Tears sprang to her eyes, unwanted. She tried to hold them back. She was not going to cry again.

A knock came at her bedroom door and Buffy sat up. Quickly she brushed at her eyes, hoping that her distress wasn't too obvious. "Come in," she called. She wasn't at all surprised to see Willow skip into her room since the two of them had made a date to go to the mall. Willow wanted to get some thingy-thing for her computer and Buffy had agreed to go along with her.

Maybe buy a few pairs of shoes.

"Hi, Buffy!" Willow said in her most cheerful voice and plopped down next to Buffy.

"Hey!" Buffy said, forcing herself to sound more merry than she felt.

Of course, Willow knew her too well to be fooled by her act. Her smile fell as she took Buffy's hand into her own. "How are you doing today?" she asked, concern lacing her voice.

"As good as can be expected," Buffy told her friend, taking comfort from her best friend's touch. "Hey, damn good if consider the fact that less than twenty-four hours ago I killed a gargantuous demon bent on my destruction and watched the man I love walk out of my life."

"I know it must be hard, Buffy. Just remember that I'm here for you always," Willow said, wrapping a comforting arm around Buffy's shoulders and pulling her into a hug. For a moment, Buffy just allowed her friend to hold her. When she was on the brink of tears again, she decided to pull away and change the subject.

"All right, enough about me," she said, giving Willow a false smile. "Let's talk about what's causing that Willow-glimmer in those big eyes of yours."

The blush that rose in Willow's cheeks could have been seen from miles away. She was obviously trying to hold back her big grin, but her attempts were futile. "Okay, you've got the glow, girl. Spill," Buffy ordered, poking her friend in the ribs playfully. Willow shield away, giggling a bit.

"Oh, God, Buffy," she said with a sigh. "It....it happened finally."

"What?! I'm not a mind reader here, Wills."

"Oz and I....well, we finally....ya know," Willow said, the deep red color spreading further down her neck. "And, Buffy, it was perfect. Magical," Willow said, falling back on the bed and taking Mr. Gordo in her arms to hug him to her, much as Buffy had been doing earlier.

Buffy bit her bottom lip as she felt her stomach clench. She tried to keep the smile on her face, but it was an attempt at futility. Memories of her private conversation with Oz came rushing back to her. She had tried so many times to forget that day, but she couldn't. Even when she would be thinking about Angel and how much she loved him, her mind would wander back to that day in Oz's room. The things he had told her were not easily forgotten.

Willow noticed Buffy's silence and looked up at her. She immediately sat back up when she noticed the pained look on Buffy's face. "Oh, God, Buffy, what's wrong?" she asked, running her hand down Buffy's arm. "You're disappointed in me aren't you? You think I should have waited? I'm bad...a....you think I'm sleazy," Willow began running on.

Buffy took a second to catch her breath. "No, Willow," Buffy stopped her. "Of course, I don't. I'm....happy for you. Really. It just brought up some bad memories."

Willow automatically looked chagrined. "Oh, I didn't even think. Of course, it would," Willow said, getting a sick look on her face. "I...I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Willow. I really am happy for you," Buffy hurried to assure her even as the ache in her stomach grew and grasped at her heart. "I just....well, I'm suddenly not feeling very well. Sick to my stomach." She demonstrated by putting her hand to her abdomen and hunching over a bit. It wasn't a lie either. "Do you think you could go on to the mall without me. I'd like to just lay down and get a little rest before I have to patrol tonight."

Willow looked at the door and back at Buffy. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you?" she asked kindly.

Buffy nodded, not trusting the sob that was rising in her throat not to come out. "All right, if that's what you want," Willow said, waiting for Buffy to nod again, which she promptly did, before rising and going to the door. She turned and gave Buffy one more sorrow-filled look before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

Buffy waited a few more moments before she let her sobs overtake her. Falling against her mattress, Buffy burrowed her face into her pillow and let out a long stream of tears. She gripped the sheets beneath her so tightly that her knuckles turned white.

Buffy hated herself for begrudging Willow her happiness. She deserved a little peace. Still, Buffy couldn't help but wonder what might be between her and Oz if they were in different circumstances. Though she knew she could never have Oz, she still had that one hope to cling to. The hope that a semi-normal person could want her. Curling herself into a ball, Buffy cried a river of tears. Tears of self-pity, cursing fate for dealing her such a crappy hand. She assumed that the dealer must have stacked the deck.

Buffy cried herself to sleep, napping for two hours, before Xander came over to wake her. He offered to patrol with her, which she gladly accepted. She needed a little cheering up, Xander-style. However, Buffy was disappointed that there were no vamps out so soon after the mayor destruction. She didn't even get in one slay before they decided to call it quits after only an hour.

