"Letters"
Author:
Christine
Email: cluland@hotmail.com
Dedication: To Erana for allowing me to play in her backyard. And as always
to Andrea for all the encouragement, nagging, and fun she's given me.
April 1999
Dear Angel,
You're not coming
back are you? It's been almost six months and no word. I look for you in the shadows
every night, hoping. But I'm starting to realize that you're not going to materialize
out of the shadows ever again.
You promised me you would come back.
That promise was all that kept me going when I wanted to die after you first left.
But looking back I realize that you never said the words. You never said I promise.
Does that make it easier for you to stay away? How can you leave me here alone?
Damn you!
It's so hard Angel. I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about
you, worrying about you. I want you here with me. I don't want to be alone. I
want to feel you arms around me and I can't. Oh God I wish you were here. But
I know that's not going to happen. You'll stay away out of some stupid belief
that I'm better off without you. You're so wrong. You're my life. I need
you so badly. I can't take this.
October 1999
Dear Angel,
I can't believe it's been a year since I last saw
you. I tell myself that it's easier now. That I don't hear you calling my name
as I hunt through the cemetery, that I don't see your shadow outside my window
in the darkest part of the night. But it's not easier. I think I hear your voice
call my name. I see a shadow move and for a second my heart leaps, only to face
a harsh and lonely reality once again. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will
be better. Then tomorrow comes and it's not. Do you hurt as badly? Tell me it'll
stop someday. Please?
I know I promised you I would try and find someone
to love. I haven't. Not yet, I'm not ready. I don't think I ever will be.
You have my heart. There's not enough left for anyone else. Nobody will ever compare
to you. I miss you so much.
We've started classes at Sunnydale University.
Surprise, Surprise, Xander and I were both admitted, poor grades and all. I think
it had less to do with us and more to do with the funding for a new library that
came from a rather mysterious source in England. Go figure. Classes are going
well, or as well as can be expected when you're out hunting demons at night.
This is so ridiculous. I'm writing to you like I'm actually going to be able
to send this letter. I wish I could. I wish I could talk to you. You were always
the person that I felt understood me best. I guess these letters are my way of
pretending you're still here. I like to think it helps a little. I feel a little
calmer now, a little closer to you.
November 2000
Dear Angel,
Time is passing. It's been over two years. Sometimes
I think it was all a dream. That you were some fantasy I created in my mind, but
I know it wasn't because at night, in my dreams, you're here with me. For a brief
moment you're real, everything is real again. I feel your hands as they touch
me, your lips on mine. I remember you so well I wake up expecting to find you
here. My dreams are the only thing that keeps me sane these days. They're a precious
memory to cling to while I smile and pretend everything is okay.
I've
started dating, mostly to please everyone else. They were so worried about me.
It got to the point that I was afraid to look in their eyes, to see the worry
and concern as they watched me. So every once in awhile I let Willow or Cordelia
talk me into a double date with some guy. We'll go out to dinner, or to a movie.
Sometimes we'll go dancing at the Bronze. But the night ends and I go home alone
and think of you. I don't get many second dates but I don't care.
I'm
majoring in Physical Education. Can you imagine? Me? A teacher? But it seemed
the best thing to do given my other calling. Maybe I'll go back and surprise Snyder.
He'd drop dead on the spot.
Mom's doing well. She's become the queen
of vampire dust removal. There isn't a stain on my clothes that she can't
get out. She still worries when I'm out at night. I've told her how we used to
hunt together. I think she wishes I had the same back-up now. Somehow Xander and
Cordelia just don't watch my back as well as you did.
I wish I knew
that you were okay. Are you as lonely as I am? I worry about you so much. At least
I have my friends. Who do you have? I wish... But there's no sense in wishing.
I guess this is how things are meant to be.
April 2003
My Dearest Angel,
I've met someone. It's hard
to admit that to you. Don't think that I've forgotten you or that I love you any
less. It's just that I've been so alone, and he makes me laugh.
I hadn't
been sleeping well. I'd been having these really strange dreams. I didn't know
what they were about, what they predicted, but they were waking me up every morning
before dawn.
For want of something better to do, I began running in
the mornings. I met Todd at the track one morning a few months ago. For days we
never spoke, just paced one another as we ran for miles. I guess I liked that;
the fact that he didn't pry into who I was or immediately hit on me. I think it
took us almost three months to do more than nod hello. At first he was only
a running partner, but then one day we ran into each other at the campus pub,
that was our first real conversation. After that he just seemed to be there, at
the track, in the pub, occasionally wandering through the library. We aren't dating,
but we aren't not dating. Does that make sense?
He reminds me a lot
of you. He just accepts me, doesn't push me to be more then who I am. If I hustle
him out of the library during a demon research night he goes without any questions.
If I have to break a get together because of slayage he understands. He's always
there when things calm down, waiting with a joke and a smile.
I don't
know what going to happen. I can't forget you, can't forget what we had. But he's
offering me a chance not to be alone. Suddenly no being alone any longer seems
like a good idea. But what do I do? Do I tell him who, what I am? Do I tell him
I'll never have a normal life, that I'm not supposed to be alive, that Slayers
aren't supposed to live past their twentieth birthday? Do I tell him that my heart
belongs to someone I can't have? That I don't think I'm capable of giving him
the love he wants?
Oh God, what do I do?
