Shoddy workmanship may explain the cheapness."

She puts it on the bed, and it turns back into the cobra then slinks away.

Cut to- SPIKE and GILES outside a room

OWNER- "This is the last room, it has two single beds"

GILES- "I thought we were going to have single rooms"

OWNER- "I'm afraid there aren't any more spare, you should have booked earlier"

SPIKE- "I'm not going in with him, he snores"

GILES- "And I have an aversion to having this idiot near my baths"

SPIKE- "And I'm on a woman hunt to get Drusilla out of my mind. I won't have much luck if I bring females back here to meet my good buddy Giles. I might as well take her back to a dog kennel, it'd be much less embarrassing"

GILES- "Hey!"

OWNER- "Look, I'm not your high school teacher. Put up and shut up, or find somewhere else"

OWNER leaves

GILES- "That was rude"

SPIKE- "Manners are free, you know"

GILES and SPIKE- "Git"

They enter room together

Cut to BUFFY and ANGEL'S room, they look around and turn to each other, gleaming.

BUFFY- "Welcoming mint on the pillow"

ANGEL- "Champagne"

BUFFY- "Flowers in a vase"

Big kissing session as they try to negotiate their way to the bed, bottle in hand. They make it to the wall, stay there with their smooching for a while, too caught up in each other to move to comfier surroundings. After a few minutes, they break their kissing for a mad dash to the bed, and jump on it, laughing.

BUFFY- "So, you wanna stay here for the night or go exploring around the country?"

ANGEL- "Can I be honest?"

BUFFY- "Yes"

ANGEL- "I only want to be with you. No other people, no distractions. Just you, me, and a kingsize honeymoon bed"

BUFFY- "You've got your wish"

More smoochies!

BlackOut

Fade in

Cut to- View of the night wearing on, full moon, crazy weather, spooky owl howl

Cut to- a few long dark corridors to empathise that it's in the middle of the night.

Cut to- Everyone sleeping (except our fave lovers, who we see in a tasteful shot are making love. This contrasts with everyone else who are sound asleep)

Cut to- SPIKE closeup. Move back to show a girl dressed in white sitting on his bed. She looks friendly enough, young, obviously a ghost. She is staring at him.

SPIKE wakes up

SPIKE- "Drusilla, you've come back to me? Back in your crazy white dresses again?"

GHOST- "Crazy, me? Heh-heh…I'm not crazy, no sir, not known as crazy at all, heh-heh… I'm done"

SPIKE- "You're not Drusilla, you're a ghost girl!"

GHOST- "A ghost girl with feelings, fang boy"

SPIKE- "Giles was right. Guess I should wake him up and tell him, so he can get all proud and smug"

GHOST- "And what, prove that you lot were wrong, again? After Dracula…oh boy, he'll be teasing you for years. Best you don't mention it, he'll never find out the truth if you just keep quiet"

SPIKE- "You have a point I suppose... Hey- how did you know about Dracula?"

GHOST- "You talk in your sleep, it's not like I used elf dust to throw in your face and make you answer all my questions or anything, heh-heh"

SPIKE- "O-kay, ducks. I'm going back to sleep. Do us a favour and haunt me tomorrow night, 'kay?"

GHOST- "Don't go, we'll talk! Uh, so what's your name?"

SPIKE- "Spike."

GHOST- "Aren't you going to ask for mine, Spike?"

SPIKE- Not really, I was having a pretty nifty dream about killing a whiny Slayer that I want to get back to"

GHOST- "It's Tess. My name is Tess."

SPIKE- "That's really nice, but-"

TESS- "-she's not worth it, you know."

SPIKE- "She isn't?"

TESS- "Drusilla. You need someone who'll stay with you for the long run, someone with substance, someone like me."

SPIKE looks at her ghostly physique

TESS- "Metaphorical substance!"

SPIKE- "Oh"

TESS- "How about it, you and me? We could rule the world, our combined ability to scare people, it'd be amazing"

SPIKE- "Giles was right about you wanting to make people crazy. You're going to make me mad through babbling, aren't you? Original idea, but I'm not sold, on both counts. goodnight"

TESS- "Actually, I was going to drive you crazy using my fairy dust"

Shot of her holding a bag of fairy dust

SPIKE- "That way would have been less boring, and more scary. G…Giles. Wake up!"

GILES continues mumbling in his sleep, but doesn't react to SPIKE'S pleas for help.

