Klytaimnestra's Review - As You Were

by Klytaimnestra

Overall this is not so bad, and it's the first time in - gosh, when? in a long time - that I've had any respect for Buffy.

Not so worried about the demon eggs in the basement. Spike looking pathetic and incompetent did bother me. "You knew what I was and you still came" is a good line, but delivered as it was, he just seemed whipped. "Spike screwed up - he was supposed to keep them frozen" - Spike is a smart guy; what's going on here?

One scene that really bothered me - when Riley burst into the crypt, Spike's first reaction was NOT to protect Buffy, and it should have been. You know, the gentlemanly getting-between-her-and-the-intruder-so-she-can-dress sort of reaction. But instead Spike preened and jeered at Riley, as if the most important relationship in the room was his relationship with his former rival. A single muttered "get your clothes, Buff, I'll deal with soldier-boy" would have satisfied that requirement, but it didn't happen.

Loved the look Riley gave the naked Spike - did anyone else catch the downward flick of the eyes? I got the distinct impression he was thinking "holy big field cucumbers, Batman! So that's what she sees in him ..."

The Buffy-blowing-up-the-bed scene was acceptable after all; it wasn't personal, she was necessarily taking out a whole bunch of evil killer demon thingies. Which happened to be infesting her lover's bed, as she'd always (I think) suspected, of course, but it was okay.

The lines between Riley and Buffy, "can you shut him up?" "Not so far" weren't so bad either because - and this was the important point for me - they showed Riley accepting the relationship between Buffy and Spike. Didn't try to shut Spike up himself; thought Buffy might have some influence over him. And Buffy's "not so far" also indicated an ongoing relationship which she was implicitly admitting to. More important, she was also admitting that she did NOT have control over the relationship; which is something that's always bothered her, of course!

Now on to the really hopeful stuff.

a) of course Spike isn't the Doctor, but Riley and Buffy think he is. So Buffy refusing to let Riley kill him was a good thing. Her shock at the question ("How can you ask me to - !") was a better thing.

b) Her use of the present tense to describe her relationship was extremely hopeful. Not "I slept with him." Not "I was sleeping with him." But "I am sleeping with him. I am sleeping with - Spike." Ongoing relationship. Did anyone else get the impression that that's the first time she has ever formulated that sentence consciously in her own mind, or ever spoken it, even to her mirror or her diary? Finally, out of denial! And not putting it in the past tense, either.

c) The breakup. First time I've admired her all year. I didn't see an addiction metaphor going on there at all. What she said was,

"I'm not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme. That's just you. I should have remembered." (Acceptance of the person she's actually sleeping with - at last!) ...

"It's over."

(Spike: "...It doesn't change what you want.")

Buffy: "No, it doesn't. I do want you." (At long last!) "But I can't love you. I'm using you. Being with you makes things - simpler. For a little while."

(Spike: "I wouldn't call five hours straight a little while." It went to my heart that his eyes were wet. But he's playing the only trump card he thinks he has; he's by far the best she's ever had and he hopes it will work again.)

Buffy: "I'm being weak and selfish..."

(Spike: "Not really complaining." Of course he should have been complaining, but he'll take whatever he can get of her. This has been the problem all along, on his side.)

Buffy: "And it's killing me."

Spike: this stops him. Finally grasps that it isn't good for HER.

Buffy: "I have to stop. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry - William." (First time she's acknowledged that he's a person. First time in a long time that she's acknowledged his feelings for her, either.)

This isn't addiction-metaphor. What's "killing" Buffy is that she knows she's using him, and as long as she doesn't love him, she shouldn't be doing this. What she has to be strong about is not USING him. And she's right about that.

d) one more possibly hopeful thing: she says "I can't love you". Not "I don't love you." Doesn't mean that she does love him. Maybe she's right, and it isn't in her to love him. But maybe she does love him and she's fighting it, too.

e) And the last hopeful thing - she dressed up for him. that frilly little thing and the necklace and the obviously freshly washed hair (possibly many times) ... she wanted to look nice for him when she dumped him. Um, why would that be? Even if it was only to show him a little respect, it's more than she's done for him before.

f) and the lastest hopeful thing - she sure didn't look happy about that decision.

I don't expect they'll get together again anytime soon, but hey - she acknowledges their relationship; she recognizes who he is; that he's a person; that she wants him; that she has no right to use him; and that he has feelings for her - the door has certainly not only been left ajar, but wedged open with an anvil or two.

They are, in fact, in a much better place than they were even last week.

And I've just realised that I believe for the first time that she probably does love him.

It went to my heart, though, that Spike was obviously holding back tears. The poor sweetheart. In the ruins of the crypt he decorated and tried to make home. But, you know, for them to get together he can't be hatching demon eggs in the basement. He isn't reformed yet, and she won't settle for less.

I think the next part of his journey he has to make on his own.

---

Klytaimnestra