The night still being young, they had decided to head over to the Bronze. So, there she sat in the back at her favorite couch, sipping a double mocha. She was watching Xander and Cordelia dance with a small, bittersweet smile. Cordelia was going to be leaving for LA soon and the two had decided to put their differences behind them for her remaining days in Sunnydale. Though, Cordelia and he would never be able to get back together, Buffy knew that Xander was happy that Cordelia had found it in her heart to forgive him for his indiscretion with Willow.

Swirling the swizzle stick around in her iced coffee, Buffy stared at the melting ice cubes dancing at the surface of the pale brown liquid, willing all thoughts of Angel away. It had taken two straight hours of crying her eyes out, but Buffy had finally resolved to stop thinking of Willow and Oz's relationship. She swore to herself that she wasn't attracted to Oz and blamed her ragged emotional state for her reaction to the news Willow had given her. She chalked it up to the realization that Willow and Oz's relationship was a perfect example of the kind of relationship Buffy had always wanted and could never have. <That's all it was,> she reminded herself for the hundredth time since she'd woken up.

Buffy was startled out of her thoughts when she felt the sofa shift next to her under the weight of another person. Looking up, Buffy gasped slightly to see Oz seated next to her, a muted expression on his face as he looked out across the dance floor as Cordelia and Xander swaying in each others arms. Buffy's brow furrowed in confusion. Willow had told her that she and Oz had had a date that night. "So, looks like they've patched things up finally, huh?" Oz said, never moving his gaze away from the dancing couple.

Buffy looked back down into her drink and scooted further away from him until she was firmly pressed against the arm of the sofa. "Yeah," she said in quiet voice. "But she's leaving so they won't be getting back together. I'm not altogether sure that they would even if she wasn't."

"I must really repulse you if you can't even sit next to me." Oz's words made Buffy look up at him sharply, shock written across her face. Oz didn't notice since he was busy pulling at a loose thread on his jeans.

"You don't repulse me," Buffy denied, turning her gaze to the dance floor.

"Oh, yeah? I guess you have a really good relationship with the armrest then," he said dryly.

"Yeah, we go way back," Buffy joked halfheartedly. "I thought you had a date with Willow tonight," she told him in a slightly trembly voice.

"I had to cancel. Things are just moving too fast," Oz said, a hint of regret in his voice.

"Ya think?" Buffy asked sarcastically before she could stop herself. She silently cursed herself for the clipped tone she was using with him. She knew she really had no reason to be angry with him, but for some reason she was. Probably because she just wished he had never told her about his attraction to her. If he hadn't, the thought probably never would have crossed her mind and she wouldn't be caught in the middle of a double heartbreak.

"Do you think we could go somewhere to talk? Somewhere that's not here," Oz asked her.

Buffy quickly shook her head. "I don't really think that would be a good idea, do you?"

"Well, either way, I'm going to tell you what's on my mind. If you want it to be here, where any number of people could overhear us, that's just fine by me," he stated.

"Isn't that what put us in this position? You telling me what was on your mind?" Buffy pointed out briskly.

"Yeah, I guess. I suppose I could have just kept it to myself and allowed it to eat at me. That way you wouldn't have to worry about it and add it to the growing pile of problems you have, would you?"

"That's not fair, Oz!!" Buffy cried. When Oz nodded abruptly at something behind Buffy, she turned to see Harmony and a couple of her cronies staring at them with mild interest. Buffy winced and turned back to Oz. "That's not fair," she repeated, this time in a tone barely above a whisper. "What has telling me really accomplished anyway? All it's done is make us *both* sick with guilt."

"Buffy, I really think we should go somewhere else to discuss this," Oz said, noting that Harmony was still watching them intently. Taking a deep breath of frustration, Buffy steeled her spine and stood up. She waited for him to follow her lead before turning and heading out of the dim club into the warm summer night air.

Once they were out of the club, Buffy turned sharply on her heel and almost ran straight into Oz. She stumbled back, before regaining her footing. Putting her hands on her hips she asked, "Okay, where to then?" Oz moved to take her hand but she quickly snatched it away. Sighing, Oz gestured for her to follow him.

When Buffy saw Oz's van come into view and realized that they were headed in that direction, she cringed. Momentarily, she toyed with the idea of turning and bolting. She really didn't want to be in this situation. Still, she respected Oz too much to not hear him out. And unless she wanted to strain her friendship with Willow, she had to try and work through these confusing emotions.