TESS- "He's asleep to the world. Now for ghost reasons, I need to become an evil beast creature before I can use my fairy dust, so will you wait here quietly until I change?"

SPIKE- "Only if you feel it's best."

TESS transmogrifies into a massive beasty scary thing which snarls at SPIKE

SPIKE- "GILES!"

GILES doesn't budge.

SPIKE- "Okay, so what would it cost if you just run along and find someone else to annoy? Or maybe I'll go instead"

He dashes to the door, exits and runs down the corridors.

BEASTY TESS- "Come back!"

TESS hovers over GILES sleeping for a moment.

BEASTY TESS- "I guess I'll have to find someone else to haunt"

Cut to- WILLOW and TARA'S room

WILLOW- "What's wrong?"

TARA- "You ever watch those ghost movies when you were a kid?"

WILLOW- "Sure"

TARA- "And you got that creepy feeling crawl up your back when you got scared?"

WILLOW- "Yes"

TARA- "That's how this house makes me feel"

WILLOW- "Tara, there's nothing to be scared about"

Suddenly, an arm appears through the ceiling and extends towards them

WILLOW- "Apart from the big scary hand that's trying to kill us"

They scream, run out their room and head into the corridors

Cut to- CORDELIA and WESLEY entering the foyer from their evening out to find various items flying around them

CORDELIA- "Giles was right!"

WESLEY- "A haunted house, my research should have indicated…"

CORDELIA- "Your research says nothing! Okay, Casper, I've exorcised quite a few of you in my time, I'll put up one hell of a fight against you."

BEASTY TESS appears and starts doing the ghost-groaning thing, eyes a little crazy, the bag of fairy dust in her hand

CORDY- "Woah, big scary Casper"

WESLEY- "Let's get out of here"

They turn to leave, when the front door bolts itself shut

They scream and…you guessed it- run up the stairs into the vast corridors

Cut to- BUFFY and ANGEL'S room, they are relaxing in each others arms in bed.

BUFFY- "Tonight has been amazing"

ANGEL- "Lucky we had that anonymous person post the leaflet to this hotel through your door"

BUFFY- "Uh-huh, otherwise we'd never have found it"

ANGEL- "And we'd still be looking"

They lean over to kiss again, when we hear SFX of someone knocking on the door

BUFFY- "Damn, this is supposed to be Buffy and Angel alone time"

ANGEL- "Go away!"

Knocking grows louder

ANGEL- "Whoever that is must have the wrong room, we left that 'Private' message on the door, didn't we?"

BUFFY- "Just ignore it, they'll go away"

ANGEL- "Done"

They disappear under the sheets and we hear them laughing happily

Cut to- WILLOW and TARA banging on the hard-wood door

WILLOW- "They're not answering"

TARA- "What do we do?"

WILLOW- "Get Giles, he was expecting this, he'd be prepared"

Cut to- SPIKE and GILES room, which is empty. WILLOW and TARA enter

TARA- "Oh no!"

WILLOW- "He's not here, the ghosts must have taken him"

Cut to- BUFFY and ANGELS bedroom

ANGEL- "They gone?"

BUFFY- "I think so, phew. Now where were we?"

ANGEL- "Enjoying our alone time even more"

SFX: Knocking

BUFFY and ANGEL- "What now!!"

OS VOICE- "Buffy! Bu-ffy!"

BUFFY- "Go away, we're busy!"

ANGEL- "We shouldn't have answered, we could have pretended to be asleep"

BUFFY- "Ooh, good idea. Clean up operation"

They crawl to the door and begin to fake snore

Cut to- The other side, where CORDY and WESLEY are banging

CORDY- "Stop, do you hear that noise from inside?"

WESLEY- "I do…it sounds like snoring!"

CORDY- Duh, no, it's choking, the ghosts are choking them, they must be fighting for their lives"

WESLEY- "Quick, we must get Giles, he'll save them!"

CORDY- "Or we could run"

Points to TESS' evil big monster form hovering nearby, they run, camera follows them to GILES door, which is open. WILLOW and TARA are still inside.

CORDY- "Where is he? We need Giles, there's a big monster ghost chasing us"

WILLOW- "He's not here"

WESLEY- "What do we do?"

TARA- "I know"

Cut to BUFFY and ANGEL'S room again

ANGEL- "It's all quiet, I think it worked"

BUFFY- "What does it take to get some peace on our first holiday away from Sunnydale together?"