September
2003
Dear Angel,
Well he knows about me
being the Slayer. He found out a few days ago. We had been coming back from a
night at the movies with Xander and Cordelia, Willow and Oz. A group of vampires
attacked us. We fought them off pretty easily but the damage was done. How do
you explain a body exploding into dust? Explain being the Chosen one? We ditched
everyone and then I tried to explain. He understood it, but wasn't sure that he
could accept it. He left that night and I didn't see him for three days. I figured
it was over. He came back two days ago with the ugliest plant I've ever seen.
It turns out it was garlic. He thought I could use a renewable supply in my never-ending
battle with the undead.
So where do we go from here? He accepts me for
what I am, do I let myself love him? I don't know that I can. God help me, but
sometimes when he kisses me I see your face. I miss you so much.
June 2004
Dearest Angel,
I'm getting
married. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I'm tired of thinking,
tired of missing you, tired of being alone. Short of abandoning my duty and heading
out in search of you I don't know what else to do.
Everyone says we're
perfect together, that I'm so lucky to find someone that accepts me for who I
am. On the outside I play the part of the blushing bride and pretend to be excited
about what color the flowers are. But inside, inside my heart is yours. I've never
missed you more then I do right now.
Sometimes I think he knows about
you, even though no one has ever mentioned your name or what we shared. He'd have
to blind not to realize that there was someone else in my past, someone who I
truly belong to. But he seems happy to accept what I'm capable of giving him.
This is probably the biggest mistake of my life, but I don't know what
to do to stop it. I'm so sorry.
September 2004
Dear Angel,
I'm going to be a mother. I can't believe it. I'm
excited but at the same time I wonder if I'm wrong to bring a child into this
world knowing that I probably won't be there to see her grow up? I've been lucky
so far, the luckiest Slayer ever. But that luck can't hold out forever. But I
know her father and my friends will ensure that she's safe and loved no matter
what happens.
Todd and my mom are thrilled. All my Slayerettes are happy
for me. Giles, well Giles just wanders around with this befuddled look on his
face. Training is going to get very interesting I'm sure.
I said she
earlier, I know I'm having a daughter. I had a dream of a beautiful little, blonde
baby girl. I just hope the only thing she inherits from me is my blonde hair.
I don't want her to have my destiny. I want her to be safe, to have a happy life.
May 2005
My Love,
It's
a girl, but you know that, don't you? I found the cross in her crib. You were
here. You stood, not twenty feet from where I was sleeping, and you watched over
my little girl, my Elizabeth.
I felt you, did you know that? I woke
up and knew you were nearby. Did you see me run out the door searching for you?
Did you hide in the shadows and watch me cry? To know you were so near and that
I missed seeing you by seconds, it broke my heart. I'm Buffy Adams now. I have
a daughter. I have a husband. But I still love you with all my heart. I
wish I could have seen you, if only for a moment. I wish I could have felt your
arms around me one last time.
Today Willow finally admitted to me that
she's been in touch with you all these years. That's how you knew about Beth isn't
it? You've been watching over me all this time. Did it hurt you to find out about
Todd? I hope you understood. I couldn't be alone any longer. The nights
were so dark and empty without you. But I guess the joke is on me. Even with a
husband, my nights are still dark and lonely.
Promise me you'll watch
over my little girl if anything happens to me. Be her real life guardian Angel.
Please? I just have this horrible feeling that I won't be there to see her grow
up and I need to know that she'll be safe.
September 2005
Dear Angel,
I've given these letters to Willow.
She promised me she would get them to you. I think you deserve the chance to read
them.
There's no easy way to tell you this; Buffy died three weeks ago.
An incredibly ancient vampire came to town seeking to harness the power of the
Hellmouth. No one spoke it but I think we all knew that this was the end. She'd
been having horrible dreams once again, dreams of her own death. But what could
she do? She was the Chosen One. It didn't matter that she was my wife, the mother
of my child. Her destiny had to come first. I just hope that someday I can make
Beth understand that.
Buffy defeated this ancient but at tremendous
cost to herself. She died in my arms. But the last thing she spoke was your name.
I didn't understand at first, I thought she meant angels had come to meet her.
But after the funeral, when I was going through her things, I found these
letters. Suddenly I started to understand. Things I had quietly accepted as mysterious
slayer things began to make sense. I realized that you were the reason behind
the cut-off conversations. You were the one who had her heart. I hadn't understood
why finding that cross in Beth's crib upset her so much. But looking back I realized
it matched the cross she always wore. You gave that to her didn't you? And then
you came here and left one for our daughter.
I went to Willow and she
finally explained everything to me. Who you were, how much you loved each other,
the terrible things that tore you apart. I understand her so much better now.
I always knew that she had given her heart to someone else. Knew that she didn't
love me with the intensity and passion I knew she was capable of. Now I even know
why she never wanted to celebrate her birthday, why she became so upset if I even
mentioned it.
Part of me thinks I should hate you. You were always a
silent ghost haunting our relationship, a shadow that prevented her from being
truly happy. After all how could she be happy with a mere mortal when she once
had the love of an angel? But I can't hate you. Because I realize you truly loved
her. You gave up everything so she could get a chance at a normal life. I was
lucky enough to benefit from your sacrifice. I got to marry her, to live with
her, to have a child with her. I had more time with her then you ever did or ever
will.
I know she loved me as much as she was able. I was satisfied with
that because even that little bit was so special. But you know that, don't you?
I guess there's really nothing left to say now, except thank you.
Sincerely,
Todd Adams
The End