Who am I? Questions of Self and Selfless

by Ramses

Selfless opens with Dawn trying to tell Willow how to fit in at school.(She's giving the queen of hiding one's self pointers, got to love that) When Xander comes in, Dawn then tells him that he should tell Anya that she should try acting like everyone else.

(Funny, all the women on this show feel like they must hide who they are. And the only character who has accepted them as the real them is insane in the basement. Symbolically this is not good.)

Buffy and Anya are so unsure of themselves that they cling to what they 'are'. Demon and Slayer. Anya's fears about self are Buffy's fears.

Who are they? Sure they do their job, they both excel at it. Anya appears to be one of the best at vengeance. Just as Buffy is perhaps the greatest Slayer. But there doesn't appear to be any there there. Anya does nothing but vengeance and when that is stripped from her, she goes back to being a Missus.

In Xander she found another Olaf. Someone who's thinks she's the prettiest but agrees with the other women that Aud is well, odd. She speaks her mind.(OMWF, the cutest of the scoobies and well, see any episode where Xander points out to Anya how innapropriate her behavior is.)

And guess what? Anya behaves the way she does not because she was a demon for all those years, but because she's Anya. And the bunnies?

Do those furry creatures she fears represent Anya herself? An Anya she's been taught to loathe, first by Olaf and the village and then by Xander and the scoobies. It's interesting to note that Aud was a caring individual who thought about helping others(it appears she was a communist before Communism)but we only know her and her love of money.(Yet, think about it, Anya is always there to help. Aud is still there.)

Buffy tells Xander he doesn't know Anya, that she's a demon. She's right but only in the not knowing aspect. None of them knew her, none of them cared to know her. Anya didn't even fit in with the odd crowd. (Pausing to wipe tear off keyboard)

Anya tells Xander that 'there's no me to help' and she believes this. She actually probably wants this. But she's wrong. Somewhere inside lies a hurt and broken Aud. Unloved by all, but still there, nonetheless.

People are speculating that perhaps Buffy is becoming the pure Slayer. They're wrong in a way, and Spike is right. She is Montresor, and she is walling up her emotions. She's being particularly harsh with Spike but I think only because he makes her question who and what she is. Something that Buffy doesn't want to do.

Instead she clings to what she used to be, back when things seemed right and clear. She had a watcher. Good friends who helped her, a man (vampire) who loved her dearly and would do anything for her.

(Somewhere in Buffy's mind she's gotta be comparing her reality with the fantasy. She's slept with a unsouled enemy, her best friend killed people, she's looking at Xander like he's a fool and not the heart of the group, her watcher has left her and her enemy has gone off and done something for her that her soulmate didn't do.)

So Buffy finds herself back from the dead with a lot of questions about herself. Who is she? The New Kids on the Block poster symbolized her stunted emotional growth. She's always been an outsider, always been odd. But she had some semblance of self with that little myth. Angel became her talisman.

Then she died. And her whole world view got shaken. The first slayer told her she was full of love. To love, give, forgive. But Buffy angrily doesn't want that. She doesn't want the messy reality of life. She wants to stay where she is. In the cozy adolescent world where everything made sense. So she's digging in, but in doing so she's losing even that Buffy.

She's become Lady Hacks a Way. A Law unto herself. Interestingly I think that if Xander's lie had come out she would have seen that she is wrong. Every decision Buffy makes is colored by those around her. That's just life. And that's a lesson Buffy has coming.

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Ramses