ANGEL- (grinning) "Quite a lot"

He pulls her to him.

SFX Knocking

BUFFY- "Okay, that is it. Come on"

ANGEL- "Where are we going?"

BUFFY- "The one place we can ignore the interruptions"

She and ANGEL make their way to the bathroom extension, closing the door firmly behind them and locking the door.

Cut to outside their room door to show it was SPIKE knocking

SPIKE- "Angel! Buffy! Anyone? I'm, uh, scared beyond my vampire self here, seriously shaking, I don't want my impending doom to ruin your perfect evening, but I'm not too keen on being crazy, coping with Dru made me decide on that."

BEASTY TESS- "Spike"

SPIKE- (whimpering) "Guys?"

BEASTY TESS- "I was going to try the self obsessed couple, but seeing as you're outside their door, I think I'll turn you mad first. It won't hurt, when you've done with the screaming."

SPIKE- "It won't hurt, huh? Hmmm, you're right Tess. Screaming is like ice-cream to me, let's get this done, I haven't heard screaming for a while."

TESS- "We'll make each other so happy, we'll dominate the nation"

TESS turns back into her girl figure

SPIKE- "You do realise I won't give up my sanity without a fight, right?"

TESS- "That's part of the fun, we'll discuss it when we've turned the entire household"

Big fight scene between ghostly spectre monster and SPIKE. Not really in the vamps favour, seeing as he can't hit an intangible ghost. TESS keeps throwing fairy dust at him, but he manages to avoid, until he is backed into a corner. She lifts her bag high.

SPIKE- "Guess you've beaten me."

TESS- "Of course, I'm nooooooooo!"

She screams (that's the 'nooo' part) and turns around to see WILLOW, CORDELIA, WESLEY and TARA chanting some sort of exorcism spell in a protective circle.

TESS- "This is my job, people! I haunt, I live, I love! You can't take it from me, I have rights!"

SPIKE- "And you make people fruit-bats"

TESS- "Everyone needs a source of income somewhere!"

WILLOW- "Goodbye, Tess"

Suddenly, a war-cry is heard and they turn to see GILES racing towards them from down the corridor, knocking everyone in the circle over and stopping the spell immediately.

TESS- "Ooh, perfect, now I can destroy you all, bwaahahaha!"

She shows him her fairy dust and laughs maniacally some more.

GILES lifts up his hand to reveal a massive Ghost-buster gun thingy and points it at Tess

GILES- "You might want to record that laugh on tape, it'll be something to listen to while you spend your eternity in a container which holds ghosts in like shown the Ghostbuster movies."

CORDY- "That was the longest quip I've ever heard"

TESS- "Nooo- I'll get you. I'll get all of you, especially *you*"

She points at Giles as he loads it up, aims it at Tess and sucks her into it. She fights it for a second, but gets well and truly contained, including her fairy dust which follows her.

A moment of silence as the gang look at each other in shock..

Blackout

ACT THREE- Fade in

Next Day, bags are packed and most people are standing in the Lobby

SPIKE- "So I've decided, I don't need Dru back. She's crazy, and I don't think I can deal with crazy again. So I'm officially on the market. Check me out, I'm back in the sty with all the other pigs"

GILES- "Um, sure Spike. Buffy, Angel, am I glad to see you!"

BUFFY- "Hey, what's with the bags? We're leaving?"

WILLOW- "This place is haunted, we're not staying"

ANGEL- "What?"

GILES (smug)- "I caught one of the ghosts, but there are bound to be thousands of others. They'll be angry after last night, it's best we don't wait and see if they try a bit of vengeance on us"

ANYA- "I keep telling you, a bit of vengeance purifies the soul"

ANGEL- We never saw any ghosts, are you sure?"

GILES- "Yes, you both owe me that big apology"

BUFFY- "You're making it up"

GILES- "Am not!"

BUFFY and ANGEL- "Are too!"

GILES- "Am not!"

Bickering continues as we hear WILLOW VOICEOVER again. As she talks, the scene shows the gang leaving the hotel, ANGEL and SPIKE under big drapes to ensure they don't explode into dust.

WILLOW VO- "Yet again, we had to finish our vacation early because of a deep evil plaguing us. Will we ever find a scare-free place to lay our weary heads? Will Tess ever escape? Will the police ever solve the disappearance of Riley Finn? Only time will tell."

BlackOut

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