Once they got to his van, Oz opened the passenger side door for Buffy. She looked at him for a moment before swallowing hard and hopping up into the passenger seat. Oz shut the door and rounded the van, before also entering the confined space of the front seat.

The two of them sat in an uncomfortable silence for a long while, Buffy wringing her hands and Oz drumming his fingertips on the steering wheel. Finally, the silence became too much for Buffy to bare and she turned to him, huffing out a long sigh. "Well?" she prompted him.

She noticed him squeezing his eyes shut tightly and opening them again. "Buffy, I'm not so good with words, so can you just bare with me here? I'm just trying to think of the best way to say what I have to say." Buffy lowered her head. She hated that she was being so harsh with him. He hadn't really done anything to deserve this attitude, but with everything that had been happening in the past few months, she couldn't help but get snippy occasionally. She nodded mutely and waited patiently as the van became deathly quiet again.

"You know," Oz started suddenly, startling Buffy a bit and causing her to look at him. "When I decided to tell you about the....feelings I was having about you, I didn't have any idea that things were going to get this complicated. I figured we do the uncomfortable silence thing and then laugh it off and it would be forgotten the next week." He shook his head as if he realized now how far-fetched his assumption had been. "When you started avoiding me, I....I knew I shouldn't have told. I wished that I could take it back, but I can't."

Buffy couldn't help but notice when his tongue flicked out to wet his dry lips. Lately she had been noticing a lot about Oz, physically. She came to the conclusion a while back that she was definitely attracted to him, but she tried to ignore that. It was getting harder and harder to do, especially when they were stuck in the confined area of this van.

"We were never close, Buffy, but now I feel like I've lost a really good friend. I wasn't prepared for how much this hurts."

"Oz, I..." Buffy paused, trying to come up with the correct words to say. "I--" This time she was cut off by Oz raising his hand.

"Wait, there's more," he told her. She nodded again. "I thought that if I told you about...my attraction to you, then...maybe...that would be enough to make it go away." He paused again for a few seconds, obviously trying to compose himself. "It didn't work."

Buffy's eyes closed briefly. "So, you're still attracted to me?" Oz nodded, holding his eye contact with her. "I don't know what to say. What do you propose we do about this?"

Oz took a moment to contemplate this, sitting back against the driver side door so that he was still facing her. The silence went on as they both weighed all of their options. Finally, Oz sat forward so that his elbows were rested on his knees. Buffy waited for him to respond, watching as he ran his fingers through his hair in obvious frustration.

His next movements surprised the hell out of her. Quickly, he fell to his knees before her, taking her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers. Buffy started at the contact and made a short move to pull away, but Oz's hand went around to the back of her head and held her. Now, Buffy easily could have pushed him away, but she wasn't prepared for the warm sensation his soft lips covering hers shot through her abdomen. Sighing in defeat, Buffy fell forward against him, lacing her fingers in his hair.

When she felt his tongue slide over her lower lip, Buffy quickly opened her mouth to except him. His tongue slid into her mouth and over hers, gently smoothing over the roof of her mouth. Wrapping his arms tightly behind her back, Oz pulled her snug against his chest, flattening her breasts against him. Buffy sucked Oz's lower lip into her mouth, savoring the taste of her best friend's boyfriend. <Aaahhh! BEST FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND!!!> the voice in the back of Buffy's head screamed at her.

Buffy jerked in Oz's arms as the realization of what she was doing hit her hard. Oz felt her movement and pulled back, a startled look on his face. Buffy flattened her hands against his chest and gently pushed him back, (of course, gently for Buffy was pretty damn hard for Oz) causing him to fall back against the driver's seat.

"Why did you do that?!" Buffy cried desperately. "Why...how...I..." Buffy sputtered and used the back of her hand to brush away his incredibly sweet taste, which seemed to be taunting her lips.

Oz scrambled back into the driver's seat and gripped the steering wheel tightly. His breathing was still labored from the kissing, his lips bruised a light pink. Buffy's stomach did flip-flops when she noticed him suck his bottom lip in and close his eyes, looking for all the world like he was savoring the remnants of their kiss.

"I thought that maybe if I kissed you, we would realize that there really wasn't any attraction between us, and it would be over. Well, that didn't work either," he told her lamely.

Holding her trembling hand up, her palm facing Oz, Buffy scrambled with the door handle. She mumbled, "I...I can't do this," before getting the door open and falling out on the pavement. She pushed herself up to her feet, brushing her scraped hands off on her pant legs and ran at full speed away from the van, leaving Oz behind to contemplate his actions.

The End

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